Just A Little Setback
A/N: This is just a little thing I thought about after watching "Wilson" Season 6 Episode 10.
Do forgive all my many errors I have yet to find a beta, and I am endeavoring to conquer this damn dialogue. Feel free to review and/or offer to Beta.
Disclainer: ME NO OWN HOUSE.
House had had it. He was so sick of the whole thing. The notion that he could be a grown up was laughable at best. He knew he was just having a 'bad' day but it was exhausting being Gregory House before he quit doing drugs how the hell else did he think he would feel without them. The problem was other people; they were always … wanting things from him. Half the time he had no idea what it was, and the rest of the time he was perplexed as to why they would ask. This was especially true of Wilson. House's stomach clenched when he thought about Wilson being on that operating table. Never mind the whole parallel to the Amber thing it brought up, but the thought of something happening to Wilson just hadn't occurred to him, it wasn't in his frame of reference, it was impossible. He couldn't allow himself to consider something happening to his best friend, it was unthinkable. And yet, Wilson had all but thrown it in his face that it was, indeed, just that; completely, and altogether possible.
He knew he ought to call Nolan, but he wasn't looking for reasons NOT to slip. He had plenty of those, he just wanted a reason to stop himself and there was no one he knew that could give him that. He suddenly felt so defeated, so ready to give up… he was in trouble. With a sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled his cell phone out. He looked at it for a moment, still debating if he wanted to stay off that train to hell. Sanity got the better of him and he dialed Dr. Nolan's cell number.
He was suddenly growing more nervous with every ring. Did he want Nolan to answer? Would he be able to tell him the truth? He was a nanosecond away from hanging up when Nolan's soothing mellow voice said "Hello." House's breath caught in his throat his mouth suddenly parched. He couldn't answer. "Greg? Is that you?" Still nothing, he felt as if his vocal chords were being pulled like taffy, he was almost wheezing. His chest was tight and his eyes were starting to water. "Greg, it's okay, don't try to talk. Listen to my voice, and try to take calm deep breaths." House, tried to slow down his breathing but it was getting harder instead of easier, and he felt such anger at the hot tears pouring down his face.
He was finally beginning to feel like he was getting some air. When Nolan said: "Greg, I spoke with Wilson. I know what is going on with him. I know this must have been very hard for you. I am so proud of how you handled this. Remember, he is alright. Think about something calming and focus on my voice and your breathing…" It took awhile but House's heart rate started to come down from the ceiling, and his respirations were approaching something towards the normal range. He was able to take a sip of his bottled water that had been crushed in his hand.
"Greg? You sound better, do you want to talk?" He heard house take another sip of water.
"I..I ….Uhh, I …" House stammered. Nolan stayed silent and waited patiently for him to speak.
"I am….sc…scared." He gasped. "What are scared of Greg? Tell me." Nolan replied calmly.
"Of be…Being alone….Of wanting drugs…of NEEDING drugs…" House was having a hell of a time keeping himself from hyperventilating. "Greg, where are you? Are you in a safe place?" Nolan did his best not to show the alarm that he was feeling in his voice. "I am … in m...my off...office." Nolan almost sighed with relief at least he wasn't at home alone, and could get help if he needed it. "Okay Greg, I want you to find your ativan and take .5 mg right now. And then I want you to stay on the phone with me, so when you're ready to talk I'll be right here. "Ok-kay."
House felt so stupid, for freaking out like this but thank God he had some ativan in his desk drawer. He crushed the pill between his teeth its bitterness a welcome distraction from the thoughts slamming around his head. He started to feel better just because there was something he could do. He sighed a moment or two later and said "Nolan...Are you still there?"
Dr. Nolan was relieved that House had called him instead of using his old coping mechanisms .It was frightening to have a patient so far away from where he could control things if they got out of hand. "Yes Greg I am still here. You feel better?"
"Yeah, if by better you mean my heart quit trying to jump out of my chest." Nolan laughed "That's exactly what I mean." He paused … "You ready to talk?" House sighed and said "Yeah. Ummm I was a little freaked out, by this whole Wilson donating his liver thing, and then I got pissed, and then I got depressed. Like I just wanted to say fuck it, and go drink a lot and take a lot of whatever narcotic I could find." Nolan thought 'tread lightly' "Greg, you realize of course, that would have been a dangerous thing to do. Did you want to hurt yourself? I need you to be honest. "Greg groaned at that. "Shit. Are you going to commit me if I say yes? I need YOU to be honest." Nolan knew this was a delicate moment, so he chose his words carefully. "Greg, you have worked hard to get where you are and you demonstrated responsibility by calling me. I am not about to punish you for doing that. However, I have to be sure you are not going to harm yourself. Remember the safety contract you agreed to? This is part of that." He hoped House could hear the rational, logical side of this and not the fact he was very close to being back in the hospital. "Yeah, I know…it's just so fucking hard sometimes…" House whispered. "I know it is Greg. And these past few weeks have been really hard. But, here you are doing the right thing. I am proud of you, I know how hard it is for you to trust this, to trust me. So, I will ask you one more time for clarity: Are you safe? Are you going to harm yourself?" Nolan really wanted this to go well and he knew there was a chance that House might become angered over the question, but it was his duty to ask.
House thought for a moment 'Do I tell him the truth? And if I do what will happen? What IS the truth?' After what felt like forever to Nolan House finally answered with a faint "I don't know…"
Nolan held his tongue and began thinking about what he should do , he looked at his watch and saw that it was only four o'clock and realized House's boss and his fellows were probably still at the hospital with him. He formed a plan, and said "Greg where are your fellows right now?" House sighed trying hard not to be angry about the question "In the clinic, doing clinic duty. Why? " 'Good 'Nolan thought "Greg , which one of them do you trust the most?" House was as intrigued by the answer as he was the question. He was almost surprised when the answer came out "Chase, I trust Chase the most" Nolan was a bit surprised by the answer too he thought for sure he would have said Foreman. " Okay, well Greg I need you to find Chase and give him your phone so I can tell him what I want him to do." House hesitated…"Greg, if you don't do this I will have to put you on a hold" House laughed at that "Great, Nolan, I feel sooooo fucking safe now" 'Damn' Nolan thought , 'I was afraid of that.' "Greg, I know this is frustrating but this is my medical responsibility as a doctor, and you know that. It is either Chase or you go on the unit." Part of House was seething in anger, the other was resigned to the reality. He knew Nolan could Baker act him easily, and didn't relish the thought of being hauled off to the loony bin in the back of a squad car. "Greg? What's it going to be? What do you want to do?" House sighed loudly and said "Fine, I'll go get Chase."