(10/14/01 — 10/26/01) Episode #6: Awake on My Airplane (or, A Bad Ending)

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

E. BEAR

KIOSUKE

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

Gio's PERSIAN

the BLACK NINJA

ASH-tachi (including TRACEY, MRS. K, & the PROFESSOR)

the DIRECTOR

the PRODUCER

the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

the PREVIOUS NARRATOR

SAINT MOBSTER, the patron saint of all mob bosses

the BUS DRIVER & PASSENGERS from Ep. 3

a gift shop CLERK

a voice-changer

and some Teletubbies (just kidding!)

Scene I

(Well, things have calmed down a bit since our little hot-springs fiasco.  Our heroes—do I really have to call them that?)

DIRECTOR: Yeah, sorry Gio, but it's in the script.

(*grumble* Yeah, yeah…*ahem* So anyway, as I said, things have calmed down a bit…)

NEKO: GOD DAMNIT, GIVE IT BAAAAAACK!!!

GALAXIA: Hey, hey!!  Calm down, you two!!

(Er…somewhat)

KIO: (evil grin) I don't recall seeing your name on it.

(Kind of.  Maybe…)

NEKO: Grrrrr…Well it's in my house and that's my television so that MAKES IT MINE, YOU JERK!!  HAND OVER THE REMOTE!!

(Okay, so they've mostly just returned to normal)

GALAXIA: No kidding.

(Neko, meanwhile, jumps in vain, trying to wrest the remote from Kio's hands, which being as tall as he is, simply holds it over her head in amusement)

GALAXIA: Teasing short people is mean.

NEKO: I'm not short!

KIO: Too short to get the remote.  That's short enough.

NEKO: (grrr…) Kio…!

GALAXIA: I don't get the big deal, you guys.  We all want to watch the same movie anyway.

NEKO: (whining) Yeah, but I want the remote!!

KIO: Jeez, don't be such a big baby about it or anything…

GALAXIA: (pointing at the TV) We're missing the opening.

NEKO: It's all Kio's fault!  (plops down on the couch moodily)

KIO: You're the one making a big deal out of it.

GALAXIA: Both of you shut up!

(Kio and Galaxia both plop down on couches and chairs as well)

KIO: It seems so quiet around here.  Where are Jesse and James anyway?

NEKO: (still glaring at the remote in his hand) On assignment.

GALAXIA: The Boss was pretty pissed about that impromptu vacation, so he put them back on the Pikachu project.

(Damn right I did!!)

KIO: Ouch.  That's harsh.

NEKO: Give it back!  (dives at Kio)

KIO: (pulling out of her reach) Are you still going on about that?

GALAXIA: (sigh) Né-chan…

(She turns back to the movie as Neko & Kio both proceed to wrestle over the remote in the background)

KIO: Come on, lay off!!  I'm trying to watch the movie!

NEKO: It's my remote—give it back!!

KIO: OUCH!!  Jeez, no biting!

NEKO: Blech!  What is that, anyway?  Rayon?!

GALAXIA: (still ignoring them) Hey, I didn't know Anthony Hopkins was in this movie!  ((--I think they're watching Mission Impossible: 2))

(You think?  And who asked you anyway?)

((Just get back to narrating, you second-rate mob boss))

(Why you—!!!)

GALAXIA: Hey, you guys, do you think you could keep the foreplay to a minimum so I can hear the movie?

NEKO: Shut up!!

KIO: Is that what this is?  (sly grin)

NEKO: You shut up too!  (snatches the remote from him) And give me that!

KIO: Whaaaatever you say, kitten…

NEKO: Grrrrr…!

(Suddenly, the telephone rings)

GALAXIA & KIO: DUN-DUN, DUN!!

NEKO: Dorks…

GALAXIA & KIO: Answer the phone!!

NEKO: Why do I have to?!  (answers the phone) Yeah?

CREEPY VOICE: Hello, Clarice…

NEKO: James, I know that's you.

JAMES: (whiny) Aw, man!  Stupid voice-changer!  (sounds of smashing machinery)

NEKO: Besides, you screwed the movies up.

JESSE: (in the background) I told you it was Sidney!

NEKO: So what do you guys want?

JAMES: Help.

JESSE: Um, what James means is, we need some…ah…assistance, and we would, er, really appreciate if you could get Mondo for us.

NEKO: You've got a phone.  Call him yourself.

KIO: Ooh, harsh.

