A FAMILY GUY CHRISTMAS CAROL
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Family Guy' or 'A Christmas Carol', 'Family Guy' is owned by Seth MacFarlane and the FOX network, 'A Christmas Carol' was written by Charles Dickens.
Chapter 1: An asshole named Scrooge.
In England in the 18th or 19thcentury, it's winter and Christmas Eve, so the street is crowded with people going from place to place (since cars weren't invented yet) in preparation for the most festive time of year. Some were in conversation, like the two moustached, bald, muscular men who were walking by.
"I say Phineas, that was quite a workout today." said Barnaby
"Quite right, Barnaby." said Phineas, "So what do we do now?"
"I say, jog around town for the next hour?" answered Barnaby
"Good idea!" said Phineas as the two start running.
We now turn our attention to an apple selling stand, where we see a white dog and a football-headed baby trying to sell some apples to some passer-bys, but with much difficulty.
"Sir? Sir? would you like some Christmas apples?" The dog, who by the way is Brian, said trying to get someone's attention
"Hey! You want an apple? Hey! I'm talking to you! Get back-DAMN!" The baby, AKA Stewie, yelled. He finally got fed up and threw an apple at a man's head, knocking him unconscious.
"We're not gonna sell any if you keep throwing them at people's heads." said Brian
"Whatever, why are we selling Christmas apples anyway? They're just regular apples, what makes them so christmassy?"
"It's a holiday sells gimmick, if we put Christmas in the title of an ordinary product, it sells. Just like those guys." Brian points to the other sellers
"Oranges! Get your Christmas oranges here!"
"Peanuts! Get your Christmas peanuts here!"
"Cotton candy! Get your Christmas cotton candy here!"
"hm, your right, but what about the other holidays in December?" Stewie asked
"Hot dogs! Get your Hanukkah hot dogs here!"
"Ha, it's funny because that guy is selling hot dogs on a Jewish holiday but the Jewish are kosher." said Fouad who just suddenly appeared
"Get out of here." Brian said, he then notices the readers,"Oh hello, I'm Brian. I'll be your narrator for this special Family Guy parody of Charles Dickens's classic tale: A Christmas Carol."
"Woah, woah, woah, wait a second." Stewie interrupts Brian,"A Christmas Carol? We're gonna do a parody of a story that's been adapted over hundreds of times?"
"Yeah, what about it?" Brian asks
"Well there's been so many movies about the damn book, that it's been done to death. It's like every year there's a new version of 'A Christmas Carol'. It's like the king of remakes!" Stewie ranted
"Does that include the CG film starring Jim Carrey?"
"There's another? And it stars Jim Carrey? What the hell!"
"Continue your whining later, right now we have a story to do." Brian faces the reader, "As I was saying, we're here to give you our interpretation of this classic tale, and I'll be the narrator."
"Why are you the narrator? Is it because you know the book by heart? practically everyone knows it by heart, even if they never read the book."
"No, it's because out of everyone on this show, I'm possibly the only one dignified enough to do it."
"Yeah, if you count chewing on your nutsack on a daily basis as dignified."
"At least I'm not claiming to be Charles Dickens, Now if your ranting is done, can we please get on with the story?" an irritated Brian asked
"To begin our story: Jacob Marley was dead-"
"Hey, how did you make your voice all wavy like that?" Stewie asked before Brian slapped him for interrupting him, "Owww, sorry...douche."
"Jacob Marley was dead, as dead as a doornail, if a doornail were alive then died. I mean, as dead as that parrot in that 'Monty Python' sketch. As dead as..."
"GET ON WITH IT!!!"
"Sorry, so Marley was dead. In life, he had been business partners with an old-fashioned 18th century asshole named Ebenezer Scrooge. He's the big fat guy who's about to come around that cornor."
Brian points to a street corner, but no one's coming out.
"So when is he coming?" Stewie asked
"Any minute now." several minutes have gone by, still no Scrooge
"Are you sure it's that corner?"
"I'm the narrator, I know these things, any minute now he'll be coming around that cor-" just than a big fat guy walks into them from behind and knocks their apple stand over.
