I do not own the Ninja Turtles and have no intention of owning them. After all, I don't want a mob coming after me when Nickelodeon completely ruins them.
Beware! This story deals in the unwanted/accidental use of drugs of the grass-like variety, AKA weed. It also mentions crack, but there is no actual usage of crack. Nothing explicit folks, just some wacked out conversations. And a few curse words, just for giggles. You have been warned.
The past two days had been unbearably long. Mike and Don had gone missing on their way home from April's, overwhelmed and taken by Purple Dragons only a few miles from the lair. Needless to say, Raph and Leo weren't pleased to see that, two hours after the youngest turtles had said they'd be home, Mike and Don had yet to walk through the door. They had searched the path from their home to April's thoroughly, and had found only spatters of blood, fragments of their little brothers' weapons, and a large spray-painted dragon swallowing two turtles.
Leo and Raph hadn't stopped looking since that night. It hurt them to be without two of their own, and they were sure to pass this pain unto any Dragon unfortunate enough to come across them in their search.
In the initial hours of searching, Leo and Raph had been worried. After twenty, they were terrified. In their thirty-second hour of tearing the city apart, they happened upon a decrepit warehouse in Brooklyn's southern district, which would have been perfectly normal, were it not for the sophisticated security cameras positioned at the doors and the armed guards situated in each blind spot.
The Dragons had really stepped up their game since the Shredder had been sent to that asteroid.
It was an opportunity that neither of the turtles wanted to miss, and the only lead as to their brother's whereabouts that they had had in at least four hours. The Dragons, for however much they had upped security, never expected an attack from the roof, which is where Leo and Raph found themselves after only a few seconds of deliberation. The roof was dotted with skylights, the largest revealing a sizable bunch of Dragons, and another smaller one emitting a steady stream of odd-smelling smoke via a thin crack in the glass. Mingling with the smoke was two voices unheard by protective older brothers for two days too long.
By the sounds of things, Don and Mikey were alive.
"Splinter's gonna by like, 'as stated under tribal law, you must regain your honor by finding a monkey and eating it.'"
"We are not a tribe. We are a clan. A super secret ninja clan made entirely of four mutated turtles and their equally mutated rat master."
"Or he's gonna be like, 'as stated under tribal law, you must…"
Alive, but not necessarily coherent. Leo and Raph exchanged a quick, WTF look before turning their eyes back to the window, just in time to catch Donny make what could have been one of his most profound observations ever.
"You're kind of like a little green ball of super energy."
Mikey slowly turned his head to his purple clad companion.
"…have you been invading my dreams?"
"I had a dream once that I was like, this superhero guy that just had a shit-ton of energy all the freakin' time! Superhero me was a boss!"
"Okay but-okay, no. Okay. I've been thinking about this for a long time. 'Cause, okay, there is no, liberal, legal, likable? No. What? What's the word where something is like, the real thing? Like solid?"
"Oh dude you mean legit?"
"Yes! I do! There is no legit reason for you to have such crazy amounts of energy all the time. Nobody else does!"
Raph looked to Leo at this. Donny had a very valid point. Mikey, however, did not have an equally valid response.
"Maybe," he offered, "my chunk of the good puddle that spawned us was contaminated by rabbit parts or something. But, like, a crack rabbit, ya know? Like a rabbit that is straight up on crack? Yeah. And then your goo chunk had parts of Einstein's brain floatin' around in there, and Raph's chunk had essence of asshole, and Leo's obviously had Big Brother in it or something, cause that dude is always watching. Always. Like right now? He's watching. He's probably right over there, staring at us."
It was true. Leo was staring at them, as was Raph. After all, it wasn't everyday that they saw their little brothers chained to a wall in a hazy room, forcibly hot-boxed and obviously high.
"…crack rabbit parts?"
Never before had Donatello sounded so hopelessly confused.
Or Mikey so eerily and finitely certain.
It was nerve-racking, and wrong on multiple levels. For one thing, Mike and Don should have never been captured by Purple Dragons in the first place. And for another, they should have never been high on weed. Ninjas didn't get high on weed. It just didn't happen. Never mind that Leo and Raph were just plain weirded out by the whole thing. Usually Leo was the one that got drugged, and Raph was the one that got taken by the Dragons. That was just how things went. It had been that way ever since the turtles had started going topside on a regular basis. The whole role reversal thing just wasn't sitting well with them, or Donny, for that matter.
"I'm not okay with that." He stated after careful consideration.
"Not okay with what, me having crack rabbit parts in my DNA?"
"Animal testing. I'm not okay with it."
"Those crazy Utrom bastards."
"You know what bro, I'm just not gonna worry about it. I've got some serious munchies and I really just need some pork rinds for realz."
"Oh man I love pork rinds!"
There weren't any words, really. In the silence, Leo decided that this was going to be the oddest rescue he'd probably ever participate in, Raph just decided to go for it, and, once they were safe in the back of the Battle Shell, Mikey and Don decided that they would much prefer pizza to pork rinds, and maybe they should wait out the effects of the weed at Casey's before going back to the lair. Splinter wasn't really a big fan of surprises.
I have no personal experience with weed, in case you were wondering. Even my second hand experience is limited. The conversation between Mikey and Don popped into my head one day while I was in my statistics class, and I simply could not let it go. I was actually very apprehensive about posting this, which manifested itself in the form of editing (I've never edited a FanFic before), just because it involves two ninja turtles, the youngest ones at that, getting high. Oh well.