Edward on Top…er, "TOP STORY"
On the Semeopolis networks Ed is confronted by a trio of raving women—Winry, Rose and Noa—and defended by his mom and his teacher—over the issue of Seme/Uke marriages.
"And you know the rules in Manga and Anime: "The hero must either harbor deep, unacknowledged yearning for his tomboy best friend—" which means ME, you selfish little prick! –"or fall helplessly in love with the first female character he meets in the first episode or issue"
"I am SO f**kin' out of here!
Dedicated again to the amazing talent of Nochick_Fics—thanks for letting me play in your world!
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Laytner: Good evening! I'm Dee Laytner—
McLane:---And I'm Ryo McLane—
Laytner:—And welcome to another edition of Top Story---where we get to the bottom of today's most vital issues, probing deep into the backdoor---er, backstory—to bring the truth to SUX News viewers.
McLane: Thanks, Dee--
Laytner::—no problem, Ryo! And speaking of probing deep, it's Erection time in Semeopolis, and the whole issue of Proposition 69 just won't go away. SUX News has been covering the rise of the Cannonista Party since it's inception about five seasons ago. The Cannonistas, an independent party with alleged ties to heterosexuality—"
McLane:—and it has become apparent that the Cannonistas have been slowly rooting in the backdoor—I mean, rooting in the background—and are proposing some rather startling changes that could challenge the fabric of Semeopolitan life as we know it. Let's look at the tape…
(cue sound bite of Hettie Cannon)
"Think of it as unnecessary government intervention in the private sector. An uke who is dominated by his seme will have to unravel a lifetime's worth of red tape in order to free himself from legal marriage. And semes—do you really want to be chained down to a lifetime of one boring little stay-at-home househusband? And let us not forget the definition of marriage: the union of a man and a woman for the purpose of rearing a family. Surely you boys have grasped that, short of alien tentacle rape or one of Mr Elric's unfortunate human transmutation escapades, that men cannot bear children. Since Semeopolitians have clearly indicated their reluctance at being impelled to remain in undesired partnerships—and that child-rearing is clearly not the focused desire in most Semeopolitan partnerships—that passing legislation authorizing legal Seme-Uke marriage is simply a waste of the taxpayer's money, and will lead to the collapse of Yaoidom as you know it."
Laytner: Joining us tonight in the HOT SEAT on the Top is State Alchemist and hero of the people, Edward Elric!
Elric: ::waves:: Hey!
McLane: Joining us from the Bottom are Winry Rockbell—
Winry: ::waves frantically:: EDWARD!!
McLane: --Noa Romani—
Noa:::waves frantically:: EDWARD!!
Elric: What the fuck???
Maclane: --Rose Thomas, former Holy Mother of Liore—
Elric: Goddamn it--!!
Rose: ::waves frantically:: EDWARD!!!
Elric:I am SO fuckin' out of here!
Laytner: Top Story will continue after this word from our sponsor…
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Laytner: We're back—
Winry: (clawing at Noa's hair) I saw him first—
Noa: He was naked in bed, Winry! And I leaned down and—
Elric: --and you RAPED my mind, you crazy bitch! Don't you understand?? Al and I were using you to get the hell out of Nazi Germany. Jeeze, you think I could trust you after you sucked up all my memories—
Winry and Rose: "SHE SUCKED YOU??" "I'LL FUCKIN' KILL THAT BITCH!!"
(offcamera MUSTANG: "You'll kill her?? I'll kill ED!")
Elric: N-no! No, goddamn it! That's not what I mean! What the hell is the matter with you, Winry? You were my best friend!"
Winry: (sobbing)That's right, Ed! And you know the rules in Manga and Anime: "The hero must either harbor deep, unacknowledged yearning for his tomboy best friend—" which means ME, you selfish little prick! –"or fall helplessly in love with the first female character he meets in the first episode or issue"
Rose: --and that would be ME, in both the Anime and Manga, giving me favored status—
Noa: Not in the movie! He rescued me! He held my hand. He stood up for me!
