Never Shower With a Weasley by WeasleyForMe
Hermione and George have some very exciting news to share with the Weasley family. During their time of joy, Molly manages to scare the living daylights out of her daughter-in-law. Rated M for adult themes, not smut. This is a gift for remuslives! Happy Birthday!
I adopted this fic idea from GrandeVanillaSkimLatte and Panny... thanks ladies!
Thanks to Clover Bay for beta reading and helping me think of ways to make this story even more ridiculous!
George rolled over in his bed to find a cold spot where is wife should be. "Not again," he groaned as he sat up and let his legs fall over the edge of the mattress. He stood and scratched his bare chest, and a glance at the alarm clock told him it was half past five in the morning. Gingerly he padded down the hallway toward the stream of light escaping through the nearly closed bathroom door. He leaned himself against the frame as he pushed the door open, revealing his wife lying on the cool, tiled floor.
"This is getting ridiculous, Hermione," he scolded, crossing his arms over his chest. "You've been sick for almost a week now."
Hermione cracked one eye open to see him standing in his dragon-printed boxer shorts with a look of warning on his face. She opened her mouth to speak, but was overcome by another wave of nausea. George managed lunge and catch her stray strands of hair just in time as she perched her head over the toilet.
Hermione wiped her lips with toilet paper as George went to get her a glass of water. "I don't know how I have any food matter left in my stomach," she croaked upon his return, letting her limp body slide back into a laying position on the bathroom floor.
George flushed the toilet and took a seat on the floor next to her. "I'm taking you to the St. Mungo's tomorrow, and you will see a Healer."
"I'll be fine. It's just a bug. It will pass." She tried to sound convincing, but her voice cracked, and she sounded more like a child trying to assure a parent that they were well enough to play Quidditch.
"What if you have the Dragon Pox?" George asked, running his cool fingers along her forehead.
"Well, then I would rather not know," she replied, nuzzling into his hand. "Besides, I don't have the purple splotches or constant itching."
George pulled her onto his lap, his face crinkling with concern. "I'm still taking you to a Healer," he warned, scooping her up in his arms and carrying her back to their bed.
Several hours later, Hermione found herself wearing a garish green hospital gown while Healer Sprockly and a healing technician poked and prodded her with wands and filled her with potions, trying to determine the source of her sickness.
"Well, Mrs. Weasley, I've recorded as much data as I can," her Healer promised. "Why don't you go ahead and put your clothes back on, and you and your husband can meet me in my office to discuss what I have found." With that, the older woman and her technician bustled out of the room, giving her some privacy.
She held George's hand lightly as they waited in overstuffed chairs for her Healer to arrive.
"I doubt they found anything. I tried to tell you it was just a little stomach bug," Hermione said.
George pulled her fingers up to meet his lips. "Better safe than sorry where you're concerned, love."
Just as Hermione was about to stand and give him a proper kiss, Healer Sprockly entered her office and took a seat at her desk. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Hermione's heart started to pound, and she felt George's grasp on her hand tighten suddenly. "Tell me the bad news," she whispered.
"I don't think there is any way to relieve your stomach sickness at this time," Healer Sprockly informed them.
Hermione's face fell further. "And the good news?"
The Healer beamed as she looked from Hermione to George and back to Hermione. "The good news is that you'll likely be sick to your stomach for a few more weeks because the two of you are expecting!"
Hermione's eyes doubled in size and her mouth hung loosely open.
"Wait, what?" George asked, thoroughly confused. "Expecting? Expecting what?" He turned to look at his wife who was staring straight at the Healer.
"Expecting a baby!" Sprockly exclaimed joyously. Instantly, George was staring at her as well.
"A ba-ba-baby?" he asked. He turned to face his wife and took her face in his palms.
She looked into his eyes, completely terrified. "A baby," she confirmed in the faintest of whispers.
George's bewildered look turned to utter happiness. "Hermione, we made a baby! Oh my sweet Merlin, we're going to be parents!" he yelled, pulling her to her feet and picking her up in hug.
