Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Summary: her body had been wrong
Character/Pairing: Elizabeth Weir
Prompt Number for fic 101: #67 Disappointment
Author's Note: This is a sequel for Ready or not that Ankareeda asked in the timestamp meme I've posted ages ago.
She didn't know how much time had passed since she had started crying in John's arms, but to her it felt like hours.
She didn't understand her reaction, didn't want to try and understand it, she just wanted to stay there. She had always felt safe in John's arms, secluded from the outside world, and today was no exception. But she knew that she would soon need to come back to the reality. A reality she didn't want to face.
She was only aware of her tears and John's arms wrapped around her, and that suited her. She needed time; time for the result of the test to really sink in, time for her to realise what it meant. But she also knew that she and John needed to talk. She had to know if he was all right.
Raising her head from his chest, she looked up at him and noticed unshed tears in his eyes. She suddenly felt stupid; she had thought only about herself the whole time, and not once about what he might feel on their situation.
"You ok?" he asked, and she couldn't help but smile; he always thought about the other before himself.
"I don't know... I... I don't know," she repeated. She couldn't find her words, she wasn't able to describe her feelings. She wasn't able to put a name to them.
"It's going to be ok. We're going to be ok," he tried to reassure her, but she could hear the doubt in his voice.
"I'm sorry, John."
"There's nothing to be sorry for."
"Yeah... There's nothing," she whispered, burying her face in his chest.
There was nothing. The test was negative. Her body had been wrong, she wasn't pregnant. There would be no baby, no new life growing in her womb.
She didn't know what was wrong with her. She didn't want this baby, and yet, she was crying for it. She thought she would feel relieved if the test was negative, and yet, here she was, crying in John's arms. She didn't want this baby, and yet, it felt like she had lost it.
She was feeling something she didn't expect before. Disappointment. She was disappointed because her body had been wrong. She was disappointed because even if she thought she was ready to have a baby, a small part of her just realised that maybe she had been wrong.
"God, I'm pathetic," she said covering her face with her hands.
"No, you're not." John took her hands away from her face, and cupped it with his own. His thumbs dried her cheeks of her tears, as he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. "We're going to be ok," he repeated his words from before, this time with more conviction in his voice. "It just wasn't the right time. Do you want a child?" he asked carefully, remembering her words from earlier, when they were awaiting for the results.
"I... I don't know," she answered, and it was true. For the moment, she couldn't think clearly. The results and the reaction it had provoked in her completely distressed her. She didn't know what to think, or what to do.
"It's ok. You need time, we need time."
She nodded, knowing that once more, he was right. Time was what they both needed for them to overcome the disappointment they were feeling, and to find out what they really wanted. They didn't need to talk right now, they didn't need to make decisions right now. Right now, they could just be, just feel, and nothing more.
She buried her face in his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath her cheek, feeling his chest rise with each breath he was taking. She felt him tighten his arms around her; they were both the anchor of the other, what they needed to feel all right.
She took a deep breath and cleared her mind from everything that happened those last few hours, since she suspected she might be pregnant. But the same feeling of disappointment stayed, as if rooted deep within her. Maybe it was trying to tell her something, something she wasn't ready to hear.
Detaching herself from John's arms, she took his hand and led him to the bed. She lied down on her side, and he spooned behind her, seeking her warmth. His hand came to rest on her stomach, his fingers stroking it gently. Her own hand came to rest over his, stilling his. She couldn't help but think had she been pregnant that in a few months time, they could have felt their baby moving, kicking, against their hands.
But that wouldn't happen because she wasn't pregnant.
She willed the thoughts away. She didn't want to think about that anymore, not now, not today. She didn't want to think about anything.
"Maybe we could stay here today..."
"We should take the day off, yeah," he nodded against her.
"No, I mean, stay here, in bed. I don't want to move, I just want to stay here," she explained.
"Good. Because I don't want to either." He paused, and though she couldn't see it, she was pretty sure he was licking his lips. "You should get some sleep."
"We both should sleep."
She hadn't slept all night, too anxious to know the results for her mind to shut off completely. Though they hadn't spoken, she knew he had spent the night awake too. She had felt him move slowly, trying to not disturb her, but she hadn't minded. She had needed to feel that she wasn't alone in this, that he too was anxious and waiting for the morning to come.
He nodded once more against her shoulder, before his hand left her waist. She felt him move, and guessed he was reaching for something on the bedside table.
"Sergeant, this is Sheppard," she heard him say in his earpiece. A pause; he was waiting for Chuck to reply. "Doctor Weir and I won't be coming in today. Tell McKay and Lorne they have commands of the City." Another pause; she wondered if Chuck was asking something, or just agreeing to his orders. "Sheppard out."
That had been the second. She heard the earpiece fall onto the bedside table moments before his hand came to rest once on her belly, this time trapping hers beneath his.
"You realised that by now Chuck has realised that we're together. And that by the end of the day, the whole City will know?"
"Right now, I don't care. Do you?" he asked, and she could hear the concern in his voice.
She didn't want to think about that today, didn't want to think about anything.
"John?" she asked, wondering for a second if she had really heard what she thought.
"Have you really left the City in Rodney and Evan's hands?"