Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist
And so it came to pass that King Ed and his brave knights, guided by Roy the Enchanter, approached the cave of Caerbannog, wherein dwelt a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lay strewn about it's lair! Death awaited all those who approached it, with nasty big pointy teeth!
Er, according to Roy the Enchanter anyway. But he was kind of weird, what with his accent going all over the place at odd times, so King Ed and his knights were a little bit dubious about the veracity of his claims.
"Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!" Roy the Enchanter proclaimed in a whisper. (Which is quite hard to do actually. When proclaiming things, the natural instinct is to be loud. But then, Roy the Enchanter is, well, an enchanter, and they have access to strange powers and unnatural abilities. Best not to think about it too hard really.)
Get on with it!
Oh for the love of- Shut up Hohenheim!
Aargh! You- you- you are such a- Oh, just get lost!
Anyway, King Ed and his Knights slowly and cautiously approached the cave and hid behind some Convenient Boulders. The ground around the mouth of the cave was indeed strewn with bones. The knights looked at it nervously.
"Right," King Ed said, getting up to approach the cave. "Keep me covered!" he ordered.
"What with?" asked Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker.
"Just keep me covered!" King Ed growled, muttering: "What. With. Honestly! That is a highly trained professional soldier?" under his breath, as he stood.
"Too late!" Roy the Enchanter hissed, pulling King Ed back.
Jarring scare chord!
Oh for- Hohenheim! Put that instrument away!
"There it is!" Roy the Enchanter hissed. As he spoke, an odd looking little boy appeared at the mouth of the cave. He had pale skin, long uncombed hair, purple eyes, and his right arm and left leg were curiously more human looking than the rest of his body.
"Where?" King Ed demanded, looking around sharply for the 'vicious foul creature with nasty big pointy teeth'.
"There!" Roy the Enchanter hissed again, pointing at the boy.
"Wait a minute," Sir Alphonse the Armoured said. "That's animé Wrath. I thought we were manga based?"
Kind've a mixture really. Besides, this idea spawned when I watched Monty Python after Conqueror of Shamballa, remember?
"Oh yeah," King Ed said, nodding. He grinned at Roy the Enchanter. "Looks like you'll be wearing the eyepatch after all."
Roy the Enchanter covered his eye protectively. "I am not wearing the eyepatch! Got that?"
Oh all right. Shame though. The Fangirls thought it looked sexy.
"Normally that would be fine. Great, even," Roy the Enchanter admitted. "But right now, Riza isn't around to protect me from the more rabid ones. I don't want to get caught by a Swarm."
There was a collective shudder from the knights and King Ed let out an agonised whimper as he recalled a particularly traumatising experience with a Fangirl Swarm. "So. Many. Glomps. So. Many."
Get a grip Ed. You need to continue the scene.
Yes. Get on with it!
Hohenheim! One more word out of you and I swear I'll-
Get on with it?
King Ed was shaken out of his traumatised flashback by the sight of the narrator attempting to viciously murder Hohenheim by bludgeoning him to death with her laptop. However it took some fast talking on Sir Alphonse's part to persuade him to get on with the scene instead of sending one of his knights to get popcorn and some folding chairs.
After clearing his throat and shaking out his limbs King Ed duly said "What. . . behind the little kid?" in a confused tone.
"It is the little kid!" Roy the Enchanter said in a terrified tone.
"You silly sod!" King Ed shouted, (the look on his face suggesting that he was enjoying his lines immensely). "You got us all worked up for nothing!"
"That's no ordinary rab- er little kid," Roy the Enchanter declared. "That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered little kid you ever set eyes on!"
"You jerk!" Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker said. "I soiled my armour I was so scared!"
There was much snickering from the other knights. Sir Havoc glared. "It's the script," he snapped. "I had to say it, so shut up!"
The snickering did not abate and Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker began to sulk and mutter under his breath.
Get on with it! Hohenheim yelled, having temporarily escaped the narrator. The assembled cast turned towards her and she nodded wearily. He's got a point this time. Get a move on.
"Right," Roy the Enchanter said, clearing his throat. "He's a got a vicious streak a mile wide!" he ranted, once again developing a bizarre accent quite at odds with his normal voice. "It's a killer!"