"Excuse me, poor people, but I just had a two hour long diarrhea, and I don't have time for your pathetic stand." the guy said, and he takes an apple without paying as he walks off.
"In case you were wondering, that was Ebenezer Scrooge, played by Peter." Brian said
"Why the hell is the fat man playing Scrooge?" Stewie asked, "Wouldn't it make more sense for Carter to be Scrooge? they're both old rich guys who are complete bastards."
"Well this is a fanfic parody, anybody can play anybody, even if the casting doesn't make any damn sense."
"Oh, you mean like if someone were to make a 'parody' of 'How the Grinch stole christmas', and they cast a superhero character, like Danny Phantom, to play the Grinch?"
"Yeah, and to add alot of characters than there should."
(Author's Note: Apologies to JusSonic, didn't mean to be mean, just a joke...But seriously, having Danny Phantom as the Grinch makes no damn sense. Sorry, again just a joke.)
"Back to the story..."
"Scrooge was known as the stingiest man in town, he would always take but never give, he never seemed happy or shown kindness to others. The only thing he loved in the world was money...We actually had a musical number here about how much of a bastard he was, but it got pulled for two reasons: 1, it was like the opening number of 'The Muppet Christmas Carol', and 2, our version had too many curse words in it, and the softies of the network didn't want that in a Christmas special."
Peter/Scrooge walked to a dark, cold building. It has a sign above the door, it reads:Scrooge and Marley Mortgage- pay us or be homeless.
"As you can see, he's so cheap he never bothered to change the sign after Marley died. He didn't even cross it out with a marker."
(Author's Note: I'll just refer to them as their real names, Brian will refer to them as their 'christmas carol' roles)
Peter walks in and finds his one and only employee at work. He has a strong, muscular upper body and sitting in a wheelchair, wearing 18th century clothing and scarf.
"His one and only employee was Bob Crachitt(played by Joe Swanson), who, just in this parody, was crippled from the waist down. Showing how much of a bastard he was, Scrooge made Crachitt work late hours into the night doing all the paperwork while he just sits on his ass all day doing nothing but counting money."
"It feels a little warm in here, Crachitt." Peter said, "Have you used some of my coal?"
"Hell yeah I've used some coal!" Joe Crachitt said, "It's freezing as hell in here you cheapskate!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, coal costs money, which I do have enough of but will never use."
"What's the point of even having all that money if you never spend it?" Joe asked
"It makes me feel giddy inside," Peter answered, "Why aren't you using that other heat source I gave you?"
"It's a flashlight, and you didn't even give me any batteries!"
"Hey, they cost extra. Now if you excuse me, I'm going in my office that has a built in heating system." Peter goes into said office and turns the heater up high.
"Wow, he gets a heater only for his office while his employee has to settle for coal that he is never given permission to use." Stewie deduced as he and Brian are now inside the building, "He really is a cheap bastard!"
"That's basically the point." Brian replies
"Around the holidays, donations are taken to help build new housing for the homeless, fix up hospitals, and better dental hygiene. Can you guess who has never gave?"
Two men enter, one's an adult and the other is a teenager, both have curly red hair and glasses.
"Hello good sir, I'm Mort Goldman, and this is my son Neil Goldman." Mort said, "And we represent: Jews for the Homeless.We go around accepting donations from citizens to help fix up our crap-hole of a city."
"May we speak to Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?" Neil asked
"Mr. Marley has been dead for the last seven years, and there's no way in hell Mr. Scrooge would donate anything." Joe said
"Hey Crachitt, have you seen a penny anywhere?" Peter asks, coming out of his office, he sees the Goldman's, "Who the hell are you?"
"Good day sir, We're Mort and Neil Goldman representing: Jews for the Homeless. We're going around collecting donations to fix up our city, would you like to make a donation?" Mort said hopefully.
"Yeah, I like to make a donation." Peter than farts, "Now get the hell out of my building!"
"That was gross," Neil said, revolted at the smell, "But sir, we need some money to make homes, hospitals, orphanages and pharmacies for people who need it."
"Aren't there any jails or work houses they can go to?"
