Author's Note: I wrote this FF7 fic over the summer while it was very very hot. Waaay too hot. x.x
Sorry that I didn't get to it while it was still in season.
Reno and Rude's air conditioner broke down, and while Rude is out buying another one Reno decides to pay a visit to Elena in order to spare himself the boredom of being stuck at the appliance store. And Elena's not happy with Reno's lack of social graces. He's completely ignorant of his own barbarism most of the time here. XD
Poorly mannered Reno is fun to write. Asking to take a shower? The audacity! Written for some lulz. And despite the title there is no pr0nz it! I hope that you find it enjoyable.
I deleted the original from the site and attempted to fix the formatting. If it's messed up this time you'll just have to deal with the darn underlines and italics and bolds.
Hot and Sweaty
Elena turned the air conditioner up and sipped her ice tea. It was very hot today and she just couldn't stand it. "At least I have the day off," she said to herself. "I can't imagine having to leave that nice cool office because of a mission. With my luck I'd be sent to some place even hotter than this."
Elena felt a little bad thinking of work that way. She knew Tseng would disapprove of her attitude if he knew what she had said. Elena didn't like the thought of Tseng being disappointed in her and quickly turned her thoughts towards something else. Ice cream. She was just about to get it out of the freezer when there was a knock at the door.
"Who could that be?" Elena said, closing the freezer door.
Checking through the peephole Elena saw red. "Oh no...," she muttered. "I must be in hell. That would explain the heat."
"I know you're home!" Reno called out. "Lemme in. This hallway is a sauna."
"Why should I?" Elena replied.
"Because it's the neighborly thing to do."
"We're not neighbors Reno. We don't even live in the same building."
"Then it's the friendly thing to do!" Reno beamed.
Elena laughed. "Who said I wanted to be friends with you?"
"Aww c'mon, you know you love me," the red head insisted. "Plus we're co-workers. So it's also the co-workerly thing to do."
Elena sighed. If she didn't let Reno in then he'd just cause a scene until she opened the door. And it was hot out there in the hall. Elena had noticed it right away when she had went out to get the mail earlier. "What am I getting myself into?" she muttered, begrudgingly opening the door.
"Thanks babe!" Reno said, stepping in to her apartment. He looked like wilted red fern.
"You're welcome. I guess." Elena sighed.
Reno went over to the couch and sat down. He picked up the remote control and started flipping through channels.
"Sit down, why don't you," Elena said through clenched teeth, annoyed at his complete lack of social graces. "How about some TV?"
"Nah," Reno said, putting down the remote control. There's nothing on. You should really upgrade your service and get some better channels."
"I like the channels that I already get, " Elena replied, trying not to sound too irate and failing miserably.
"Anyway, why are you here? Where's Rude?"
"At the appliance store. The air conditioner died."
"Well why aren't you with him?"
" 'Cause I don't feel like it," Reno answered. "Too boring."
"Well why not just hang out at the mall for awhile?"
"I'd rather hang out with you," Reno said, grinning.
Elena sighed, frustrated. Now she was stuck with Reno because of a stupid broken air conditioner. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather be with Rude?" She asked again, hoping to get lucky and get rid of Reno.
"Nah," the red head answered. "He's no fun when he's shopping for stuff like that. And he keeps telling me not to bug him. So I figure I'll just hang out here until the new air conditioner is running and it's nice and cool in there."
"How convenient...," Elena thought to herself.
"It's nice an' cool in here. Is that an Icicle Elite 5000?" Reno asked, glancing at Elena's air conditioner.
"Yeah. It came with the apartment."
"Rude says he's getting one of those even though it's expensive," the red head replied.
"Well it cools off the whole place pretty fast," Elena said. "So I guess you'll be able to go home before you know it. Back to your nice cool apartment."
Reno ran his hands through his still damp, spiky red hair. "I'm still kinda sweaty."
"And my couch is beige," Elena thought, hoping that the copious amount of gel in his hair wouldn't stain her furniture.
