'Roundmound of a Beehound' – Cracfic contest entry

Title: Bella's Cuntry Pie

Author: TishPhoenix & JaspersTemptress

Pairing: B/C/J/Em

Point of View: Bella

Rating: M

Beta: JaspersIzzy & Clurabella; thank you both so much for your help on this =)

Summary: Bella is tired of the constant hot and cold games from Edward. After a cryptic goodbye from Alice, Bella finds herself chatting with the last person she thought she ever would. They talk at length leaving Bella questioning her hooha. Will the dirty Cullen boys have the answers that she so desperately needs?

Disclaimer: As always, we don't own a thing. All rights go to Stephanie Myers. As mentioned above, this one shot contains three of the dirty Cullen boys! Dirty, hot and downright sexy times will ensue – you have been warned! If you are not 18+, please do not read! Please don't take this seriously – it's just a smutty crackfic one shot. Enjoy!


I suddenly awoke from my dreams, remembering that today was the day the family were going hunting. I took in the surroundings of Edward's peaceful room. The sun shone into the room from the large, glass window.

Shame it doesn't always feel this way, I thought wryly.

I swear I was having the best dream of my life...Edward was an animal. The words he spoke were...well…unf! The dream had quickly turned into passionate lustful haze. Edward caressed my hips and thighs before growling against my panty covered snatch.

He growled. "I can only imagine how sweet the nectar is from your glorious honey pot, my Love. I have to taste you."

Before my dream could allow that to happen, the sun had woken me, shining brightly into his room through the damn glass wall. I had once loved that particular feature, but now it only added to my irritability, of not only this morning, but of the entire situation surrounding my Cha-Cha.

Edward had been adamant in his sexual teasing, refusing to even think about sex before marriage. It didn't stop Edward from getting me all hot and bothered on a regular occasion though. I could tell poor Jasper was at his wits end, as was I. Unlike Edward, he could actually feel my lust, my desire, my frustrations – Jasper understood.

My damn coot felt like it was about to fall apart. The relentless hot and cold games Edward had been playing frustrated me no end and my toothless sea lion needed feeding. As if right on cue my furry, pink mink depriving vampire reared his head. "Good morning, my Love."

I mumbled incoherently in disagreement, it wasn't a good morning at all.

I tried, but just couldn't find a way to convince myself this morning could be good in any shape or form. Now, if Edward had ravaged my love tunnel, like my dream was leading to, that would have made this morning fan-fucking-tastic!

What a way to wake up...

I pushed the thought aside knowing no good would come of it. It seemed as though even the damn sun was conspiring to deprive my poor minge.

Edward moaned. "Don't be like that, Bella. I have to go."

Dumb ass obviously thought that I was upset about his departure. If the everlasting cum stopper knew what was good for him, he would stop while he was ahead, and leave before I said something I might not regret.

"That's fine Edward. It's just the sun." I lied, hoping he wouldn't respond.

As I hoped, he didn't reply, but the his expression was troubled. I knew he could see through my lies but since he let them go, so would I. I crawled out of his grasp and sulked as I made my way into the bathroom for my morning shower. I finished quickly, and patted my skin dry before getting dressed. I changed into a brown skirt, with lace detail, and a cream colored Henley top, with lace around the hem and neckline.

When I returned to the room, I was thankful Edward was not there. However, an annoying Pixie was. Alice sat on the edge of the grand bed Edward had insisted on buying tapping her foot.

"Alice." I greeted cautiously, unsure what she wanted.

"Oh, don't be that way, Bella. I just wanted to let you know we're leaving. You should check your emails and reply to Renee before she decides to call, or worse yet...visit."

Alice stood and headed towards the door, pausing for a moment, before turning around to face me.

"By the way, just go with it. I know she is a bit unconventional, but she can help. Nothing you could do would ever make me hate you, Bella. Just enjoy your time with them and have fun for once. We'll be back in two days."

"Cryptic." I mumbled, before calling downstairs my goodbyes.

In return, I was responded by their unified farewells as the Cullen's left to go hunting.

I decided to act on Alice's advice and went into Jasper's study and logging onto the computer. Alice was right, Renee had sent me several emails, about nothing in particular. Most of the emails however did seem to concern my vertical smileand if it was truly happy.

I replied quickly, diverting from the subject of my snake charmer, before I noticed an alert on my I.M pop up in the corner of the screen.


Suck*U*bi* XXX wants to chat.

Who the hell is that?

Their screen name said little about who they were and they weren't on my friends list. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but I was simply intrigued – it couldn't hurt to ask who they were, right?

I quickly answered as a large, personal chat window opened.

Suck*U*bi* XXX: Well, well, well…If it isn't our favorite little human. How are you, Bella?

