Disclaimer: Uh. Brendon. All Brendon. Mmm Brendon...
Warning: ...Uh. The title doesn't lie? Yeah, that's good enough.
Boys Will Be Boys
Cause the only thing better than money when you're broke, is being broke with friends.
All in all, Dethklok was not doing so well. They were still running out of money. It seemed like the more Nathan tried to make sure they saved it, the more they ended up hemorrhaging it.
After two solid weeks of kissing ass and selling off several children that he didn't even have, and had no intention of having beforehand, his stress had leaked through the rest of the band. By five o'clock Friday, nobody wanted to do anything but get drunk. Unfortunately for their financial situation, that meant cheap beer or nothing.
So there Dethklok resided, in what was left of their recreational room. The big couch and chair was still there. But their arcade games were gone. The hot tub was dry as a bone. And the flat-screen might as well have been a painting for the good it was doing. The light from the many candles set up around the room reflected off it to give the room a glow reminiscent of a church. Which only made everybody drink faster.
" Ugh. I never thought I'd be drinking Natural Light again." Nathan grunted as he crushed the now empty can in his hand.
It was mostly for his benefit that Skwisgaar didn't turn his nose to the cheap beer. " I never drinks it ever. Doesn'ts taste greats, but is all we cans affords. It gets the jobs done de sames, ja?"
Toki huffed, leaving his beer for the most part untouched as he rolled from his stomach onto his back to look at the rest of his bandmates on the couch. " I wantsa watch de TVs!"
Nathan frowned and gestured to the black, powerless flat screen. " It hasn't gone anywhere. Watch it."
" I means," And the Scandinavian rolled his eyes like a spoiled teenager, "I wants de pictures to pay attentions to!"
" I can't afford for you to pay attention, all right? Use your imagination or something..."
Murderface, for once, not carving into the side of the couch, shifted and sighed. " I'm bored too...Let'sch do schomething."
" Dood, like wat?" Pickles wasn't really that interested, but pointless conversation was better than staring at an unplugged TV by candlelight.
" I don't know, jusch schomethin'!" Preferably violent, but nobody had health insurance for that kind of thing.
Skwisgaar looked around, pausing in practicing on his guitar. He spotted something under the table. " Whats about dats right dere? Unders de tables' leg?"
All eyes strained to look in the flickering darkness. What it was the Swede had seen from his seat was a full deck of cards holding the coffee table level. No special variant of cards. No naked women. Which was probably why the cards were there doing the job of keeping the table level.
" Dood, I didn't even know we had cards." Pickles, starving for stimulation at this point, put his beer down to go free the cards.
" Cards is okay, rights Nat'ans? Is frees?" Toki had a lot of hope pinned on those damn cards..
Nathan shrugged. " Yeah, cards are okay. But we'll have to play something basic. Rules could get too complicated and we're nowhere near drunk enough for that kind of thing to be funny."
" Complicated my assch! Schwischgaar will cheat!" Murderface pointed his beer accusingly at the Swede.
" I doesn't cheats! We ams having'ks dif-are-rent rules in Sweden dans Amerika. Betters rules!"
Pickles snorted, wiggling the deck loose. " There ain't no dem rule that says 'everybody blow th' dealer.' We been ta Sweden too, asshole."
" Is my faults you hasn't been to de rights spots?" Skwisgaar huffed and turned his nose up.
Toki snickered from his placement on the floor. The blonde had a hot retort for him that he was ready to fire when Nathan put his beer down hard on the table; specifically to distract them from starting another fight. " Look. Let's just play Bullshit, since we're about to be knee-deep in Skwisgaar's."
Immediately, the aforementioned guitarist switched targets to the frontman. " Fucks you, Nat'an!"
" You can't afford me, Skwisgaar."
Murderface and Pickles snickered this time, the latter shifting the table out of his way to stretch his legs out. " Why dun we play on th' floor? Yanno, so we kin all reach. Plus, beers gaht less of'a fall ta make, should sem'one party foul."
The safety of their now precious Natural Light was all the convincing Nathan, Skwisgaar and Murderface needed to form a small circle in the middle of the floor. Pickles dealt the cards out, sounding off his own littledrum before setting the deck down in the middle and turning over the top card. " Ten o'clubs, go Merderface, gogogo."
The first few turns were pretty boring. With one trying to gauge and get used to the playing style of the other. Or at least, that lasted until it was Skwisgaar's turn for the third time.
" Two kings." And he dropped the cards carelessly.
Toki practically exploded. " BULLSHITS! I CALLS IT!"
The other band members jumped, then stared as apparently calling bullshit on the Swede was tantamount to winning the lottery. Skwisgaar huffed and pointed to the two face-down cards. " Checks it, dildos!"
