Torchwood's On First?

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood or the Abbott and Costello comedy routine, "Who's On First?"

Author's Note: This came to me as I was reviewing another fic (thank you, Arlath's Daughter, for your wonderful story "Killer"...if you haven't read it, you need to go and read it now, it's hilarious!). Anyway, I accidently compared Ianto and Owen to Abbott and Costello in my review, and this popped out. I also blame Netflix for finally getting me the first disc of "Best of Abbott and Costello".

Some knowledge of baseball and how the terms relate to sexual relations is a plus for this story. It's quite a bit dirtier than an actual Abbott and Costello routine, but we are talking Owen and Ianto here.

Also, this is my first attempt at an all-dialogue story. Hope it works out!


"What, Ianto?"

"I heard Jack's put you in charge of Torchwood's new baseball team…"

"You want the job, Tea Boy? The only reason Harkness made me coach was because I'm dead, and apparently betting beaned by a baseball might not be a good thing for me, in my condition and all."

"Oh dear God, no."

"Then quit bitching and let me get on with it!"

"I was just curious – since you're the coach – if you had any idea who was playing what position yet."

"Did Harkness send you here to ask? Should have known he'd have you doing his dirty work."

"Yeah, because Jack can't be dirty on his own."

"TMI! Fuck, I'm gonna have to scrub my brain out with bleach now!"

"There's a new bottle in the supplies cupboard."

"Yeah, so helpful…"


"So what?"

"Have you gotten the playing positions organized yet?"

"Did your mother ever tell you that rolling your eyes like that could make your eyeballs fall out?"

"I take it, that your continual dodging of the question means you don't, actually, have anything worked out yet."

"I'm working on it! Why Jack thinks we'd all be interested in playing an American sport is beyond me, though."

"It's part of his plan."

"What plan is that?"

"To make all of Wales think he's a foreign nutter."

"Think he's a little too late for that, don't you? Besides, who the hell is even gonna play us? And why does a super-secret organization even have a sports team anyway?"

"I understand Gwen wants to call us the Torchwood Twats."

"Ooo…I like it."

"You would. So…what have you got done then?"

"Fine. But the next time we do anything like this, Tosh isn't gonna be the one to do the 'net search for the rules and shit. That girl doesn't know when to stop."

"I thought her research was quite thorough."

"A little too thorough. It took me a week to sort through it…and I don't even have to sleep anymore!"

"If it helps…I do have most of the rules now memorized."

"What the hell, Tea Boy?"

"As I often say…I know everything. I really do wish you all would begin to believe that."

"Well, then…what's the air speed of an unladen swallow?"

"African or European?"

"Yeah…you do know everything…."

"Told ya so. But tell me, Owen…just what do you have worked out so far?"

"I've decided that Jack should be on first base."

"That won't work."

"Why the hell not?"

"Jack's never just been on first base in his entire life."

"Shit! Where's that damned bleach?"

"I'm just saying…it's not appropriate for Jack to play first base."

"Next you'll be saying that he should be playing the field."

"I think you meant the outfield."

"Does all that eye rolling give you a headache?"

"No…your inane excuse for humor does."

"Okay then …who do you think should play first base then?"

"If you must know….Gwen."

"Wishful thinking, Tea Boy!"

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Gwen couldn't stop at first base if she tried."

"Well, I suppose you would know."

"I'm not the only one."

"Just what are intimating?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Perhaps you should."

"Jesus, and I thought you knew everything."

"Apparently you think you know something I don't."

"Apparently someone hasn't been paying attention to the CCTV footage."

"I assure you, I do. How do you think I found out about you and Gwen in the first place?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I mean that little interlude in the vaults…in the cell right next to Janet's."

"That pales in comparison to some of the shit you and Harkness get up to!"

"And are you in the habit of watching us, Owen?"

"At least I know not to play you on first!"

"I should hope not."

"God, Tea Boy…Harkness has seriously corrupted you."

"Are you sure I'm not the one who's done the corrupting?"