The Healer cleared her throat, and George took his seat once more, but this time he pulled Hermione onto his lap. "The baby should be here in about eight and a half months, because I determined the time of conception to be about two and a half weeks ago. It's too early to tell the baby's sex, but we can tell you that your due date should be right around the twenty-sixth of February. Now, I'm going to sign you up for appointments with a maternity Healer, but feel free to sit and have a talk for a few minutes if you'd like before you see yourselves out." She stood to leave, but turned back with a motherly glint in her eye. "Congratulations!" And she was gone.
"George, are we ready for this?" Hermione whispered as soon as they were alone. "We've only been married for ten months."
Smiling brilliantly, George kissed her cheek seven times before saying, "I love you, and I know I'm ready, and I know you'll be a fantastic mum, so yes, I'd say we're ready! A baby! Can you believe this?!" He spread his hand out over Hermione's still-flat tummy, and his smile grew bigger.
A smile finally crept onto Hermione's face as she mused aloud. "Two and a half weeks ago. Hmm… what were we doing two and a half weeks ago?"
George smiled slyly. "I'll bet it was the morning that you lure me out of bed to take a shower with you. You made us both late for work, you saucy witch!"
Hermione crossed her arms. "Well, I hardly had to lure you, George Weasley! In fact, I think that making love in the shower was your idea!"
"You're probably right, love," he conceded with a wink. "Now how about we go home and celebrate?" he asked before kissing and nipping at her neck, causing his wife to erupt into giggles as they left the office.
Hermione had spent several days coming to terms with the fact that they were going to be parents, and the idea didn't seem as scary as it had while they were at St. Mungo's. In fact, George's enthusiasm seemed to be spreading, and she could hardly wait to make their announcement to their loved ones.
Sunday arrived after a few more days of morning sickness for Hermione and a lot more excitement from George. As usual, the entire Weasley clan was to gather for dinner together at the Burrow, and George and Hermione were planning on announcing their pregnancy to everyone. They hoped everyone would be excited; obviously Molly and Arthur were loving grandparent-hood, and Bill and Fleur's children would get to have cousins.
Hermione was especially excited to share the news with Ginny and Harry, and it was taking all of George's willpower to stop himself from apparating into Fred and Angelina's living room to tell them. It was a little ironic that both of the twins would have wives who were pregnant at the same time. However, Angelina was due in less than a month, much to Molly's delight.
Shortly after arriving at the Burrow, dinner was served. "Hermione, you are positively glowing tonight," Molly Weasley mused as she passed the salad across the table. "You and George just look so delighted!" She smiled happily at them as Fleur and Ginny agreed with her, while all of the men plowed beef brisket and green bean casserole into their mouths.
Hermione blushed and reached for George's hand under the table. He leaned in to kiss her cheek and whispered, "We'll tell everybody right before dessert."
"So, Hermione, how are things in the Department of Magical Education?" Percy asked from the other end of the table, and Hermione and the Weasleys fell into a discussion about work, politics and family.
Just as Molly silently slipped out of her chair to remove the dinner plates and serve her world famous carrot cake, George interrupted the various conversations which were going on. "Hermione and I have an announcement to make."
Molly sank back down into her chair, a look of excitement creeping onto her face. A swarm of redheads and their spouses turned to face George as he wrapped his arm around his wife and pulled her closer to him. Every eye was glued on the pair as they shared a private look. "We're going to have a baby," George proclaimed to everyone as Hermione smiled brilliantly.
"Another grandbaby!" Molly shrieked as Fred positively launched himself out of his chair to pull his twin into bear hug. Fleur clapped her hands before tossing her gorgeous hair to the side and leaning in to kiss Bill. Ginny was on her feet jumping up and down before Harry could even comprehend that his best friend was pregnant, and Ron's jaw was hanging down so far, he looked like he was trying to bite a hippogriff. As Angelina reached across the table to squeeze Hermione's hand, Charlie and Percy erupted into a loud "Congratulations!"