Poochika: Tanya? Is that you?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: The one and only, baby!

Poochika: Well, isn't this a surprise, us being on friendly terms...

Suck*U*bi*XXX: I never hated you Bella, I envied you. After all this time, you catch the man of my dreams. Can I ask you a question?

Poochika: Um, sure?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: What's Edward like? I can only imagine how well hung he is. I mean, with a mind like his and his gift, he has to know a thing or two about the Venus butterfly right?

Poochika: *Blushes.* I wouldn't know, we don't do anything, *sighs.*

Suck*U*bi*XXX: What?! I...I don't know what to say…what a Prude! Does he not realize women have needs too?

Poochika: I try. Alice helps, she buys me lingerie and while he likes that, it doesn't ever work. He doesn't get that I have sexual needs.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Have you thought about using toys? They have this rabbit out there and the cyber skin is to die for, baby! What about other...venues...so to speak?

Poochika: Really? All I've ever heard about from Alice and Rose is this thing called the "sparkle peen." It's said to work wonders for the deep pink…but I wouldn't know personally.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Oh dear, you are too cute! Think about it…why do you think they would name it the "sparkle peen"?

Poochika: Oh my God! It looks like a vampire's dick?! Well, obviously since they sparkle all over.*blushes*

Suck*U*bi*XXX: It definitely gives merit to the other venues option too.

Poochika: Time to do some online shopping, I think.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: No silly girl! How many males are in your household?

Poochika: Four. Do I even want to know what you've got up your sleeve?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: It's time you started thinking with your inner seductress, girl. You can't keep denying your Cha-Cha! It's a shrine that deserves to be worshiped. I'm sure the men in your house could help? Don't even try to act like you haven't noticed them all. Just imagine them on the quest for your Holy Grail, baby!

Poochika: What do you have in mind?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Well, what do you think of them? Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett to be exact? Let's start out easy, one at a time. What do you see when you look at Carlisle?

Poochika: Who wouldn't find Carlisle attractive? I mean, come on, they're all absolutely gorgeous, but I see Carlisle as a real man; I'd want to screw the living daylights out of him. There's something extremely fuckable about him.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Damn girl, that's the ticket! Can you imagine Carlisle, big dick daddy has to be packing something good to make Esme as calm as she is. You know her Golden palace is a contented place. I bet he's a freak too! It's always the quiet ones…

Poochika: Oh, and Emmett's size, I get the idea that he's wild in the sack and is definitely packing some heat!

Suck*U*bi*XXX: He's a beast of a man who sparks with a hunger within. Like the saying goes; big feet, big hands, big...know what I mean? Hell, Rose may be a bitch at times but you know he keeps her growler well fed.

Poochika: Rose is very lucky with that monkey man, I wonder how he hangs?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Crooked and to the left. That she is, Bella, but you could be too. Now what about Ares himself? That cocky Southern smirk has to do something to you?

Poochika: Ares, I think he's more the sensual type. I think he would take his time to appreciate the pooswaa.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: That he would – he's the passion incarnate. He knows how to take care of the tinker bell and I don't mean Alice. He is a true worshiper to the Holiest of Holy's.

Poochika: *sighs* I need to get laid. Damn Edward for being so perfect.

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Girl, that's what I mean! Obviously Eddie boy isn't perfect...

Poochika: Oh?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: You need to break away from that damn furby and get with a real man. It's nothing new to the rest of the Cullen men. I have a feeling they'll be more than happy to help you.

Poochika: Who do you suggest help me out with my situation?

Suck*U*bi*XXX: Seek them all out, Bella, none will deny you the mystical folds. Especially one in such need as yours...

With that, Tanya signed out as I sat there, staring at the screen, stunned.

Did I really just have that conversation with Tanya, of all people? Did she really expect me to converse with them all about this? Alice would kill me, Rose…God, I'd hate to think of what she would do and Esme, I'm sure Esme would show just how animalistic she can be. Hell, if my gizmo had claim to any of those men I would be just as territorial! At the same time, I was seriously turned on by the thought of them and if any of them came back soon, they would all surely know from the Jezebel's smell.

Oh Shit!

I turned around quickly, having been interrupted by a small cracking noise in the corner of the room. It was just as I had suspected and feared. There stood all of the Cullen men, minus Edward. Each of them, including Carlisle, wore a devilish smirk. I guess the saying is true; speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"Whatcha doin', Bells?" Em asked, waggling his brows in unison.

"Uh…nothing?" I replied.

"You sure, Bella? Your emotions say otherwise, Darlin'." Jasper questioned.

My eyes widened as I realization crashed around me.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked, terrified of the truth.

Carlisle stepped forward and embraced me in his arms lovingly. "Bella, there is nothing to be ashamed about. Alice told us that we were needed back here. Imagine our surprise when we got here to find you chatting with our dear friend Tanya, about us and your lotus no less."

