Disclaimers: Really, take a look at this. If I owned Kingdom Hearts, it would've been a much different game. Possibly involving dating. That would've been fun!
Author's Notes: Well, this is going up after sometime, so don't worry. I had a lot of fun writing it. Thinking like Zexion let me get my wordiness out, which helps with my writing in general. I'm also tackling two of my worst problems in writing at once! They're known as First Person POV, and Present Tense. I've always had problems with them, despite the fact that it's the 'most natural' style of writing, since it is how we speak. *sighs*Damn you present tense, and damn you First Person…. *Shakes fist*
Dedications: Evil-Pixie-Dust. Who's a good beta? You are! Yes you are! And no, I'm totally not thinking that like how I talk to my dog. I love you, babe. _ Really. Dualism, who makes me want to try a story in second person, which I've never done before. First time for everything?
This was…actually a lot of fun. There's a scene later on (not even in this chapter) that started this entire fic, though it wasn't originally supposed to be in first person. It morphed into that, and well, I like it better this way. Probably will be around three chapters, maybe four. It won't be as long as Silence is Golden, which is currently my love-child, though its chapters are being a little difficult.
AND WE BEGIN THE JOURNEY INTO ZEXION'S BRAAAAIIIINNNN….
I am uncertain on how I should begin this. Axel, the conniving flat-mate that he is, decided that I wasn't talking enough, and so he bought me this journal to…tell stories about myself. I fail to see the point. I already know everything there is to know pertaining to me. What is the point to write it all down in a book? Other people might see it, and …well, perhaps that is the point, but no one will actually read this. Even so, I will write this as though I were speaking to someone. Perhaps that will be easier for me to understand should I choose to read it again. Biographies are interesting, but only when written by interesting people.
Not everyone is as egotistical as Axel, though he refuses to acknowledge that fact with a determination that is almost holy in its intensity.
Sometimes, I wonder what Roxas sees in him, beyond his rakish charm and occasional insight.
So, instead of talking about myself, I have just decided to write about everyone else I know. I am too introspective by half, and I don't need to look in this book to remind myself of that, or to see how I have changed over the years. It is enough to know I have. I want no reminders of how young and idiotic I used to be.
Others though, others I need reminders of how they react to certain situations, that way I know when they're lying and I can predict their reactions to information being presented in different ways. Maybe that sounds too cynical, but the study of others is what has kept me on my toes, and in the good graces of a great many people. But in order for anyone, myself included, to understand the thought process I go through, one does actually need to know me, unfortunately. We will begin with the basics.
I am Zexion.
I am five-and-twenty years of age, which may be an archaic way of stating it, but it flows much better than just twenty-five years old. That, in and of itself, should tell you a lot about me. I have a profound appreciation for those things beautiful and unusual, preferably found together and not apart. There are very few things in this world that I cannot figure out with a certain amount of time spent studying them. I am overly analytical and am skeptical of most soft emotions, love in particular. I have found that people do stupid things in the name of 'love'. They kill, they rape, they kidnap, and they ruin the rest of their lives for a fleeting happiness. Most importantly, they lose all semblance of common sense. I cannot understand why they continue with such madness.
Surely such a supposedly happy emotion couldn't really be that overwhelming. Hate, yes. Hate twists people, bends them, breaks them. Envy corrupts them, avarice controls them, and lust eggs them on to more depravity. Love though? It cannot hold such power. Not even from a mother to her child.
On to other topics, now. That last part made me seem like I have no heart, and I would like to assure you that I do. It's beating in my chest right now, but never before has it beaten for someone else. I speak from a lack of experience, which is probably one of my chief regrets in my years of life so far. There hasn't been anyone before whom I have found attractive, and all the research and reading in the world pales in comparison to real-world understanding. Especially in matters of the heart. No matter how vividly someone describes joy to you, you will never understand it until you yourself feel it.
This is why I don't write about myself. I never seem to make any sense.