"I'm really gonna need that bleach…"

"I'm still waiting for your explanation of that comment you made about Gwen."

"Okay, I haven't actually seen anything…except for that one kiss. But there was all that eye-fucking at the wedding! That's gotta mean something!"

"It was a kiss…on the cheek. And the last time I checked, Jack eye-fucks everyone."

"Never seen him do that with Tosh."

"Okay…he doesn't with Tosh. But that's because he thinks of her as a sister. And I don't think they condone incest even in the free-wheeling 51st century."

"And he doesn't me!"

"That's because he's not into necrophilia."

"So you're saying there's stuff that even Captain Sex God Harkness won't do."

"This isn't getting us anywhere on the decision of whom to play on first base."

"Are you trying to avoid the subject?"

"Do you want a new bullet hole somewhere on your body?"

"So…first base."

"Yes…first base."

"I think it ought to be Tosh."

"Why Tosh?"

"She's about as virginal as they come!"

"Owen…I think Tosh has gotten beyond first base more than you think. I can think of two times right off the top of my head."

"Well…gotta be one of us."

"You mean…anyone Torchwood."

"Yeah. Makes her a virgin in my book."

"So, you don't count Torchwood-related sex, then. For example...Tommy."

"Nah. Gotta be one of the team."

"Then…I guess you have a point."

"Okay…so Tosh plays first base."

"That didn't just take forever."

"I'm sure I could do this a lot faster if you weren't interrupting all the time."

"You hadn't done a thing, even after an entire week to plan."

"I told you…it was Tosh and her research!"

"Yeah, right."

"Look…why don't you go and work your…um…wiles on Jack and get him to forget about this idea."

"I really hope the word "feminine" wasn't going to be in that pause, Owen."

"Someone has to be the girl in the relationship."

"Do you really want me to show you how much of a girl I am?"

"Whoa…put the gun down!"

"I was just wondering how a bullet hole in your head would look like."

"C'mon mate…let's not go off the deep end."

"Hm…you may be right."

"Of course I am!"

"Besides, I don't want to have to fill out the weapons discharge paperwork."

"Love the priorities there."

"Perhaps we should discuss second base?"

"Well, considering the rest of us have gone beyond that…"

"You know, we really don't have enough players for a full baseball team."

"I know. Jack said something about asking Rhys, Andy, and Martha."

"He'll probably be calling the Doctor next."

"You don't look too happy there, Tea Boy."

"I would put him in at third."

"That far, huh?"

"I don't want to think about it."

"I'll share the bleach with you."

"You're too kind."

"Look, this is getting us nowhere. None of us actually want to do this. We should just gang up on Jack and tell him to stuff it."

"He'd enjoy it too much."

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Besides, didn't you say he wasn't into necrophilia?"

"I did, yes. However, that wouldn't stop him from making comments about it."

"Damn him and his team-building schemes."

"Maybe we should play a team of cannibals. Of course, they wouldn't eat you…I'm quite sure you've gone off by now."

"I might be literal dead meat, but that grossed even me out."

"Look, it was obviously a mistake to expect you to have anything accomplished. I mean, really…you don't do any of the official paperwork, I don't know why Jack expected this to be any different."

"Your guess is as good as mine. I didn't ask for this little job. I'm not even interested in bloody baseball; let alone how to coach it. Is there any way I can get out of it?"

"I wouldn't think so. You know how Jack is."

"Yeah. Bee in his bonnet is as immortal as he is."

"Let me try to figure something out. I can't promise anything…"

"God, Tea Boy…I'd seriously owe you."

"You shouldn't say that to me, you know. I'll remember."

"Shit, yeah. But this time it might be worth it."

"I hope you believe that when I come to collect….by the way, out of curiosity…what position did you plan on playing me?"

"Dead simple – no pun intended. Left field, obviously. Because everything you say seems to come from that direction anyway."

"Owen, that's one of the nicest things you've said to me lately."

"Well, don't let it go to your head."

"I won't, I promise."