"Can I take a shower?" Reno asked suddenly.
"What?" Elena exclaimed, flabbergasted. "What the hell is he trying to pull now?" she thought.
"I'm all hot and sweaty Elena. I musta leaked a gallon on the way over."
"Drink some water then," Elena answered. There was no way she was going to let Reno use her shower. It was just like him to ask something like this so she should not have been so surprised. In the end it was the sheer audacity that got to her. Reno had no manners at all. Infact, now that she thought of it, she was surprised that he didn't just walk into her bathroom, strip and turn the water on without even asking.
"C'mon Elena," Reno whined. "It's like 98 degrees out there. I'd let you take a shower if the situation were reversed. I'd even help you soap up babe," he added slyly with a wink.
Elena was ready to lunge at him but decided against it. If she let him shower at least he'd be out of her hair for a bit. Although she wasn't anticipating the mess that he'd obviously make. Elena winced when she imagined the wet towels and spilled soap. "Fine," she sighed. "Go ahead. But you better not try anything perverted."
"Don't worry babe. I'll behave," the redhead answered, sticking out his tongue.
"Sure you will..."
"Aww you don't believe me Elena? That hurts...," Reno said, pretending to be offended.
Elena rolled her eyes. Just go already. And don't make a mess. I just cleaned up in there."
" 'Kay, no problem Elena. I'll treat this bathroom as if it were my own," the red head promised, heading for the door.
"That's what I'm afraid of...," Elena sighed.
"No peeping!" Reno said before shutting the door. "Although I dunno how you could resist."
"Don't worry...," Elena muttered. "I can."
As soon as Elena heard the bathroom door close and the water turn on she got her ice cream out of the freezer and filled up a good sized bowl. "I'll worry about the calories later. I've earned a bowl this big," she said, sitting down on the couch and turning on 'Who Wants to be a Gillionaire'.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, Reno was opening up Elena's cabinets and looking through her stuff. With the shower running she couldn't hear what he was doing.
"Hmm... so Elena uses Esuna brand tampons. Her birthday is coming up. I'll hafta remember that," the red head said thoughtfully, glancing at the package. "Now what kinda soap do we have here.... Strawberries and cream?" Reno opened up the bottle of body wash and inhaled the scent. "Smells like candy," he mused, tasting it. "Yuck! Tastes like soap! What's the point of making soap that smells like candy if it tastes like soap?"
He then turned his attention to the shampoo. "Peach Dream," he said, reading the label out loud. "What's with chicks and food scented stuff that you can't eat? Oh well. Better get in the shower."
Elena was still watching 'Who Wants to be a Gillionaire. Someone had just choked at the one thousand gil mark and Elena couldn't believe it. "How could she not know the answer was gysahl greens?. It was so obvious! I should be on this show. I'd win a million for sure."
Her thoughts were suddenly disrupted by the sound of Reno singing "The Humpty Dance".
"Oh my god! How can he sing that in my shower?" Elena cried. "That's right... Because he knows I'm listening. Bastard..."
Elena had had enough. Reno had been in there for fifteen minutes and she feared the worst. Everything from wet towels all over the floor to Reno jacking off in her shower stall came to mind. "If he's not out in one more minute I'm calling Rude."
And just then the water turned off and Elena breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god," she said before suddenly realizing a horrifying possibility. "What if he bursts out of there naked?"
She went into the kitchen and put her bowl in the sink, trying not to think about it. Minutes passed that seemed like hours. "What the hell is he doing in there?"
Elena was about to arm herself with a nutcracker as a means to chase a naked Reno back into the bathroom when the door opened. Reno emerged fully clothed. Elena breathed a sigh of relief.
"Ah that really hit the spot!" Reno exclaimed, messing with his damp hair which he had just finished gelling. "Got anything good to eat?" He added, walking into the kitchen and opening up the refrigerator.
Elena sighed. "The audacity!" she thought.
