This is the first Saiunkoku Monogatari fic I've wrote but I hope you all like it anyway. It's a bit deep and I'm not the greatest writer in the world but I hope you'll enjoy it.
Sadly I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari but luckily I don't because if I did I would have shipped everybody ages ago and there would be no story to tell.
Three Times. Over the past four months I've talked to Ryuuki three times.
We're supposed to be lovers. Why, then? Why can't he spare even a minute to say hello? Why can't he spare even a second to look at me? He said he loved me. I loved him too.
Two months ago I confessed I loved him.
Two months ago I spent the greatest night of my entire life with him.
And two months ago...I fell pregnant.
I've tried countless times to tell him but it was always the same. I'd knock on his door, then open the door a crack and look inside. There was always someone inside there than Ryuuki, be it General Ran or some official I don't know. He'd sit there at his desk, the air of an emperor around him, the stale air that welcomed everybody but accepted no one. I'd introduce myself and state that I had something important to talk to the emperor about. It was at this point that I'd be ushered out.
Too busy to relax. Too busy to love.
It pained me to look at him; to look at those eyes I'd never gaze into again, to look at those lips I'd never kiss again, to look at those arms that would never embrace me again.
So long as he was emperor.
So long as his main priority was to support the country.
I have no right to say that he should put love first; I understand how important it is to be the emperor, the country first, then love; that's how it is.
He says he loves me. Bullshit. If he loved me he would've tried.
I said I loved him.
The last time I saw him was two weeks ago, at the cherry blossom trees where we first met. I saw him there, I was overcome by hope; hope that maybe, maybe he still loved me. I ran to him, I ran like my life depended on it, like any second he'd disappear into thin air taking his love for me with him.
When I reached him he was still staring at the tree in front of him, like he didn't realize I was there. I tried to speak but my voice came out in a whimper. He finally looked at me! Those amber eyes that I longed to look into were finally watching me again. I was so joyful I couldn't help but smile. He smiled too, but a pained smile that made mine drop.
Behind him I could see four officials running towards us.
Running to take him away again.
I didn't realize it but I had collapsed on the ground, I tried to reach out to Ryuuki, to be held by him again before I lost him. I needed to tell him before he was taken away again. I needed to tell him I was carrying his child. The closer they came, the more I felt my throat clench up, the more I felt it harder to breath, the more I felt my world caving in on me.
I tried to scream. Thinking maybe, maybe if I was loud enough he wouldn't leave me. I tried to scream. I tried, like I tried everything else. But my voice was choked with tears and nothing came out.
I couldn't help but cry. I cried year s worth of tears that I had held back all that time. The only sound that was heard was the sound of me crying and the harsh wind that seemed to whisk Ryuuki away but kept me bolted to the ground.
I looked up at Ryuuki through tear glazed eyes. Everything was blurred through the river of tears I was crying, but I saw Ryuuki clearly.
He was looking at me, his expression pained and worried, he tried to reach for me. Tried, I almost scoffed. The one time he finally tries and it's too late. The officials had reached us and were pulling Ryuuki away from me. To me I was just another girl who had fallen in love with the Emperor and was distracting him from his work.
Just another girl.
Just another girl who loved him.
Just a girl who he loved.
Just a girl who was carrying his child.
Could they really say that I was just another girl?
It was then that I realized it was pointless. That I realized I couldn't raise a child with an unreliable father like him, a father who was too busy with work to spare a glance at his family.
I wiped away my tears and tried to smile, I'm sure I looked pathetic then but isn't that what I am? I clung onto the last strand of hope that maybe he would love me again.
"Goodbye." I whispered.
It took all my might to say that one word. A small word it might be but it carried so much feeling. It marked the end of my ties to him. It marked that one strand of hope broken.
Hope is hard to destroy though. I placed all my hope in that one word; hope that he'd understand, hope that he'd look back at me, hope that he'd break out of the official's grip and run back to me.
The second that word left my mouth and nothing happened, I realized it was over.
I loved him.
I always will.
So I ran away. Uncharacteristic of me I know, but that's what love does to you. My entire life was changed by that man.
I thought I'd never fall in love, never have children.
But here I was, sitting in a small horse drawn carriage after just having my heart broken and carrying the child of the man I'd always love.
The man who said he loved me back.
The man who didn't try.
I decided I'd pour whatever was left of my love into my child. My child was connected to Ryuuki and through my child I believed my feelings would reach him.
I'm glad I have Seiran with me; my entire trust is placed in him. We're heading to Kou province where I hope to start a new life with my child. My father is staying in Kiyou; I don't want my decisions to hurt him. I told him I was going and he understood. I was going to start a new life with my child and Seiran; that was what I planned. My child would need a father and Seiran would take that role but I'd never love him, I couldn't, my love for Ryuuki was too strong.
I still love him.
That was eight years ago and I still love him. It pains me to think about him so I try not to but lately Kibou has begun to look more like his father.
Kibou is the child of Ryuuki and me. Seiran was the one who named him, Kibou meaning hope. I think it's a wonderful name and full of meaning. Hope really is hard to destroy. Like his name I believe Kibou will grow up to be a strong man who won't get easily hurt.
I'm still hopeful that Ryuuki loves me but it's been eight years since he's seen me. When we moved to Kou province we were invited into a side branch of the clan, I was the daughter of the oldest son, the daughter who gave birth before she was married, dishonourable but still family. My uncle, my father's youngest son was kind enough to invite me to the main house but many people objected.
A few years ago Ryuuki visited Kou province, when I heard he was here I tried to stay away as long as possible but I accidentally caught a glance of him as he visited the Kou main house. I stayed in my chamber for three days after, before being coaxed out by Kibou. Seiran said Ryuuki might have saw Kibou and him once but since nothing had happened after that we assumed it was nothing.
Kibou is seven years old now and everyday he looks more and more like Ryuuki. Whilst he has my black hair he has Ryuuki's eyes and looks just like him. I've showered him with love over the years which might be a bad thing but I can't help but love him. He's always glued to my side and although he's kind and sweet to Seiran and me but he's cold to anyone else.
It feels like we are a family and at first sight you would believe we were one. A few of the women here who are my friends have realized Seiran is not Kibou's real father but I've never told them who is.
I just hope Kibou never finds out he's the emperor's son.
But this isn't the real story. This is just a prologue, a beginning you may say to the real story.
The story that starts when Kibou finds out about the truth that he's Ryuuki's son. The story that starts when he sets off for Kiyou and the story that starts on that fateful day when he barged into the court room in a fit, yelling at the emperor and claiming to be his son.
Well how do you like the sound of this so far? I know I'm a horrible writer but please remember that I only just turned 14.
I'd like to know what you think of the back story and Kibou. I plan to make this story a bit lighter than it is now.
Remember the review button is your friend.