I started this a while ago. I thought of and arranged these to provide a possible outline of Columbus's adventures, with homages to Dawn of the Dead. I have thought about writing out the narrative to go with them, but I think the list alone is more entertaining.
Rules of Zombieland 1-31
Beware of bathrooms
Buckle your seatbelt.
Run, don't hide.
Wear long shirt sleeves and pant legs.
Don't stock up on food while hungry.
Always check expiration dates.
If you must choose between food and bullets, take the bullets. They're harder to find.
Don't pass up a chance to stock up on paper towels.
Keep quiet and blend in.
Knock before entering.
If they talk, talk. If they don't talk, shoot.
One is safer than one of two.
Don't be a hero.
It's not worth sprinting if you don't have a place to sprint to.
Keep an eye out for quality footwear.
Know your sizes before you go into a clothing store..
Plan your escape.
Stay on the ground floor.
Beware of malls, department stores and especially department stores in malls.
Beware of elevators.
Zombies can be evaded by running up a down escalator.
Blood pressure machines are death traps.
Don't drive a car without checking the fuel gauge.
Also check the condition of the tires.
Always know where your car keys are.
Check the back seat