That scheming Axel… He remembered my hatred of defiling books. I cannot simply tear out these pages, or even cross out what I have written. I have a deep and abiding adoration of books. The smell of them, leather and paper and glue and ink, smells like home to me.
Some acquaintances of mine would make a joke about me being born in a library for that last remark.
Foolish people. That's just unsanitary, and my mother was far more intelligent than that.
Something a bit more physical, I suppose, and then we will be ready to move on. I wear baggy, too-large clothes when no one else is around and I don't expect to change that anytime soon. They are far more comfortable than most other clothes, in my opinion. When I am in the company of others I wear fitted shirts and simple jeans or slacks. Few people have seen me in anything else, and those people are limited to Axel and Roxas, really. Appearances are important to a certain extent, and I always attempt to appear professional.
The rest of a person is made in how they act. I have been told that I am intimidating, since I do not allow emotions on my face, nor do I seem to care much about what others think. I do care, in case you are wondering. But only about two things.
It is important that I either be respected or feared.
Perhaps the fact that Axel and Roxas will do neither is the reason I keep them around.
I will end here for the night. Perhaps tomorrow, we shall begin on my redheaded flat-mate. He is certainly…interesting, if nothing else.
A man stands, sighing as he shakes his head and stretches his fingers. His roommate is not home yet and the apartment is dark; he likes it that way. Changing his clothes to something more suited for sleeping, he wanders aimlessly from room to room, finally ending up back where he began. Despite his weariness, the man stares out the window at the moon and stars, dark eyes examining their colors and forms.
He is there for many hours.
I believe I mentioned that today I would start on my analysis of Axel. He is an intriguing person, and I have no doubt that most of you reading this will find him actually quite likable and charming, but trust me when I say that one only thinks that when one does not have to come into physical contact with him, or have to worry about his sharp wit being aimed at you.
Axel and I first met in college. We were roommates, though if Marluxia had not been there as well, one of us probably would have died. It was a hard time. Axel was far too used to getting his own way, and he was even more of an arrogant asshole than he is today. Meeting Roxas has mellowed him out a bit, if only because his little blonde lover is not above cutting off sex in order to … dissuade certain behaviors.
I am jumping around too much. Let me try again.
Axel was a pathological liar, to a certain extent. He didn't lie about everything all of the time, but he did lie about a lot of things to most everyone. Even the people closest to him (by whom I mean, Marluxia and Saïx, his childhood friends) were very rarely able to get the entire truth from him. There was a different version for every person, though he so closely interwove the truth and the lies that it took a complete outsider, me in this case, to even realize what he was doing.
His friend Saïx had gone to a different college, and I think that loss accounted for a great deal of Axel's snippy behavior in the first couple of weeks. He lied to Marluxia about him being lonely, he lied to me about caring, he even lied about ever knowing a person named Saïx, and he constantly tried to get me kicked out of the dorms. It was an interesting experience, one he only stopped after I tied him to his bed in his sleep so that I could keep him still long enough to face him down.
I believe I will transcribe that incident here.
It is, after all, an amusing thing in retrospect.
I sat on top of my sleeping roommate, waiting for him to register the weight on his abdomen. Finally, he snorted awake, and almost immediately began straining at the bonds on his wrists and ankles. I rolled my eyes and jabbed him in the cheek to get him to stop moving.
'Now listen to me, and listen well, Axel. As entertaining as it is to continually get to convince the RAs that I'm not the one who's always setting the toilets on fire, no matter whose initials the flames spell, I'm getting quite tired of this. You need to stop. It is no longer fun, and is mostly a hassle.' I sat back slightly and crossed my arms, staring at him in an analytical manner that I knew scared most people, 'I trust you, you know.'
That sentence made him stop struggling. He blinked up at me with those too-green eyes. 'What?' he whispered.