NEKO: You shut up!  (throws the remote at him)

JESSE: Um…he's not answering his phone.

JAMES: Actually, our calling plan expired and we can't get a signal.

JESSE: Idiot, don't tell her that!  (sounds of a minor scuffle)

NEKO: (sigh) So, where are you guys, anyway?  You can't be that far away…

JESSE: Uh…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to that lonely mountaintop once again—which is not so lonely anymore—where we find Team Rocket, a rather bedraggled Ash-tachi, Mrs. Ketchum, Tracey, & the Professor [Oak, that is] sitting around looking cold, wet and utterly confused)

JAMES: Is this far enough for her?!  (shivers miserably)

MISTY: How the hell did we get up here?

MRS. KETCHUM: I blame cult activities.  I just knew they couldn't be good!

PIKACHU: Piii-ka!

ASH: What are you complaining about—you've got fur!  (shivers miserably as well)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEKO: Fine, fine, I'll call Mondo for you!  Jeez, you big babies!  (listening) What?  No, I do not own a snowplow.  … Yeah, yeah, I'll be sure to tell him that.  Though I don't know how the hell he's s'posed to get one of those up there…(hangs up)

GALAXIA: What was that about?

NEKO: I don't know.  The reception was bad.  Let's watch the movie.

GALAXIA: (cheery) Okay!

NEKO: Hey, where'd the remote go now?

KIO: (chuckling) Idiot!  You threw it at me.

NEKO: Aaarrrrggghhh…(sigh) Aw, I'm too tired for this!  (plops down next to him on the couch)

GALAXIA: (whine) Turn the volume up!

Scene II

(Back on that frozen mountaintop…)

JESSE: Aaaargggh…!  That bitch!  She didn't call him!

JAMES: How do you know?

JESSE: I read it in the script, half-wit!  (shivers miserably) Ooh, and it's cold up here!  (weep)

BROCK: (lecherous glint in eyes) In a situation such as this, we all need to stick together and conserve body heat!

(He looks around to find everyone else but himself already paired/grouped off for warmth.  He looks sadly down at his apron-clad self and blubbers miserably)

BROCK: All of you are meanies!!  (hugs himself)

JAMES: Jesse, I've never felt as close to you as I feel now!

JESSE: Yeah, yeah, your boot's digging into my heel!

MISTY: Hey, quit trying to cop a feel!

ASH, PIKACHU & PROFESSOR: Sorry.

MRS. K: (forlorn sigh) Well, I suppose we have to make the best of this…  (grins brightly) Who's up for campfire stories?

EVERYONE ELSE: Err… (sweat drop)

MRS. K: I know!  We could sing folk songs!

MEOWTH: (crying) Somebody help us!!!

ASH: (embarrassed) MOooO-OM!!!

(I suppose I should feel sorry for them.  *silence* …What?!)

DIRECTOR: I didn't say anything!

PRODUCER: You evil, evil man.

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (cheesy grins) That's our boss! ^_^

(Kiss-ups!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(But enough about me…or those retards who got themselves lost on a mountaintop)

EVERYONE: HEY!!

(Where are they anyway; the Swiss Alps?)

DIRECTOR: I think it's a region in the northern Appalachian range.

PRODUCER: I thought they were in Tibet?

(NO ONE CARES!!  *ahem* So, back to the story…)

DIRECTOR: (grumble) You're the one who asked…grumpy pants…

(THE STORY, THE STORY!!  Oi…!)

GALAXIA: Jeez, she really was tired!  I've never seen her pass out like that during a movie!

KIO: (uncomfortable) Um, she's getting really…snuggly.  And I think she just drooled on my arm.

GALAXIA: Hee, hee, she's drooling all over you, Kio!  Get it?

NEKO: I do not drool!!

(Shut up, moron, you're supposed to be asleep!)

NEKO: Oh, right.  (zonks out again)

(Galaxia and Kio sweatdrop nervously)

KIO: Think we should move her?

GALAXIA: I thought you liked getting snuggly with her?

KIO: (blush) Yeah, but…the drooling…!

NEKO: ((big, flame-backed anger scene—including fangs)) I DO NOT DROOL!!  (clobbers them both w/her harisen)

(Oi, this isn't going well…)

PRODUCER: Does this scene have a point?

DIRECTOR: Uh…Does any of this [censored]?

PRODUCER: We'll…discuss that later.  In the meantime, let's fast-forward to the next scene.

