Disclaimer: I now own Kingdom Hearts. I talked to Xemnas about it and he told me it was all good.
Hey! It's Xero! And my first real crack! fic in a while. I started this before school started, and I just finished it about an hour ago while watching Buffy with some friends. I must thank Beaverleigh for letting me call Axel Fire Crotch. I found it quite amusing. I've been in a bit of a British mood lately, so there are a lot of Monty Python references. Let the deadly tale begin!
Forget everything you've been told about Organization XIII. Every last bit of information. Even the bit about how Saïx likes to sing The Lumberjack Song from that Monty Python sketch while he's in the shower. Okay, you can probably keep that one. But why am I telling you this?
Because everything that you've come to know about Organization XIII is false.
That's right, downright false. A lie. A sham. As fake as Xigbar's other eye.
Organization XIII, though it contains fourteen members, is generally thought of as the stereotypical "evil organization". Kinda like the Akatsuki of the Kingdom Hearts world. Well, not really, considering the fact that nearly everyone in the Akatsuki is dead whilst everyone in Organization XIII save for Roxas has bitten the dust. And Roxas doesn't exist anymore since he merged with Sora.
Wait a minute, Roxas technically didn't exist anyway since he was a Nobody. So wouldn't he not not exist anymore?
The point I'm trying to make is that everyone always makes Organization XIII out to be the bad guys. Okay, so they are kinda the bad guys if you're Sora and anyone else who is in support of the light. The plan of completing Kingdom Hearts didn't seem so bad from Xemnas' point of view. And Saïx was pretty hyped up about it as well.
I'm going off topic yet again.
I'm trying to say that Organization XIII isn't really evil in their eyes. They try to have some fun in between their many missions. This "fun" usually consists of watching old British comedies and challenging each other to duels.
Or, if you're Demyx and sometimes Axel, coming up with nicknames for every single bloody member of the Organization.
Demyx usually came up with these names while watching Monty Python sketches such as The Ministry of Silly Walks, which probably explains why many of these nicknames were absurd and ludicrous in nature. Such as Demyx's nickname for Lexaeus as Fish Lover after the Silent Hero bought seventy-two Black Mollies and thirty-one Angel Fish for the Giant Aquarium That Resided In The Conservatory That Never Was. And many members (Saïx and Larxene, undoubtedly) thought that he was insane when IX dubbed Axel as Fire Crotch, though other members (Xion and certainly Roxas) found it quite amusing. And let us not forget the day when Demyx started calling Marluxia Pretty Boy Marly after hearing the crazed botanist singing songs by Bob Marly.
So the members of Organization XIII shouldn't have been surprised when Demyx came up with a nickname for Zexion, his boyfriend of several non-existent years, even though he himself didn't actually come up with it. The Melodious Nocturne and the Cloaked Schemer had just returned from a mission in the Beast's Castle to find that most of the members of the Organization were watching all of the Lord of the Rings movies back to back in the Lounge That Never Was Part VII. Well, Roxas and Xion weren't really paying attention. XIII and XIV were challenging each other in World of Warcraft and weren't really paying attention to the fantasy trilogy. Xigbar kept making comments on how elves were better than the dwarves, which Lexaeus kept protesting about. Larxene, being obsessed with Legolas and Aragorn, yelled constantly at II and V about their argument, which only got Axel mad, since he was trying to pay attention to the movie.
"Why is everyone in here?" Demyx asked in that high-pitched voice of his.
"We're executing Stalin. Would you like to join us?" the sarcasm was clear in Axel's voice.
"Gosh, really?" Demyx flopped down on the couch, dragging Zexion with him.
"Dem, you can't tell when he's joking?" Xion raised an eyebrow.
"Sometimes I can." Demyx said.
"Demyx, when you think I'm being sarcastic, I'm usually telling the truth." Axel said, walking over to his boyfriend and Xion to see how their match was going.
"You're very hard to read." Zexion supplied, seeing that his boyfriend was at a loss for words.
"He has a point, Axel." Lexaeus commented.
"I'm not that bad." Axel said.
"You kind of are, Axel." Roxas said, gazing up at the pyro.
"Oh, shut up." Axel flicked the blonde in the back of the head.
"Are you all going to be shutting up sometime soon?" Larxene demanded.
"Larxene, you've seen these a thousand times." Xion said. "You've memorized pretty much every word."
"But I still want to watch them." Larxene snapped, leaving the room.
"If she wanted to watch them, why did she leave?" Demyx frowned.
"One of life's many mysteries, Demyx." Axel said, sitting down on an orange leather sofa and pulling out his DS.
"Larxene herself is a mystery." Xigbar nodded.
"Like you aren't, Xiggy?" Axel's peridot eyes were on the gun otaku.
"How am I a mystery, Axel?" Xigbar wanted to know.
