Disclaimer: This story is a one-shot. All recognizable characters, names and places are not mine and belong to Ed Boon.
Warning: This story is rated mature for a reason. If you are uncomfortable with crude sexual humour or disapprove of the consumption of alcohol, then this story is probably not for you. That being said, this story was written entirely for fun and for your reading enjoyment.
Liu Kang has had many achievements in life such as being champion of the Mortal Kombat tournament, being a member of the White Lotus Society and defender of Earthrealm. In spite of all his achievements, there is one thing Liu Kang hasn't accomplished and that is being rid of his virginity. Liu Kang couldn't comprehend how he would have any time to lose his virginity when he was fighting evil from the realms and now he ponders whether he is the only kombatant left who hasn't had sex. It is a secret he is willing to take to his grave. He desperately wants to confide to his friend Kung Lao if he has had sex, but doesn't want to suffer humiliation.
Liu Kang and Kung Lao ambled on the paths of a village in Earthrealm. Today was the day that Liu Kang mustered enough courage to engage in the conversation of being a virgin.
"Would you like to have some rice wine?" suggested Liu Kang, as they walked near a local tavern. Anything to get Kung Lao tipsy would make the situation easier.
"Sure, why not," said Kung Lao.
They strolled into the bar and Liu Kang made sure they sat in a distant corner that was incapable for people to hear their soon to be conversation. An attractive barmaid walked up to them to ask what drinks they would order. Kung Lao gawked at her as she listened to Liu Kang's orders.
"Two rice wines, thanks," Liu Kang said. The barmaid returned within minutes holding two pewter tankards.
"That will be forty gold koins," the barmaid insisted.
Kung Lao and Liu Kang eyed each other. Kung Lao emptied his pockets to find nothing. Liu Kang mumbled something that sounded like "idiot doesn't even have a wallet" and paid the barmaid.
"You gave me ruby koins instead of gold," the barmaid said bitterly.
"Oh sorry," Liu Kang exchanged koins. The barmaid rolled her eyes and pivoted away from their table.
"Are you sure you're not colour-blind, Liu?" Kung Lao said, indulging himself with rice wine.
"Are you sure you're not broke?" Liu Kang questioned his Shaolin monk friend. He leaned his elbows on the table. He was about to ask the big question. He sighed deeply and went for the kill.
"Kung...You've been my BFF for quite some time now. I need to get something off my chest."
"What's on your chest?" Kung Lao stared at Liu Kang's chest.
"You idiot, stop staring at my breathtaking form. What I meant was that I have a confession to make."
"Right, go ahead. You can tell me," Kung Lao assured him.
"I am a-a-"Liu Kang stammered.
"Stop stuttering and just say it."
"Virgin," Liu Kang wailed. Liu Kang sat rigid; his expression was tense and drawn from any emotion. He waited for Kung Lao's response.
"V-v-irgin?" Kung Lao faltered disbelievingly, trying to shroud his astonishment from this bombshell.
"But how can that be? Don't you and Kitana...Well you know," Kung Lao queried, raising one eyebrow.
"I can't muster up the confidence to tell her if she wants sex!" cried Liu Kang, burying his face into his hands. He now regretted telling Kung Lao about this.
"Unbelievable," Kung Lao muttered. Liu Kang waited for it, the snide remarks that Kung Lao would now inflict. But the virgin jokes never came.
"Well...Have you done it then?" Liu Kang finally asked.
Kung Lao lowered his head in an attempt to cover his face with his hat. But Liu Kang could see Kung Lao's ears flushed red as a tomato.
"No, I haven't," he confessed.
Liu Kang sighed in relief and took a swig from his tankard. He was not alone; someone else hadn't taken the joy ride.
"Could anyone else be a virgin?" Liu Kang took in consideration, hoping Kung Lao and he weren't the only ones.
"You mean other known kombatants?" Kung Lao asked.
"Yeah, I want to know if we are the only ones who haven't had sex!" Liu Kang groaned. He loathed the status of being a virgin. What if anyone else found out? He would be the laughing stock of the realms.
