This is what happens when I get bored after just seeing New Moon.
I'm about to save you two hours of your life and nine dollars of your money.
This is basically what happens in the new Twilight movie.
If you must do anything, please read the book.
Skip the movie.
Bash me all you want, I don't care.
This is simply for pure fun
Charlie: Happy birthday Bella!
Bella: I thought I said no presents. God, my birthday is so depressing. It means I'm getting older. Which means I'll be old. Which means Edward won't love me. Which means it is now time for me to constantly think about death at the age of eighteen.
Charlie: My present isn't wrapped! So it doesn't count as a present! (actual dialogue from movie)
Bella gets a camera from her father and a photo album from her mother. To fill up with pictures of Edward, I mean, her friends.
Who totally exist by the way.
*School parking lot*
Edward: *Enter scene coming out of some kick ass car in slow motion*
Bella: My heart is complete.
Edward: I believe it is time we kiss now.
*Unwanted kiss scene go*
Jacob: Oh hey guys!
Bella: I'm going to go talk to Jacob now about my birthday and how much it sucks.
*Bella does so*
Edward: Oh damn. Bella's not allowed to have friends, excuse me while I angst in the backround and not move at all for a whole five minutes.
Blah blah blah.
Alice: Hey Bella! I got you a present!
Bella: My birthday sucks.
Alice: Come to my house for a birthday party that we decided to plan for some reason.
Bella: Even though I hate my birthday and it sucks, I shall agree.
Now we see our two lovebirds sitting in the back of some class, watching Romeo and Juliet.
Edward: I almost killed myself because of you Bella. I seriously thought about what I was going to do if you died…..and that's killing myself.
Bella: Suicide is so obviously romantic.
Teacher: Cullen, please repeat the last lines of the Romeo and Juliet movie.
*All children in room turn to stare at him*
Edward: Good thing I have had 100 years of practice to do so.
*Repeats lines perfectly perfect*
Random girl: *SWOOOOOONNNNNN*
School happens and passes.
We now found ourselves at the Cullen household for Bella's birthday party.
Emmet: Dude bro, dude dude Bella happy bro dude awesome birthday dude!
Jasper: *UNEXPLAINED STARING ANGST*
Alice: Oh Bella! You're so pretty!
Esme: I do not talk.
Bella: Excuse me while I unwrap this gift….
Oh shoot, a paper cut.
Jasper: THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A PAPER CUT.
Edward: Get out of the way Bella!
The following scene depicts Edward throwing Bella to the side, right into some glass table thing. He blocks Jasper from attacking his beloved and throws him into a piano.
The piano regrets nothing.
Alice: Stop it Jasper! Stop it right now! It's just a little…..blood.
Bella's arm is now completely cut and covered in blood.
Carlisle: Everybody, awkwardly leave.
I got this.
I'm a doctor.
The Cullens obey and leave Carlisle to tend to Bella's wounds.
He does so. Edward drives her home.
Bella: Edward, you're not going to love me when I'm old.
Edward: Do you have no idea how much you mean to me?
Bella: It's my birthday…..kiss me.
*Another unwanted kiss scene*
Bella: Edward, you always look disgusted when you kiss me.
Edward: My face is just like that.
Edward leaves in the darkness.
The Cullens don't show up at school for a while. Bella is slightly sad.
Luckily, when she shows up at her house one day Edward is waiting for her and leads her into the woods.
Edward: To show how much I care for you, I am going to leave.
Bella: *Unnecessary deep raspy breaths of sorrow*
Edward: I am sorry. I don't deserve you. It's not you, it's me. Goodbye.
Edward leaves, leaving Bella to wallow in her teenage despair.
Then for some reason, she decides to wander around in the forest.
Bella: Edward. Edward…..Edward….Edward…..Edward….
He was my only true love. A year obviously feels like an eternity. I'm now going to go into a fetal position and get taken out of the woods by some giant wolf.
The written material above indeed happens.
For the next half hour we see Bella sitting alone in her room, looking out a window as months past by. She obviously is depressed and has dreams that somehow cause her to sound like she's delivering an early demon-spawn baby. Her father begins to worry, so Bella says she's just fine and decides to go out and see a movie with her "friend" Jessica.
