Things that the Enterprise Crew are No Longer Allowed to Do

By: Kuroi Atropos

Rating: PG-13 to be safe

AN: Had an interesting day and needed a laugh. Thanks to Obi for checking over!


1. Use the Ships transporters to cause your Fellow Crewmates to switch gender, it was a creative prank but the Rights Leagues are all upset over it.

2. Use the Jefferies Tubes for Laser Tag and/or Paintball, I don't care if you call it combat training Kirk.

3. Let their Chief Engineer anywhere near a transporter if it involves Archer's dogs.

4. Tell primitive species that you are the Lollypop Guild and that you report to the Wizard of Oz while trying to track down the Evil Orion Slave Trader of the West

5. The Crew did not get their positions by causing a mass orgy with the Admiralty, stop implying that.

6. It is not funny to give tribbles to Klingons as consolation prizes if they lose a fight, not only do they kill the tribbles but it's bad for the talks afterwards.

7. To Inform Starfleet Medical that your Vulcan First Officer has come down with Pon Farr and that it has infected your crew. We checked with Ambassador Serak, he's too young and it doesn't happen every three days.

8. Set up your Computers to automatically send sound effects from old cartoons whenever certain Admirals call. Not only is it unprofessional, I can't get it out of my head.

9. Enter into Negotiations with Ferrengis to try and sell Romulus. You don't own it.

10. To use Federation funds to buy off rival gangs of Orion Slave Traders to knock each other off. Seriously, we have Intelligence Teams for that.

11. Please do not tell Ambassadors from species hoping to join the Federation that if they don't know the uber-uber-secret handshake they're not really members.

12. While I am impressed that you managed to find the Obsidian Orders Headquarters (and Intelligence wants to know how, by the way) the Cardassian Government did not appreciate you sending them take-out food there, even if the message was heartfelt.

13. Please stop telling Academy Cadets that they can make Captain by saving an Admiral's life. We are tired of being 'rescued.'

14. You are no longer allowed to time travel. At all.

15. You are not allowed to use transporters to try and actually turn lead into gold, or lithium, or any other substance.

16. We don't care if the Press are annoying, you are not allowed to threaten them with phasers set on kill. Or any other setting for that matter. Just don't.

17. Priority One Distress calls are not to be used just to clear out star lanes in the rare occurrences that you run across traffic.

18. You are not allowed to use the Enterprise as part of a lighting rig for a rave, I don't care if you say it was their new year and they had a power outage, it's a state of the art ship, not a disco ball. Now all the outlying planets want a ship to provide their lighting for celebrations.

19. Ship's weapons are there as a defense and definitely not as a way to speed up negotiations.

20. In regards to Rule #3 – this does include transporting cats into the middle of his kennel. Enough Scott!

21. I don't care if he has helped save the world and is Russian, no alcohol until he's 18!

22. You are not allowed to challenge other Starfleet ships to drag race.

23. You are not allowed to sign contracts involving modeling or acting in anyway, you are all enlisted. Deal with it. No I do not care how much they were offering.

24. You are not allowed to send out reports that the Admiralty might be hostile aliens in disguise unless they are.

25. Even if you think the Klingons Uniforms need updating, you are not allowed to spam them with fashion magazines.

26. And no, the thing with their foreheads is Classified, stop asking about it.

27. You are not allowed to challenge other races Starships to drag race.

28. I do not know how you managed to convince Ferrengi that Starfleet Admirals could be bought with assorted Cheeses. You will put a stop to it. Now.

29. You are not allowed to use your ships phasers to create line art on inhabited or uninhabited worlds. I don't care how creative they are.

30. The same for using thrusters to create crop circles.

31. You are not allowed to send samples of the weird behavior alternating substances you find to people that annoy you in hopes it will 'chill them out.' That could probably be considered a crime.

32. To tell the press that you're too busy preventing a war to take their calls. They take you seriously and we are tired of dealing with the fallout.

33. You do not have the authority to start up inter fleet war games.

34. Just because you are interested in learning how to use a bat'leth does not give you reason to start up a Klingon Cultural Exchange Program.

35. Just what was it that you took from the Romulans to cause them to be that upset? (Please turn it over to Intelligence.)

36. What is it with you people and races, and no, I do not care if they challenged you this time no more races!

37. Please stop trying to convince Cadets that their Instructors hide test results in their underwear drawers.

38. I do not care if you ship's replicators were malfunctioning and you were out of coffee. You are not allowed to conduct pirate raids on Starbases.

39. We do not appreciate your reports being sent in L337 $P34|.

40. Or in Pig Latin.

41. Or in any language except properly coded standard.

42. Kirk, I get that you want to be a good Captain but that does not include granting leave because someones kid's pet rabbit died.

43. Teletubbies are not real and they are not a galaxy-wide threat.

44. Do I want to know?

45. I said no more races. That includes 'Performance Tests.'

46. You are not going to run into the Black Plague, and if you did your ship has state of art replicators. Tell Dr. McCoy to stop putting in requests for the cure.

47. Why exactly do you need a nuclear vessel? And will you please have your Navigator stop calling in the requests?

48. Please Inform your communication officer that Jitter is not a language and ask her who put her up to it? (And please let us know what they used to bribe her with?)

49. We know space is boring, you are not allowed to complain about your classified missions on your holotwitter.

50. To try and drive your Ship's Counselor insane. This is the fourth one in just as many months.

End Transmission