"Get stuffed," said Sir Breda the Fat.
"It'll do you up a treat," Roy the Enchanter told him, looking happy at this prospect.
"You manky Caledonian sounding git!" Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker said with a glare.
"I'm warning you-" Roy the Enchanter started to say.
"What's he do?" Sir Havoc asked scornfully (while performing truly impressive sign-language, that when translated spelled 'Please don't kill me later Colonel!'). "Bite your ankles?"
"He's got huge sharp- He can leap about-" Roy the Enchanter said, floundering somewhat.
The knights shook their heads in an extremely condescending fashion. 'Manky Scots-- er Caledonian git' they thought. (While simultaneously praying that a certain Flame Alchemist would not take burn-y revenge later. Burn-y revenge hurts much more than bloody revenge. That's an important fact kids!)
"Look at all the bones!" Roy the Enchanter protested.
"Actually," Sir Falman of the Ambiguous Age Due To His Hair Colour said, "those look like cattle bones."
"After all," King Ed agreed caustically, "let's not forget, we're talking to the man who couldn't distinguish between a human femur buried by a grisly murderer and chicken bone buried by Hawkeye's dog!"
Roy the Enchanter glared at the assembled knights. "Alright, I know Fullmetal wasn't around when that little debacle happened. So who told him about it? "
There was no answer from the knights, so Roy the Enchanter gestured pointedly with his Enchanter's Staff(tm). Flames burst from the end of it. In unison the knights pointed at Sir Breda the Fat, who grinned nervously and started edging away from the staff. "Ah, we should be getting on with the scene right?" he asked.
King Ed nodded. "Yep," he agreed. "Leave Breda alone, Enchanter Bastard. Broche, go fight the little kid."
"Right," Sir Broche the Only Appearing To Get Brutally Slain agreed, drawing his sword and advancing towards the rabbi- I mean, the weird little kid.
Seconds later, carnage. Sir Broche's throat bitten open by a faster than light moving kid and blood all over the place.
Looks like red paint to me!
Shut. Up. Hohenheim.
"Bloody Hell!" King Ed shouted.
"I warned you," Roy the Enchanter said, a smug smirk on his face and his voice back to normal superior 'Colonel' tone. "But did you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you? Aw, it's only a harmless little kid isn't it? Well it's always the same, I always tell you-"
"Oh shut up!!" interrupted King Ed, looking mightily pissed off. "Right!" he yelled. "Charge!"
Mustang? the narrator asked, while King Ed and the Knights were busy charging.
Where did the Enchanter accent go? Hmm?
"Do I have to keep doing the stupid accent?" Roy the Enchanter whined as the Killer-Weird-Looking-Kid-Of-Caerbannog proceeded to beat the crap out of the knights.
Yes. It's either that or the eyepatch.
"Oh fine," Roy the Enchanter sulked as the carnage continued.
"Run away!" King Ed yelled, as he narrowly avoided a stone fist to the face.
"Run away! Run away!" yelled the other knights, running for their lives back over to the Convenient Boulders.
Roy the Enchanter smirked. By the way," he asked the narrator idly once King Ed and all the knights had returned, "if this is a King Arthur legend, is Guinevere going to appear in this story?"
King Ed went bright red. Roy the Enchanter's smirk grew wider.
She was going to, the narrator answered, but Winry said a client called suddenly and Rosé couldn't get a babysitter on short notice.
"W-What about the Lieutenant?" Sir Furey the Timid suggested.
She refused to be the potential romantic partner of someone younger than twenty.
"You could always make me King again instead of Fullmetal," Roy the Enchanter suggested with a slight smirk. "That takes care of the objection, no?"
I already thought of that, but when I mentioned it to Hawkeye, she muttered something about paperwork and her eye started to twitch.
"Ah. Never mind," Roy the Enchanter said hastily. "Let's just leave Guinevere out of it, shall we?"
Get on with it!
Die die die!
"I think she's really going to kill him this time," King Ed said thoughtfully. "Somebody get me some popcorn."
Ed was originally going to be the Killer Shrimp, but I think this works better.