'I trust you. Oh, I know you lie all the time, but you never pretend you don't. If you get caught lying, you don't deny it.' I raised one eyebrow, murmuring, 'It's refreshing. Now stop trying to get me kicked out of the dorms and I'll try to help you get your lying problem under control.'
He was silent. I jabbed him in the chest, and finally, he agreed.
Axel began laughing after that, and made me promise to never tie him to his own bed again. It still brings a small smile to my face, to hear him laugh that same, truly happy sound. Too often, his laughs are more like snorts, or snickers, and are too cynical.
That was the beginning of our…rather odd friendship, if you consider that it literally was based on lies.
And Axel doesn't lie as much anymore. He told me one day that he no longer feels as though he has to. I suspect Roxas had more to do with it than I did.
A few of you might be wondering about Marluxia at this point. He is a rather likable person, and Axel still calls him whenever he gets an hour or two to spare. No one really expected him to be as independent and wealthy as he is. Marluxia owns and runs his own 'apothecary', though it would be fairer to call it a medicine-supply shop.
Then again, with his almost-husband, Vexen, cooking up God-knows-what in the back, perhaps apothecary is the correct term after all.
No one really knows how that couple started. In fact, we only even knew that Doctor Vexen, our old chemistry professor from college, began sleeping with Marluxia because of two simple clues.
One, Marluxia, long since known as the school's slut, had stopped sleeping around.
Two, he came home one time with proof of Vexen's skill with chemistry and his tongue on his neck and shoulders.
It's not really as bad as it sounds, though how Vexen came up with a skin dye that wasn't toxic if swallowed remains unclear, though impressive. Marluxia had no idea it was there, or if he noticed it, he only glanced at it after he put on his jacket. And from that angle, it only looked like a typical love bite.
Really, one would think that 'Property of Vexen' would be a little hard to miss. But our Chemistry Professor is nothing if not cunning. And apparently skilled with his tongue, though I never needed to know that.
How he managed to write that legibly with his tongue…. That is another thing I do not need to know.
Theirs has been a lasting relationship, despite some rough starts, and now, almost four years later, they are married in every way except legally. They are married in the only way that really matters: They say they are in love and are faithful to each other.
I find myself happy for them.
Back to my roommate, however.
Axel is an extraordinarily dedicated person to those he deems 'his', and despite his relatively extroverted and friendly nature, it is actually quite difficult to become one of those people. Most are turned away by the lying, the rest by his acidic tongue. The rare few who see beyond that are gifted with a surprisingly deep loyalty. Lying is just part of who Axel is, and I have learned that he will not lie about anything truly important. He might skirt around the truth and riddle his way about it, but he will never lie.
I am glad for that. His strange brand of honesty has made it easier for me to realize that he cares for people, which in turn allowed me to consider him a friend in return.
Also, while Axel is a flirt, his pursuit of Roxas was nothing short of dedicated. It was a slow seduction, and one Roxas barely even noticed until the redheaded fool actually kissed him. Even though Axel earned a sucker-punch to the groin for that stunt, to this day he swears it was worth it. Seeing how happy they are together makes me almost believe him. Axel and Roxas deserve their own brand of dysfunctional joy.
Though they would probably say the same about me.
That is a thought for another time. For now, more on the redheaded annoyance.
As I've stated numerous times, Axel has red hair. But it's not the gentle copper that most people think of when someone says redhead. It is fire-truck red, ripe apple red, expensive Ferrari red, if you will. Somehow, it's even natural, and the genetics involved in that make even my head hurt. His eyes are a green too fierce to be called emerald, and too bright to be anything else. They always look feverish and are in perpetual motion, darting sidelong sardonic glances at everything in sight. He sleeps on his side, and until Roxas showed up, I never realized that he had always curled as if he were wrapped around another person.
