Title: Can't Stand the Heat
Author: Trilies
Genre: Humor, romance
Word length: 1904
Sypnosis: Then you might want to stay out of the kitchen.
Rating: PG-13 for mentions of would-be sexual activity and Axel getting abused. Poor dear.
Yaoi/Yuri/Pairings: Zexion/Lexaeus

Author's Notes: I don't hate Axel, I really don't. XD But sometimes it's just too fun to mess with him. Also, this was written months ago for May, which is Lexaeus' month.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything KH-related, save this plot. This is purely for fun, not profit. I also don't own Amestris from the world of Fullmetal Alchemist.


"Aw man, he's making more pie."
"Dammit, that means he's not getting out of there any time soon."

The conversation leaks its way to Lexaeus as he walks through the hallways, a puzzle in his hands. Raising an eyebrow, he peers around the next corner. Xigbar, Xaldin, and Saix are all standing outside the doors to the kitchen of Nonexistent Heartburn. Wiggling upside down on the ceiling and peering through the crack of the doorway is Xigbar, while Xaldin just leans against the wall, glaring. (Some, particularly a certain one-eyed gunslinger, would call it 'pouting'. They were also the ones seemingly incapable of being caught so their head could be stuck on a pike. ) Saix, on the other hands, just looks confused, and perhaps a bit hungry.

For a moment, Lexaeus debates turning back, or just vanishing to another world altogether, despite the fact that he's just returned form a mission. After all, he's not quite sure he wants to know.

He takes a few seconds too long trying to decides, because that's right when the trio suddenly pot him. Xigbar instantly appears by his sides, not even bothering to say hello as he says, "Lexaeus, you have to stop him!"

"Stop who?" Lexaeus asks, even as Xigbar is nudging and elbowing him towards the kitchen. Saix is the one who answers.

"VI." Crossing his arms, Saix glances back to the cracked open door. "He's been in there for perhaps a full week. Cooking."

"Killing innocents and putting them into pies!" Xigbar exclaims with a grand, dramatic gesture.

"Has he been to Fleet Street again?" Lexaeus asks Xaldin, who only rolls his eyes up to the ceiling. It's clearly a 'yes'.

Taking a moment to glare in mock hurt at his two friends, Xigbar continues. "Seriously, he's been in there forever! We've had to eat out, because the last time we tried to stop him or eat something, he almost impaled us with a freakin' butter knife! Can you believe that?" Something suddenly gurgles, and Xigbar winces before placing a hand over his stomach. "You have to calm Zexion down, Lex. I don't think I can handle any more of those Lovette meat pies."

"Than eat somewhere else," Lexaeus states simply, even as he peers through the door crack. It's just as Xigbar and Saix said; the kitchen is filled with dozens and dozens of plates, all filled with food. A plate of pancakes lies discarded on top of the microwave while a nearby table seems almost dedicated to the delicacies seemingly from the Land of Dragons. No surface is left bare of some culinary creation, save for the work area. That's where Zexion stands, clad not in the typical Organization jacket but a rather pink apron over his preferred clothes of soft green and brown. His head is turned just enough so that Lexaeus can see the calm, almost relaxed expression on his face. It doesn't match the almost excessively violent way with which he handles the dough using the rolling pin.

It's a rather disconcerting sight. No wonder Xigbar, Xaldin, and Saix didn't want to enter, although the disturbing illusions Zexion is capable of are detergent enough.

"Do you know what upset him?" Lexaeus asks as he steps away from the door. He knows his young friend well enough to know his habits and this one in particular can only mean some one has gotten on Zexion's nerves.

"Not a single idea," Xigbar admits, even as Xaldin gives a sudden, unpleasant grin.

"But I bet we're about to find out," he drawls, right as their newest member, Axel, stumbles towards them.

"Tell me the kitchen's open," the redhead grumbles, one hand pressed against an eye as he squints at them. "My head is freakin' killing me and I keep-" Out of nowhere, Axel jerks backwards, almost tripping over himself in the process. He stares at the air in front of him, eyes comically wide, before he quickly squeezes them shut again. "There's not really an octopus trying to eat my eyeballs, right?"

"Not that I can see," Xigbar says lazily, trading smirks with Xaldin. "Don't suppose you ate some mushrooms, eh, Axel?"

Slowly, Axel creaks open an eye, and proceeds to stare at them warily. "Am I being accused of something?" he asks cautiously. "Because that feels like an interrogation question."

Drawing himself up to his full height, Xaldin places his hands on his hips. "Something seems to have aggravated our Zexion," he rumbles, blatantly ignoring the facepalm Lexaeus gives at the display.

In the meantime, Xigbar rocks back and forth on his heels with his hands tucked into his pockets. "And here you are," Xigbar drawls, one eye narrowed in delight, "with a headache and some weird hallucinations."

"Don't suppose the two events are related, hm, Xigbar?" The two friends share a glance while Saix watches in boredom and Lexaeus sighs.

"I'm going to talk to Zexion," Lexaeus states before he vanishes into the kitchen.

Once the door clicks shut behind him, he realizes that Zexion is not alone in relieving his frustration. His Fallen Nobodies, ghostly things with exaggeratedly large hands and bone-thin fingers, scurry about the kitchen as well. Occasionally, they assist Zexion in cooking, but they mostly go about the kitchen cleaning. Still warm dishes are constantly moved and readjusted to include another plate or bowl. Those which have gone cold are whisked away to some other place, with portals constantly opening and closing. It all seems like some unusual parody of a restaurant.

