It was one of the few times of year Mark hated with an absolute passion. He wished that it would just go away. Celebrating it was a real bitch. It never led to anything but pure and total chaos and he got enough of that in his every day life. "I don't want to do this," he said with a sigh.
"I don't either," Glenn agreed. "I think we should run away."
"Do you think we'll get far?"
"Well seeing as how my knees and hips are better than yours, I know I will. You just might be fucked though."
"Thanks Glenn. That's really fucking helpful."
James turned around to glare at both of them. "Would you guys shut up and help me grab stuff? I'm shopping for a shit load of people here and I could really use some fucking help."
Mark sighed. James was hosting his own very special Thanksgiving dinner, which promised to not end well for anyone involved. He had tried to warn people not to come to it, but nobody was really listening to him (like usual). "Who all is going to be at this thing?" he asked, just so he could get a count on how many people's sanity would be lost on the fateful holiday.
James stopped and started counting on his fingers. "Well there's me, you, Crispy, Connor, Cooper, Princess Straightedge, Jeff, Matt, Chris, Randy, Cody, Ted, Evan, Jay, Adam, Hunter, Shawn Cena, Mor, Mizzie and Kofi. Oh, and Snoopy and Spike."
"Spike?" Glenn repeated.
"The goat," James clarified. "Connor's stupid ass goat who runs into the wall because it's retarded."
Glenn decided it was best just to drop that subject and he looked at Mark. "That's nearly two dozen mouths to feed."
Mark shook his head. "Given the way James and the boys eat, it's more like four dozen mouths."
James shot Mark an annoyed look. "You just keep your smartass comments to yourself. I'm throwing everyone a good fucking dinner and--"
"You can't even cook that well," Mark interrupted.
James waved his hands dismissively. "That is not the point and you know it."
Mark wanted to ask what the point was then, but he didn't. It just wasn't worth the effort. So, sighing in defeat, he took a look at the list James had made out. "Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, biscuits and pie," he read out loud. "For this many people, we're going to wipe this store out."
James nodded. "I figured that too. We might have to make trips to several stores to get enough for everyone."
Mark groaned. That was the last thing he had wanted to hear. Going to one grocery store with James and the boys was bad enough. Going to several made him want to kill himself. "Let's just get this over with," he said under his breath. He grabbed the cart and began walking away, doing his best to ignore the vein that was twitching right behind his eye.
"Oh come on Marky, don't be like that!" James whined. He quickly went after his pissed off boyfriend. "This is a holiday! You're supposed to be filled with cheer and shit like that!"
"First of all, it's Christmas I'm supposed to be filled with cheer," Mark snapped. "Second of all, this has got to be one of the stupidest ideas you have ever come up with. Cooking for us and the boys is hard enough, but now you want to add over a dozen people on top of that? Damn it Lawson, sometimes I wonder what the hell is going on in that brain of yours."
James scowled. "And sometimes I wonder why I even like you!" He grabbed a box of mashed potatoes and smacked Mark on the head with it before putting it into the cart.
Mark sighed. "Are you going to pout for the rest of the day now?"
The only response he got was another smack on the head from a different box of mashed potatoes.
"That's getting old already Lawson. I'm going to tell you that right now."
Six more boxes of potatoes went into the cart and each one was used to hit Mark with before they got in there.
"Fine!" Mark growled. "If that's the way you're going to be, then fine." He grabbed a whole bunch of boxes of stuffing and began smacking James with those. "How do you like that?" he growled. "Huh? You're not the only fucking one that can hit!"
"Fuck you Mark!" James replied. He grabbed two more boxes of potatoes and began beating Mark with those.
"You know, I'm going to go over to the bakery and get the dinner rolls," Glenn said quickly, obviously embarrassed by Mark and James's childish antics. "Those are always better than the frozen ones or the ones that come from the bread aisle."
Mark really didn't give a shit about the rolls right at that moment. What he did give a shit was that his boxes of stuffing were not causing James a sufficient amount of pain. Abandoning those, he picked up a can of peaches and chucked them as hard as he could.
"OW!" James yelled as it bounced off his thick skull. He quickly dropped his potatoes and picked up a can of fruit cocktail. One throw later and it hit Mark's collarbone.
"Son of a bitch!" Mark hollered. That fucking shit did hurt. Very unhappy now, he started grabbing more cans to throw. Unfortunately, James had the same idea, so they were soon having a full fledged can fight right in the middle of the aisle. The other poor customers had to run and duck for cover because they started getting hit with the cans that missed them. "Damn it Lawson!" Mark shouted at the top of his lungs. "Can't you knock it off?"
"Why don't you knock it off Marky?" James replied. "You started it!"
"Dad! Mark! We have a problem!"
James and Mark stopped throwing the cans and turned around to see that Cooper was coming towards them. "Connor ran off," he informed them. "I turned around for one second to grab some of the pies we needed and when I turned back around, he was gone.
Mark groaned. Oh great. That was the last thing they needed. "Shit, we got to find him."
"I don't think we'll find him here," James said with a sigh. "He's probably already left the store."
"Yeah, that's what I think too," Cooper agreed. "He's got one thing on his mind at this point."
Mark rubbed his eyes. He already knew what that was. It was the same thing Connor did every year, no matter how hard they tried to get him to stop. "Turkey hunting?" he guessed.
"Turkey hunting," the two Lawsons said with a nod.
Connor was on the run. He wasn't sure how much time he had before the others came chasing after him so he had to move fast. He had left the store so he could accomplish one thing and one thing only: he wanted to find and kill a turkey. Getting a turkey at the store was no fun because not only did they already have the turkeys dead, but they had also skinned and froze the bodies all up. Now some people liked that, but he was not one of them. Thanksgiving was not Thanksgiving unless he killed a turkey or two.
"Gobble gobble gobble," he sang under his breath. "Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble--"
His cell phone ran, interrupting his turkey song. He took it out of his pocket and pressed the button to answer it, but he didn't say anything. He just put it up to his ear and listened.
"Connor?" It was Cooper calling. "Connor damn it, where are you? You know you can't do this bullshit. Come back to the store right now so we can go home."
Connor kept running away from the store, amused by the fact Cooper thought he would listen.
"Damn it Connor, don't do this!" Cooper yelled. "Don't answer the phone and then not say anything! That's not even funny."
"Gobble?" Connor said, giggling because he knew that he was just going to piss Cooper off more. "Gobble gobble?"
"No gobble gobble!" Cooper snapped. "Now get your gobble ass back here before I gobble kick it so hard you'll be seeing gobbles!"
"Boy what the fuck are you saying?" Mark could be heard asking.
"Oh shut up!" Cooper told him. "Connor gets it."
Connor did get it and he was not a happy camper about it. "Gobble gobble gobble!" he said angrily. "GOBBLE GOBBLE!" He hung up the phone and put it away. Stupid Cooper. He was an asshole. Oh well, he could be dealt with later. Right now, there were turkeys that needed to be killed and there was precious little time to do it.