Fred laughed happily. "You know that the Weasley men are known to get the job done. Didn't we end up pregnant the first time we tried, sweetie?" he asked Angelina.
She glared back at Fred. "Too much information, sweetie," she hissed.
Fred ignored his wife's anger and said, "I'll bet you two shagged in the shower, didn't you? That's how it happened for us. Seems to be the magic spot for Weasleys, isn't that right, Bill?"
Bill winked at Fred and George, and all three of them received smacks from their wives. Fleur threatened to ban her husband from the shower, and he had the decency to look slightly remorseful.
Arthur stood at the head of the table and wiped a tear from his eye. "I couldn't ask for a better family, and I'm so happy for you both." He walked around the long table and pulled his son and daughter-in-law into a hug.
Once Hermione was released, she felt herself being pulled away from the table. "Come with me dear, and we'll have a heart-to-heart," Molly told her, taking her by the hand. Hermione shot a frightened look at George, but he merely smiled as his mother pulled her out of the dining room. She missed the commiserating looks that Fleur and Angelina sent her way.
"Now just have a seat right here, Hermione," Molly said as she pushed her toward the plush armchair in the living room. Hermione plopped down as her mother-in-law pulled the ottoman up directly in front of the chair. "I'm going to share my advice and all of my lovely memories with you, dear."
Hermione tried to smile, but she suddenly felt very nervous alone with Molly. It was probably because of the hungry look in her eyes and the way she seemed to already know why Hermione was glowing.
"This is a beautiful time for you, and I hope you'll enjoy this new journey in your life. I'm so pleased that you and George didn't wait ages to get pregnant," she informed Hermione. "There's nothing better than a healthy sex drive, I always say!"
Hermione paled and tried to sink back further in the plush chair. "I, well, we…"
"You know that the Weasley genes are very strong, and when it was time, it was certainly the right time! There's really no control over it, dear. Actually, Arthur and I conceived Charlie while we were using a contraceptive charm," Molly whispered, although there was nobody else in the living room to hear them. "It was simply as if his seed knew it needed to find me," she added, shaking her head happily at the memory.
Hermione thought she was going to be ill. Too much information, indeed.
"It's just that-" Hermione tried to speak, but was cut off.
"Oh, Bill was by far my worst pregnancy. I think I had morning sickness even after that child was born," she laughed. "And he was so large. Hurt like hex, that boy did! I had swollen feet and ankles for ages. He nearly scared me into celibacy!"
Hermione was starting to become completely terrified.
"And Ginny. Well, don't let them fool you when they say that pregnancies are easier when you're carrying a girl! She just didn't seem to want to be born! I had to carry her for an extra month!"
Hermione's hands found their way to her belly. Nine months would be plenty; she didn't relish the idea of carrying the child for ten!
"Percy was an interesting pregnancy as well. My back was aching so badly, I had to sleep on a garden bench that Arthur carried into the house for me. I could barely stand up at all. It was a good thing I didn't have to work. Of course, once your baby is born, you'll want to take a few years off from working to stay home and raise him or her. Maybe you'll even stay home permanently," Molly said, eyes shining happily.
Hermione leaned forward in the chair. "No, I'd like to work-"
"You may think so now, dear, but once the baby arrives, you'll see just how much work it is. And the breast feeding will take up so much of your time. Oh, and when you aren't feeding, the seeping from your swollen breasts might become irritating. But that's one of the joys of motherhood, Hermione, you'll get used to it, and people will stop staring soon enough."
Panic had set in completely. Hermione sat wide eyed and silent, wondering what further horror she would be subjected to hearing.
"Ron was probably the easiest of my pregnancies. Except for the near constant migraines and the dizziness. Oh, but it was after Ronald that I really got the stretch marks. They were bad on my belly and breasts, but the stretch marks on my rear end were just awful! But, you won't have to worry the tiniest bit about that; George will love you forever, no matter how deformed your skin may look." Molly smiled at Hermione, hoping to convey that there was no need to fret. Pregnancy was a wonderful thing.
