Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-six
AN: Part of this chapter, the disturbing part anyway came about as a conversation I had with Mrs. Aggett. This is straight from my own life and not something I really wanted to remember and yet I did. I was afraid it might be too much for some of you, so I asked OCDJen to give it a once over just to make sure. Although if you have actually gotten this far, it shouldn't be too much.
Guess what? OCDJen recommended this fic on Twislash Unveiled. I've gotten many new readers from it, as well as some new readers for this and my other slash fic from a few of you guys out there. So, I want to say thank you to all of you, even if I don't know all your names.
Characters belong to SM
The most pressing thing right now was I needed to be clean, now. Untying the hospital gown and stepping out of my underwear first I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I avoided looking at my arms and my thighs as I knew that all I'd find there were self-inflicted scars. My eyes traveled down my torso to my lower abdomen, right where that fucking monster had carved a J into my skin, claiming me as his. My entire body shuddered with disgust, either at what he'd done or that he'd left his mark, I didn't know, probably both.
Tracing the J with my finger it hit me that Edward's abdomen should have a matching one, along with several other scars that man had placed on my Edward's body. My Edward? Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you? Wasn't it you thinking you weren't ready for him, to be in a relationship with him? Fucking hell. Could you please go away? Make me. If I could strangle you right now I would. If you did, you would only be strangling yourself. Okay, now I'm losing my fucking mind, completely. You aren't crazy, no one else is talking to you, just me, just you. Listen to me though, I'm the better side apparently and less self-destructive than you. Really? Then why don't I like you? Because I tell you like it is, and you don't want to fucking hear it. Damn you, get better, I want to get out and you are suppressing me. Come on, we need to get better, get out of this place, live a long and happy life. Hopefully with someone you love, but if not, long and happy is good too. Yeah, I want that too, I sighed. Do you? You sure don't act like it, the voice argued.
Shaking my head to bring me out of my musings, my blond hair fell into my eyes and I pushed it away quickly. Catching my eyes in the mirror I saw the sad blue of them and desperately wanted to see Edward's bright green ones looking back at me instead. Edward... Now he was one of the sexiest men I'd ever seen. More turned on than I'd ever been because I was thinking about Edward, I groaned. Not because he was sexy, although that could be it, but more because I couldn't really do a damn thing about it in here. Why not? What do you mean, why not? I'm in the fucking hospital. So? You're about to get in the shower. Who the hell is gonna see?
A few days before I'd tried to kill myself I hadn't even bothered to touch myself. Honestly, I was too far down the well of depression that I couldn't claw my way out of it even if I tried. Well, I suppose that was obvious or I wouldn't be in this damn place.
Stepping into the shower I turned on the warm water and picked up the horrible soap the hospital provided. It would have to do, I was in no place to be picky. Hey, at least if you are picky then you care about something. Didn't I tell you to go the fuck away? Who said I'd listen? Besides, if I'm you, then you're the one that isn't letting me go, you want me more than you think. Damn it, well could you at least be fucking quiet? Language, language, we really are going to have to work on that. Oh my god, would you shut up?
Closing my eyes tight shut against arguing with myself I let the warm water wash over me. Using the soap to get any grime off my body and trust me there was some, after the last real bath I'd had was mixed with my blood and beyond that was only what had been wiped off, I started to feel somewhat better. Keeping my eyes firmly shut my hand grazed over the raised skin of the J etched into me. Shuddering a little I skipped over it and instead concentrated on touching Edward's and the rest of his scars along his chest. In my mind, my lips brushed over them removing the pain, replacing the hurt with my love. Love that was a long way off, but I still felt it would be there. If I got better I had no doubt that it would be.
My hand slid down to wrap around my dick, as I imagined Edward's hand there and not my own. Our lips met and I tasted mint and Edward. Even though I had no idea what that tasted like, I just knew. Turning me around, his lips met my neck as he pressed his body against mine. "I love you, Jasper," he moaned against my skin and I wanted him to take me, right then. I should have known that my mind couldn't even leave me in my peace in this moment.
As I turned my head in my mind my vision blurred and I saw James standing there with a twisted smile on his face. "I love you, baby," he said, his voice, his words, making me nauseous.
Coming to an abrupt halt I opened my eyes, but he was still there hovering over me. "You're mine, you always will be, no matter who else you are with." James was laughing maniacally, rattling my brain. "Don't you remember... don't you remember when you used to touch yourself, getting off to the pain? You can't tell me you didn't like it, I know better. No matter what sick lies you tell anyone else, I know you enjoyed the pain." Shaking my head, trying to remove him from it, he only tried harder to upend me. Did I enjoy it? Oh my god, what if I did? The bile rose in my mouth and before I could even step out of the shower I threw up, watching it swirl down the shower drain.