"Well, I don't see how any sane person could go firing off a million rounds of ammo at two in the morning." Axel replied.
"That's only when I can't sleep." Xigbar retorted.
"It's a small wonder you're still functioning, then." Lexaeus quipped.
"If you can't sleep that often, then there's something wrong with you." Roxas said.
"Zexy reads every waking hour of the day, yet no one considers that weird?" Xigbar challenged.
"No insulting Zexy!" Demyx yelled rather loudly.
"And why not?" Xion wondered, her duel with Roxas all but forgotten.
"He's sexy." Demyx said matter-of-factly.
"I hope you know that's not a real reason." Lexaeus said.
"Sexy Zexy!" Axel burst out laughing. "That's priceless, Demyx!"
"But I didn't say that." Demyx frowned.
"You might as well have." Zexion said. "We all know how Axel's brain works by now."
"In strange, mysterious ways." Roxas said.
"And you'd know that better than anyone else, wouldn't you?" Xigbar's eye found the blonde neophyte.
"Zexion, I don't think you're going to live this down." Xion told the Cloaked Schemer.
"Probably not." Zexion shook his head.
Xemnas sat alone in his office on the third floor of the Castle That Never Was That Could Quite Possibly Be The Hideout For The Russian Mafia, trying to figure out which Nobody to assign to what mission. Lexaeus always performed well on his espionage missions, so Xemnas decided to send him with Xaldin to the Beast's Castle to find out new information about the Beast. He assigned Larxene to Wonderland to destroy a giant Heartless, since he figured the Savage Nymph would use the time to get the violence out of her system by creating a mini-genocide that involved the population of chipmunks. Axel and Roxas were assigned to Traverse Town to eliminate Heartless and Luxord was already in Port Royal with Marluxia on a reconnaissance mission, so Xemnas' work was pretty much done. Vexen was already working on creating a device that would destroy the entirety of the Space Paranoids, since Xemnas had long since grown bored with the computer-based world and Saïx was in Hollow Bastion causing general chaos and paranoia, so all was taken care of.
The paranoid leader of the Organization was about to watch Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street on his brand new seventy-two inch plasma-screen TV when a loud explosion rocked the Castle, which is quite a feat to boast about when the Castle was so big that it could easily be a world of its own. Storming out of the room, Xemnas marched down to the Lab That Never Was where he found Vexen standing behind a lab table dissecting a llama.
"What was that explosion, Vexen?" Xemnas roared. "This better have something to do with your mission!"
"Does it look like I'm working on that right now?" Vexen gestured to the carcass of the llama before him.
"Which is why- wait, it wasn't you?" Xemnas frowned, clearly as confused as all get out. "For once, you aren't the cause of an explosion?"
"More often than not, it's Axel." Vexen replied coldly.
"I'd say it's about even." Xemnas said. "So where is Axel?"
"How would I know?" Vexen shrugged. "I just got done crossbreeding a flamingo and a dragonfly."
"Didn't need to know that..." Xemnas looked rather repulsed.
"Well, you asked." Vexen replied.
"All right, I'll just have to go find him myself." Xemnas said, turning on his heels and storming up to the main level of the Castle.
After reaching The Giant Atrium That Never Existed Before, Xemnas stopped to think. Where was Axel when he wasn't on his missions? Usually banging Roxas under the couch in the Lounge That Never Was Part LXVI, but when Xemnas marched up to the room in question and looked under the couch, he found only dust bunnies, loose change, and some random cough drops that probably belonged to Xaldin. After determining that the Flurry of Dancing Flames was not in his room, Xemnas decided to do the unavoidable: search every single room until he found the deranged pyro.
Though he didn't find Axel, Xemnas did find Marluxia watching lesbian porn, Saïx arm-wrestling Lexaeus (guess who was winning?) and Larxene playing Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Revenge. But since he didn't find Axel, Xemnas' search was considered useless and, therefore, a waste of time.
Deciding that enough was enough, Xemnas headed to the kitchen so he could enjoy a bowl of ramen. As soon as he entered the kitchen, Roxas stepped inside from the Porch That Shouldn't Exist, looking rather annoyed.
"Roxas, where is Axel?" Xemnas asked, figuring that Axel's boyfriend would have a better idea of the pyro's whereabouts.
"In the yard." Roxas said, walking right past I.
Upon stepping outside, Xemnas discovered that all of the dying grass that had covered the lawn had bitten the dust. And I mean that quite literally because it had been reduced to ash, probably the result of a fiery outburst from a certain individual who was MIA. After a short period of time, Xemnas saw Axel standing next to what appeared to be a rocket launcher.
"Axel, why do you have a rocket launcher?" Xemnas queried as he gazed upon the gargantuan creation before him.
"I stole it from Xigbar." Axel grinned.
