A/N Just something I did in my spare time.


"Hey, I'm Cloud Strife."

"Oh, yeah! Heard a lot about you…you and your sword, that is. It sure is huge. My name is Link."



"That's it?"

"Why? Should it be longer?"

"Well, it's ok, but it makes you a little distant, overly simple. How can the players connect with you? Look at mine. Cloud Strife. Already you know that I have a lot of issues in my life. Then there's Tifa Lockheart, already very romantic. Barret Wallace, similar to William Wallace, so you see how the theme of freedom will be attached to him. Cid Highwind, for those faithful fans who know the connection to the airships, and then Vincent Valentine, so an immense amount of mystery. I mean, what do you got?"


"See? That's what I'm talking about. Your name has no punch, it doesn't grab the average passerby. Probably why your game is titled 'Legend of Zelda'."

"Now wait just one minute here, spike-head. I'll have you know that my fanbase is just as large if not larger than yours."

"True. But I haven't been around as long as you. You got a ten year head start on me and I still caught up in no time."



"I got a twelve year head-start on you. My first game was released in 1986. Your's was 1998."

"I rest my case."

"Don't count your rupees just yet. I have some dirt on you that will send you crying back home to your mother."

"Such as."

"At least I am dependable."

(Random viewer) "Nice."

"Ok, but that was in Advent Children. I kicked butt in FF7."

"You own as much as anyone else. The latter half of the game you're so messed up that Cid had to take over the party for you while Tifa played home nurse. Not to mention you let a team mate die."

"Oh, I just knew you were gonna bring that up! Everyone does! 'Hey Cloud, how do you sleep at night, knowing YA KILLED OFF AREITH!' I get that all the time! And for the record, she ran away, basically painted a red target on her back."

"Refusing to accept responsibility? That sounds familiar."

"I'm gonna hurt you so bad!"

"Do I have to kneel so you can stab me in the back?"

(Tifa from the kitchen) "Keep it down boys! The kids are sleeping."

This was, of course, after they had destroyed half the house in a raging battle. The two heroes were heaving and sweating horribly by the end, neither able to gain the upper hand.

"Look here…Cloud…I think we…kinda got off…the wrong foot."

"Hold that thought…I'm bleeding."

Several bandages latter.

"Sorry about that, Link. When I heard that the legendary hero of Hyrule was coming to visit 7th Heaven I guess my ego was threatened. Hard to compete with the best."

"I understand. The first time I met Mario I tried to give him a bloody nose so I could stand over him and gloat. Didn't quite turn out that way."

"He beat you up, eh?"

"Oh no, I kick him up and down his pipes, but that girlfriend of his…she got her hands on a frying pan and…well, it wasn't pretty."

"In my case, it's others who are trying to get me. I put Final Fantasy on the international map, you could say. So every new game that comes out, they try to 1 up me. Squall was tough and a hardcore loner, Zidane was bold and ready to help no matter what demons he was facing, Tidus was a heckuva nice guy, and now with this new chick, Lightning…"

"Lightning? Isn't that close to Cloud? I mean, lightning comes from clouds."

"Exactly! The top bosses responsible for the game even said she was supposed to be a girl version of me! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?"

"I can imagine."

"But it doesn't stop there. Oh no! She even resembles me. I mean, come on. She's even got a bit of Squall in her since they made her all tough and stuff."

"Yeah, but who got the movie, the anime, not to mention sequels, prequels and guest appearances?"

"Hmm…I suppose."

"Don't worry about those other guys. They'll come, and they'll go. But you made a place for yourself in the history of the games, and no one's gonna take it."

"Hey, thanks. I never thought about it this way. I mean, I can only go up from here. They might make another sequel, and maybe, just maybe, remake FFVII with better graphics and voice-overs!"



"I wouldn't count on the remake."

"Why not?"

"It won't be the same. There are elements in the original that will be lost."

"I'm sorry, but you lost me. By remaking it we'll be adding, not taking anything away."

"Don't be so sure. I'll explain. You see, I don't talk."


"Speaking. I do not speak."

"Are you high? You're talking now."

"That's because this is a fan made fictional event created by some twenty year old dude that has nothing better to do with his time on a Friday night. He decided that I talk. Could you imagine a conversation where all I say is '….' And the other guy has to answer for me?"

"It would be weird."