Cue the inevitable blush and mortification...

I closed my eyes, hoping I would just die from embarrassment. It was then that I felt another cold body press against my back. Their hands began trailing up and down the sides of my arms, which were currently resting on Carlisle's biceps. I could feel my desire spike.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Sugar. We all know you have needs and that our dear Eddie isn't fulfilling them. Now, since I haven't finished my hunt, Darlin', your cuntry pie is looking like the perfect substitute – it's smellin' mighty fine too."

Jasper's perfect twang was thicker than before. As I glanced back into his eyes, I could see they were hooded with lust. Damn his sexiness! Jasper leaned into me and I could feel his erection pressing against my back. His breath fanned against my neck, as he kissed me, trailing his lips up to my ear.

He whispered. "Do you like the sound of that, Sugar?"

Emmett replied, when I couldn't find the words. "I bet she does Jazz. I doubt our Bells is innocent."

"Edward doesn't know what he's missing." Carlisle moaned, as he leaned down kissing the other side of my neck, while Jazz was still latched onto my left hand side.

I felt Em's hands travel between my legs and saw Carlisle's hands seconds before I felt them caressing my breasts. I couldn't help but moan. Having them all tending to my every need was surreal, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stop them. Their attention lavished across me and without realizing, we had quickly moved across the room to the over sized chaise lounge that occupied the study.

Carlisle looked up to me before glancing at the Jasper and Emmett. "What do you say, guys, you's two open up Pandora's box while I go gather a few things for our girl?"

I couldn't imagine what the hell Carlisle would need, I already had three men waiting on my every need. All coherent thought left me when I felt two, very different, hands caressing my mid section. They trailed across my body and came to rest at my waist band. I felt a finger dip under the waistband before slightly tugging. I heard the sound of ripping fabric…

I looked down and realized they had torn the skirt clean off me. I was thankful that my little Debbie was covered in lace lingerie that Alice had bought me. Jasper and Emmett switched positions. Em started kissing my neck, his hands trailing down my breasts as Jazz kissed my inner thighs, moving his way up towards my crotch socket. When Jasper arrived at my lace covered jewel box, I felt him hook his fingers into the sides of my boy shorts I knew I had to say something.

"Alice will kill you, Jazz, if you rip these." I spoke vehemently before mumbling, "if she doesn't kill you for this in the first place, and me while she's at it."

Of course they both heard and slightly chuckled, ignoring my protests. Jasper ripped my lacy short away regardless of my warning. I was about to say something when Emmett silenced me, kissing me passionately. When he backed away, too soon for my liking might I add, Jasper spoke.

"Hush ya mind, Bella, and just feel. I plan to worship ya shrine before Carlisle gets back." He purred, wasting no time diving right into my muff.

I was in heaven. Jasper definitely knew his alphabet and damn if the venom didn't have it's own I. It tingled, making every move, caress and flick of his tongue intensify. I was quickly coming close to the brink of ecstasy when the door suddenly burst open, and a disheveled Carlisle stood there topless, belt buckle undone and a look of raw lust in his eyes.

"You were projecting, Jasper" Carlisle scolded playfully.

"God, Carlisle, you would too. She has the most delectable tasting mound of Venus I've ever tried. See for yourself." Jasper replied with reverence.

I was right about one thing, Jasper was the most sensual of the three. Em was the animal and I could only pray Carlisle was a kinky son of a bitch! As soon as the words left Jasper's mouth, Carlisle hovered above me.

"Would you like that, Bella? Would you like my mouth savoring the taste of your sweet briar?"

I could only whimper at the husky tone he was using and without warning I felt his fingers caress my kitty cage before thrusting his fingers into me, curling the tips and finally bringing me over the edge with a feral scream.

He kept up his rhythm while my body was coming down from its high. When the tremors were over, I was left wanting more as he removed his fingers and brought them languidly to his mouth. His tongue circled over his fingers briefly before his lips enclosed around them.

He moaned. "You're right, Jasper. She definitely gives new meaning to a breakfast of champions…"

Carlisle leaned back over me, nuzzling into my neck, while Emmett caressed my breasts roughly and Jazz, my thighs sensually.

"Do you know what we're going to do to you, Bella?" Carlisle asked teasingly.

I couldn't answer as I felt his tongue seal his words, licking the spot below my ear. I could only form another whimper. His responding chuckle was his only answer before he pulled back and looked me in the eye.

"As much as I want to fuck you, I won't. I will however take your kitty kat to new heights while Jasper takes this tight lil' hole of yours," He spoke the last part while grabbing my ass roughly to emphasize his words. "All the while you will take Emmett into that pretty little mouth of yours."

