Black screen.

Caption: Furlington National Cemetery. Eight miles north of Windy. Two days after the Battle for Rommel.

Cut to close-up of pastor's face.

Pastor: Today, we are burying the bodies of six valiant squirrel soldiers and commemorating eleven. Private Peter Alva was a sniper at the battle of Rommel. He served brilliantly until a tank shell exploded in the post he was in. He is being awarded posthumously with a Silver Star. Staff Sergeant Tom Hagen is being awarded with a Bronze Star for his performance in Rommel, along with his moral duty. He saved Private Conker from a one Staff Sergeant James Handson, who was about to murder him, by killing the latter. Corporal Jeremy Melsto is being decorated with a Purple Heart and a Distinguished Service Cross. After being hit in the shoulder, Melsto went on the final charge of Rommel, which was ultimately the most significant move of the battle. Sergeant First Class Henry Hallowell's family is being awarded with his Distinguished Service Medal. He organized the defense of Rommel, and commanded it before being attacked and murdered by Staff Sergeant Handson. He is a great loss, having being awarded multiple awards in previous wars, including the Medal of Honor, Silver Star, and Victory Medal. Medic Corporal Abram Tiernenn is being awarded with the Medal of Honor. He took out two tanks during the battle, blew another one's cover, and gallantly tended to Corporal Melsto during the heat of battle. Private Sylvester "Sly" Thurmond is being honored with a Purple Heart and a Silver Star. After seeing his fellow private, Virgil Sollozzo, being hit in the hip, he dragged him thirty feet into a dry creek bed, and was then wounded during the charge on the Tedi frontline. Private Virgil Sollozzo is receiving a Purple Heart and a Victory Medal for his work in Rommel. Ordnance Corps Privates Ashleigh Makro, Germel Lipe, and Ruger Sturm are being awarded with Bronze Stars, with the former two being given posthumously. Sturm set up the explosive that began the Rommel Charge, and Makro and Lipe both died during the advance. Private Conker has set a new Army record for being the most decorated soldier in the history of the organization. He is being awarded with a Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Distinguished Flying Cross, Air Force Distinguished Service Medal, and a Victory Medal. Against all odds, he prevailed. He was forced out of his first defilade after killing many Tediz, he heroically manned a single spare Supermarine Spitfire and mowed down most of the first wave and also flinched the second wave. A tank shell eventually shot down his plane, and he bailed out just behind the enemy's back line. He held his station in the woods for a few minutes, and then ran to the bridge where he found Lipe, Makro, and Sturm. He took them to get weapons, and was attacked by Handson. After regrouping to the bridge, he threw the only explosive they had deep into the Tediz's lines, then meritoriously charged the frontline, killing at least five Tediz. He also decimated the Tedi force in T-Day, which he is being awarded another Medal of Honor and Victory Medal, but even this performance cannot top what he did for us in Rommel. He would be promoted immediately to Sergeant Major of the Army, another record for largest jump in military history, but retired to return to his home in Windy to, quote, ".take in all that has happened over the past week." So we decided to promote Sergeant Hagen to the lofty rank. All other soldiers are being promoted two ranks. We commend you, soldiers, for your job well done.

Applause. Shift to living soldiers, highly decorated, with their blue Army uniforms. Fix on Conker as Adagio for Strings fades in. Blackout; credits.

Cast as I would've wanted it:

Conker.Chris Seavor Lieutenant.Bruce Willis Tiernenn.Matt Damon Kernelle.Owen Wilson Meffin.Ja Rule Alva.Hayden Christiansen Handson.Tim McGraw Sarge.Chris Seavor Colonel.Charlie Sheen Hallowell.Alec Baldwin Private.Chris Seavor Doorman.Chris Seavor Melsto.Jimmy Fallon Sly.Ben Stiller Hagen.Luke Wilson Roth.Adam Goldberg Sollozzo.Stanley Tucci Bonasera.Ray Liotta Sturm.Tobey McGuire Lipe.Brad Pitt Makro.Johnny Knoxville Pastor.Gene Hackman Additional Voices.Chris Seavor

Obviously, this is an all-star cast, and would be pretty near impossible to assemble, but hey, a man can dream.