He's tall, too tall in my opinion, and made of legs, arms, and bones. There's nothing extra on his body, and he's a model of lean elegance, walking as though he owns the world, despite his almost too-thin frame. In a certain, predatory way, I suppose he could be considered attractive. It's all a matter of personal taste, I suppose, since the soundproofing work done on Axel and Roxas's room – as well as the numerous times they've had to replace some piece of furniture- indicate that Roxas finds him very attractive indeed.
I'm sure anyone reading this has noticed the numerous references to a person named Roxas. Roxas is Axel's boyfriend of two and a half years. And he will be my subject for tomorrow evening. It is getting quite late, and I do have work tomorrow, after all.
Farewell for the time being.
Leaning back in his chair, the pale man stares quietly at the flicker of lights on the walls. He tilts his head slightly, as though listening to someone speak, before standing and getting ready for bed. As the man goes through the apartment and turns off all the lights, he stops at a door that leads to another's room.
Placing a hand on the door, he hears soft noises, the sounds of sleeping. A smile that has never seen the light of day crosses his face, and he pads back to his room, content in the knowledge that his roommates are together yet again.
He sleeps soundly, the name of someone he has not yet met dropping silently from his lips.
There isn't really a good way to try and ease you into this topic today, so we'll just have to jump right in. Forgive me for any abruptness; it's been a long day at the library.
Roxas is an enigma. Truly, he is, and I do not say that about many people. The small blonde is quiet, sarcastic, caustic, kind, and strangely intelligent. That isn't to say he's stupid, far from it in fact. He's just not conventionally intelligent. The 'kid', as Axel called him when they first met, is an absolute genius when it comes to graffiti art. It's a strange subject, but he seems to understand it instinctively, and can draw anything at the drop of a hat as long as he is properly inspired.
His latest muse is, not surprisingly, his lover, Axel. The pieces he comes up with now are very emotive, and I find a strange sort of sad beauty in them. Perhaps that is a remnant of his earlier part of his relationship with the redhead, where he was expecting to be left at every possible opportunity. Roxas has a skewed sense of his own self-worth, though that is changing now.
But, I digress.
Roxas is not someone who backs down from a challenge. If one is placed in front of him, he sometimes goes to extreme lengths to prove that he can do it, but he doesn't always rush blindly into a situation. The blonde is willing to step back and evaluate before he goes in, so he typically has a plan, unlike his helter-skelter lover, who seems to delight in making up workable plots on the fly.
His twin brother, Sora, was better known as the sweetheart when they were in school, but Roxas had his own type of notoriety. He was the 'take-no-shit' type back then, and time hasn't changed that much, only made him better at hiding it behind layers of falsely polite sarcasm. I only know this much from the stories the twins tell, though. We met him in college, and it was quite an unconventional meeting.
After all, it's not every day you get stuck in an elevator with a feisty blonde, though those are Axel's words and not mine.
I was in a conference at the time; otherwise none of this would have happened. Axel had come with me and, as is his nature, became dreadfully bored. He slipped out of the room without me noticing and apparently decided to try and ride all the elevators in the hotel before the meeting finished. For about twenty minutes, he just took them up and down, looking out the glass to the lobby and running down the hallways to the next elevator.
Then Roxas got on one with him.
And, of course, the power went out.
Surprisingly enough, Axel actually did not immediately try and molest Roxas the second he had opportunity. They casually joked about the situation, traded stories, talked about themselves, each other, everything else. Nothing happened that was the least bit perverted, which is what Axel normally would have been doing.
The fact that Roxas is deathly afraid of falling probably had something to do with that.
Though it also could be that Axel might actually have some sense of decorum and knew better than to try anything in an elevator that could start up any second.
…Upon reexamination of that last statement, perhaps not.
Anyway, from what I have gathered of the situation, the power went out and Roxas steadily grew more panicked. Axel simply tried talking to him to get the blonde's mind off of falling. It worked quite well, and a few days later, we found a harassed looking blue-eyed set of twins outside our door, the brunette one insisting that he know which of us stopped Roxas from having a panic attack. We thought that would be the end of it, only then Axel wondered how the blonde was doing. The two of them started a cautious sort of circling acquaintance that dragged all four of us into it.
