CHAPTER 188

HEY THERE. SO I WAS REREADING THE LATEST CHAPTERS (AFTER REALIZING THAT I HAD NO IDEA WTF HAD JUST HAPPENED, I'M KIND OF IN A DAZE), AND I REALIZED THAT THE CRACK REALLY DIDN'T START IN 189. WELL IT PROBABLY STARTED SOMEWHERE AROUND CHAPTER 1 IF WE'RE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST, BUT I THINK THAT 188 REALLY FALLS UNDER THE "WHAT MEDS IS HOSHINO TAKING?" CATEGORY. SO AS WE WAIT FOR THE END OF THIS RAPE-TASTIC FLASHBACK, LET US TAKE A TRIP BACK IN TIME; BEFORE CHIBI!KANDA, BEFORE SHOTACON, EVEN BEFORE ROAD GOT HER JAILBAIT MOLESTING ON. SURPRISINGLY, IT STILL DID NOT MAKE ANY MORE SENSE.

SO WE OPEN WITH JOHNNY EXPLAINING THE PLOT ON A PRETTYFUL COLOR PAGE. THEN THERE'S A GORGEOUS TWO-PAGE SPREAD (WITH LENALEE COME TO ME MY DARLING) AND KANDA RANDOMLY HAS NEON BLUE HAIR. OKAY, NOTHING TOO CRACKY SO FAR. WE HAVE A PAGE EXPLAINING WHO EVERYONE IS (OH LULZ, LAVI AND LENALEE AREN'T EVEN ON IT. THEY ARE NOW BELLOW THE NOAH WHO HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A SINGLE LINE YET), AND THEN WE GET TO WISELY MINDRAPING THE SHIT OUT OF KANDA. HIS HAIR RIBBON BREAKS AND EVERYTHING, IT LOOKS VERY TRAUMATIC. AND NOW BACK TO JOHNNY, BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER NOW.

CAMPY SCIENTISTS: *ARE CAMP*

REEVER: HEY JOHNNY, LOOK AT THIS.

JOHNNY: IT'S THE UNCONSCIOUS BODY OF A TEENAGER WHO HAS BEEN MUTILATED IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE.

REEVER: YES. LET'S POKE IT WITH A STICK.

TEXT BLURB: SPOILER ALERT, THEY ARE TOTALLY ABOUT TO GET ATTACKED BY NOAH.

JOHNNY: WAIT WHA-

RENEE: NEVER MIND THE FORESHADOWING, I AM FINALLY ABOUT TO GET SOME LINES SO LISTEN UP. THIS IS ALMA KARMA, HE IS HERE BECAUSE KANDA'S LIFE IS NOT YET MISERABLE ENOUGH.

CAMPY SCIENTISTS: *TAKE NOTES*

RENEE: TECHNOBABLE AKUMA TECHNOBABLE THIRD EXORCISTS TECHNOBABLE TECHNOBABLE.

JOHNNY: AM I REALLY THE ONLY ONE DISTURBED BY THE FACT THAT THEY ARE USING THE BODY OF A HALF-DEAD TEENAGE BOY TO HARVEST AN AKUMA-BASED FIGHTING FORCE?

ALL: *SHRUG*

JOHNNY: HE'S ALMOST THE SAME AGE AS ALLEN!

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: W/E. HE'S NOT A NORMAL TEENAGER, HE'S A FREAK OF NATURE. LIKE KANDA. HE'LL KEEP REGENERATING NO MATTER WHAT WE DO TO HIM, TRAPPED IN A VORTEX OF PAIN FOR THE REST OF EXISTENCE! THAT MAKES IT OKAY.

OLD MAN: OMG ALMA, LET ME TOUCH HIM.

RENEE: UM, NO, WE'RE KIND OF BUSY HERE.

BAK: WOMAN GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN *SLAP*

RENEE: KAY.

OLD MAN: *ALMAGASM*

HITLERWICK: HI I'M HERE NOW. HE CAN'T HEAR YOU DUMBASS

OLD MAN: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT HE WAS ALIVE?!