Upon sensing Lexaeus' presence among them, the Fallen whisper amongst each other excitedly, echoes of their voices slithering through his mind. One of them scuttles over to him and swings up to his shoulders, skeleton fingers digging into his coat while its odd stitched up gaze latches onto him. Lo! it sings softly with its serpentine tail twining around one of his arms. Merry are the stars, for our brave knight Elaeus returns! Tell us, oh traveler, if you know that which burns?

Riddles and poems are favored by the Fallen, and all too often do they make the mistake of using a 'true' name or reference the past. Lexaeus, however, has learned to brush aside their cryptic voices away easily, and he shrugs the bold Fallen off of his shoulders. As it and the rest of its kin hurry back to their tasks, Lexaeus turns his attention back to Zexion.

Even though it's hard to miss Lexaeus' presence, especially with an announcement of the Fallen, Zexion ignores him. He only focuses on making his pie, the rolling pin set aside for now. Avoiding the Fallen which rush across the floor Lexaeus walks over to Zexion and gently wraps his arms around his waist, hands clasping together. He doesn't push past this. After all, Axel is a prime example of how unwise it is to get the Organization's Cloaked Schemer annoyed.

Finally, after another minute or so of stubbornly ignoring Lexaeus, Zexion pushes the pie pan away from him and leans back against Lexaeus' chest with a small appreciative noise coming from deep in his throat. "It's good to see you back from your mission," he murmurs. Lazily, he rolls his head to the side, exposing a soft expanse of neck. It's a clear signal for Lexaeus to begin kissing him there, which he does obediently. "How was Amestris?"

Lexaeus doesn't answer until Zexion gives a soft moan from his ministrations and presses against him further. "It is a fascinating world. They have an oddly sophisticated technology called 'automail'. It's more advanced than the rest of their technology, which is interesting."

"Vexen will be interested in that." Zexion smiles slightly, almost playful as he places his hands over Lexaeus'. Slowly, he begins to guide one hand down past his hip and to his leg. Large callused fingers are lead to the inside of his thigh...

"What did Axel do?"

Zexion groans at the question and smacks the back of his head against Lexaeus' chest. Opening his eyes, he glares back up at his lover. "I was quite aroused, I hope you realize," he states in a scolding tone. "It is quite deplorable of you to ruin the mood."

"My apologies. Nonetheless, I don't believe Xaldin would take kindly to the idea of us doing something remotely connected to that in here."

"Tch. Point."

Silence falls over them again, disturbed only by the Fallen's continued cleaning. During the lapse in conversation, Lexaeus returns his hands to their original place, and knows that Zexion isn't too annoyed with him when he places his own hands over his. They remain like that for a while, perfectly comfortable as they listen to the serene sound of Axel screaming curses outside the kitchen and demanding Xigbar to stop 'reversing the motherfucking gravity!'

At last, Zexion sourly admits, "He made one of my Fallen spontaneously combust." Renewed with energy, he wildly gestures. "It wasn't even doing anything to him! Mere curiosity and nothing more!"

"...It stalked him until the end result was that it was two inches away from his face when he eventually turned around. That's what happened, isn't it?"

"...Yes." Zexion glowers at him. "Yet they've done that to almost every single member of the Organization that they don't recognize! I have not a single doubt in my mind that they'll always do that to new members. Only Axel has ever destroyed one."

"Perhaps you're taking this too far?" Lexaeus offers. When Zexion narrows his eyes at him, Lexaeus answers himself with a sigh. "Of course not. However, Xaldin will want the kitchen back, and you must release Axel from the headaches and illusions eventually. I believe a compromise is in order."

Idly, Zexion rubs his fingers over Lexaeus' knuckles as he thinks. "Well, there is one thing..."

"Oh, you guys are such douchebags!"

"Sorry, what was that?" Xigbar asks cheekily, enjoying the sight of Axel helplessly suspended upside down in midair. "It sure didn't sound like a beg for forgiveness, but maybe I just heard wrong." He gives a sharp laugh. "Old age, you know."

Leaning against the wall, Saix shakes his head in disgust. "This is ridiculously childish."

Xaldin only chuckles in response. "Let him have his fun."

Suddenly, Axel cuts off his own swearing and brightens up. "Hey!" he exclaims. "The tentacles disappeared, and my head feels better again!" As if on cue, the kitchen door opens, and Xigbar returns the gravity to normal, "accidentally" forgetting to let Axel down gently in favor of grinning at Lexaeus and Zexion.

The gigantic crash and following string of curses are ignored as Xigbar cheerfully smacks Lexaeus on the shoulder. "Good goin', Lex! I knew you could do it."

Xaldin offers nothing but a small grunt of thanks as he steps over Axel and squeezes past Lexaeus and Zexion into the kitchen. Saix, likewise, disappears from the scene, seemingly content that the 'crisis' has been solved.

And Axel? With a fat big bruise undoubtedly forming, he pushes himself up onto his feet. Coughing into his fist, he eyes Zexion warily before he smirks cautiously and offers him a hand. "So, now that that's over, how about we let bygones be bygones, alright?"

Zexion glances over Axel's hand before he smiles and takes it in his grasp. "An excellent idea, VIII," he agrees. "We'll let the past lie... In approximately five seconds."

Axel takes about one second to look confused-


It's the second time in five minutes that Axel goes slamming into the floor, and the second time that the air fills with curses. Frowning slightly, Lexaeus rubs the knuckles of one hand while Zexion smirks and loops their arms together.

"Let bygones be bygones, right, Axel?"

Author's Note: Don't take this seriously, I doubt that Zex is so petty and that Lexaeus would punch Axel in the face, but think of it like the manga. XD It's just for the lulz, guys.