BUTCH: Yay, that's our scene!

CASSIDY: No it's not!  We've still got another two to go!  Idiot.

BUTCH: Aw, man.  Let's take a coffee break, then.

CASSIDY: You do NOT need anymore coffee!

(Don't you two have an assignment or something?)

BOTH: Uh…

BUTCH: Right.

CASSIDY: On it!  (quickly tail it)

(…Really need to consider those two's credentials…)

Scene III (Already)

(Well, we're on to another scene.  Again.  No wonder ratings are dropping like flies—they don't give people long enough to even TRY and understand what the hell's going on!!)

DIRECTOR: Hey, you wanna' keep your job, buddy?

(*grumble grumble* …paycheck-Nazi…!  Ahem.  So yes, the next scene … Okay, where's the script?!  I've got no goddamn clue what the next scene is!)

JAMES: Use my copy.  I don't need it.

(Oh, thank you, James.  *blinks in thought* Maybe I should give him a raise for that?  Wait, what am I thinking?!  I'm broke!)

(Ahem.  We find ourselves in the dark recesses of Team Rocket Headquarters, in the immense, now dark & lonely-looking office of Giovanni.  …  *long silence*  Wait, that's ME!!)

GIOVANNI: I have a SCENE?!  No freaking way!!

PERSIAN: (giving him the weird look) Mrowr?

GIOVANNI: (shakes self) Oh!  Yes!  Where was I?

(It says here in the script you—I mean, "I"—was, uh, were lying face-down on your, I mean, my desk and crying into a pool of IRS forms and bank statements.  *breathing hard* Damn this is confusing!)

GIOVANNI: (nodding proudly) Ah, yes, that!  (promptly does so) WAAAGGH-HA-HA-HA!! …

PERSIAN: (eye roll) Rowr, rowr, rowr…  (goes back to napping)

(All of a sudden, the doors fly open—real dramatic-like—and a mysterious figure enters)

M. FIGURE: Behold!  For I have come to solve all of your problems!

GIOVANNI: W-what are you?!  (getting annoyed) Who are you?  And how did you get in here?!

M. FIGURE: That is irrelevant!  For I have—

GIOVANNI: SECURITY!!

M. FIGURE: Hey, wait a second!  I wasn't finished!  (huffy sigh) Jeez, do you want help or not?!

GIOVANNI: (finger pausing over the "red button") Er…

M. FIGURE: (back to dramatic) I am the mighty Saint Mobster, and I have come to solve all of your money-made-through-illegal-means problems, Giovanni of Team Rocket!

GIOVANNI: A saint lobster?!  How the hell is a giant, tights-wearing crustacean supposed to help me?!

ST. MOBSTER: (really cool flame-backed anger scene) NOT LOBSTER, YOU VERSACE-CLAD IMBECILE!!  MOBSTER, MOBSTER!!  I AM THE GOD OF GODFATHERS!!  DIDN'T YOU READ THE UNOFFICIAL MOB BOSS BIBLE?!!!?!  (drops a really big book on him) And I am NOT wearing tights!!

GIOVANNI: (sweatdrop) Er…

ST. MOBSTER: (smacks him) And quit doin' that!!  You're making the title of mob boss look bad!!

GIOVANNI: (rubbing a baseball-size bump on his head) So, you're here to help me?

ST. MOBSTER: (royally irritated) YES, YOU ROYAL MORON, YES!!  Ahem.  (instantly calm) Now, let us talk rates…

GIOVANNI: (pissed) WHAAAAT?!!  You're supposed to be my patron saint, yadda-yadda and all that bull!  I shouldn't have to pay you!!

ST. MOBSTER: (insulted) Do you think I'm some kinda' charity or sompin'?!  Look buddy, the mob don't DO favors.  This is business.

GIOVANNI: (suppressing his rage) What are your rates?

ST. MOBSTER: Now you're speakin' my language, Mr. Giovanni.

(The Patron Saint of Mobsters conjures an elaborate desk of his own out of nowhere & seats himself behind it, offering Giovanni a chair)

ST. MOBSTER: Shall we talk business?

GIOVANNI: (hesitant) Hmm.  (shrugs carelessly) Ah, what the hell.  Narrating doesn't pay enough for this!  (plops down in the seat)

DIRECTOR: Hey!  WE own you!

PRODUCER: Yeah!  It says so in this contract!

