Title: It Doesn't Matter

Prompt: 57. Cuddy/Cameron- One is in love; one just wishes she was.

LJ Rating: R

Summary/Notes: Cameron doesn't understand why she doesn't want to be with Cuddy like she should. Angst of some sort with a strange ending. Written for the house_femfest

Word Count: 1,242

Cameron flips herself off Cuddy, not the one for cuddles after sex. Cuddy doesn't seem to mind as she regains her breath, heart pounding and groin throbbing. Cameron turns on her side to check the time.

'I love you.'

Cameron clenches her eyes shut, thankful she has her back to Cuddy. She barely stops herself from hunching her shoulders in reaction to that phrase. That dreaded phrase she hoped would never come. She should have expected it. She has always been nice and loving to Cuddy.

'Allison, I love you.'

Why is she still talking? Now that she thinks about it, Cameron has never ever called Lisa Cuddy by her first name. Not after they kissed, not even after they had fucked. Maybe Cuddy had thought they were making love. Didn't Cuddy find it strange that she never called her Lisa? Initially Cameron had expected their encounter outside of work to be a one night stand. She didn't think she would actually agree to meet Cuddy again, for dinner or otherwise. Logically, Cameron should be in love with Cuddy and want to spend time and do couple-ly things with her, but she doesn't. Other than Cuddy being a woman, she was the perfect fairytale partner Cameron should be looking for.

Cameron had always been attracted to Cuddy, that's the truth. Previously she's often fantasized about a life with Cuddy. Now that she's here, in a seemingly relationship with said Dean of Medicine, she doesn't think it's where she really wants to be right now.

'It's okay. I don't expect you to reply.'

Cameron blinks in relief, until Cuddy amends her sentence.

'Just yet, anyways. A bit early I suppose, but I just wanted you to know that.'

Cameron nods and turns back to face Cuddy, kissing her tenderly.

'Sorry, I'm still a little wary…'

Cameron feels the need to reassure Cuddy of something she wishes she felt.

'Don't worry, I understand.'

Cuddy thinks she does, but Cameron KNOWS that she doesn't. Cameron isn't actually thinking of her dead husband. Cameron isn't even thinking about her previous pining over House. Cameron is wondering why she doesn't return Cuddy's feelings. When she asked Cuddy out the second time, she believed it was because she wanted to pursue a relationship. However, thinking back on it now, she never did say "Lisa, will you date me?". Instead she said "Go on a date with me?".

'Won't you shower with me, Allison?'

Cuddy is giving her a heated stare and a come hither expression was embedded in her face and body language. Despite herself and her misgivings of her feelings, Cameron slides off the bed and joins Cuddy in the bathroom. Cuddy's bathroom. Cameron hates herself sometimes. She hates her inability to just be true and real. Sure, her emotions get in the way of her profession on the odd occasion, yet they always take a back seat in her personal life. She wonders how much simpler her situation would be if she could just feel like she is in love with Cuddy. Sure, she enjoys spending time with her, making her laugh, fucking her…

Cuddy's wandering hands break up her reverie. Cameron reacts to Cuddy's strong grasping of her hips, leaning back into her soft breasts, her own hands behind her to grip Cuddy's arse and pull her closer. She wonders if Cuddy would be so eager to touch her if she knew Cameron was still fucking Chase on the side on Monday nights. Even after Chase's desire to be closer, Cameron knew that even he knew that they would never be. Of course, he didn't care; he just wanted the scraps of what could have been. Cameron stopped trying to dissuade him after the first five times, admitting to herself that it was thrilling to sneak fucks in between cases. That was then, now it was even easier as she quit House's team after Chase was fired.

Even though at first Cuddy had thought it easier to meet up with her during work hours to harmlessly flirt, Cameron thanked House for his antics to keep Cuddy occupied enough of the time. Cameron felt terrible every time Cuddy apologised to her, as if it were her fault that House was taking up all her time during work hours, as if Cameron was annoyed about it. Cameron often tried to shut her up by kissing her. This usually leads to heavy make out sessions.

----------

Chase is so excited to finally be allowed to go to Cameron's apartment. He actually thinks that this is his reward for being willing to settle for fucking her secretly at work. Cameron rolls her eyes at his eager, bouncy steps and unlocks her door.

Cuddy is away on a trip so she has no qualms about letting him accompany her home tonight. Also, House is still lurking at the hospital. Cameron isn't exactly sure why, but he gave her a sarcastic answer about trying to get Wilson and Nurse Brenda to have a threesome with him. Cameron wonders if he had finally overdosed on Vicodin. Very possibly. She pities his new slaves for the morning.

Oh yes, that's right. Chase's stubble and insistent, but fumbling groping has reminded her where she is. Without her realising, he is already naked. Well, he's not exactly a model from those magazines she frequently buys, but she finds his accent sexy, even if other people think he's slurring most of the time. Just before she grabs his excitement, the apartment door clicks open and in steps the Dean of Medicine. Cameron knew there was a reason why she had previously insisted that they not have sex on the couch. Cuddy was coming home early, that was the message she had left in Cameron's voicemail.

Cuddy turns to leave.

'Lisa! Wait, I can explain!'

Cameron doesn't even bother to try to cover herself, leaping up towards Cuddy. They both ignore the hapless Chase who is still in shock from been seen stark naked by the Dean of Medicine. He whimpers at the thought of being fired again and silently gets dressed and leaves. Cameron's desperation to placate her girlfriend was impeded by Cuddy's wry grin.

'You know, that's the first time you've called me Lisa.'

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like this.'

'Did you really think I didn't know?'

Cameron gapes, not knowing quite how to answer.

'Sure, I didn't know he was coming here to your place, but I sure knew it was happening at work. Or did you think I wouldn't notice that your lipstick was somewhat smeared, or your hair a tad crooked from such a hasty finger combing?'

Cuddy grimaces then gives Cameron one of the gentlest smiles she had ever seen, let alone received. It would probably inspire old grannies to be even more sickeningly sweet to their bratty grandchildren.

'I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. This is my decision. Despite our lack of…. mutual desires, I still love you. In some way you make me happy and this is what I want right now. If I can't take the fact that you are seeing other people on the side, then it is my responsibility to break up with you.'

Cameron's eyes are wide and confused but she dutifully closes her mouth at Cuddy's soft touch.

'Okay.'

Cuddy kisses her cheek.

'Tell me this though, you HAVE been using protection the whole time, right?'

THE END