Elric: AND YOU DANCED ON ALFON'S GRAVE! Got him killed—got my father killed by telling those Thule losers how to use alchemy—then you danced on my Liebermench's grave! Not to mention you gave my brother his first blowjob—do you have any idea how much I had to spend to pay for his therapy afterwards??
Winry: Edward, be reasonable! Just think—you and I could settle down in a cozy house in Risembool and have a house full of beautiful, brilliant blonde babies and I'd make you a warm apple pie every day…
Edward: (aghast) You're….so…sick, Winry. Seriously. I think you conked yourself in the head one time too many. I grew up with you. Yeah, I care, but I hate to break it to you, the only thing hard on my body when I'm around you is my automail. Period. End of story. You wanna fuck up a lifetime of friendship? Keep talkin'.
Rose: Dante said you loved me, Edward. You blushed when I danced with you!
Elric: I blushed with I accidentally grabbed Psiren's boob, too. I mean, it was embarrassing! You went from kissing the priest's ass in hopes of getting your dead lover back to hitting on me and wanting me to sacrifice my brother! You let Cornello use you, you let Dante use you. Try thinking for yourself. Rose.
McLane: Hold that thought, Ed---we've got two surprise guests coming in, live from the Gateway—Ms. Tricia Elric and Ms. Izumi Curtis! Ladies—care to weigh in on the issue?
Tricia: Darling, are you happy with Roy?
Elric: He can be a real jack-off sometimes…but yeah, Mom. It's good. Damned good.
Tricia: That's all that matters, sweetheart. I love you, my little man…
Elric: Love you too, Mom!
Izumi: All right, then. If he gives you any shit, kick him in the nuts.
Elric: Thanks, Teacher! ::narrows eyes:: Okay, ladies—you've made collective asses of yourselves. Hope you're satisfied. Winry? We're gonna forget this ever happened—
Winry: But ED! You made me promise to make you an apple pie and keep it warm for you—
Elric: --'cause I was HUNGRY—and cold, soggy apple pie tastes like shit. Like I said, you're gonna forget you made a tool of yourself and go back to being my sister.
Elric: --you are going into therapy for even considering letting Dante use your baby to open the Gate. Pull that crap again and I'm calling Child Services. Or better yet, I'll ask Pinako to put you in line.
Noa: ::opens mouth to speak::
Elric: Not one word out of you. Verstande?
Laytner: Edward—any last words?
Elric: ::facing the camera:: Yeah, damn it. Mustang? You're an insufferable prick—but you're my insufferable prick. I know you don't want to marry me. I heard you tell Ambassador Von Kriest. But even so—if we DID wanna do it, I don't want that right taken away from me. I know Nuriko wants to marry Hotohori—and Wolfram and Yuri are already picking out their china…and Spike Siegel emailed last night—as soon as Prop 69 is defeated he and Jet are throwing a bash at the Fountain. I dunno who the fuck this Hettie Cannon thinks she is, but there's plenty of cheap real estate in Hetopia. This is OUR country. She can't buy her way into changing our government. And I bet the ladies in Yuridelphia would say the same thing—Ryo, you oughta call Hawkeye and Olivier and ask them, for fuck's sake!
But listen—and I mean you, Yagami!—writing names in some mouldy old piece of Shinigami butt wipe isn't gonna solve the problem. It's up to US—the men of Semeopolis—to make this a world worth living in. If we wanna marry, we'll do it. If we don't, we won't. But we demand the right to choose.
McLane: Thank you, Ed. And any last words to Hettie Cannon?
Elric: ::grins satanically:: Cannon , you say? I got one thing to say about "cannons"—let's whip it out and see whose is bigger…::clap::
McLane and Laytner: ED! NO! WHAT THE—
(end of transmission)
….TO BE CONTINUED….