"What about Shao Kahn? He is too busy trying to rule the realms," Liu Kang crossed his fingers, wishing this one was a no.
"I'm not sure about him. I heard a rumour that he did it with Sindel in an Edenian palace cellar." Kung Lao spilled the beans. Both Liu Kang and Kung Lao visibly winced at the thought of Sindel and Shao Kahn.
"She has bad hair days for a reason," Kung Lao continued, sniggering at his own observation.
"Raiden?" Liu Kang quizzed, wondering if Raiden possessed more than just supernatural powers.
"Apparently there is a jiggalo under the name Thunder God," Kung Lao stated the obvious. Liu Kang gagged on his rice wine.
"What about Jax?" Liu Kang asked.
Kung Lao contemplated for a moment, "I don't know. He didn't install those metal arms just for fighting."
"Sektor?" Liu Kang didn't want to be convinced by this one. The chance of a robot doing it is like the chance of Mokap ruling all realms. "Can robots have sex? They don't have private parts," scoffed Liu Kang. He was sure this one would be a virgin for life.
"Unfortunately, I heard him say that a mechanical penis was built for him. He said it was programmed to function at high velocity speed." Kung Lao shook his head at how Sektor would go to such extremes.
"Has Sub-Zero gotten lucky?" Liu Kang said, still bitter from the previous kombatant.
"Never really trusted him, I'm sure he sleeps around with his female Lin Kuei students," Kung Lao told him.
"Well that rules out Frost I guess," Liu Kang sighed, furrowing his eyebrows. "Anyone else you can think of?"
"Scorpion, he reproduced... A son I think. And Kenshi? Blinded by love, that's all I can say," Kung Lao had come to this verdict. They sat in a moment's awkward silence, Liu Kang making an effort to absorb all this information.
"Surely Shang Tsung hasn't reached first base," Liu Kang blurted.
"Actually he has. He morphs into the husbands of women to sleep with them," Kung Lao said, shaking his head in disgust, "Sick bastard..."
Liu Kang gasped and smacked his fist down onto the table, spilling some to the rice wine—horrified at Shang Tsung's transformative wiles.
"Has Goro done it? Sex can't be his forte."
"With that hunchback I think he is in desperate need of a chiropractor. I'd say virgin unless he participated in a Shokan orgy with Sheeva and Kintaro. Gee...imagine all those arms flinging about." They were unaware that Goro was a polygamist, having seven wives.
"No! I don't want to imagine," said Liu Kang, shaking his head mechanically, trying to get the mental image from his head. To get rid of the nauseating images, Liu Kang hastily asked about another kombatant. "Has Ashrah done it?"
"Oh please, she is as pure as Arctika snow. No sex before marriage," Kung Lao winked.
"Finally we found another virgin!" Liu Kang rejoiced. A wide grin spread across Kung Lao's face.
"Chameleon and Khameleon?" questioned Liu Kang. He hadn't a clue on this one.
"Did it on Yin Yang Island, they liked being stuck between Earthrealm and Outworld."
"Rain?" said Liu Kang, slightly inquisitive about the Edenian Prince.
"The so called Edenian Prince has a reputation of being a bed-hopping Casanova. Apparently did it with the princess of Edenia," Kung Lao explained.
"You're not saying K-K-Kitana are you?" stammered Liu Kang sullenly.
"Sorry Liu. She is over ten thousand years old; of course she isn't going to tell about that. Just out of curiosity, what is it like to date an older woman?"
"Shut up," wept Liu Kang, unable to suppress his hatred for Rain. He sulked for ten minutes and then ordered more rice wine to drown out his sorrows.
"Anyway, who else do you think hasn't done it." Kung Lao was getting more curious by the second.
"How about Bo' Rai Cho? He is a good trainer, taught me lots of tricks I've never seen. Maybe he specializes in other things."
"Are you telling me that big klutz has done it before me?" hissed Kung Lao, resisting the urge to bang his head against the table.
"No no, just saying," replied Liu Kang, wiping a tear from his face, still not over the whole Rain and Kitana incident.