Hermione opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to speak, but coming up very short. If she was uneasy about becoming a mother before, now she was ready to march herself to St. Mungo's and have them find a way to reverse the entire thing!
"I didn't even mention Fred and George!" Molly exclaimed. Hermione wished that she wouldn't. "Well, we knew they were both boys, and we were just so very excited for twins! But can you believe that I pushed and pushed and grunted and heaved for nineteen hours before George even budged? Neither of them seemed to want to leave the womb first and leave the other alone! They really always did treasure their time together. Eventually though, I was able to push George out, but he certainly put up a good fight! But next thing I knew, I coughed and out came Fred!" She erupted into laughter at her own story.
Hermione held up a hand, begging, pleading for the woman to stop. "I don't want to hear any-"
"Of course not, dear, and trust me, I know what you're worried about. But the answer is yes, sex does still feel spectacular after you give birth."
Hermione whimpered audibly, mortified by the change in topic.
"You might want to try some new positions at that point, you know, for variety. One good one is called The Prancing Bullfrog. You can look it up in the wizarding Kama Sutra. Oh, and Fred was right about the shower… that's where we conceived both Percy and Ronald!"
Suddenly Hermione wished she had never used the shower at the Burrow, and she knew for a fact that no memory charm would be able to make her forget this conversation.
"Well, I think that's about enough for one night. I don't want you getting too excited!" Hermione simply deadpanned while Molly chuckled and stood. "We can talk more about sex during pregnancy and teething next week. And, I'll come up with a list of baby names!"
"Can't wait," Hermione muttered as they made their way back into the kitchen for dessert.
"Hermione, why won't you tell me what's wrong?" George asked for the hundredth time. "You've been acting strangely since we had dinner with my parents yesterday."
"Don't talk about your parents!" she yelled at him as she ran out of the room. Curiosity had gotten the best of her, and she sought out a copy of the wizarding Kama Sutra. Her vivid imagination had been running wild, conjuring horrible images of Molly and Arthur. In fact, she was very close to trying a memory charm on herself, but she didn't want to harm the baby.
George ran after her and caught her in is arms in the hallway. "Did I do something to upset you?" he asked, keeping her firmly in his grip.
Hermione bit her lip and shook her head. George had been the perfect husband right from the start, and it wasn't fair that her anxiety was making him feel badly. "I'm just really terrified about all of this."
"Yes. The baby. Your mother told me some, interesting, things. Actually some terrifying things."
"Love, it's not always like that for everyone."
Hermione sniffed. "That's true, but the Weasleys have strong genes. What if the baby beats me up from inside?"
George belted out a laugh and pulled his wife closer. "Nothing bad is going to happen. I won't let anything happen to either of you." He ran his finger through her curls, hoping to calm her down.
Hermione snuggled up against his warm chest. "But what if I have ugly stretch marks?"
"Nothing could be ugly on you, my sexy little witch."
Hermione started to smile. "Well what if you have to work on more inventions to sell because I can't go back to work?" she asked.
"I'd gladly invent anything I had to in order to let you stay home as long as you needed to."
Hermione wrapped her arms around him. "What if I get fat ankles?"
"I'll massage them for you," he promised, kissing the top of her head.
She lifted her gaze to meet his, suddenly not so scared any more. "What if- what if I decide I like having the baby, and I want to have more?"
George grinned down at her. "Then we can spend a lot more time in the shower together, love. We can have six, maybe seven, or possibly even eight little ones. I can teach them how to fly brooms, and you can train them all to be Prefects."
"Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves! Eight children?!"
George scooped her up into a hug and started to carry her to the bathroom. "My point is, no matter what happens, we will face it together. And later, when the time comes, we can decide how large our family should be."
"I like the way you think," she replied, kissing his lips.
"Now let's hop in the shower for some fun. There's no harm, really. You're already pregnant."
"But, in the future, we might have to keep showering together to a minimum," she warned him with a laugh and another kiss.
I hope you enjoyed my silly story! I certainly had a great time writing it! Please leave a review.
Happy Birthday to my darling friend remuslives! :)