" I wills!" Toki stuck his tongue out, then revealed the cards, expecting to catch Skwisgaar in a bluff. But there were in face, two kings there. " Shits! How you does that?! I has two kings already!"
Murderface rolled his eyes. " There'sch four of everything in the deck, dumbassch!"
" Why don't ya sit this one out if ya don't remember, Toki? Watch how it goes, den come play th' next game?"
" I not takes all dat!" The Scandinavian huffed and added the cards to his hand. " Is can plays just like yous! Just rustys!"
Nathan sighed, fanning his hand closed to keep it protected while he reached for his beer. " This is going to be a very long game for you, Toki."
Nathan was right.
" I hates dis game." Toki huffed. " How comes you guys gots less cards dans me?!"
" Cause our bullshit detectors ain't broken." Pickles grinned and reached for his buy-one-get-one-free pack of cigarettes. Three were lit, then passed to Skwisgaar and Nathan's waiting hands. " It's yer turn by th' way."
" Fines!" Toki glared at his hand, then grabbed four cards and slammed them down. " I plays four tens!"
The vocalist grunted. " I believe him too. He's got half the goddamn deck."
" Fucks you! Yous full of shits, Nat'an!" He was seriously considering throwing all his cards at the singer.
Nathan blinked, exhaling a stream of smoke. " Since when I do look like Murderface?" The aforementioned bassist elbowed him while tossing his cards down. He grunted and intended to organize and put his own cards down, but Pickles grabbed onto his shoulder to stay upright as something had suddenly struck him extremely funny. " What?" The frontman reached over to shake Pickle's can to make sure it didn't have any party favors inside. " What the hell's so funny? You find LSD in your pocket again?"
" No, no, I feckin' wish...I jest...Ya know what I jest thought of?" Skwisgaar leaned over and took hold of the unbalanced drummer's still lit cigarette to avoid anyone or anything getting burned. Candles were dangerous enough in a house with Murderface, Pickles and Toki. " The Shit Chamber story."
" Oh my God." Nathan promptly joined Pickles in the fit of hilarity.
Toki looked between the two of them, then to a decidedly disgruntled Murderface curiously. Disgruntled moreso than usual that is. " What means dis 'Shit Chamber Story'? I doesn't hears of dis."
" AND YOU WON'TSCH!" To prove how final that was, Murderface slammed his cards down; hard enough to make them fly everywhere. He then crossed his arms and tried to look as homicidal as possible at the still laughing Pickles and Nathan.
Finally catching his breath, Pickles pulled himself up and took his cigarette back from Skwisgaar. " Nat'n, dood, ya gatta tell Toki an' Skwisgaar. They weren't there."
" NO YOU FUSCHKING DON'T!" By now the bassist looked a bit panicked.
But Nathan had no mercy, fixing him with a challenging look. " Oh I'll tell it. This is what you get for filling the fucking room with fucking sand after I fucking told you not to."
" IT WASCH A SCHANDSCHAPE!"
" IT WAS A GODDAMN MESS THAT YOU PAID TO MAKE AND I HAD TO PAY TO HAVE CLEANED UP!" Effectively cowed, Murderface backed down, only slightly and glared at the floor. Clearing his throat, Nathan reached to put a significant dent in his beer before starting. " All right. So...we were in...fuck, where was that...? Idaho, I think. Some potato...festival...bullshit...whatever, we were there. We were staying in this pretty classy hotel. Classier than you would think Idaho would have. As classy as that place was, however, there was shit all to do in Idaho. So we did what we've always done–"
" -ran up a massive tab in every bar we could crawl to, then went back to the hotel to sleep it off!" chimed in Pickles.
" Unfortunately," Nathan paused to take a long drag, " since we spent all our good money on booze, all we had left was shit money for shit food. Which means, because this was the greatest trip ever–did I mention we had to share one big room, by the way? Yeah, fuck Idaho–we all had to shit. At once. With just one bathroom."
Skwisgaar snorted, then dissolved into snickering. " Ams glad I missed dat."
" You have no idea." Smoke flowed out of the frontman's mouth as he tapped his hand on the floor. " So I go first– "
" Bullshit!" Again, Pickles cut in, making the "time out!" gesture. " First. My. Ass. I was already in there. This metherfecker kicks in th' door an' tosses me th' feck out, mid-zip, mind ya, sayin' 'Time's up asshole!' and slams th' feckin' door."
Nathan showed no signs of remorse for his actions. " You were taking too long."
Toki huffed. " Dat's de Shit Chamber story? Where does de chambers comes in?"
" Well I was getting to that but Pickles apparently wants to tell the story." The frontman made sure to blow his smoke in the drummer's direction.
