After the ordeal with the Philosopher's Stone is over, the new Fuhrer decides that Edward is being deprived of the education he deserves. So, he enrolls him in the Ouran Academy. While there, Ed stumbles upon the Host Club. With the help of Melodramatic Tamaki, Profitable Vice President Kyoya, Silent Mori, Airy Honey, Mischievous Hikaru and Kaoru, Misfit Commoner Haruhi, and a fourth-wall-breaking-narrator, Ed's life will never be the same.

Fullmetal Host Club

Chapter 1: The insanity begins

Hell. That had to be where he was now. Hell. Absolute Hell. Roy Mustang, the new Fuhrer of Amestris was the devil. He had to be. There was no other way of explaining why he had done this to him. He claimed that it was because he was being deprived of the education he deserved. That had to be a lie. He was a child prodigy; he didn't need to go to school.

Or, at least that's what Edward Elric thought as he walked down the halls of Ouran Academy. That stupid bastard was just trying to get rid of him. That had to be it; the only reason Mustang had sent him to this stupid school was because he was trying to get rid of him.

Was there more than just an assumption; was there any evidence? Oh, damn right there was. Fuhrer Mustang had put him on probation; he wasn't going to be reinstated until he graduated. In other words, he was still a State Alchemist, and he was still getting paid, but he wasn't allowed on any military base. He was getting paid to go to school. That was low, even for Roy Mustang.

Still, it was actually a good thing that they were still paying him; otherwise, he wouldn't be able to afford the apartment for him and Alphonse AND attend this school. Ouran Academy: aka The-school-for-rich-kids-who-could-totally-be-home-schooled-but-have-nothing-better-to-do-with-their-time. It was by some miracle, or Mustang's know-it-all knack that Edward was even able to afford the school uniform.

Edward was startled out of his musings when he heard voices coming from the nearby music room ahead. Feeling curious, he closed the distance between him and the music room. His gloved hand hovered over the door handle. Curiosity killed the cat, he thought to himself. But, as the voices inside continued, curiosity got the best of him. And satisfaction brought him back. He opened the door by just a crack.

The first thing he saw was roses. A shit load of roses. You'd think a florist lived here! Then he actually saw two people. One was what seemed to be a boy with shaggy brown hair, though by the slim shoulders and curve of what he could see of their face, he'd say it was a girl. The other was much taller and definitely male. He had lemon blonde hair kinda like Winry's and a sort of indigo color to his eyes.

"I'm serious, Haruhi!" the male said overdramatically. He grabbed the girl by her shoulders and looked her straight in the eye, kneeling down of course to get there.

"Just stay away from those homosexual doppelgangers!"

"They didn't do anything, senpai." The girl said in a bored manner.

"They didn't yet! DADDY SAYS NO!!!" He shrieked, hugging her close.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ed saw what appeared to be identical twins. Were these the "homosexual doppelgangers" the drama queen had been screeching about? Oh shit, had the one on the left seen him?

"Tamaki-senpai," he said.

"We seem to have company." The other finished.

Edward's luck officially sucked. Before he could run away, the doors opened wide. Rose petals blew around his face, and some even found their way into his mouth. Was there any end to the over abundance of roses?! He sputtered for a few moments, then a pair of arms yanked him into the room.

"Welcome to the Host Club!" Twin voices chorused.

"EXPLAIN YOURSELF, IMPOSTER!!" The lemon haired boy stormed over to where Edward was brutally being held hostage by the twins. He looked pretty furious, but maybe a little overly so.

"What were you doing, spying on the Host Club? Trying to steal our secrets?" Suddenly, his face melted into a mischievous grin. "Or maybe you're openly gay?"

A vein popped in Edward's head.


Edward had never seen anyone act so dramatically. The blonde inhaled an impressive amount of oxygen and actually was able to mutter "He…he…cussed at…me…"

"Well Tamaki, I'd say," said a Roy-Mustang-look-a-like-only-with-glasses, "that either, if he is gay, he's rather touchy about it, or he's not gay at all."

"DAMN RIGHT!!" Ed screeched.

"Too bad." Said one of the twins.

"He is rather attractive…" said the other.

"But," said the one, "You wouldn't leave me…for him…would you?"

"Of course not, Kaoru." Said his twin. "You're the only one I could ever…truly…love…"

"Oh, Hikaru…"

By this point, Edward was utterly and completely disgusted. For hell's sake, it was gay men and incest with the same face!

"Yeah, if you don't mind…I'll be leaving now…for life…yeah…" Edward said, hoping to make a quick escape.

"Wait," said the blonde. "I just had a brilliant idea." (DOOM)

"What is your name, my good sir?"


"Well, Edward, you won't get very far at this school with manners like yours,"

"Like I care." Ed muttered.

"So, from now on, you are a member of the Host Club, where you will learn all how to be a gentleman like me!"

"…do I have to?"

"No backing out now!" the twins said, with probably a little too much enthusiasm.

"It's about time we got a new toy." Said Hikaru…or was it Kaoru?

"T-toy?" It almost seemed as though Edward's worst nightmare was about to come true.

"Shouldn't there be a rule about picking on the new guy?" The girl said.

"Why? That didn't apply to you, Haruhi."

"Well, time for introductions." Said the blonde.

"My name is Tamaki Suoh. I am the President…I mean, King of the Host Club." Ah, the Narcissist. Ed thought. Tamaki pointed to the Mustang-with-glasses.

"This is Kyoya, our Vice President; I think you've already met Hikaru and Kaoru." Memo to me: Never be within a five mile radius of the twins.

Tamaki pointed to the last three members. One was the girl, and the other two were a tall, black haired boy, who for some odd reason, really reminded him of Mustang. The other was a blonde haired boy who looked no older than 10.

"And this is Mori-senpai," pointing to the black haired giant, "Honey-senpai," pointing at the blonde 10 year old, "And our darling Haruhi!" Tamaki finished with a flourish.

"And starting tomorrow, your training as a Host begins, Edward!"

Tamaki was really starting to get on his nerves.

"Hey, Mori-senpai" Haruhi whispered, "Don't Tamaki-senpai and Edward sound alike?"


"I'm telling you Al," Edward screeched. "One week with this stupid 'Host Club' and I'll end up in the nut house! Tamaki Suoh is one of the most annoying and obnoxious people I've ever met, not to mention the biggest drama queen…"

Al chuckled to himself as his brother rambled on and on about the odd members of the Host Club. He was beginning to think that maybe this club might be good for Ed.

"And those twins! Hikaru and Kaoru are as gay as they come, not to mention that they think I'm their new 'toy'…I'm gonna go nuts just trying to avoid them and…What're you laughing at, Al?!"

"I'm…s-sorry, Brother," Al said between laughs, "But I think this club might actually be good for you…" A thought came to him. "Brother, nobody saw it, right?"

Edward paused. "No. Nobody saw my arm. And even if they did, they wouldn't see anything out of the ordinary." He pulled off the shirt of his school uniform and quickly donning one of his own shirts. "Winry had a new model; the automail has a flesh-like covering to it, so even if I didn't have a long-sleeved top on,"

"No one would suspect." Al said. "Still Brother, you need to be careful."

"I know…"

"But other than that, I seriously think this club will be good for you. You could actually make some friends."


"And you could learn some manne--"

"You finish that sentence, and you won't be able to sit on your damn ass for a week."

Al just grinned.

"I hate rich kids." Ed muttered.


Nope, I don't own either of these awesome animes. TT___TT