ASS. DIRECTOR: Traitor!

BUTCH & CASSIDY: That's our boss!  ^_^

THE CREW: QUIET, YOU!!

Scene IV

DIRECTOR: I regret to inform the reader that we are currently without a narrator.

PRODUCER: (spazzing & trashing equip. in the background) GOD DAMNIT!!!  DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMNIT!!!  GRRRRR…!!!!  (the censors suddenly kick in & further cursing is cut off)

PREV. NARRATOR: So now what?  You gonna' come crawlin' back to me, huh?  Think that I'll just come back, no harm done?

DIRECTOR: Um, we were thinking—

PREV. NARRATOR: (spaz) Well forget it, buddy 'cuz it's—not—happening!  You won't see THIS narrator crawling on his hands & knees at your whim for some crummy-ass job!!  NO SIR!!  I am above that—you will never break me!!!  (maniacal laughter) MWA HAA HA HA!!!

PRODUCER: (waits until the laughter has died off) … So, want your job back?

PREV. NARRATOR: (shrug) Yeah, sure, when do I start?

~~~~~~~~~~

(Yay!  Yay!!  It's me!  I'm back!!  Hello, wonderful camera!  *hugs camera-man* Hello, scenery!  *hugs scenery*  Hello, all you crazies who got yourselves lost on a lonely mountain-top!  *hugs the mountaintop* I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)

DIRECTOR: Was this really such a good idea?

PRODUCER: Hey, you're the one who refused to have him tested for mental exhaustion!

(Okay, now, ONTO THE SCENE!!)

DIRECTOR: H-ooh, boy…!

~~~~~~~~~~~

(Back to Team Rocket's Secret Hideout! …)

KIO: Oof.  You're getting heavy, kitten!  I'll have to remind you to lay off the donuts.

(If you recall, Neko passed out for no reason whatsoever when they were watching a movie.  Now Kio is heading up the stairs w/the Rockette in his arms to put her in her bed)

KIO: (looking around the dark hall appreciatively) For a Rocket hideout, this place is pretty nice.

(He finds Neko's room finally and deposits her gently on the bed.  Neko sighs happily in her sleep and curls up kitten-like)

KIO: (watching her curiously; cocks a brow quizzically) You are impossible to understand, Neko.  (He goes to leave but turns back hesitantly, watching the peacefully sleeping redhead w/a soft expression in his gold eyes.  Brushing a few strands of reddish-gold hair out of her eyes, he sits down on the edge of the bed, watching her sleep for just a few more moments)

(Very faintly, a shadow flits across the room, momentarily masking the light from the hallway, and then its gone.  Kio turns sharply towards the doorway, eyes narrowing watchfully)

KIO: Galaxia?  (going to the door & peering out) Hmm…

(A gentle paw on his pant leg from behind startles him, and he looks down to see E. Bear looking up at him w/worry-filled gold eyes)

E. BEAR: Evil.

(The Rocket cadet nods slightly, inclining his head towards the hallway.  The little brown bear nods in reply, slipping soundlessly into the hall and peering down one end suspiciously.  Kio takes the other side, moving w/casual caution)

KIO: I wonder why someone would break in here?  There's nothing of value in a place like this.  *sigh*  I hope its not some Peeping Tom-pervert…like that pizza guy they keep telling me about…

(Another flicker of split-second shadow to his right.  Kio spins quickly in the direction, following it's general direction)

KIO: Well whoever it is isn't an amateur.  They're moving like…  (his eyes widen suddenly in understanding)  Oh, no!  Neko!

(His head jerks back in the direction of Neko's room.  The sound of the television drifts up from downstairs and deepens his worry further)

KIO: And Galaxia!  Oh great, what the hell am I supposed to do?!

(Without warning, a figure suddenly leaps from the shadows, tossing him roughly into the wall w/martial skill)

KIO: Oof!

(Kio jumps quickly to his feet, just in time to block a ferocious, sweeping kick to the ribs.  He stumbles back from the impact, then steadies himself in a defensive position, meeting the next attack w/a rather impressive display of martial arts himself)

(Despite his efforts, his attacker manages to catch him off-guard once again, sweeping Kio's feet from beneath him and knocking him to the floor.  Fighting for breath, Kio opens his eyes, startled, to find a pair of hard black ones staring back at him; his attacker having pinned him expertly to the floor)

KIO: (growling angrily) What do you want with them, Black Ninja?!