"But that's exactly how my games are! I don't talk besides a 'yes' or 'no' here and there. I'm virtually mute to the arts of talking in game."

"But the gamers love you."

"Ah ha! You hit it right on the head. The reason they like me is because they are replying for me."

"This is hurting my head. And I think we lost a few fan readers as well."

"Hang in there. Let's say I go to Lon Lon Ranch and the player meets Malon for the first time."


"They decide whether to like her or not. They say 'Hey, I would rather this simple farm girls gets married to Link rather than the princess.' I don't tell them what I think of Malon because I can't talk. The fan decides everything for me. Ok, look at it like this. Do you read your own fanfictions?"

"I'm a fictional character. I don't exist."

"Ok, ok! Anyway you'll notice that most 'relationship' fictions about you are focuses on you dealing with your established emotions and feelings from the game and/or movie. Advent Children starts you're relationship with Tifa, but the fans finish it. As for me, it's about either falling in love or finding love. My relationship with Zelda is not as clear as yours are."

"I knew it!"

"Knew what?"

"That you like Zelda! You could've used a dozen girls as an example, but you chose Zelda."

"Oh please. She's a constant. Not to mention she's a safe name to use."


"What about Ilia? She's written as my childhood friend and possible interest in Twilight Princess. But how do the fans feel about her?"

"Well…how do they?"

"The first fanfiction I found was '100 ways to kill Ilia'."

"Ouch! Poor girl."

"Areith? Her death was tragic, but won her incredible fame. I honestly think more people would rather see you with her than with Tifa."

"But she's dead."

"They can bring her back."

"Besides, doesn't any one see that she's Zack's girl? I thought Crisis Core would've made that plain."

"Hey, that wasn't exactly highlighted in FF7."

"I guess you're right. But you are in the same boat as me. There's some girls that will never get the chance to win your affections."


"Princess Ruto."

Link has a seizure. "Don't ever say that name out loud again, please. She's stalking me, and saying her name is like using a summon."

"Sorry. But you see my point. She's usually the comic relief, if not dinner in most fanfics."

"That's another thing. Fanfics are dangerous."

"Whatever man. You're just jealous that I have waaayyyy more than you do."

"Kingdom hearts gots you there."

"Yeah, but I'm in that two, so technically you should combine the two…"

"Oh, shut up! What I mean is we, you and I, are not properly portrayed. A lot of the times you're a weak slob you can't do any good and I'm a sword swinging idiot! I beat mazes, solve riddles, find clues, figure out how defeat bosses and memorize dungeons. My first and most lethal weapon is my mind!"

"I don't know. Doesn't that fairy help you?"

"Navi. Her name is Navi, and yes she helps me, but not with everything. She might see the dots, so to speak, but I connect them."

Suddenly the front door is swung over, a tall, lean figure tightly dressed enters.

"Link!" The person says. "Ganondorf has escaped!"

"Dammit!" Link cries, getting up. "Don't see the point of banishing that guy if he keeps coming back. Can't we find a better way of taking care of that guy?"

Sheik looked at him sideways. "Then who would you fight in your games time after time?"

"You fight the same villain over and over again?" Cloud asked.

"And you don't?" Link shot back, running after the disguised princess. He turned around and called out. "Nice meeting you! I'll see you around."

Cloud managed to wave before the hero of time vanished into thin air. He then made his way through the mess he and Link had caused during their fight. Tifa was in the living room, drinking coffee.

"How did it go?" She asked.

He sat down next to her. "Not bad. It was weird, like we we breaking copyrights or something. What about that 'Ten hottest' contest you were at? Did you make the cut?"

Tifa shook her head. "I didn't go."

"What? Why not?"

"You know. It's very humiliating. A whole bunch of nerds looking at you, deciding if they want you to be their fantasy girl or not, than rate you based on looks. I don't want to be viewed as a poster girl. I want them to like me for what I am."

"A fake character created by a videogame designer specifically to be a fantasy girl for nerds?"

Tifa sighed deeply. "Just shut up."

"Wait." Cloud said, thinking. "If you didn't go to the competition, where were you?"

Turning red, Tifa got up and headed upstairs. "I'm tired. Goodnight!"

"Hey! Was it Vincent? Just because half of the fanfics pair you up with him doesn't mean you should date him!"

Clouds turns around and points to random reader. "I blame you for this."