Trying to think back from a time before I knew I was gay, I remembered touching myself then too. Swallowing back the anger and the tears I sank down to the floor leaning my head against the tile. I touched myself all right and yes, pain did get me off. The problem? It was more than pain, it wasn't a little bit of fun kind of pain. Oh no, not me. When I was a child, and young teen I would touch myself, and not really thinking of a person or the fact that it felt good, I would find pleasure when I imagined someone hurting me. Every time. Drawing blood was usually the best way, to watch it flow freely against my skin. I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to vomit again, but had nothing left.
Sitting there I didn't cry, no tears would come even if I'd wanted them to. I didn't deserve them, didn't deserve to feel sorry for myself. It was myself that was thinking of those things after all. Who the fuck would want to be with someone as screwed up as me? No one wants that kind of drama. Why would I remember that anyway? I'd been in therapy before and that memory had never, not even once, crossed my mind. Why would it now? I must have stopped having those weird, sick, if you could even call them fantasies, I called them nightmares, when I finally figured out I was gay and had something else to focus on.
Are you really surprised you'd get off on that? Don't you get a high and a release from the pain when you cut yourself now? Do we really have to talk about this? Shutting that part of me out I felt physically drained, lethargic. There was no way I was moving from this spot without some sort of help, but I didn't want help. Wanting to cut myself right now I looked around and found nothing to release the pain and sighed. I was disgusting and sick and shouldn't be allowed to be around people. Yes, I needed to shut them all out, and not let anyone else in, they'd only get hurt.
"You are an idiot," Edward's voice rang out loudly and echoed off the tile. Did I say that stuff out loud? Then I looked up and saw Edward standing above me, his nostrils flaring, his eyes blazing in anger. I shrank back in fear. "No, no more of this. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you really think you are the only one that's been there? You aren't. Now get up from there." Frozen in place I couldn't move as his words spilled over me like ice and I stared into space.
Edward got into the shower with me, getting his scrubs soaking wet and pulled me up out of it. He didn't say anything else, he just got a towel and wiped my wet skin down in silence. Then he started dressing me in real clothes. It was then I realized Emmett must have dropped them off already. Edward led me out into the room and back to the bed as I vaguely registered Alice standing there looking worried. She thrust clean, dry scrubs into Edward's hands and once he checked to make sure I wasn't going to make a run for it went into the bathroom to change.
Why was Edward even here? It wasn't time for him to check up on me. Alice glared at me, I guess her worry was over, and slapped me, hard. What the fuck? Narrowing my eyes at her, she was lucky I didn't slap her right back. Did I deserve her anger? I didn't think so.
Alice started shouting at me, "Do you know I knocked on the door for thirty minutes and you didn't respond at all? All I kept thinking about was you'd found a way to kill yourself for sure this time."
My brow furrowed at her and I asked, "Why didn't you just open the door?"
Snorting at me she replied, "The door was locked, you idiot." Nice, being called idiot twice in less than the span of five minutes. Well, if you weren't such an idiot then they wouldn't, but I think they are justified. Fuck off.
Then she started in ranting again, "I had to hunt Edward down and get the key to unlock the door. Then we heard you talking to yourself in there. What the fuck are you thinking? You can't shut people out, some of us want to get to know you, all of you, even the horror you lived through. When Edward pulled this same crap, do you think I let him shut people out? No, and I won't let you do it either."
Edward walked back out wearing dry hospital scrubs and told Alice to leave us for right now. She huffed and walked out of the room, but didn't argue.
"Jasper, what the fuck was all that about?" he asked me seriously. Sighing, I debated on whether or not to tell him. He didn't need to know what a sick person I was. "Don't edit for my benefit, I want to know. Jasper, come on, do you really think anyone else could understand as much as I can what you are going through?" Shaking my head no, I decided to be honest and told him everything. If he was going to run screaming it should be now, not later. There were several starts and stops as I got it off my chest. Amazingly, I felt better once it was out there; even if the words just hung in the air, swirling between us.
Edward hugged me tightly to him and whispered so quietly I thought I might be imagining it, "You aren't alone." My tensed body relaxed as his words soothed me. He wasn't running from me, he'd be here, no matter what fucked up thing was going on.