BLACK NINJA: You shall not interfere.

(Twisting beneath him in a clever move, Kio manages to wrap his leg around his attacker's; at the same time pressing into the soft pressure point between the thumb & forefinger and weakening the ninja's hold enough for him to slip aside w/one last desperate kick in the Black Ninja's direction.  His foe manages to roll out of the way to avoid the kick, but Kio quickly scrabbles backwards into the hall and to his feet, keeping a wary distance from the clever ninja)

KIO: Bull-shit I won't interfere!  I don't know what it is you want with them now, but you're sure as hell not gonna' do it while I'm around!

BLACK NINJA: (wry smile) ((--yeah, he's got a mask.  Just imagine he's smiling))  You have guts, boy.  And you are skilled.  But you are still no match for me.

KIO: Why don't we find out, Mr. Cocky?

BLACK NINJA: Perhaps another time, Kiosuke Akogare.  But right now my plans do not concern you.  If you back-out now, I will respect your distance and spare your life.  But if you continue to interfere, I will be forced to dispose of you.  My master has no patience for mistakes.

KIO: Oh, really?  Your master?  So you're working for someone else.  That's a start.  Who is your master and what do they want with Neko and Galaxia?

BLACK NINJA: Both girls?  (knowing smile) Only one girl is of importance, Akogare.  And I believe it is the one sleeping only just in the other room, neh?  (inclines his head in the direction of Neko's room)

KIO: (growling angrily) You stay away from her.

BLACK NINJA: You care for this one, don't you?  (shakes his head ruefully) That is…unfortunate.

(Like a wraith, he disappears down the hall, hardly disturbing the air w/his passing.  Kio jerks after his disappearing form in surprise, a haunted expression overcoming his features)

KIO: Black Ninja?!  No!  Come back and fight, you coward!  (dashes down the hall after him)

~~~~~~~

(Galaxia looks up from her movie curiously, listening to the sound of loud footsteps and yelling going on upstairs)

GALAXIA: Huh.  Sounds like she woke up.  Poor guy.  Sounds like she's really giving him a hard time.  (shrugs carelessly & pops some popcorn in her mouth) I'll let them be.

~~~~~~~

(Meanwhile, Kio dashes from room to room, hastily searching for any sign of the rogue ninja.  He finally reaches the end of the hall, with no results.  Panicking, he looks around for a solution)

KIO: Damnit!!  Where did he go?!!

(A loud cry of pain that sounded as if it came from E. Bear causes him to spin back around.  The sound had come from the direction of Neko's room)

(Dashing hurriedly down the hall, Kio rushes into the Rockette's room, just in time to see the Black Ninja—perched smugly on the windowsill w/the sleeping redhead slung over his shoulder—give a jaunty salute and leap backwards into the night)

KIO: (rushing towards the window) NEKO!!

(Peering over the edge, he saw only the night.  There was no sign of the ninja & his prisoner)

KIO: (horrified whisper) No…  Oh God…!

(Somewhere nearby, E. Bear whimpers weakly)

KIO: E. Bear?  (looks around hastily & finds the bear lying nearby) Whoa!  You okay?!  (picks the bear up gingerly)

(E. Bear nods gamely, grimacing & attempting a smile)

E. BEAR: Ee~eevil…vil…

KIO: (trying to stay calm) It's okay.  There's nothing you could've done.  (forces a grin) I'm sure you got him good.

E. BEAR: (sitting up painfully & pointing towards the open window) Evil!  Evil, vil, eeevil.

KIO: (sudden understanding) You think…he drugged her somehow?  (shaking his head in awe) No wonder she fell asleep so suddenly!  Oh shit, I have NO idea what we're supposed to do now!  Galaxia is SOOO gonna' kill me.

E. BEAR: Evil.

KIO: Yeah, guess you're right.  She'll probably just burst my eardrums with lots of cursing and earth-shattering shrieking.

(They stand there in tense silence for a few moments, desperately trying to come up w/some sort of plan)

(Finally, after a while, Kio turns to E. Bear thoughtfully)

KIO: Is this gonna' be a cliff-hanger episode?

E. BEAR: (pulling out his script) Eeevil…  (nods & points to something in the script) Evil.  Evil, evil, eee.  Evil-vil.

KIO: (spazzing) Oh great!!  This is the end of the SEASON?!  No wonder it's so out-of-place and ridiculously dramatic!  Aaaaarrrggghhh…!

