Okay, I am trying a semi-fantasy. It is gonna be AWFUL, just so ya know. I am almost positive that this will make NO sense to you, it's just the result of me waxing philisophical with someone earlier. So, again, my profuse apologies for putting you throught this. Oh, and it's almost exclusively Chandler. Hey, you were warned.


Season Five-ish


"The Kip Factor"

Chandler sat down on the steps leading to the apartment building, and sighed heavily, silently letting stinging tears run down his face. He'd just had a horrible fight with Monica, probably the worst they'd ever had. Chandler shook his head. He couldn't even remember what had started the fight. In the end, it didn't matter, because it wasn't the fight so much that had upset him...it was the last thing Monica had said to him, before he ran from the apartment.

"I knew this was a bad idea."

A bad idea. She knew that *they* were a bad idea, that's what she meant. If she knew, then why did she agree to break the "not-New York" rule? And why did she wait until he was in love with her to tell him that it was a bad idea?

Oh, God, he was in love with her.

This was bad, this was very, very bad. This was exactly what Monica had been trying to avoid, right? Ruining their friendship because of some drunken, carnal pleasure? Was she right? Had they lost each other's most valueble friendships? There was no way that he could be around her if they broke up. And he would be the one that would have to leave. Ross is her brother, and Rachel, her best friend. He would become The Kip. He'd leave, and soon, he'd be forgotten. Just like Kip. I mean, sure, they'd promise to call or write or visit, but in the end, their loyalties would lay with her. Chandler put his head in his hands.

"Do you want to see it?" came a voice standing above him.

Chandler lifted his head from his hands, and looked up at the stranger.

"See what?"

"See what it would be like, if you were The Kip."

"What? Have I been thinking out loud? Who the hell are you?"

"Do you want to see it, or not?" came the reply.

"I...guess?" Chandler shrugged.

"Fine, come on then," the strange little man with the strange accent said.

Chandler followed the man up the steps to the second floor.

"Oh, I don't wanna go back in there. My girlfriend will yell at me."

"She's not your girlfriend anymore. And she can't see you."


"Just come on."

The man and Chandler walked into the apartment, and Chandler was shocked to see that it was full of people. Above the window, there was a banner that read, "Happy New Year 2000". Chandler saw Ross and Phoebe talking to Joey. Joey seemed upset over something. Chandler moved closer, so that he could hear the conversation.

"It's not fair! I mean, we were only at Chandler's for, like two hours! He's gonna be all alone at midnight!"

"Well, maybe a couple of us should go back," Phoebe suggested.

"We can't Pheebs," Ross said, "You know how Monica will get. Look, they've only been apart for a few months. Maybe things will be better next year."

"I guess," Joey relented.

Chandler turned to the stranger. "So what am *I* doing right now?"

In the blink of an eye, Chandler found himself standing in the center of a small, dark apartment, staring at a drunken, haggard version of himself.

"Geez," he muttered.

"Yep, you are pretty pathetic," the stranger said.

"Okay, but this isn't gonna happen, right? Monica will forgive me, and we'll be fine."

"Forgive you? What did you do?"

"I--I don't know, but it was probably bad. Plus, if I just apologize--"

"Okay, but what if you don't? I mean, technially, she was just as wrong as you. And just as right as you."

"You are making NO sense to me."

"Whatever. All I'm saying is that the world does not revolve around you, Chandler. You wondered what would happen if you became the Kip, and I showed you what you wanted to see. Your friends were visibly upset by the fact that you were not there to celebrate New Years with them."

"Wait, you lost me. We were talking about apologizing, and suddenly I am some kind of narcissist?"

"Everyone does this. They sit around, feeling sorry for themselves, wondering what life would be like without them. What's the point? You can't control how others are going to live or react to your decisions."

"I wasn't trying to--"

"But you were. In your head, you had that New Year's scenario all worked out."

"Would you get out of my head, please!"


"Ugh," Chandler shook his head.