I could only gasp at his words.

"You like the sound of that don't you?" He cooed before standing up, handing a bag to jasper before undressing himself.

I couldn't help but rub my thighs together for some much needed friction. The sight of his now naked form made me weak with desire. If Edward was my Adonis, then Carlisle was surely Zeus, for he was a god amongst men. He pulled me up into his arms and kissed me passionately before laying himself on the chaise opening his arms to me.

"Come here, Isabella"

I crawled to him from the end of the lounge, letting my body drag across his before straddling his thighs. His hands moved to my hips, pulling my hips forward, my slick pink heaven brushing against him roughly a few times before finally lifted me.

Carlisle placed his engorged member at my slick entrance, before sliding into me fluidly. All breathing in the room stopped , besides Carlisle and my own. There was a slight pain as he broke through my barrier, but nothing too uncomfortable as I relished his member filling me.

After a few moments, my desire spiked once again. I rolled my hips against Carlisle's seeking that wonderful friction. Jasper pulled me against him, caressing my hips and ass slowly, teasing my puckered hole as he began to move. My gasps, mewls and moans were the only sound to be heard. I was close to the brink of ecstasy, Carlisle's constant thrusts pushing me closer as I rode him hard.

I felt Carlisle halt my movements before leaning into me, kissing him at the same time as Jasper approached me from behind. I had almost forgotten Jasper and Emmett were still there as Jasper began to prepare me with his fingers before slipping his cock inside me.

Carlisle and Jasper both groaned while I started to tense. Jasper sent me wave after wave of serenity, desire and passion And I finally relaxed. I felt him enter me fully. It was then that I leaned away from Carlisle and motioned for Emmett as I spoke.

"Come here, Grizzly."

"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed.

I took him in my mouth greedily as Carlisle's hands caressed my breasts. Jasper held my hips firmly as they quickly worked themselves into a steady rhythm. I found myself once again on the edge of ecstasy. It was Jasper who finally brought me my much needed release. He reached around and stroked my rosebud with vigor. I wanted to scream out my release but with Em in my mouth I could only hum and take him in deeper, causing him to groan.

Emmett roared out. "Fuck"

Emmett's seed spilled into my mouth and I could tell Carlisle and Jasper were both close as well. Their thrusts became erratic and determined. I eagerly met them thrust for thrust and soon they both stilled their movements, gripping me tightly as they called out my name.

I collapsed against Carlisle's chest as he stroked my hair lovingly, both of us panting, though only one of us needed to breath. Jasper tenderly kissed up my spine, sending waves of his contentment out to us all. Em bent over and kissed my cheek and my eyes closed. The last thing I remember, before drifting to sleep, was Carlisle's voice.

"Sleep now angel. You need to be well rested for later."

He sealed his words with a kiss to the crown of my head and I fell asleep peacefully.


The next two days went by in a rush. We explored each others bodies reverently. Each of them took their turn worshiping my hot spot. When the time came for the family to return, we all decided to sit and watch a movie.

I really didn't have a preference as to who I cuddled. Carlisle's side sat on one side, while my feet rested in Jasper's lap. Carlisle held me close as Jasper's hands caressed my calves.

Em picked out the movie and turned around only to groan as there was no spot left for him. I simply called him over by hooking my finger and signaling for him to sit on the floor. He did so eagerly and I let my fingers graze his scalp, playing with his black, baby curls. Within seconds the title came on and I groaned when I saw what we were watching.

I rolled my eyes. "Hairy Potter, Em?"

I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV and DVD player. Thank God I did, for the moment it all turned off, the front door opened and in walked Alice. She winked at me, before pulling Jasper into her embrace and kissing him lovingly. That sneaky wench...God, I love her!

The next thing I saw made me and Emmett crack up. Alice whacked Jasper on the back of the head before placed her hands on her hips.

"I hope you had fun buddy, because that's the last bit of fun you will have for a month! Two words Jasper, Le Perla!" She scolded as Em and I laughed. "How could you rip those? They were from a limited edition collection, Jazzy!"

Jasper leaned over to whisper something into Alice's ear. She glared at him before stomping up the stairs. Jasper's shoulders slumped and he began to follow her like a lost puppy as he begged her to reconsider. When she wouldn't listen to him, he returned to the couch with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I told you so, Jaz." I said, feeling quite smug at the moment.

He responded with a smirk and the sudden spike of desire within me made me gasp.

Alice yelled down the stairs. "Don't even think about it, Jasper! She'll be too busy with Edward anyway."

Jasper quit and went upstairs to join his wife as Carlisle and Emmett wordlessly did the same with theirs.

All I could think about was what that could Alice mean? Could the prude Count Fapula finally come around?

When Edward finally entered the house the look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know...