HITLERWICK: 'CAUSE I KNEW YOU'D THROW A BITCHFIT. LIKE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. BLAME BAK AND RENEE, THEY WERE TOTALLY IN CHARGE. I'M NOT THE ONE THAT USED THE HELLSPAWN TO KILL EVERYONE THERE, JUST SAYING.

OLD MAN: EVERYONE EXCEPT KANDA! HE GETS TO STICK AROUND SO THAT MORE AWFUL THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO HIM.

HITLERWICK: BUT OF COURSE.

OLD MAN: WE MADE THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!!

JOHNNY: WHY?

RENEE: IT'LL KIND OF MAKE SENSE IN 5 CHAPTERS, TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

JOHNNY: BLEGH *PUKES ON CAMP SCIENTIST 1*

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: MY FABULOUS LAB COAT IS RUINED!!!!!

EARL: *OUTSIDE* WE HAPPEN TO BE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION AS THEY ARE!

ROAD: WE ARE THAT AWESOME.

EARL: BUT OUT BACKSTORY IS SADDER.

ROAD: TOTALLY

EARL: THEY THINK KANDA CAN HOG ALL OF THE ANGST, THINK AGAIN!

ROAD: IT'S TIME FOR AN ANGST OFF.

EARL: TO WAAAAR!!!

ME: ANYONE GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY THE EARL IS HUMAN AND ROAD IS A PLUSHIE? NO? GREAT.

HEADQUARTERS: WE SHOULD PROBABLY ATTACK THEM OR SOMETHING *DOES SO*

EARL: *ACTUALLY LOOKS… PRETTY BADASS FOR A SECOND THERE. HOLY SHIT* MY NAME IS ADAM, BTW, ADD THAT TO YOUR TALLY OF USELESS INFORMATION WE'RE THROWING AT YOU. I'M SURE IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE SOMEDAY.

ME: SERIOUSLY. ROAD IS A PLUSHIE. NO EXPLANATION. YOU CANNOT DO THESE THINGS.

HOSHINO: BITCH I DO WHAT I WANT.

ME: FAIR ENOUGH. HOLY SHIT THERE ARE LIKE EIGHT LEVEL FOUR AKUMA THERE. HOW HAS THAT NOT RESULTED IN EVERYONE BEING DEAD YET?

HEADQUARTERS: *EXPLODES* UH YOU GUYS SHOULD PROBABLY GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

EVERYONE: *ATTEMPT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE*

JOHNNY: *TRIPS*

REEVER: OH MY GOD STOP FAILING SO MUCH.

JOHNNY: YOU'RE RIGHT, I HAVE TO NOT FAIL. LIKE ALLEN.

REEVER: GREAT, COME ON-

JOHNNY: I WILL, JUST LIKE ALLEN! I CAN'T HAVE ALLEN PROTECT ME AGAIN, I HAVE TO RUN ON MY OWN, SO I DON'T INCONVENIENCE ALLEN!

REEVER: ALRIGHT-

JOHNNY: ALLEN WILL COME, SOMEHOW! WE HAVE TO LIVE FOR ALLEN! ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN!!

ME: *ADDS JOHNNY TO LIST OF CHARACTERS WITH CREEPY STALKERCRUSHES ON ALLEN* SO THAT'S HIM, ROAD, TYKI, LO FOU, FO, POSSIBLY KRORY…

SHERYL: SURPRISE, BITCHES!

EVERYONE: OMGWTFBBQ

SHERYL: OHOHOHO, I AM CONTROLLING YOUR BODIES~

ME: *READIES PEN*

REEVER: GASP, WE ARE WALKING THE WRONG WAY! AND THE OTHERS ARE… EXPERIMENTING WITH AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?

SHERYL: I AM SO DELICIOUSLY EVIL!

ME: YEAH I'M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND ADD HIM, YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

JOHNNY: ALLEN WILL BE SO UPSET!

WISELY: OH MY GOD SHUT UP, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE. YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT "KUROSAKI-KUN" BITCH.

EARL: HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MY LOVE NEST

SHERYL: MMMM~

EVERYONE: *IS STUCK AGAINST WALL, ARMS OUT AS IF ON SOME SORT OF, SAY, CRUCIFIX*

JESUS SYMBOLISM: *IS OH SO SUBTLE*

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: THIS IS KIND OF BAD.