By which I mean this: They began a series of brief encounters that were a delight in push-and-pull dynamics. One would make an advance, brush against the other, and then retreat the second the other responded. Repeat for a while and begin to extend the length of time they stayed in contact until finally the twins were firmly ensconced in our lives.
Sora and Roxas haven't really left since.
It is important that I tell you who Sora is, as well. He is irrevocably twined with his brother as they are braided together so tightly it is sometimes hard to see where one leaves off and the other begins. They are similar in interests, though their methods differ. However, they are both famously protective, tough Sora is more liberal in his choices of who to protect.
He is currently dating a boy named Riku, who is like a silver-haired, younger, less caustic version of Axel, in my opinion. That being said, Riku is sometimes easier to deal with, but he is also less predictable. Roxas still doesn't approve of his twin's choice and spends his time around Sora's boyfriend heckling the boy, which leads Axel to do the same. So Riku and Axel and Roxas don't get along very well, and it's only Sora's calming presence that keeps them from ripping each other's throats out.
They are a completely different sort of couple than Roxas and Axel, to be fair. Sora and Riku are codependent. What one of them lacks, the other will make up for. Riku is quick to hate, and slow to forgive, whereas Sora takes that in reverse. Sometimes the brunette is too lenient on those who have done him wrong, but that is simply who he is. Axel and Roxas compete with each other, in a way. Theirs is a dynamic relationship that burns brightly and feeds from both the partners, where Sora and Riku are a gentle light reflected in mirrors to become brighter and brighter.
Either way, their respective partners bring out the best in all four of them. No matter what any others think.
When they first met, apparently Riku and Sora didn't quite get along, by all reports. They were the schoolboy rivals for the first two years of their college life, and that led to a series of almost-fights which somehow brought them to where they are now. According to Roxas, he fell asleep one night with Sora ranting about Riku and how much he hated the silver-haired boy, and woke up the next morning to his twin telling him that they were now dating. I don't doubt the truth of this statement. Sora, once he realizes something, does not know the word 'hesitation'. Riku was startled too, but he decided to see where this new feeling would lead them. I do have the suspicion that Riku would never willingly hurt Sora, unless it was through some mistaken idea that he would protect the brunette from a greater harm. Sora calls it 'sweet'. I say impractical. He should stay by Sora's side no matter what. That is what will always help the sunny brunette most.
But then again, Riku has a hard time believing that Sora still likes him.
Strange boy, that one.
Roxas and Sora are both diminutive in stature, standing only to the level of my eyes. They have the same color eyes, a haunting and captivating shade of blue, though Sora's seem more like midday sky and I've never been quite sure what Roxas's remind me of. Roxas has vibrant blonde hair, spiked to fall against his face before rising up above his right eye and leading a trail of spikes back down his head. He favors wearing black and white, which is a good indication of how he views the world. Or at least, how he wants to view the world. Something tells me he is well aware of all the shades of grey.
Axel says that Roxas has the sexier voice between the twins. I am unsure if this is true, as I believe my preferences do not lie in the same direction as that menace. The menace being Axel, of course. I do know that Sora has a lovely laugh, full of bells. On the other hand, Roxas's laugh is coated in emotions that are too numerous to place, and it sounds like crystal.
It has been a longer day than I realized if I'm waxing lyrical on my charges' laughs.
If you are wondering about that last statement, I have adopted the twins, in my own way. It was a compulsion in me, since I look out for them as though they were my family anyway. So they are my charges, my brothers. Axel and Riku are still just the boyfriends, which means they are free game for harassment and threatening.
There is just…something about the twins that makes you want to protect them.
I know not, but I do know I need sleep. Last night was not nearly restful enough. I am not sure when I shall pick this up again, as that was the end of my analysis of Roxas.
