Disclaimer: By the writing of this chapter, I still do not own 'Family Guy' or 'A Christmas Carol', and probably never will.
Chapter 3: The Giggty-Giggty Ghost of Christmas Past
"1:00 came, Scrooge was hardly asleep as the bell in his clock ranged once."
As Brian said, the clock ranged and all was silent. Peter looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary, he calmed down some.
"I knew it," Peter confidently said, "Old Marley was one to never keep his word." Peter layed down, thinking no spirits will even come. As soon as he closed his eyes, the curtains on the right side of his bed shot open, and a very bright light came shining through.
"Hey there, Scrooge!" a voice from the light said
"AHH!!" Peter screams in surprise, falling out of bed on the opposite side of the light. He nervously lifts his head up, and peeks at the apparition. "W-who the hell are you?"
"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past," the spirit answered, "Sorry I'm late, but I had to make Vanessa Williams have a little Christmas spirit in my own special way. Giggity!"
"Let me guess," said Stewie, "That big perv Quagmire is playing the Ghost of Christmas Past?"
"You got it." said Brian
"Christmas Past? You mean long past?" asked Peter
"Nope, your past," answered Quagmire, "But I do have something that is long, OH!"
"Pardon me for asking," Peter said, "But where is that light coming from?"
"I'd tell you, But that would cause the rating of this fic to raise, OH!"
"Enough with the sex jokes, what's your business?"
"Oh, well I'm here to take you through images of the past to show you and the readers why you became such an old rich dickweed." The window opens and Quagmire walks to it, "Now come with me, Scrooge, we've got many things to see."
"What? Me fly out there? But I'm mortal, I'm liable to fall!"
"Fear not, Scrooge. Just touch my hand and you'll be light as a fat feather." Peter grabs Quagmire's hand and steps off the window ledge...only to go plummeting down and landing hard on the ground.
"Okay, that didn't work." Quagmire gently lands next to Peter's possibly broken body, "I guess we have to use Plan B." The DeLorean time machine from the 'Back to the Future' films appeared next to them.
"What the hell is that doing here?" asked Stewie
"Hey, it's a fanfic, anything could happen." said Brian
"Oh, so we're using that excuse? That's even worse than saying a wizard did it."
Peter & Quagmire entered the DeLorean with Quagmire in the driver's seat.
"Um, are you sure this is safe, Mr. Ghost?" Peter asked
"Sure it is," answered Quagmire, "I've used this to bone every hot women figures in history, Giggity!" he presses some buttons on the time thingy, "Now hold on, Where we're going: There's absolutely no roads!"
The DeLorean speeds off, disappearing as it reaches 88 miles per hour, leaving behind flame covered tire tracks. The car suddenly appears in a open field in daylight and comes to a stop, the old guy and the ghost pop out.
"See, no one got hurt." painful moans are heard as the pair look back and see several people down on the ground with flaming tire tracks on them, "Oh, I'm sure those guys weren't important to history."
The two walk for a bit before coming across a large building with many children riding in stagecoaches away from it.
"You recognize this place, Scrooge?" Quagmire asks
"Oh my god! This is my old schoolhouse!" Peter said with a mix of surprise and joy, "I was a boy here! And I even recognize some of these boys!" Peter attempts to call some of them, but they don't seem to hear him.
"These are just images of the past, Scrooge, they don't see or hear us."
"Hey look guys!" a boy said pointing at the pair, "There's a big chinned guy in a dress and a fat guy whose' chin looks like a pair of testicles!" he and some other boys laugh at them.
"Okay, they could see us, but they usually ignore us," Quagmire leads Peter to the school, "Now let's go inside, I'm sure you know your way around."
"Know it? I could walk it blindfolded! Wanna see?" Peter wraps his sleeping cap around his eyes and begins running to the school, but ends up running into the front door.
"That's nice, but let's do this my way." Quagmire grabs Peter and suddenly the two find themselves in a classroom. "You recognize that boy, Scrooge?"
