Title: Where Did I Go Wrong?
Chapter Title: " "
Author: Desperate For Attention
Beta Reader: N.A
For: Whoever wants to read my crap
Fandom: Darren Shan - Cirque Du Freak
Pairing: Darren Shan and Steve Leonard
Warning: Really bad spelling, poor Grammar and smut.
Title song: How to save a life – The Fray
Disclaimer: Characters are sole property of the fantastic and ever inspirational Darren Shan
Summary: But his eyes, those beautiful eyes that vibrated with excitement only a few nights before at the sight of me were suddenly repulsed and hateful.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
I had been waiting years for this, waited a lifetime for the very moment in which his eyes would meet mine for the very last time, over a burning cross, stakes, cowering from the sun or pathetic slithers of garlic, what did the cause matter anymore?
All the lonely hours sat alone in the lunchroom or barricaded in my room, every second that almost seemed unworthy of my patience. The times I had thrown my hands up in defeat and tried to be normal like everyone else.
Destiny wouldn't let me to just sit back and let the opportunity pass me by; I was destined for this, everything that had ever happened leading me into this very moment.
The agonizing screams of torture that once filled my head with a ghostly echo of desire were suddenly brought forward to the real word. Those tears and that cursed death sign that I had lusted after as a child filling my very desires and filling some of the gaping hole that he had left that night.
Everything I had spend my nights dreaming about and the fantasises that plagued me throughout the day were now suddenly more exciting, more satisfying and so very, very real.
I caught his eye and for a second I wanted to shout and gloat, spit at him to ridicule and label me now, but I realised that despite everything he had been right in his judgment. I had played into his warped perception of me and it felt so good to be able to throw in his face, the opportunity he had missed the night he had turned me away for Darren of all people.
Perhaps Darren could have been my turning point, my saviour from the paths I had taken. I would have given my life for him back then; all those years ago I would have done anything for him, to ensure that he was happy that he liked me. I didn't know what it was he did to me, but for him I would have made myself be the best Vampire I could have been.
If only he could have seen the saviour of my soul and taken us both.
But to him, Vur Horston or Larten Crepsley, I was nothing but an evil stain upon society that no living Vampire would ever want within their ranks. Yet he couldn't just let it go as simple as that, couldn't have just said no and walked away. He had to rub it in my face why I would never be what I thirsted for, he made me stand and listen to him wretch and hiss that my blood was evil.
That I was evil.
I glanced only briefly to Darren, the fall seemed like such a long time yet I knew that it was only going to take seconds, my mind whirled and I felt dizzy as I turned back to the ginger haired monster again with a sneer. He deserved this; he deserved to die in the most horrific way possible for everything he had done. For taking the only person I had ever cared about and holding him back from coming back to me like I knew Darren would have wanted.
A hole had been punched into my chest the morning my mother came to tell me that Darren had fallen out of the window and broken his neck. I could hardly speak, I just wanted to rush to the Shan's household and see him for myself make sure that he was okay, remind him that he still owed me that coke at school the following Monday.
But it was too late, by the time I had regained the feeling in my legs and my tongue had stopped feeling like led the news had come that he was dead, my heart broke again and this time the painful lump in my throat was eased only by the tears that fell in silent sobs.
I let my mum hug me that day, I didn't push her away and snap. I let her hold me and run her fingers through my hair trying to be helpful in the most useless way possible.
I thought that his death would be the hardest thing I would ever have to face in life, I never would have imagine life getting any worse than it had the minute I saw his headstone propped up out of the ground, his mum and dad holding a weeping Annie. But I had been so wrong, so very wrong. It didn't hurt at all that he had died, because he didn't die did he? It was staged, faked.
What hurt the most was knowing that while I was sat at home on my own, wishing for someone I could talk to, someone I could be myself with and love was out there somewhere still breathing, still walking, laughing and making new friends on his almost immortal travels. Worst of all, with every new step he took and every new face he came into contact with, he was forgetting me. Forgetting us.
Forgetting everything we had built together in the all the years we had been best friends, seems like such a childish word to use now, best friends, buts that's what we were, what we still are. To me anyway, he will always be my friend, always my partner and the one person I would love unconditionally.
Yet now I wouldn't give my life for him, or perhaps I would if it was something that he wanted bad enough. It was hard to say if I would or wouldn't willingly throw myself after the orange haired vampire if Darren asked me with enough venom in his eyes.
The moment came and I felt my heart clench with excitement as Crepsley fell to the spikes, the point driving through his chest like a knife through semi-melted butter. He didn't cry out like I had hoped, he hadn't made a sound at all throughout the descent; it was the viewers that had given me the satisfaction of crying and screaming. Vancha howled painfully and I found myself smirking at the satisfaction of not only hurting the vampire who had caused me so much pain, but the others too, the vampire's around him.
My eyes went to Darren; he hadn't moved from the platform throughout the agonizingly slow plummet, he stood stiffly with his face unreadable and expressionless, not looking at the mess of his mentor below but at me, stunned, unrecognizable. I hated it all of a sudden, the way his mouth was fixed in a straight line and his body stiff with shame. But his eyes, those beautiful eyes that vibrated with excitement only a few nights before at the sight of me were suddenly repulsed and hateful.