"That doesn't tell me why you have it." Xemnas folded his arms across his chest, waiting for an answer from the Flurry of Dancing Flames.
"Why else would I have a rocket launcher?" Axel raised his eyebrows.
"Who knows with you?" Xemnas questioned. "What would Larxene use with a giant whiteboard?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Axel wondered.
"It doesn't matter!" Xemnas yelled so loudly that the Yugoslavians could hear him as if he was speaking through a megaphone.
"Of course it does!" Axel protested, the rocket launcher all but forgotten.
"That's not that point!" Xemnas roared.
"Than what the hell is?!" Axel yelled.
"Why do you have a rocket launcher!?" Xemnas bellowed.
"Because I wanted to launch it!" Axel screamed.
"And why would you want to launch a rocket?!" Xemnas hollered.
"Because I felt like it!" Axel yelled. "Must I have a reason for everything?!"
"Yes, you do!" Xemnas shrieked.
"And why is that, Superior?!" Axel yelled, figuring he might as well be polite while he was having a screaming match with Number I.
"Because you're usually the one who comes up with the stupid ideas!" Xemnas screeched.
"I do not!" Axel yelled in protest.
"Then how do you explain ruining Zexion's Viking book?!" Xemnas roared.
"It was an accident!" Axel shrieked.
"You call throwing it into the sewer an accident?!" Xemnas bellowed.
"Demyx pushed me!" Axel shouted.
At that point, a window on the sixth floor opened and Larxene poked her head out so see what was causing the noise.
"Why the fucking hell are you guys yelling?!" Larxene screamed.
"You're yelling too, bitch!" Axel yelled back.
"Shut up, asshole!" Larxene hollered.
"We're yelling because Axel wanted to use Xigbar's rocket launcher!" Xemnas yelled an explanation.
"Why the fuck would you do that?!" Larxene screamed.
"Why the hell do I have to have a reason for everything?!" Axel yelled.
Apparently Larxene wasn't the only one to hear VIII and I yelling. Demyx poked his head out from a window on the third floor and exclaimed, "Why are you guys yelling?"
"Shut up, Demyx!" Larxene and Axel screamed.
Several hours after the Epic Screaming Match, as Xaldin later dubbed it, the Castle was enveloped in silence, which was even quieter when one compared it to Axel, Xemnas and later Larxene's yelling.
I needn't mention that that a silent Castle isn't a good thing. The last time the Castle was quiet, Saix went Berserk and tried to storm the Castle with a bulldozer.
That'd be interesting to see, huh?
There was one room that wasn't quiet. Not in the least. Then again, is there ever a quiet moment when you get a bunch of Nobodies together to watch hockey?
And that is exactly what was happening. Lexaeus, Xigbar, Roxas, Axel and Xaldin had gathered in the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXVI watching a hockey game between the teams for Port Royal and Agrabah. Roxas wasn't really paying attention, since he was only there because Axel had forced him to watch the game. Instead, the Key of Destiny decided to work on finishing his new game for the DS.
"Roxas, why aren't you watching?" Xigbar asked.
"I don't like hockey." Roxas said.
"So why are you here?" Xaldin said, not taking his eyes off of the TV.
"Axel." Roxas said as he glared at his megalomaniacal boyfriend.
"Hey, I told you I was making you come." Axel said, his peridot eyes on the blonde.
"Yeah, but I didn't say I'd watch the game, now did I?" Roxas replied.
"That was sort of implied, babe." Axel said as the TV started to show random commercials.
At that point, Saïx entered the room, which caused the room to become silent save for the TV, which was proclaiming that a certain hair-growth product was being recalled.
"What now, Saïx?" Xigbar demanded.
"There's going to be a meeting in five minutes." Saïx announced.
"Why does he always do this?!" Axel exclaimed, referring to Xemnas' uncanny knack to schedule meetings during popular social events.
"Because he's Xemnas?" Xigbar shrugged."Why else?"
"Because he wants us to have no social life?" Roxas shrugged.
"That's probably true." Xaldin nodded.
Several long, boring, and tiring hours later, Organization XIII was still in the Room Where Nothing Gathers, listening to the mind-numbing voice of Xemnas prattle on about the heart of all hearts. Meanwhile, few members of the Organization were actually awake. And by few I mean Saïx and sometimes Zexion, since the Cloaked Schemer was halfway between sleep and consciousness.
However, the rest of Organization XIII had succumbed to the disease known as sleep. Vexen was the first to fall asleep, since he had been working on bringing Henry Fitzroy and Rockefeller back from the dead until the early hours of the morning. Zexion had been reading a copy of the D volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, but since VI was now borderline-sleeping, this wasn't happening much. Demyx was sleep-singing Walking in the Air. In Tarja's key.
Now for those of you who have heard anything by Nightwish, you know that Tarja can sing very, very high. Can you imagine Demyx singing this high?