"What boy?" Quagmire removes the sleeping cap from Peter's eyes so he can see the boy, "Oh him,Oh my god that's me!"
"Indeed, Scrooge saw a younger version of himself from his childhood days, depressed since it's Christmas time, and every year all the students were allowed to go home to celebrate with their families, but every year Scrooge stayed behind, alone,
"Hey, Ebenezer," said a fellow student, "It's Christmas Eve, aren't you going home?"
"No, my father thinks staying alone at school will make it better for me to study," said little Peter, "Well that, or make me distant and unsociable."
"So you're staying here all by yourself?"
"Well not really, I don't think Charles Brown is going home either."
"Good grief, even my own parents hate me." said Charles Brown (yes it's Charlie Brown from 'Peanuts')
"Well, see ya Ebenezer!" The boy leaves, and little Peter reads his book, with a very sad expression on his face.
"My father was a real jerkass," said the older Peter, "He's hated me ever since my mother died giving birth to me"
"That's sad, was it because of some complications?" asked Quagmire
"No, I was born too fat and broke her vagina."
"Will you stop doing that!"
"Sorry, force of habit. But from what I can recall, there's at least one family member of your's who loves you."
The door of the classroom suddenly opened, and a teenage girl walks in.
"Scrooge stood transfixed as he recognized the girl, the one person who made him feel loved, his dear late sister, Fan (played by Meg)."
"Fan? She-she's alive!" Peter runs over to hug her, but she goes right through him, "What the hell?"
"What part of 'these are just images from the past' did you not understand?"
"Fan? What are you doing here?" asked little Peter
"Oh, Ebenezer, my brother, I have come to take you home." said Meg
"Home? But, doesn't father hate me?"
"Oh, father has become much nicer than he use to be, one night, he spoke to me so gently, I had the courage to ask..."
We see Meg in bed with her and Ebenezer's father, played by Francis, sitting next to her bed.
"Oh father, can my brother, Ebenezer, come home?" Meg asked
"No! That fat son of a bitch can stay at that school and rot for all I care!" Francis said bitterly, "If you ask me, he might grow up to be just a fat stinkin' drunk!"
"Oh, come on, father. Get over it already!"
"No! I refuse to let that little bastard set one foot in this house!"
"So, I had him arrested for tax fraud, we now own the estate and you'll never to return to this hellhole ever again!"
"Yeah! Oh Fan, this is the best Christmas ever!" the two run toward the door, "See you, Charles Brown!"
"Good grief." Brown said, the pine needles all fall off his midget of a tree.
"Your sister had an heart of an angel, but was ugly as sin." said Quagmire
"Hey, shut up! Sure she wasn't great to look at, but we loved each other!"
"Sorry, but as I remember, she died a young woman, didn't she?"
"Yeah, too young."
"But she did have children, right?"
"One child, my nephew, Fred."
"Yeah, I could see the resemblance. Let's go see another Christmas."
Snow seems to spin around the two, transporting them out of the school and in the middle of a town street a couple of years later.
"Do you recognise this place, Scrooge?" Quagmire points to a building, there's a sign on it that says: Fezziwig's Little Boys Clothing.
"Oh my god! This is old Fezziwig's shop, I was apprenticed here," said Peter, "Hey, wait a minute, if you could transport us through time like that, why did we need the car?"
"Hey, we had to put an 80's movie reference here somewhere."
The two enter the building, where the employees were setting up the place for the big Christmas Ball. We see a frail and skinny old man watching the men work.
"That's it, don't sprain those sexy hamstrings." he said
"Wait, Herbert the old pedophile is playing Fezziwig?" Stewie asked
"We couldn't really think of anyone else to play him." Brian said
"Good old Fezziwig, alive again after all these years." Peter said
"Again, 'Images of the past', get that through your head!" yelled Quagmire
The party started, everyone was having a good time: The then still alive Jacob Marley/Mayor West was playing 20 questions with some people...