Worst of all, they were flooded with hurt, tears had began to form and he seemed to be battling hard with himself not to cry, he'd always been the emotional one out of the two of us, the simplest things would set him off, I supposed it was what made us good for each other.
The breath caught in the back of my throat and I was suddenly consumed with guilt, my smirk fell to a frown and for the first time I looked down at the broken mess of his master and wanted nothing more than to trade places, I wanted to find R.V in that Alley way with Darren, shoot the arrow, save him one last time and move on.
Maybe I would have been happy that way.
My heart wrenched as Darren finally glanced down at the withering mess of his lifeless mentor, his eyes welled up again and for the first time I saw a love that he had never looked at me with before in his eyes, much deeper than a childish friendship. So much longing for the orange haired monster and my heart broke. He didn't care about me anymore, he'd forgotten everything I had ever done and the times we had saved each others necks.
I had been replaced by a vampire and nothing I could do would take back what I had done to Darren's mentor, his friend. I had ruined him, my heart sank, I had wanted revenge on Crepsley, not Darren. I had wanted to hurt him; it was what I had to do now.
But never like this, never had I wanted to break his spirit and spoil all that was good about him. I had wanted to save him, rescue him from the grasps of that evil monster and offer him my hand of friendship, maybe even have the courage to express my true feelings and want more from him.
Darren's eyes came back to mine and I quickly rectified the frown on my face with a proud smirk. Laughing half-heartily hoping that it sounded convincing enough to fool them all with my satisfaction of what had happened here tonight.
I needed to sit down, my head was starting to throb and spin, my legs shook and I felt the urgent need to cross the platform and take Darren into my arms, thread my fingers through his hair like my mother had done all those years ago, whisper that everything was going to alright. That I was there, that I could help him through this and we would be even stronger together than we were apart.
But I knew that he wouldn't want me now, there was nothing that I could do to make him see how sorry I was and I knew that destiny wouldn't let me change the course it had set out for us. I wanted to tell him that it was okay that he wanted cry, I wouldn't tell the others or tease him about it, that this time his tears were worth it.
But there was nothing I could do now, the things that had happened I would never be able to take back and there wasn't enough time in our extended lives that would ever make up for the things I had put him through in the last few seconds.
Before I had a chance, Debbie was nothing, she could be disposed of easily and me and Darren could have been happy but not anymore, I had destroyed any chance of us being anything other than brothers of destiny now.
He hated me.
I couldn't let him go like this, with so much hurt, so much hate in him eyes.
There had to be something I could do, something I could say that would make a little of what I did okay for him. For both of us, perhaps it could save our damaged relationship if I shown some compassion for humanity in the situation.
The word sounded vile at the tip of my tongue, it had been a long time since I had show humanity to anymore even when Human I tried to show as little of it as possible and distanced myself away from it all.
I knew he was a hunter, it was his mission to destroy me and for a brief second my eyes fell upon the stakes half tempted to throw myself over the edge and hope that the same emotions would filled those dead eyes of his as he had watched his mentor fall to his death, maybe even more. Turning back towards Darren I felt a shiver cut across my spine and slither into a half growl.
"I want to tell him," I whispered almost too soft for Gannen to hear. He spluttered for a second, crimson eyes flying wildly between me and the others, hissing how ridiculous I sounded and how much of a risk I was putting on not only myself but everyone else who had tried so hard to conceal my identity.
I wanted—needed to help, to build another bridge in the crumbling ashes of our relationship, even if that meant putting my own neck on the line. I couldn't just walk away from him and not tell him how I felt, how it was me he was hunting, that I was the one he had heard the tales about and gloat just how close he and the others had been to for filling their destiny the last few night.
How easy it would have been for Darren to prevent the death of his mentor.
I cared, I cared so much that it was dangerous and even though I wanted to fix him and bring light back to his eyes I didn't want him to think that I would let it break whatever it was we had to do. I didn't want to spoil the entire game. Darren agreed, glancing to Vancha only momentarily before leaning over, I smirked dropping my mouth to brush across his ear.
A beautiful flush had crept along his throat as he stiffened and groaned lightly against my shoulder, the need to lean closer and lay my head down upon his shoulder increased, an urge to confess a lot more than I initially wanted to almost taking over, pushing it aside I stood almost as stiffly as Darren suddenly nervous and weak.
"It's me," I whispered softly glancing only briefly to Gannen when Darren's arm hitched forward. "I'm the vampaneze lord, Darren." I repeated closing my eyes as I gave in and kissed along his jaw line softly. "I am not sorry for what happened to Crepsley, but for what I did to you. I love you, don't forget that, no matter what. Never forget that I love you."
I nodded and Gannen blew out a breath close to where I had kissed Darren he didn't fight or say anything only watched as Gannen and I pulled back and he fell forward, again I nodded to Gannen this time wanting nothing more than to be as far away from all of this as I could get.