It's been two months since I've been captured by Itex. Two whole months of being locked up in a window-less, light-less, concrete room. Two months of endless experiments and tests ... and torture. Two whole months of bad memories resurfacing and no Flock, no Max, to chase them away.
I've survived so far. But only barely. Every test they give is getting harsher. Every experiment they concoct is more difficult. And every time they torture me feels like it'll be the last time. They test, experiment, and beat me until I pass out then they just throw me back in the room. After every session with them I wake up in a pool of my own blood, and I lose more and more blood every time.
I don't know how much longer I can last. I know my limit, how much I can take. They've already pushed me past that. They've pushed me to limits I didn't know I had. They really know to hit where it hurts. To cut a bird off from the sky ... why don't they just cut off my wings while they're at it?! Hell, They're probably saving that for another day. I wouldn't put it past them.
I'm not going to last much longer if they continue at this pace. The only reason I lasted this long was because of Max and the Flock. My memories of them is the only this that keeps me from giving up. Whenever I feel my hope, my sanity, my will to live beginning to slip, I just think of them.
Max's deep, chocolate eyes staring up at me with love.
Iggy making a sarcastic remark about his sight, or lack thereof.
Nudge ranting her frizzy head off about something I had absolutely no idea about.
Angel reading my mind and sleeping in my lap whenever she had a bad dream.
Gazzy letting loose a cloud of noxious gas, making all of us fly off.
They were the only thing that kept me sane anymore. Anytime I really felt like just letting myself bleed out, I just think about them, about seeing them again. I want to be able to smack Iggy whenever he gets too annoying. I want Nudge to burn my ears off again with one of her random rants. I want to hug Angel again, to know that she's safe. I even want to hug Gazzy, smell and all.
But most of all, I want to hold Max again. I want to feel her soft skin against mine. I want to smell her on my skin. I want to see her smile at me again.
God how I want, how I wish.
But it's been two months. Even with my memories, I'm starting to lose hope. Why is it taking them so long? Are they alright? Did Itex get to them? Are they dead? If they aren't, I hope to God they aren't, do they think I am? Is that why they haven't come get me yet? Or did they just give up?
No! They wouldn't give up! They're the Flock, my family. They wouldn't just give up on me.
It's been three months. Three months now. I don't care anymore. I don't try ... anything. I don't fight back. I don't think. I don't try to remember. I just don't care anymore.
They've finally broken me. I'm not Fang anymore. Fang would have fought. He would have fought tooth and claw until he was free, or he would have fought to the death because he believed that death was better than this hollow, empty existence.
But he's dead. Gone. Not here anymore.
I don't even know why I'm still alive. It's not like I have any reason to keep living.
Yesterday, I had a bit of hope. Like a candle in the pitch darkness of hell. Now that's extinguished. The killed that too. My hope. My heart. My soul. My sanity. The only thing alive now is my body, and that's still not going to last long.
Today, during one of their torture sessions, when I used the last bit of my defiance to spit in the face of evil and death itself. I thought it was worth it. If they had killed me then I would have been content that I had left the world fighting, as small as it was. But instead of hitting me, shooting me, stabbing me, electrocuting me, like they always do, they just smiled that cold, snarky sneer of theirs. Then they dragged me by my hair into another room with a large white screen at the other end of the room. They turned down the lights and a projector flicked on. Before my eyes I saw the Flock sitting around a fire in the middle of a forest somewhere. I saw the date in the corner of the screen.
7/13/09, 9:23 P.M.
Today, right now. The Flock was alive! And they were alright! My hope flared when I saw the camera closeup on everyone quickly. They all looked perfectly fine and happy. The relief that rushed through me to know they were safe. But I felt a chill slither up my spine when my tormentor hissed in my ear to watch.
I was just about to tell him to screw himself when I heard Max's voice coming from an unknown source somewhere in the room, a hidden speaker in the walls probably.
"You guys, I've decided to stop the search for Fang. It's pointless and we all know that he's dead." while she said that, he face was cold and closed off, her voice hard and harsh. My heart felt like it just shattered into a million pieces. "There's no use in wasting energy and time on him anymore. Let's just move on, forget about it, alright?"
"You're right, Max." Angel said cheerfully. "Why don't we go somewhere warm? Let's fly to Hawaii!"
Gazzy whooped and punched his fist into the air. "Yeah! Surf, sun, and beach bunnies." he elbowed Iggy who laughed.
"Great minds think alike." Gazzy and Iggy high-fived and cackled.
"I can learn the hula dance!" Nudge chimed in. She clapped her hands excitedly. "Oh! Yay! When do we go?!"
Max smiled, making my heart hurt all the more. "So it's decided, Hawaii we go, right Flock?"
I couldn't hear or watch anymore after that. I turned away, feeling the cold trails of tears pouring down my cheek. My tormentor howled cruelly and yank up my head by my hair, nearly ripping them out by the roots. He made me watch them until the stacked fists and went to sleep. By then I just wanted to die.
They gave up. They didn't care enough about me to keep looking. I was just a waste of time to them. A waste of time and energy. They didn't even decide that I was dead yet, they just said let's forget and move on. Just forget and move on.
Max said those words. That's what made it hurt all the more. She said she would love me forever. I guess she didn't really love me at all.
I just shook off those thoughts as again, my tormentor beat me then threw me into the room, where I am now.
Now, I have nothing to live for. Nothing at all. My family didn't care about me. I have no more hope. The only people in the world that I had loved and lived for didn't care about me. What's the point of life? I feel dead already, why not make it real?
From the heel of my combat boots, I took out a rusted old butterfly knife, one that Max had given me. Bitter emotions and memories bombarded me while I looked at the short, lethal steel.
I loved her so much. And in the end, she didn't feel anything for me at all. None of them loved me.
I was truly all alone. Nothing held me bond to this world except my body. Finally, I would be free.
I lifted the blade up so that the tip rest in front of my heart, right in between my rib cage. I was really going to do this. For once, instead of being afraid and angry and sad, I was calm. I was finally going to have some peace.
With that, I pushed the blade into my heart.
It hurt like hell. I thought I was going to die quickly. But I guess I was going to have to suffer a bit first. No problem compared to everything I've already been through. If I had to hurt just a little bit more to finally have peace, then I didn't care. No pain was more the pain of Max's betrayal. She didn't love me, but dear God, did I love her. With all of my stupid, blind, mutant heart I loved her. I guess that wasn't enough.
I guess that's alright. She didn't care anyways.
But even if she didn't care, even if she would never hear these words again, I just had to say them once more before I left this world for good.
"I love you, Max."
I have no idea why I wrote this. It was a very emo/suicidal/hopeless piece. But I just started writing and I couldn't stop. It just came out. I guess I need to stop reading all those books with sad endings huh?
Anyways, what'd ya think? Hate it?
Heck, I felt like quitting midway through the piece, but i couldn't.
Just had to do a companion piece for my poem "All Alone"
I think it fits well.
If any of you read this, review and tell me what you think. Horrible. Terrible. Crap? Tell me, all criticism is good criticism.