Title - Betty Soddin' Crocker

Author - Angel x Buffy@aol.com

Distribution - Doubt anyone wants it but in the extremely small case that you do, just let me know where it's going ^_^

Disclaimer - Joss, Mutant Enemy.... owns everything, all the way down to Spike who's currently chained to my bed(whoops--just pretend you didn't read that!) The only thing a poor broke little fan like me owns is the story.

Feedback - Yes .. I promise to let you have your fun with Spike while I have him *smirks* Also I have VERY sharp teeth ;F so that means I will bitevery hard if you decide not to leave any! *mUAHAHA*

Authors Note - First off, no real spoilers but this is after Buffy comes back from the dead so season 6 Also, this is taken mostly from what happened when I tried to bake a cake about a week or two ago. Needless to say it wasn't funny at the time but kind of is now hehe !

"Bloody hell," Spike looked down at the cake box. He couldn't believe he had promised the Nibblet that he'd bake her a cake for her Christmas part at school.

"No, I didn't agree to it, she gave me that look. The one that makes me do anything they want" he shook his head. He turned the oven to 350º and turned back to the box.

"Grease pan with shortening? What in bleeding hell is shortening? Oh wait! Maybe they have that Pam chit somewhere, I've seen it in the commercials." Spike opens up one of the cabinets and sees a spray can that reads 'Pam'.

"Guess this will do." Spikes says and shrugs. He takes the lid off and attempts to spray it into the pan, he didn't notice he had it backwards.

"Bloody hell!" Spike screamed and rubbed at his eye.

"I'm the BIG BAD, I should be able to make a simple cake!" he looks from the pan to the spray and then sprays it into the pan.

"There, much better. What's next? Hmm..flour lightly. I think I can handle that." He looks around the kitchen for a moment and then grabs a canister of what appears to be flour. He sticks his hand in and then puts a little big of flour on the bottom and edges of the pan.

"1 1/3 cups of water, 1/3 cup of vegetable oil, and three large eggs. Large eggs? How many bleeding sizes do they come in?!" he sighs and gathers the ingrediants, puring them into a bowl. Cracking the eggs he pours the insides into a bowl, hoping that he didn't get any shell in it. "All I need is someone choking on my sodding cake 'cause of an egg shell."

Grabbing a spoon he starts to stir it, trying to get rid of all of the lumps. To his dismay it wasn't working. "Bugger," he said while squishing all of the little lumps with his spoon. When he got rid of what he thought was a decent amount of lumps he poured it into the pan. He put the pan into the stove and checked the time.

"I've got about 35 minutes to spare," so he went off to the living room for some tele, taking the bowl with him.

"M-mm, cake batter," he said taking the now empty bowl back to the sick and rinsing it out. He looked at the clock and saw that 30 minutes had gone by. Flicking the stove light on he peered in and looked at the cake that was a very nice golden brown.

"Well, suppose I could go ahead and check the cake," he looked around for a toothpick but couldn't find one so he settled on chopsticks. "What does the Slayer have these for?" he wondered aloud. Sticking the chopstick into the middle of the cake he pulled it back out to see a very doughy stick.

"BUGGER!" he yelled, "It's not even NEAR done and the 35 minutes are almost up! Sodding hell, how am I suppose to fix that Ms. Bloody Crocker?!" Spike slammed the stove door shut and walked back into the livingroom, hoping to calm down and give the cake some time to finish cook. Ten minutes passed and he stood up, very calmly and walked back into the kitchen. Looking at the stove he picked up two oven mitts and opened the stove-door. "Its just you an' me" he said, eyeing the cake suspiciously.

Putting one mitt on his hand and holding another one that had been crocheted by Buffy's neighbor he pulled the cake out, but not before slipping his finger through one of the holes of the mitt he was holding. "BLOODY FUCKING HELL" he screamed throwing the cake onto the top of the stove storming off.

"THAT'S IT, a bloke can only take so much damage! Stupid sodding cake." He mumbled sticking his burned index finger into his mouth and sucking on it, trying to make the pain go away. Walking back to the living room he sat on the couch, staring blankly at the T.V.

Jerry Springer, now that's a funny show," he said watching as the relatives threw food at eachother and admitted to loving their step-son, etceteras. Chuckling to himself he decided that 10 minutes of that was enough.

He slowly got his bearings and walked back into the kitchen. "Poor bloody women, no wonder they bitch about cooking." Looking at the cake he decided he should ice it, hopefully that would prove uneventful.

Picking up the icing he took it back to the cake and began to spread it across the top with a knife. "Atleast the bleeding thing didn't fall," he said thoughtfully. After putting the finished cake into the microwave he walked back to the livingroom and took one look at the couch before collapsing onto it and falling into a deep slumber.

"Never again," he murmered in his sleep. Buffy looked at him and smiled. *How sweet* she thought *very funny too.* She walked off to her room shut the door slightly, so not to wake the poor vampire that had been whipped by a simple cake.