"Baraka?" Liu Kang grimaced, hoping Baraka hadn't done it before him. He was sure those blades would get in the way of his love sessions.
"Definitely not. No woman would venture there," Kung Lao decided, taking a sip from his tankard. He was on his third rice wine.
"What about Mileena? He is one of her kind," Liu Kang asked unwillingly, hoping this doesn't lead to the conclusion that Baraka had done it.
"I suppose they did it," Kung Lao concluded, rolling his eyes. Liu Kang exhaled a deep breath.
"Li Mei?" Liu Kang asked.
"Little minx that one, she did all the Seidan Guardsmen in Outworld. It was some sort of payback for forcing all her villagers into slavery," Kung Lao said. Liu Kang tried to count all the Seidan Guardsmen with his fingers but gave up quickly.
"Taven and Daegon? The sons of Argus," Liu Kang said.
"All I can say is that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," Kung Lao told him, referring that Argus was a womanizer.
A raucous cackle was heard in the distance that made Liu Kang instantaneously jerk.
"What was that noise?" Liu Kang said frantically, surveying their surroundings. Nobody was close to their table.
"Are you hearing things now? Get your hearing checked," Kung Lao suggested indolently, not even bothered to check if someone was eavesdropping.
"No no! I definitely heard something. You my friend need a hearing aid," Liu Kang defended himself from Kung Lao's jibe. Liu Kang checked under the table and other areas until he was convinced that nobody was listening. "Anyway back to business. What do you think about Kabal?"
"A possibility, but if a woman saw what lied beneath that mask...Instant hara-kiri."
"Hotaru? The general from the realm of Seido," Liu Kang said.
"Surely not, I wouldn't be too surprised if having sex is illegal over there, let alone speak of it."Kung Lao answered, although that put in the question whether there would be no population in Orderealm.
"I've been a little curious about Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade. Never heard any gossip about them," Kung Lao wondered, "Have you heard anything about those two?"
"You haven't? Gee, Kung Lao, have you been hiding under a rock for the past three months? I thought they had a platonic relationship until I read in a gossip magazine that they did it at Johnny's movie premiere. I think the movie was called Little Johnny but I forgot. Anyway, it was a rumour but they got caught at an awards ceremony a couple of weeks later," Liu Kang said.
"You read gossip magazines?" Kung Lao widened his eyes in shock, his mouth pressed into a thin line.
"Yeah...Just the usual, like Earthrealm Gossip Magazine and Edenian Weekly," Liu Kang said.
In that moment, Shujinko stumbled into the tavern and sat on a table at the opposite end of the room. He has been bar-hopping since nightfall.
"Has Shujinko done it?" Liu Kang whispered so Shujinko wouldn't hear their dim-witted conversation.
"Poor guy was swindled into believing he was doing the Elder Gods good his entire life, definitely had no time in getting laid," Kung Lao sneered, covering his mouth to silence his laughter. Liu Kang glared at him with a look that told Kung Lao they are in the same boat as Shujinko. They sat in a lengthy pause finishing off their wine rice.
"That's all the kombatants I can think off. I think our conversation served a purpose. We are virgins and need to do something about it. Don't worry Liu, there is still time. Talk to Kitana about it and I will ask that barmaid out." He pointed at the barmaid that was now receiving orders from customers. Little did he know she was having a relationship with Kurtis Stryker.
"Tonight, I will go and get frisky with Kitana!" Liu Kang sang out.
"Good luck, Liu," Kung Lao paused, "Wait, before you go. Are you going to see the movie Little Johnny?"
"I'm not seeing it...Heard it wasn't a big hit."
They rose from their stools and shook hands. Liu Kang felt more confident than before.
"Okay, from this day forward, I will be known as...Liu Bang!" He beat one hand on his chest.
So Liu Bang and Kung Lao parted ways. And without their knowing, a figure became visible on the third stool that was left vacant. Reptile was invisible the entire time Liu Bang and Kung Lao had their secretive conversation.
"Wait till I tell all the realms about this!" muttered Reptile as he burst into a fit of laughter.