Author's Notes: I. Love. This. Show.
More importantly, I LOVE ABED.
Five Times Abed Predicted the Future
Abed comes to Greendale with his excitement meter clocking a solid "pretty okay". It might not sound like much, but it's a big deal for Abed. He doesn't get emotional very often. The last time he was anywhere nearly as high as "pretty okay", he was losing his virginity to Susie Barber. (He later learned that Susie was blind and deaf, which explained why she wore sunglasses at night and made strange noises. He'd assumed she was a member of the suburban mafia and was speaking in code.)
Anyway. His Dad leaves him in his dorm with all his stuff and says, "Now, you be a good boy and graduate, and then come home and make falafel."
Abed nods. He decides, "I should make some friends, too."
In the doorway, his father shrugs. "Making friends is a serious business, Abed. Friends aren't like family who'll put up with you no matter what you do."
That doesn't sound like fun to Abed, so he says, "You're right. I'll make family instead."
The first night that Jeff stays in his room, Abed decides that he can't ever let him leave. Jeff laughs at Bill Cosby, and that's a sign that they are meant to be best friends.
Except he maybe also likes Troy as a candidate for his best friend. His father was right. This is complicated.
One morning Britta comes into his room and looks at Jeff both with pursed lips and slanted eyes. It is an expression Abed recognizes, either from the emotions poster in the Language Hall (Sad, or, en español, Triste), or from any episode of his favorite teen drama, The O.C.
That night, as Jeff is climbing into bed, Abed is trying to brush is teeth but the sink in the common bathroom won't work. He sighs when he re-enters his room and says, "We need new faucets."
"What about faucets?"
"New ones would make things better."
The night of the Halloween party, Shirley freaks out because her ex-husband wants to propose to his girlfriend. Abed's not sure how his Shining (as Jeff calls it) works, but he's read Harry Potter so he knows all about self-fulfilling prophecy.
(In regard to Harry Potter, Abed's thoughts are these: a lot of problems could have been avoided if they'd just turned Voldemort into some sort of dessert and ate him. Bam. World saved.)
Anyway, he closes his eyes and clicks his heels three times and says, "He'll get dumped tonight."
Later, when Jeff's Sexy Teacher walks away from him, Abed shakes his head and sighs. "Touché, Universe," he says.
Abed bets five hundred dollars that the Greendale football team will win its first game. Jeff tries to explain to him that Greendale's football team couldn't win against a team of paraplegics, but since Abed has elected Troy to be his best friend, he is determined to show support.
Britta thinks that's sweet, so she puts ten dollars on Greendale. Jeff says that if Greendale wins, he'll voluntarily give up sex for a month.
Shirley knows better than to bet against Abed by now, so she puts fifteen in the pot for Greendale. Annie doesn't gamble, but Troy keeps looking at her from the corner of his eye, so Abed smiles to himself. "Even if you don't win, Troy, you're definitely going to score."
Score is a new word he learned from Pierce. Abed is still trying it out. He is undecided.
Shirley abruptly changes her bet from Greendale winning to Troy scoring, and no one listens when he tries to explain.
Either way, it doesn't matter. Nobody speaks to him next week when they've lost their money because Greendale loses and Troy doesn't even get to play because of a knee injury early on in the first quarter.
But Annie takes care of him, and they both smile a lot, so Abed still won and he keeps his five hundred dollars.
When Abed gets a B on his Spanish final, he doesn't tell anyone. He isn't ready for their Breakfast Club to go to lunch just yet. And he can tell that Jeff isn't ready to admit that he likes any of them but Britta, and Britta isn't ready to admit that she likes everyone but herself, and Troy isn't ready to admit that he actually loves losing at football, and Annie isn't ready to admit that she actually loves watching him lose at football, and Shirley isn't ready to admit that she's not sure where to go with her life, and Pierce isn't ready to admit that he hasn't had sex since his fourth wife.
When they gather in the library to discuss grades, Abed says, "I failed. We'll keep the group until everyone gets an A."
On the next test, Abed makes sure to study hard enough that he knows how many wrong answers will get him an 89.