E. BEAR: Evil.  Vil vil.

KIO: (childishly) But I don't WANNA' wait until next season!  I wanna' know what happens right now!  I want to know why that crazy jerk-ass kidnapped Neko for no apparent reason and who this mysterious "master" of his is!!  And I want to know why it says in the script that there's still one more scene left, DESPITE the fact that this is a cliff-hanger!

E. BEAR: Evil.  Evil, ee.  Evil, evil-ee, vil-ee.

KIO: Butch and Cassidy?!  Who even CARES about those losers?  Besides, what have they got to do with this episode anyway?

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (popping out of nowhere again) Hey, lot's of people like us, bub!  Don't dis us!

KIO: (to E. Bear still) They just keep popping UP like that to make lame statements about everything that's none of their business!

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (really insulted) Hey!!

KIO: GO AWAY!!

CASSIDY: (huffy) Fine!  We get the ENTIRE next scene anyway!

BUTCH: We don't need the stupid butt-end of your lame scene!

KIO: YOU'RE STILL NOT LEAVING!!  (karate kicks them out of the scene)

(Jeez, never seen Kio spaz like that.  I think Neko's kidnapping has really affected him)

KIO: (glare) It has NOT!

E. BEAR: (head shake) Eee~eevil…!

KIO: (eyebrow twitch) Stupid bear…!  (promptly drops E. Bear out the window in annoyance)

(*eye roll* Oh gee, what a wonderful way to end such a tragically dramatic scene.  Okay, people, onwards!  Onwards to the next scene!)

KIO: What the hell are you on?

(Quiet, you)

KIO: (banging his head against the windowsill in frustration) Aaaaarrrrrggghhh!!!  It's not fair!!  This is so stupid!!

Scene V

(Yes, yes it is, you sad, strange little man, you.  But onto happier things.  Onto flowers and bunnies, and frolicking lambs amidst the flowers and bunnies, and some singing, rainbow-colored alien babies as well—)

BUTCH: I think…you're getting off-track.

CASSIDY: (ferociously pissed) WE ARE NOT TELETUBBIES!!!  And I do not sing!!

BUTCH: (happily) I will!  (sheepishly) If it involves money…

CASSIDY: (holding her head) Oh, dear Lord…!!  Why must my brother be a mental invalid?!!

(Um, hello, non-alien, anti-singing, crazy maniacal Team Rocket people: your scene has begun and you're wasting it)

CASSIDY: Yeah, yeah, yeah—don't get pushy!

BUTCH: Can we have a scene title?

(Um…okay.  This could be a…a mini-episode)

BUTCH: Like "The Second Part" on Record of Lodoss Wars?

CASSIDY: Or the Fushigi Yuugi bus trip!

(*sweatdrop* Uh…yeah, yeah, sure.  So anyway, we now go to…*looks around blankly for an idea* Um, "The Mini-Adventures of Butch-Cassidy in a Gift Shop")

CASSIDY: You forgot the 'and'!

(What?)

CASSIDY: (grumble) Never mind.

BUTCH: (giddily) Yay, a gift shop!!  (prances around like a flower-sniffing dork waving Hallmark collectives in the air)

CASSIDY: You're not gonna' shrink us into pseudo-humans or anything, are you?

(Not unless you piss me off)

CASSIDY: Good.  Because he's being gag-me cutesy enough for me as it is.

BUTCH: (still psyched) Cass, Cass, let's go find the Beanie Babies and stuff as many as we can fit in our car!!

CASSIDY: Narrator, I don't like this gift shop idea.  Take it back.

(Sorry.  It's in the script now)

CASSIDY: …urrrgh…

(Just go with the flow)

BUTCH: Hey look, sis!  It's a cell-phone 9-iron in one!  We should get that for the Boss!  (thoughtful) Or maybe the automated golf ball washer/tea pot.  Hmmm…

CASSIDY: (disturbed) Hey, Butch, how about we check out the designer sweets.  (starts pushing him in that direction hastily)

BUTCH: Ooh, look at that one!  (to a clerk) Ma'am, how much is that?

CLERK: The 20-lb block of pure German chocolate, glazed in a fine, dark fudge?

BUTCH: Yeah!  That sucker!

CLERK: Two-million, six-hundred sixty-six thousand, sir.

BUTCH: (blanching) Uh…Cents?