"Look, the scenario I just showed you--yeah, it could happen. Your friends care a lot about you. But they aren't gonna dwell on the fact that you chose to ostercize yourself. They have their own lives to worry about. In the end, it'll turn out more like this:"

Chandler finds himself once again in Monica and Rachel's apartment. The banner above the window reads "Happy New Year, 2002".

"Wow, Rachel put on some weight," Chandler said softly.

"She's pregnant you idiot," the stranger replied.

"Oh. Who's the uh--"


"They got back together?"

"Well, for one night they did. They are just friends."

"Is th-that Richard Burke?"

"Yeah. Monica ran into him a couple of years ago, and again last year. They're getting married."


"Not as heartbroken as you were hoping she'd be?"

"No...I mean, I'm glad that she's happy. Really."

"I know you are. But deep down, you wonder why it couldn't have been you."

"Where am I, by the way?"

Again, Chandler and the stranger shift locations, and are now standing in a large cemetary, overlooking a tombstone that reads, "Chandler M. Bing 1969-2001"

"I'm dead??"

"As a doornail."

"That sucks!"

"You drank yourself to death. Not very glamourous. And not very pretty. You choked on your own vomit."


"I know!"

"So, uh, I mean--"

"Who came to your funeral? Your Mom, your Dad, your old boss Doug, and Janice."

"What about the others?"

"They were in Las Vegas. They didn't know about it."

"Why were they in Las Vegas?"


"Oh. Did they ever find out?"

"Yeah. They all shook their heads and shared a few fond memories. Only Joey has visited your-uh-grave."

"He did?"

"Yeah, but only once. He felt weird about it and all."

"You make it sound like they didn't care about me at all."

"They did, Chandler, they loved you, a lot. But you can only grieve for a loss for so long. And since you'd left a year and a half earlier, they had already grieved your loss. They were all very sad that you were dead. But this isn't "Days of Our Lives". They aren't gonna sit around in therapy and pine over you for ten years."

"Well, this is just mean. I really don't think you have any idea what you're talking about."

"Really? Tell me something, Chandler. Were you and Kip close?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"When was the last time you talked to Kip?"

"I--uh, I don't know. It's been a while."

"Would you say, five, even six years?"

"At least."

"Come here," the stranger led Chandler down a darkened path, and pointed toward another headstone.

"Oh my God," Chandler said, staring at the grave in shock.

"He was killed in a car accident three years ago."

"I had no idea."


"So, what are you trying to tell me here?"

"Does this look like an AfterSchool Special? There is no moral here, Chandler. I am showing you what could be."

"But why?"

"Because you were wondering! I'm not a guru, I'm just here to show you your alternate universe."

"You are one weird little man."

"Hey, no one twisted your arm Bing. Now go mope on your stoop. Your girlfriend is about to come out."

Chandler blinked, and found himself back on the steps of the apartment building.

"Chandler, are you okay?" Monica was standing over him, her arms folded.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, I guess."

"Well, why don't you come back inside. It's getting cold out."

"Yeah. Monica?"


"Do you really think us dating is a bad idea?"

"Is that what you though I meant? Sweetie," Monica crouched down and cocked her head to the side, "you've been out here all this time thinking that I regretted being with you?"

Chandler shrugged.

"Oh, honey! What I meant was that it was a bad idea bringing up the conversation! You were in such a bad mood when you got home, I should have just left well enough alone."

"So, you aren't gonna make a Kip out of me?"

"I don't know what that means, but no. Now come inside, I want some make-up sex!"


Chandler searched the graveyard, and finally found the spot he'd been searching for. And sure enough, Kip was really there.

"Hey, Kip," Chandler said to the ground. "I just wanted to tell you that...I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch, and that...you really did mean something to me. Anyway, uh, I just--I just wanted you to know."

Chandler stood up and wandered toward the spot where he and the stranger had stood. He sighed with relief when he saw that the spot that used to house his body was already occupied.

"Thank God," he sighed, and wandered out of the cemetary.


AN: See, I told you.