Peter Cunningham: Zombie Slayer

Well, I've never actually written a book before and I'm not entirely sure if that is, in fact, what I'm currently doing. Well, whether I'm really writing a book right now or not, it doesn't really matter. Point is, you're about to read a story. Whether it's thrilling or well written or important is all up to you, at least I would assume. So, having established that you very well may not like the story I'm about to write, I'm going to get on with writing the story instead of writing about the act of doing so.

My story begins with a very young but frighteningly experienced Zombie Slayer named Peter Cunningham. All you really need to know about Peter is that he's a fairly tall Zombie Slayer who used to have a goatee. He grew up in a world overrun with zombies. When he was 12, he joined the family business of Zombie Slaying. Zombie Slayers travel outside of the designated "Safe Zones" on Earth and explore the zombie-infested wasteland beyond looking for supplies, treasure, and, of course, totally awesome new ways to kill zombies. There are actually contests held in all major Safe Zones in which Zombie Slayers from all over compete for the most spectacularly uniquely inventive zombie kill.

Pete has just won one such contest. His method of killing the-evil-and-totally-not-innocent-in-the-least-zombie? Using an old blackpowder cannon to launch a lightsabre replica loaded with high pressure purple spray paint into the zombie's face. The result was a surprisingly beautiful explosion of purple alien zombie blood the likes of which that particular Safe Zone had never seen.

Now, if you're a particularly observant reader as the readers of my work should be, you'll have noticed that I've used the term "Zombies" quite a few times already. If you are confused as to what I mean by that, "zombies" refers to either the undead or organisms infected with some sort of horrible disease that bestows upon them a powerful and oh-so-inappropriate craving for human brains. The "slayer" part refers to "one who kills." If you put the two together, you'll get "One who kills the undead or the disturbingly similar to the undead." Now that I feel that you, the reader, have a fairly good idea of who Peter Cunningham is, I shall proceed to begin to move on with the story sometime in the near future, perhaps a paragraph or two from this one, but definitely not in the paragraph immediately after this. Of course, there is that relatively minute possibility that I may never actually continue with the story of Peter Cunningham.

Let me tell you about a pair of hunters during Z-Day. I'll call the hunters Bob and Joe due to the fact that I did not actually know either of them. In fact, the only evidence of their existence are the two corpses I found in the woods and the hunting rifles they were using. Apparently, they were mauled by a giant zombie bear. I know this because Pete told me he had killed a zombie bear somewhere near there. Now, Bob and Joe were hunting a tiger. Fortunately, they found the tiger. Unfortunately, it was a zombie tiger. They shot it until it died, no longer caring about the aesthetics of its hide. Shortly after besting the zombie tiger, they were attacked by the aforementioned zombie bear. They fought valiantly, but, in the end, were both thrown bodily into trees and killed. This is the point where you should feel sad for the parties involved (human or otherwise) but it's not exactly required.

Cristoph has a hard life. Christoph is a zombie. That's doubly unfortunate because, due to some unknown reason, Cristoph is sentient. That means he has the brains (stolen from humans, no doubt) to contemplate his life as a zombie. He is currently pondering the dire predicament he has gotten himself into. He actually tried to talk to a human. The human he tried to talk to is named Peter and Peter is, by profession, a Zombie Slayer.

Zombie Cristoph was tied up in a truck on its way for a safe zone dubbed "The Bloody Oasis." "The Bloody Oasis" is about to hold its fifth annual "Zombie Killing Contest." At least you can find some respite in knowing that Cristoph's death will be surprisingly beautiful.