Disclaimer: I don't Community. I'm not making any money from this. Bummer.
A/N: It's late, I'm avoiding doing work for the job that I actually get a paycheck for, and this is unbeta-ed. But enjoy!
"You know, I'm really glad that Senor Chang is back together with his wife, mostly because it means he isn't burying us with work anymore…" Britta's voice trailed off. "But I can't say I'm too stoked about him bringing her to class and tonguing her in the middle of our lessons."
The students of Spanish 101 filtered out into the hallways, leaving their teacher and his wife alone.
"I think it's kind of romantic," Annie said, clasping her hands in front of her and giving the group a wistful smile.
"Nothing with that much tongue can be considered romantic," she countered.
"Apparently you've never seen la Seducción del Burro performed in Tijuana," Pierce noted.
"I regret that I've learned just enough Spanish to know what 'el burro' is," Shirley replied, looking pained.
Troy shook his head.
"Britta's right. That was not romantic. PDA is only cool when it involves two hot, slutty ladies," he proclaimed.
Jeff looked up from his cell phone to join the conversation.
"Look, as far as I'm concerned they can celebrate Mexican Halloween right there on his desk as long as we don't get any more twenty-page papers."
"Oh!" Annie exclaimed. "Speaking of papers, Jeff, when is your paper on 'Taking Advantage of the Emotionally Vulnerable' due?"
"Chang wants me to email it to him by midnight tonight. Although he made sure to tell me that he wouldn't be reading it until the following morning because of, and I quote, 'All of the sweet loving I'll be delivering to Senora Chang when we dance the horizontal tango,'" Jeff relayed.
The entire group let out a chorus of groans, except for Pierce, who had just butt-dialed his mother and was trying to figure out how to end the call.
"Well, I can help this evening after my student government meeting," Annie said once she'd recovered.
She turned to Shirley, who stood beside her.
"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. My son has a science project, and if I'm not there to help him create a baking soda volcano, I might not have a house to go home to."
She shrugged apologetically. Annie nodded and turned to Abed.
"Troy and I have to condition Fivel to recognize another song this evening. We're thinking 'A Whole New World.' You know, to keep with the Disney theme," Abed explained.
"Another duet," Troy muttered to no one in particular.
"Britta?" Annie prompted.
"I really don't think you guys will want me there," Britta hedged. "My Spanish is the worst of anyone's here."
"Plus, don't you have a date with that guy from your business class?" Abed asked.
Britta squeezed her eyes shut and muttered something unintelligible. When she opened her eyes, she adopted her best remorseful expression.
"I do. But really, I wouldn't be of any help to you, Jeff."
Jeff sighed deeply.
"What hurts isn't that you have a date, or even that you don't want to help me Britta. What really hurts is that you were lying to me," Jeff intimated, pressing his open palm over the part of his chest that contained his heart.
Britta rolled her eyes.
"Pierce?" Annie asked.
Jeff's eyes widened and he furiously shook his head.
"What?" Annie asked, clueless.
Jeff placed a hand on her shoulder and lowered his voice.
"Annie, the last time Pierce 'helped' me with a Spanish project, we wound up performing a thirty minute epic that ended with pyrotechnics."
"Oh, right" Annie responded.
Fortunately Pierce was still distracted by his mother and, as he had abandoned his earnoculars, failed to hear them. It was at this moment that Dean Pelton approached.
"Is Senor Chang still in there? The ethics board just has a couple of minor questions having to do with his behavior as of late. Specifically his complete disregard for human dignity."
His eyes widened and he held up his index finger indicating that they should all pause.
"Oops! That was confidential. There's no reason anyone needs to find about this, right? You all can keep a secret. Especially you, Mister Winger? Maybe?"
He took a step toward Jeff and continued in a stage whisper.
"Because I have secrets. Secrets that we could explore. Together. Or not. You know what, I'm on official business and I should probably hop to it," he concluded at normal volume.
"Dean, I wouldn't go—" she began.
"Britta, please!" Jeff interjected. "The Dean is on official college business, this being a respectable institution of higher learning and not at all a holding cell for crazies and misfits."
Britta shot Jeff a warning look, but Dean Pelton beamed. When Jeff cracked the classroom door open for him, he nearly swooned.
"And he's a gentleman too!" he cried.
The door swung shut behind him and Jeff held up one, two, three fingers in a countdown before they heard sounds of life from within the classroom.
"Oh dear lord! It's just like la Seducción del Burro!" Dean Pelton screamed.
Everybody cringed, including Pierce, who had finally managed to end his call by removing the cell battery. The moment passed and everyone stared expectantly at the door, but the Dean did not reemerge.
"Is he coming out?" Pierce asked, finally.
Jeff squinted and tilted his head to the side. He seemed to be fighting with himself.
"No, too easy," he muttered, shaking his head.
"I don't think so, Pierce," Britta supplied.
The gang started down the hallway when Abed began to hum.
"Abed, what are you humming?" Shirley asked.
"Our opening theme," he replied matter-of-factly.
He continued walking, while the rest of the group froze for a split second, then sped up their pace to catch up.
"You made us a theme song?" Britta asked.
"It's not really a song so much as a short musical interlude," Abed corrected.
"Of course," Jeff replied.
"I see our show as a half-hour comedy, which means only twenty-two minutes of show time when you factor in commercials," Abed continued.
"Which you must," Jeff concurred, nodding sagely.
"So I figured that our opening credits should be much shorter than normal to preserve as much story time as possible. Besides, the invention of digital recording devices means that most people fast-forward through the opening credits anyways."
"I'd like to fast-forward through this conversation," Pierce mumbled.
"Pierce, stop trying to be Jeff!" Annie snapped.
"Actually, maybe the credits would come now."
End Notes: To be continued!
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