Title: Constant Sorrow
Warning: Character Death
A/N: I haven't written SN in a long while; actually I haven't watched SN in a long while. This is a future based fic.
A/N/N: I recently had a great loss in my life and my mind needed an outlet, especially with the holiday weighing heavy. Who better to tell my story than Dean? This is first person p.o.v. and no beta. All mistakes are mine. Warning: this is a death fic.
It wasn't real. It couldn't be because the sun was still shining and the birds were still singing. If it was real, they would have stopped. They would know life had stopped. It wasn't fair. They were acting as nothing happened, but something did. Something unthinkable. Something painful.
He was gone.
Sammy was dead.
And this time, I couldn't bring him back. He was gone and I'm alone. Again.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. We had beaten the odds. We had fulfilled our destiny, but yet fate had other plans. Plans we had no control over. Life we had no control over.
I'm Dean Winchester and today I buried my brother. Not burned like my father… but buried. I just couldn't bring myself to burn the body. He had sacrificed so much for the in between of Heaven and Hell. Even sacrificed for Heaven and Hell with his own blood, sweat, and tears.
He deserved to go out of this life in one piece just as he had come into this world. I can't describe the feelings I have, just the emptiness and black hole in my heart. The suddenness of death, I've seen and experienced it. Unfortunately, Sammy didn't go fast. He went slow and in extreme pain.
I watched for months as he struggled to deal with the knowledge of no cure, as he fought with every breath to see another sunrise. A fight I couldn't help him with.
Helplessness was our enemy and neither of us knew how to fight it.
We had been free from the apocalypse for over a year. We were enjoying the mundane chores of hunters, until one day Sam said he wasn't feeling well. A definite sign of something wrong. We never acknowledged weakness of any kind.
We were stopped in a small town in the South. A place where the doctor knew everybody and had delivered over 50% of the population. I had tried to convince Sam to go to a hospital in a metropolitan area but he refused. He said he wanted someone low key and more apt to give a damn.
The doc was eager to help. He said we reminded him of his sons, who both were gone into the wild, blue yonder and only checked in once in a while. He started with blood tests, then urine samples, and finally ended with a barrage of CT scans and MRIs.
We ended up staying in the town for almost a month. It wasn't half bad. We enjoyed a normal life for a change. I got bored real quick, but didn't let on to Sam. I was convinced the doctor wouldn't find anything, except maybe a cold or the flu.
After the first two weeks, I began to get this twinge I couldn't explain.
It had been 4 weeks and three days since we had first seen the doc when he called and said to come see him, immediately. Sam had a pensive look on his pale face and I just felt the twinge grow into a cramp. I ignored it. We had faced demons and even Lucifer himself, I wasn't worried.
I should have been. I should have been scared out of my mind and demanded that Sam go to a big city hospital, but I didn't. It must have been the shock or Sam's acceptance.
I railed at the doctor when he proclaimed his diagnosis: cancer.
He was a quack. A small town hick who had no business trying to heal people, at least that's what I said, knew it wasn't his fault but still needed someone to blame.
Later in the car, we both sat staring out the windshield, lost in our own thoughts. I had no idea what I was supposed to do or even what to say. It was Sam who took the lead.
"It'll be okay, Dean."
It wasn't. For six months I watched him disappear before my eyes. The strong, smart Sam Winchester was reduced to a helpless young man. And I couldn't stop it.
I even prayed. Something I thought I would never do, even after all I had seen and done. It didn't help.
Sam wanted to protect me from what was happening. Kept telling me that some battles weren't meant to be won and I would be okay. I tried to ignore the signs, ignore the words, and ignore my own instincts. Something I had never done.
It was the moment when my brother shut his eyes and breathed his last breath that I felt my own heart stop. The air around me stopped moving and time stood still. But only for a few seconds.
The window drapes were open to my right and as I sat there staring at his lifeless shell of a body; I felt the sun's rays touch my face.
Highlighting the tracks of tears flowing freely. I watched the nurses turn off buttons, remove IVs, and fill out paperwork. Never once comprehending what was going on around me.
Sam was dead. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. We were going to grow old. It wasn't fair.
"I'm sorry, Dean." The doctor put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. "They need to clean him up. Why don't you go get some rest."
Rest? Was he out of his mind?
But I left. I got into the car and just stared. At the clouds, at the people walking by, at the world still moving and I started screaming. I kept screaming until no sound came out and it still didn't help. My brother was gone and I was alone.
I decided to focus on the arrangements, needing the distraction from my own pain. The casket was simple, not too fancy. I tried to bring myself to call someone, anyone and tell them what had happened. But I didn't. It had been Sam and me for too many years. There was no way I was going to share him now.
It was going to be Sam and me at the end, as it was always meant to be.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing and I felt none of it. All I saw was covered ground that now held my baby brother. I stared at the simple marker and knew it would be replaced soon. I had seen to that along with the rest of the arrangements.
It would be a simple monument. We didn't have a lot in life, why would we need expense when we died. I did splurge on one thing for the monument, a phrase. And as I think about it, it's simple too.
I buried my brother today and the world kept turning. Now all I have to do is figure out how I'm supposed to live. There's emptiness inside me and nothing will fill it again, at least, until I see Sam again.
And I will… Someday.