"Veggies, yogurt, lowfat milk, diet soda? Damn Elena, live a little."
"I happen to enjoy eating like that," Elena responded, more annoyed than ever. "You know, you really shouldn't just start rummaging through a person's-"
"Hey is that ice cream?" Reno interrupted, looking in Elena's freezer. "Awesome!"
He took out the container and opened the lid. "Mind if I use this bowl" he asked, pointing to the one Elena had put in the sink.
"As long as you wash it, go ahead."
"Well I wasn't gonna bother washing it but whatever," Reno replied, hastily running the bowl under some water.
Elena was completely grossed out by this. "Does he normally reuse dirty dishes like that?" She thought. "What a lazy slob."
Meanwhile, Reno was piling ice cream into is bowl. Not even bothering to put the ice cream back into the freezer, he made his way over to the couch and started flipping through the channels again as he spooned ice cream into his mouth. Elena put the box back herself, clenching her fists in aggravation.
"Got anything good to drink?" Reno asked.
"Well you were just in my refrigerator Reno. Didn't you see anything that you'd like?" It was getting really hard for Elena to keep her cool.
"Nah," Reno answered. "That's why I asked if you had anything good."
Elena was ready to explode. But if she started arguing with Reno then he would begin intentionally pushing her buttons rather than just being an ignorant, bad mannered houseguest. So she tried to sound polite for civility's sake. "I have some diet Dr. Mog. Would you like some?"
"Diet soda?" Reno said. "Don't you have the real stuff?"
"It is real Reno," Elena replied, clenching her fists again. "Real cans of real soda."
"I'm not much for Dr. Mog. Rude likes it though. Got any Chocobo Cola?"
"Take it or leave it," Elena said through clenched teeth. She didn't know how much more of it she could take. How Rude managed to put up with this on a daily basis she'd never know.
" 'Kay. I'll take it."
"Alrighty then...," Elena said. Her voice was menacing but Reno was too busy watching TV to notice. She got a can of soda out of the refrigerator and brought it over to Reno. "Here you go."
"Thanks babe," the redhead replied, grinning. he had already finished his colossal portion of ice cream and had set the bowl down on the couch next to him.
"At least it's vanilla," Elena thought, picking up the bowl and taking it into the kitchen. This time she washed it thoroughly and put it away.
Meanwhile, Reno was flipping through channels. He had guzzled the rest of his soda down and asked Elena to get another one. She brought him another can, clenching her teeth as she handed it to him.
"Thanks babe," Reno said.
"You're welcome," Elena sighed, sitting down on the couch. "Anything good on?"
"Nope. Just a buncha talk shows, game shows, cartoons. But no really good ones."
"Well why don't you call Rude and see if he's finished yet?" Elena suggested, hoping that he was so she could finally get rid of Reno.
"No, that's alright. He said he'd come by to pick me up later."
Elena scowled. "Great," Elena thought. "It's like I'm babysitting..."
"I'm hungry," the red head said suddenly.
"You just had ice cream."
"I didn't really have breakfast," Reno responded. "It got so hot in there without the air conditioner that I just couldn't eat."
Elena actually felt bad for him. He and Rude must have had a very uncomfortable morning. She figured that she might as well be polite and offer him something nice for lunch. Maybe it would help make things more bearable. But before she could say anything Reno chimed in.
"Got any Doritos?"
"No," the blonde said. "I don't eat Doritos. I have rice cakes though. Want some?"
"No way," Reno said. "Those things taste like cardboard!"
"They're good if you put something on them."
"But you still gotta eat the cardboard part," Reno insisted.
"Fine... How about some fruit?" Elena offered.
"Fruit? No frozen burritos or anything?
"I've got melon," the blonde said. "It's good for you. Besides, I know you like fruit. And no I don't have any frozen burritos."
"Well ok then," Reno relented. "I guess that sounds good."