OLD MAN: MEH.

JOHNNY: OMG KANDA! HE LOOKS KIND OF DEAD

OLD MAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WISELY: YES. AND SHAME ON YOUR FOR CREATING THESE ABOMINATIONS *WAGS FINGER*

KANDA: UGH… MY HOTNESS WOKE ME UP… WHAT'S GOING- AUGH WTF.

ALMA: *IS CREEPY*

KANDA: WHAT THE HELL YOU CAN'T JUST PUT THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING. OR DEAD.

FLASHBACK: *REARS ITS UGLY HEAD*

SHOTACON: HEY YU WHAT'S UP WHAT'S GOING ON MY NAMES ALMA YEAH IT'S A KINDA STUPID NAME LOLOLOL

FLASHBACK: *ENDS*

KANDA: WELL THAT WAS UNPLEASANT. GLAD IT'S OVER.

MAD CACKLING IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING.

HITLERWICK: *IS BORED BY ALL OF THIS*

BAK: DUDE. THERE IS A LEVEL FOUR TWO INCHES AWAY FROM YOU.

HITLERWICK: W/E I'M TOO STOIC FOR THIS SHIT.

EARL: WELL PERHAPS THIS EXPRESSION WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. 0|8DDD

EVERYONE EXCEPT HITLERWICK: *WET THEIR PANTS*

EARL: COME NOW, DANCING TIME! I AM A ROOSTER.

SHERYL: HEY STOP HOGGING ALL THE 'WHAT'. AHEM *POSES IN A WAY THAT WOULD MAKE HARD GAY HANG HIS HEAD IN SHAME* AREN'T WE STILL WAITING FOR ALLEN? WE USED KANDA AS BAIT AFTER ALL, AND THE FANFICTION I'VE READ HAS LED ME TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE LOVERS.

EARL: OF COURSE, I'M SURE WE CAN TRUST THE FANGIRLS NOT TO LEAD US ASTRAY. I AM STILL A ROOSTER, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE I CAN. OH, HERE HE COMES!

SHERYL: *ACTUAL LINE* COMING FROM BENEATH ME?

ME: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

ALLEN: RAAAAAH HOW DARE YOU HAVE ALMOST AN ENTIRE CHAPTER WITHOUT ME?!

JOHNNY: I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUUUU~

ALLEN: THAT'S GREAT. RETURN MY COMRA- OH. IT'S JUST KANDA?

EARL: *ACTUAL LINE* YOU CAME -HEART-

ME: THAT'S WHAT SHE SA-

ALLEN: WAIT, KANDA WAS YOUR BAIT?

EARL: UM… YES?

ALLEN:… FUCK THIS NOISE, I'M GOING BACK TO JORDAN.

SHERYL: WAIT! WE HAVE THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT TOO!

ALLEN: HM, YEAH, DON'T LOVE THEM.

JOHNNY: *HEART BREAKS*

SHERYL: AND THE BRANCH HEADS!

ALLEN: BAK'S A CREEPY STALKER AND I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TALKED TO THAT CHICK. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

SHERYL: UM, LEVERRIER?

ALLEN: HAH.

TYKI: I'M HERE!

ALLEN: *LEAVES*

SHERYL: NO, WAIT!

EARL: I HAVE HORNS.

ALLEN: WHAT?

EARL: HORNS.

ALLEN: I… OKAY.

SHERYL: HAH, GOT YOU. NOW YOU'RE STUCK HERE.

ALLEN: FFFF. CAN'T KANDA TAKE CARE OF THE RESCUE?

KANDA: I AM RELIVING MY MOST TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.

ALLEN: W/E. I SHOULD CARE WHY?

WISELY: CARE OR I WILL FORCE YOU TO SIT THROUGH HIS INCOMING FLASHBACK.

ALLEN: HAH, RIGHT.

WISELY: WITH ROAD MOLESTING YOU THE ENTIRE TIME.

ALLEN: NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY, THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BECOME CANON.

MORE MAD CACKLING IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING.

ALLEN:…. FU—