We shall see, I suppose.
The pale man closes the book and sets down his pen with a sigh of weariness. Flicking off the lamp, he is plunged into shadows. He stands, dresses for bed. His nightly ritual of walking the apartment to make sure everything is where it should be begins, though he ends it paused by the window, staring over the city beneath him, at the moon hanging, low and swollen against the horizon.
His face is still, calm, as unmoving as the surface of stone, and is carved half in ebony, half in porcelain, pale and dark from the moon's reflected light.
There is no telling what his thoughts are as he stands there, silently watching the sleeping city. Ink-stained hands rise to brush his hair back in a reflexive movement before he returns to his room, sliding under cool sheets and pressing his face to a pillow that smells of sleep.
He is dreaming within moments.
I haven't picked this up in a while, about three weeks or so. There didn't seem to be much to talk about after I've explained my acquaintances' characteristics. Today, however, someone new has entered the stage.
He is a musician, though the proper term is probably 'bard' or 'minstrel'. He wanders from place to place within this city, and has recently struck up a friendship with Axel. Despite the fact that Axel has spoken of him often, today was my first time meeting him.
First impressions to begin with.
He has sandy blonde hair -unlike Roxas, whose hair is sunlight blonde- and it is styled extensively into a faux-hawk. His bangs seem like fly-aways from the rest of his hair, and they fall in random accents across his face. His smile is as sunlight, bright and quick and warming, though there seem to be variations to it that I cannot, as of yet, properly identify.
It is his eyes, however, that have drawn my interest.
They are not blue, not green, nor any true shade betwixt the two, but rather seem to be the ever-changing color of the sea. On the surface, they hold only enjoyment and happiness. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but something in them gave me pause.
Beneath the obvious lust for life is a strange flickering sadness and loneliness. It only appeared twice during my observation earlier this evening. Both times were during moments where Axel and Roxas were yet again displaying their strange brand of 'couple telepathy', as I have named it. This phenomenon only proves how well they know each other, and how accustomed they are to each other's presence. Never do they seem to take it granted, though. Every time it is used, their telepathy is again a source of wonder.
But it seems the blonde is saddened by its existence. I am wondering if it is because he doesn't like their displays of 'couple-dom' (which seems unlikely, since he was fine with any other declaration they made) or if he longs for something similar. It will be a delight to find out, and I believe that this journal is the perfect place to go into such things.
It seems I have a new subject.
His name is Demyx.
We shall begin on him tomorrow.
Placing his pen to the side, the violet-haired man stretches back in his chair before standing. As he walks around the apartment, he notices a blue wristband lying casually on the couch. He picks it up, twists it between his fingers for a few moments, and sets it gently on the side table. He knows it belongs to the odd musician.
He wonders why it was left.
Leaving such matters to the morning light, he quickly finishes his rounds, retreating to his room. He falls asleep quickly, curled on his back. He has dreams he will not remember when he wakes up. All he will remember is the feel of waves, the taste of saltwater and blue-green eyes that contain the ocean and all the mysteries therein.
It is a long night, filled with long dreams.
To be continued….
Well, obviously, since I can't just leave it there. *sweatdrops*
Unlike Silence is Golden, I'm not going to have the numbered Author's Comments in the middle of the journals. I think that would just detract from the whole work (since it is supposed to be as if Zexion himself is writing this), and it doesn't sit in well. But there are a few notes!
1 – Zexion Illuminatus – No, this is not his actual last name. I can see Zexion using this as a sort of moniker for his own writing. It means 'one who has achieved enlightenment'. The connection to that terrorist group in Angels and Demons is only superficial, I promise.
2 – The wristband – …can anyone say foreshadowing…*dramatic music cue!*
Other than that, I'll answer any questions you might have. Except for "what's going to happen next?" because that one should only be answered by the rest of the story! *duck-faces*
So, see you all next chapter, either here or in Silence is Golden!