I can't either.
Xemnas was a tad fed up with the lack of attention he was receiving. Fortunately, though, he had a plan.
Number I sent a glance towards Saïx, who randomly pulled out a giant iHome with Axel's iPod plugged in.
Now I'm not sure about you, but I'm not sure I'd want to steal Axel's iPod. That's like stealing Zexion's dictionary; not something you'd want to do.
In any case, the Luna Diviner started going through the music on Axel's iPod, specifically the Japanese metal. After going through many songs, Saïx decided on playing the beginning of Break Down by Girugamesh.
Well, if Japanese metal won't wake someone up, I don't know what will. Certainly not an army of panzers storming the London streets at three in the morning or anything else as loud.
As soon as the music started, everyone woke up instantaneously. Xion jumped so high that she almost hit her head on the ceiling. Luxord started yelling something about losing a poker game to a Chihuahua. Xigbar jerked his head back and whacked his head on the back of his seat and Lexaeus woke up screaming, "The pandas are killing the bunnies!"
Xemnas and Saïx looked at each other with very confused expressions. Then, taking Xemnas' expression as a cue, Saïx turned the music off, causing silence to envelope the room once more. Well, relative silence.
Oh, come on. Is the Organization ever quiet?
"What in sodding hell was that about?!" Axel yelped in protest.
"You all need to wake up." Saïx said.
"Okay, who wants to bring up something?" Xemnas asked the question that always signalled the end of the meeting.
"I vote that we end this meeting." Zexion suggested.
"Not unless someone brings up something." Xemnas said.
"What?" Roxas looked at the Superior in alarm. "We always end the meetings if no one brings up something!"
"Well, as of today, Roxas," Xemnas began ",the meeting will not end until someone brings up something."
"What kind of mental thing is that?" Larxene demanded.
"I have been noticing a lack of participation in the Organization and I suggested that it be mandatory." Saïx said.
"Saïx, you will burn for this." Axel said, glaring at VII with murderous intent.
"Why thank you, Axel." Saïx said, glaring right back.
"So who wants to bring up something?" Xemnas asked.
"Can Demyx stop setting up water clones across the Castle?" Xigbar asked.
"I'll vote for that." Luxord nodded in agreement.
"Wait, Luxord, are you actually sober?" Xaldin asked in amazement.
"It would appear so." Zexion had started reading again.
"Write this down, Superior!" Lexaeus exclaimed. "We're making history today!"
"Oh, shut it." Luxord snapped.
"Demyx, you cannot set up water clones across the Castle." Xemnas said to IX, who had summoned his sitar and was playing Drowning Lessons.
"Come on, Superior!" Demyx exclaimed. "That's a bit harsh, huh?"
"Of course it isn't!" Larxene snapped. "I don't like getting electrocuted sixty times a day!"
"No one asked you." Axel yawned, obviously bored with the conversation.
"Zexy, they're being mean!" Demyx wailed.
"Sexy Zexy can't do anything about it, Demyx." Axel said, causing balls of fire to spin around in the middle of the gargantuan room.
"Sexy Zexy?" Xemnas frowned, obviously confused with where the conversation had gone.
"Axel gave Zexion a nickname." Xion explained.
"Axel, why did you give Zexion a nickname?" Xaldin wondered.
"Because he's strange like that?" Roxas said.
"I wouldn't insult your boyfriend, Roxas." Xigbar said, flicking a stray bullet in the air.
"Oh, it's okay." Roxas said. "He couldn't hurt me."
"He's right." Axel nodded. "I couldn't."
"Moving on..." Saïx said.
"But why in the world would Axel give Zexion a nickname?" Xemnas was genuinely confused.
"I just said that he was sexy." Demyx said.
"And Axel's warped brain went haywire." Lexaeus said.
"It did not!" Axel protested.
"It did and you know it." Roxas said.
"It always goes crazy." Marluxia said randomly. "When does it not?"
"So can we go, Superior?" Larxene asked randomly.
"On what grounds, Larxene?" Saïx asked.
"On the grounds that someone brought up something." Larxene said.
"Oh." Saïx said.
"Well, I suppose we can end the meeting." Xemnas said.
"It's about bloody time." Luxord said.
"Oh, what do you have to do that's so important?" Marluxia questioned.
"Poker." Luxord grinned.
"Well, I'm calling this meeting to an end." Xemnas said.
"About time." Axel said, jumping down from his insanely high chair.
"Come on, Sexy Zexy." Demyx said.
Zexion gave his boyfriend a shocked look and said, "Come on, Demyx! Not you too!"
Lame ending, I know. I hope it was at least a little interesting? Possibly maybe? No? Ah well. I have a month-long break in two weeks after finals, so let me know if you want something written! Reviews equal love! Xero out.