"Well, there are a crap-load of those." said Mort
"Oh, thank god, for a second there you had me worried."
"But seriously, what can we put you down for?" asked Mort
"Nothing" Peter simply said
"Oh, you wish to remain anonymous?" said Neil
"No, I meant I'm not giving a damn thing, now leave me alone!"
"But sir, people would rather die than stay at those places you said." pleaded Mort
"If they're going to die, than they better do it and decrease the surplus population! hell, I'll even spring for some poison for the soup kitchen."
The Goldman's and Joe were staring wide eyed at Peter with their mouths hanging open, even Brian & Stewie were shocked.
"I don't remember that poison part being in the script." said Brian
"You bastard! Come on, Neil, we're leaving, we don't need to bother Mr. Scrooge as he burns in hell!" Mort said, the Goldman's leave, wishing great misfortune on Scrooge as they do
"What the hell, sir?" said Joe
"Back to work, Crachit! Here's some new eviction notices." Peter drops a ton of forms on Joe's desk. Joe reads a few and notices something
"Wait a minute, some of these people already paid their mortgages!"
"I know, but I decided to have them evicted anyway just to show how much of a big ass I am." Peter chuckles, just as he's about to return to his office, a blonde overweight boy enters
"Hey there, Uncle Scrooge!" he said
"This is Fred, Scrooge's nephew and only living relative, played by Chris. Unlike his uncle, Fred is a nice guy, stupid, but nice and loves Christmas."
"Fred! What did I tell you about never coming on my property, I hate you!"
"I've come to invite to Christmas Dinner with me and my wife." Chris said
"Why on earth did you get married anyway? The woman is penniless and a moron." Peter asked
"Because I fell in love, uncle," Chris answered, "Well that, and she's sexy as hell."
"Just wait a couple of years," Peter said under his breath
"Come on, uncle, it's Christmas! The joyest time of year where friends and family come together for peace, love and turkey!"
"I don't care if you have pizza, I'm not going! Good afternoon!"
"Oh, come on uncle," Chris pleads, "We'll have pudding, gravy, mashed potatoes..."
"and ham, and punch, and..."
"I said good afternoon!"
"And cake, and cookies, and..."
"And oranges, and apples, and-"
"I SAID GET THE (BEEP) OUT!!!" Peter yelled, holding a shotgun
"AAHH!!" Chris yells, running out the door, but pops his head back in, "Anyway, Merry Christmas, uncle-" Scrooge shoots, hitting the window, causing Chris to runaway like hell.
"Uh, don't you think that was a bit too rough, even for you?" Joe said
"Shut up, Crachitt! By the way, I'm deducting your pay for breaking the window." said Peter
"What?! But I didn't even shoot the window, that was you!"
"Yes, but I can't deduct my own pay, can't I?"
"Why do you always have to be like this?" asked Joe, "I mean why can't you take a Christmas break yourself of being an asshole and be nice?"
"Because I hate christmas!" Peter proclaimed, "If it were up to me, every single dumbass who goes around saying 'Merry Christmas' should be boiled in his own pudding, baked with his own turkey, and buried with a steak of honey through his heart!"
"You know what?" Joe said, wheeling out from behind his desk, "I'm just going to leave early, I can't be near you when you're like this." Joe heads for the door
"What? Fine, if you need the whole day, go ahead, but I expect you here all the earlier the next day!"
"Fine by me. But before I go, I like to give you a little Christmas present." Joe takes out a brown bag, "A bag full of dog crap!" Joe throws it in the fire, "Merry Christmas, you old ass!"
"Crahitt! Get back here and get this-dear god it stinks!" Peter runs out, coughing from the stink, "HUMBUG!!!" Peter collapses.
"Well, that was disgusting." said Stewie
"If you think this was bad, just wait til later." said Brian
Author's Note: Well that ends the first chapter of my Christmas story and my return to writing Fanfiction. I know it's been like forever since I've done one and all I've been doing is reviewing some, but I've got my mojo flowing and I'll be posting more stories soon. I know it's a bit early, but just in case I don't finish this one, I hope you all have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I hope you'll enjoy this story and please review!