Elena went into the kitchen and got a bowl of cut melon from the refrigerator. She placed it on the table and got some plates. As an afterthought she got another can of diet Dr. Mog and put that on the table as well. Elena decided that she'd just have a bottle of water. Remembering the ice cream bowl that was casually left on her couch Elena decided that Reno had to eat at the table. "Reno," she began, "If you want to eat please come in the kitchen."
"Fine...," Reno said, annoyed that he had to pull himself away from the channels that he was still flipping through. He came into the kitchen and say down, slouching in his chair. Elena put some melon on his plate and added a few vanilla cookies and a low fat pudding cup.
"There you go Reno."
"Thanks Elena. I appreciate it," Reno answered, dipping a cookie into his pudding. "I'm so hungry."
"Do you want anything else? If you do just tell me ok?"
"This is fine for now, Elena," Reno said, eating a piece of melon. "It's pretty good."
Elena was surprised at how grateful Reno was being. And his table manners weren't too bad either. "Maybe I was wrong about him," she thought. "He's not that barbaric."
Then Reno did something that shattered that notion. He opened his third can of diet Dr. Mog and sucked down nearly half of it in one giant gulp. He then let out a loud burp.
"Eww Reno!" Elena shouted. "Why did you have to go and do that?"
"Because I had to burp," Reno said casually.
"Well no, I guess not...," the red head answered. "Sorry Elena."
Elena sighed. "Well don't do it again."
"But it sounded so cool!"
"So I'm supposed to be impressed by your burping skills? Is that like your mating call or something?" Elena asked.
"Hey if you got talent use it. And yeah, some girls think it's pretty cool." Reno boasted proudly.
"Well I think it's gross."
Reno just stuck his tongue out and then proceeded to finish his food. Elena was relieved that he didn't burp again after he had guzzled down the rest of his soda.
"Why did he have to go and ruin a peaceful moment like that?" Elena thought, finishing her melon and clearing the plates.
"I gotta take a leak," Reno said suddenly.
"Remember to flush,"
"I will, I will," the red head replied, walking into the bathroom.
To Elena's relief she heard a flush. However she did not hear the sink running. "Wash your hands!" she shouted from the kitchen.
"Yes mommy!" Reno called back. He washed his hands quickly with melon scented soap.
When he came out of the bathroom Elena had just finished clearing the table off and washing all of the dishes.
"Do you want another soda?" she asked.
"Nah I'm ok. Let's watch TV."
Elena sat down next to Reno on the couch once more. He turned on Sol Watch and was oogling at the bikini clad female lifeguards. "Man, check out the boobs on that one. Isn't that an awesome rack?"
Elena sighed. Reno had been here for more than an hour now. "Reno," she began. "Why don't you check up on Rude?"
"He said he'd come by" the red head responded. "Don't worry about Rude. I'm sure he's fine. He's just not having as much fun as me."
"Yeah, we sure are having alot of fun...," Elena said sarcastically.
"Yup!" The red head responded cheerfully, oblivious to her sarcasm.
Just then there was a knock at the door.
"Thank god!" Elena thought, getting up to answer it. "That must be Rude," she added aloud. And much to her relief she was right. Elena opened the door and let Rude in. "I'm glad you're here," she said quietly.
Rude nodded. "Don't worry," he whispered. "I'll get him out of your hair."
"What are you two whispering about?" The red head asked slyly. "Got somethin' hot goin' on?"
"Reno let's go...," Rude said. "I'm sure Elena would like a break."
"But we're having so much fun Rude!"
"I think I've had enough fun for today Reno," Elena said. "Why don't you go home to your nice cool apartment now."
"It's all set up red," Rude said.
"Well ok..." Reno replied. "Hey Elena?"
The red head smiled fondly. "Thanks alot. That was real nice of you."
Elena smiled back. "You're welcome Reno."
Elena said goodbye to them and shut the door. "Finally!" She said to herself. "Although I guess overall he wasn't that bad. Not that I miss him or anything. Anyway, I better go get the mop. I bet that bathroom is a mess."