Jessica: Oh my gawd, zombies, shopping, girls shop. Not all girls shop. Oh my gawd, I'm so deep.
Bella: I think I know those guys at that random motorcycle bar.
Jessica: That's great Bella, let's just go.
*Bella walks down to where some random biker guy is calling her to come over to*
Jessica: Being a friend, I shall not interfere.
Edward's floating upper body: Bella no, don't do it.
Bella: Why am I seeing you? I better get on this bike now.
Bella gets on the back of the dude's bike and takes fast ride with him. Visions of Edward keep appearing in her mind.
She discovers that when she does random, crazy crap, she sees Edward. Thus, this makes her continue to do random, crazy crap.
For the next hour she begins to develop an even closer bond with Jacob Black after he agrees to fix up some bikes for her.
The most important thing that happens during that period is:
Quil: I have arrived.
Moving on, Jacob fixes up the bike for Bella and she, of course, does stupid crap on it to see her lovely Edward.
Jacob: Bella! What?! You just crashed!
Bella: I'm sure it's not that bad….
Jacob: You have a gash in your forehead :l
Bella: *continues to bleed from forehead*
Jacob: Just let me take my shirt off to fix your wound.
*Jacob removes shirt to reveal buffness and tends Bella's wounds*
Bella: You're so….beautiful…
Jacob: Wow, that was very out of character Bella.
Nothing important happens in the next 30 minutes.
Movingon….movingon….oh! The werewolf pack kills Laurent for messing with the precious Bella. Bella discovers Jacob is a werewolf and is part of Sam's pack.
She then jumps off a damn cliff into some body of water to see Edward for some reason.
In the water she sees Edward floating past her.
Jacob saves her.
He takes her back home, where they almost kiss, but something stupid happens that I cannot remember. Bella sees one of the Cullen's cars, gets excited, abandons all previous feelings for Jacob, and runs in her house despite Jacob's warning that there is a vampire present.
Bella: *Enters house*
Bella: Oh my gosh! Holy crow! Alice!
Alice: Edward thinks your dead!
Alice: He's going to kill himself. Blah blah, Volturi blah blah. He's going to Italy!
Bella: We have to get to Italy!
Jacob: Bella, don't go!
Alice: Stupid mutt.
Bella: No, I have to go.
Jacob: Please Bella, I'm begging you! Don't leave!
Bella: …..this is EDWARD we're talking about.
Bella goes to Italy with Alice. Edward is going to expose himself (no, this doesn't involve his penis, so shut up) to humans because that is apparently very bad and bad things will definitely happen.
Bella gets there right in time and stops him.
Two guys from the Volturi, Demetri (attractive blonde guy) and…theotherone show up with the little devil, I mean, Jane and take Edward and Bella to some giant room where Aro, Caius, and the one who looks kind of like the Lion Aslan are all seated in fancy chairs, showing they are super important.
Edward: You're more creepy than you need to be.
Aro: Let's beat Edward.
*Edward is beaten*
Bella: OH MY GOD, PLEASE NO! KILL ME! MY SOUL DOES NOT MATTER!!!111!!!
Better yet, turn ME into a vampire!
Aro: She wants to sacrafice herself for someone like us? She's so super special. Let's let them leave and have a creepy mass-human sacrafice…thing.
And so, everything written above happens.
Bella wakes up in her room, with Edward at her side, watching her sleep like the demon from Paranormal Activity.
They go to the Cullen's house to vote on whether or not Bella should be turned into a vampire.
Emmet: Dude bro! Hell yes man dude woman!
Rosalie: No :l
Jasper: It would be nice to not want to kill you….
Edward: *Insert wangst here*
Bella: Edward, shut up.
Edward, Jacob, and Bella have a random confrontation in the woods. Edward is trying to be kind and gentle with Jacob, but it just pisses him off. He turns into a wolf and attacks Edward. Bella stands in between them, which causes Jacob to leave in utter defeat.
Edward: Bella, I will turn you into a vampire on one condition….
You must marry me….
Moral of this story:
Kill yourself if the person you love leaves you.