CLERK: Dollars, sir.  (smile) Would you like that gift-wrapped?

(Butch blinks blankly for a few moments, then grinning broadly, begins to nod, but Cassidy hastily cuts in, throwing her brother into a headlock before he can speak)

CASSIDY: AWAY from the candy!  Let's go!!  (drags Butch away by the neck)

(This is turning out disastrous)

CASSIDY: (finally setting him down) Now, pick something inexpensive so we can get out of here.

BUTCH: What are we supposed to be getting anyway, sis?

CASSIDY: I have no idea, but pick something before I bash your head in with this snow globe!

BUTCH: Eep!  …Can I have the snow globe?

CASSIDY: (monstrous & angry) PICK SOMETHING!!!!!

(They walk to the back of the gift shop, looking around aimlessly at the merchandise)

BUTCH: (pointing at things randomly) I want that.  No, no…I want that!  No, that.  Can I have that?  Wait, I don't like that.  How about that?

CASSIDY: (getting pissed again) Knock it off, Butch!  Just pick something already!!  And nothing expensive because we're broke as hell!

BUTCH: (tiny voice) …Can I have a Beanie Baby?

(Suddenly, the doors of the gift shop fly open, revealing an angry mob of bus patrons waving torches & broken pieces of wood in a threatening manner)

CASSIDY: Why didn't you just say they were 'brandishing' them?

(Because its more ridiculous this way)

BUTCH: Agh!  A mob!  (waves a hand for a pause) Could you guys just wait until I've picked out my Beanie Baby?  (turns to the BB shelf) Ooh, a penguin!  I don't have one of those…!

BUS DRIVER: You're the ones!

PASSENGER1: Yeah!  You're the ones who hijacked the bus & strapped a bomb to it!

PASSENGER2: Hooligans!  I didn't get my bus tab back!

PASSENGER3: WE WERE ALMOST ALL SENT TO OUR FIERY HELLISH DEATHS!!  (terrified screaming & running around) THE FLAMES OF DAMNATION ARE UPON US!!  SINNERS REPENT!!  AAIIIIIeeeeiiiiiiiiieeeee!!!!!  (dives out the window)

PASSENGER1: Dude, doesn't he ever die?  (others shrug)

CASSIDY: (nervous) Um…We're sorry?

BUTCH: (holding up two Beanie Babies) Cass, do you think I should get the leopard or the emu?

CASSIDY: (smacking him) Butch!!  We're about to be beaten to death by a torch-wielding mob!!  Can't you think of anything else?!

BUTCH: (thoughtful look) … Do you think they'd prefer the emu?

BUS DRIVER: Let's kill 'em!

PASSENGER1: Yeah!

BUTCH: The sight of all these homey knick-knacks and cuddly Beanie Babies seems to be increasing their homicidal rage.

CASSIDY: We are so dead.

BUTCH: Maybe they're just lonely, and all they really want is a hug and a Beanie Baby.  Or a giant hunk of fine chocolate from Germany.

CASSIDY: Butch, shut up and run!  (grabs his arm & bolts for the door)

(Screaming w/ a mixture of Xena war cries & Arab chanting, the torch-wielding mob of bus patrons follows them out of the now trashed gift shop)

(The clerk from earlier blinks confusedly, then starting in realization, turns to yell out into the night: )

CLERK: HEY!!  You forgot to pay for the Beanie Baby!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(And that is the end of "The Mini-Adventures of Butch-Cassidy in a Gift Shop".  As well as the end of this episode, AND this season.  Oh, boo-hoo!  Be tough, you big sissy-girl!  You can brave several long, torturous months of waiting for season 3 to find out what happens to Neko and the others.)

KIO: (horrified expression) MONTHS?!!?

(And now, people, I'm afraid we must depart.  For "all the world's a play, and we are but actors in it"—and I also have some more homicidal feelings of rage to contend with, as it seems)

KIO: We have to wait—MONTHS?!!?

(Yes, feelings of rage are strong in this one.  I must not let him slip to the Dark Side in this time of rebellion)

(Adieu, our faithful audience!  Stay tuned for Season 3 of Insanity, and please—do not allow your rising feelings of homicidal rage to overcome you in the coming months of emptiness you may experience)

KIO:  MONTHS?!!!?!???!

DIRECTOR: We've really got to look into a new narrator.

PRODUCER: Why not new jobs while we're at it?

END SEASON TWO