He merely fanned it away with his hand. " Nah, you tell it better. Ya jest leave shit out."
" Whatever. So I go first, then I let Pickles in. And we've made Murderface wait, like thirty minutes by this point." Nathan snickered as both middle fingers were directed at him. " He's in there for like...forty-five-fucking minutes. We don't hear him grunt, strain, curse, don't hear nothin' splash, we think he's fuckin' dead in there or something."
By now, both he and Pickles were having a hard time keeping their laughter in check. Shaking his head, Nathan gestured for Pickles to continue on. " All right, so he makes me go check it out. And by check it out, I meen I kick th' door a bunch'a times an' ask Merderface if he's dead. Then...like this feckin' trumpet of victory, I hear a flush. Out comes Merderface, and..." Toki and Skwisgaar looked at each other, as apparently Pickles needed to mentally prepare himself for what he was going to say next. " -the smell behind him is so feckin' rank, it kicks me in the feckin' face so hard, I hit th' back wall an' have to crawl to get fresh air."
Nathan was officially on his back laughing outright. Skwisgaar, having figured out where this story might be going, was on his way to laughing as hard as the drummer and frontman were. Murderface could take it in silence no more. " Fucksch you guysch! It wasch not that fuschking bad!"
Pickles turned almost completely around to face him. " Naht that bad?! Ya almost knocked Nat'n unconscious! Nat'n comes out of the kitchen and reels like he jest gaht punched in th' feckin' face." That did it. Now Skwisgaar was laughing at Murderface's expense too. " He grabs onta th' doorframe an' says, an' I QUOTE, 'Goddamn, I said GODDAMN!' An' Merderface, true ta form, th' whole feckin' time Nat' an' me are suffocatin', is jest standin' there like, 'What...?'"
Toki was the only one not finding humor in this. Well, Toki and Murderface. Though, honestly, he thought the bassist would be proud that he'd almost killed his bandmates with his toxic fumes. " Whys you nots happy, Murglefais? You loves beings de assholes like dat."
" ...Story ain't finisched." He huffed.
Pickles stubbed out his cigarette on the bottom of his sneaker. " We're in th' process of openin' all th' windows, when we hear this noise from th' bathroom. This weird, wet, wholly unpleasant noise..." Murderface snarled and got up from his sitting position to go get more beer. Pickles only snickered at his back. " Th-this noise is brown, polluted, fecking toxic, shit water overflowing th' toilet an' hitting our bathroom floor. It is naht stopping. Merderface broke th' feckin' toilet."
Nathan waved a hand to interrupt. " This wasn't just any crapper mind you. This was industrial. This thing is powered by a 747 somewhere in that building. Hundreds of people have taken huge dumps in this thing, and it's been fine." A black tipped thumb was jerked in the direction Murderface walked off. " Dogface, in there, drops a fucking unwanted pregnancy in it, and it chokes to death." He paused to finish his cigarette off and dump it in Murderface's half-empty beer can. " So Pickles and me are pissed. Murderface is walking around, callin' us pussies and shit, whatever." A hand was waved in dismissal at the memory. " I go over to the bathroom and act like it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Pickles, who thinks I've lost my fucking mind, comes over to look and almost ruins what I was planning on doing."
" ALL RIGHT, THAT'SCH IT! I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE!" Murderface plopped back down between Nathan and Toki with another box of Natural Light and a scowl on his face. " I'll tell thisch part." He made a show of clearing his throat. " Thesch two girls fuschking got me to come over to the bathroom again. I wasch ready to further schame them with my manly schtench, WHEN THEY SCHOVE ME IN AND BLOCK THE FUSCHKING DOOR!"
Pickles cackled. " As soon that feckin' door closed, we heard a couple of 'fuschk you's an' lots of splashing! You do naht want to know what he looked like when he got out o'there. Rest assured, it was the funniest dem thing we'd seen all day. And that, Toki, Skwisgaar is the Shit Chamber. Also, why Murderface will naht room wit' me or Nat;n again, if he kin help it."
Of all things, Toki looked concerned. " You didn'ts lets him out?"
" 'Course we did, Toki." Nathan tore open the back of Murderface's box and caught the first beer can that fell out. " The last time we tried to leave Atomic Dump in the hotel, he found us anyway."
" It wasch easchy. I schmelled a pair o'cuntsch and knew right away it wasch you two."
Pickles lit another cigarette, extending his middle finger as he did so. " Yeh, we let'im out eventually. As soon as we remembered we brought'im wit us." And it was with the training that only comes from living with your brother, that Pickles was able to duck the full beer can that came flying at his head. " Missed me! Too bad ya didn't miss dat toilet!"