"Am I a mammal? yes, do I eat bugs? yes, am I an anteater? yes! Well played, worthy adversary." said West
"But we didn't even answer, you just did that game yourself!" said one of the players who didn't get to play
"Are you saying I cheated? You stained by honor sir!" West pulls out a shotgun and shoots the guy, "Does anyone else want to mess with Jacob Mar?"
Fezziwig was 'entertaining' some children...
"Hey there, little men," Herbert said to some little boys, "How about you sit on old Fezziwig's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas."
"But you're not Santa." said one little boy
"Well...I really am Santa, I just shaved my beard." Herbert lied
there was even a band playing random Christmas tunes. However, a young Scrooge (80's Peter), stood in the corner looking uninterested, that is until a beautiful Redhead entered the room. He was awestruck and nervous when she walked up to him.
"Greetings, Mr. Scrooge, my name is Belle." she said, "I'm a friend of the Fezziwig family, they told me so much about you."
"I-I-It's nice to meet you, Belle." young Peter said
"Oh my god, it's Belle," said Older Peter, "The only woman I've ever loved besides my sister."
"Woah, now that's a nice piece of ass!" Quagmire said
"So Lois is playing Scrooge's girlfriend," said Stewie, "Why am I not surprised?"
"Well, that is one of the most obvious roles in this story." said Brian
"Hey, Brian, I have an idea: Let's pee in the punch bowl."
"Come on, it'll be funny. Since we're narrators, nobody will even notice us!"
"You make me sick, now let's get back to the story."
The band begins playing a familiar tune from a popular 80's movie as Herbert takes the microphone.
"So, um, do you wanna dance?" young Peter asked Lois
"I love to." Lois answered, the two take center stage as Herbert sings
Herbert: Now I had the time of my life-
(So yeah, this scene is a parody of the final dance scene of 'Dirty Dancing', and since I don't really feel like writing and describing the entire scene, just go on Youtube or if you have the movie, just place Peter & Lois in the place of Patrick Swayze and that girl who I don't really care to look up her name.)
"Wow, I didn't know the fatman could move so gracefully." said a stunned Stewie
Older Peter looks on, with happy memories of the event returning to him. He watched almost teary-eyed as his younger self and Lois kissed.
"I fell in love with her at that moment, spirit." Peter notices Quagmire wasn't responding, "Spirit? Spirit?"
"Giggity-Giggity-Giggity-" Peter looks down and sees Quagmire laying on the floor with his head under a woman's dress.
"Sorry," Quagmire stands up
"What the hell? I thought we were just here to look at images of my past."
"Yeah, well, it wouldn't hurt to have just a little fun while we're at it." Quagmire gets back to the story, "But doesn't it seem to be a small matter, what did this party cost him? three or four pounds?"
"It wasn't the money! Old Fezziwig had the ability to make us happy or upset, to be soft or hard. If it wasn't for the fact that he was revealed to be a pedophile, he would be the greatest boss ever-" a realization comes to Peter, "Gee, come to think of it, I really have been an asshole to my employee, Bob Crachitt."
"Let's go, there's still one more Christmas for me to show you." The two now find themselves in a snow filled park.
"Oh crap! Not this day!" Peter panicked, recognizing the day.
We now see Peter & Lois walking in the park, but they seem to be less happy than they were earlier.
"Do you still love me, Ebenezer?" Lois asked
"Of course I do, Belle, why do you say that?" past Peter said
"You have once again cancelled our engagement this year, another idol has replaced me in your eyes." Lois waits for a response, she looks to find Peter throwing and catching a coin in his hands, laughing in glee. "Stop that! See, you don't care about me anymore! all you love now is money!"
"That's not true!"
"You've cancelled our last two dates so you could count all your money."
"Hey, I can't help it if I feel I'm missing some cash, you know you're the most important thing in my life."
"Oh, than if you were some rich coot years ago, would you still choose a poor and unwealthy girl like me?" past Peter takes a long time to answer, "Well?"
"Is this a trick question?"
"I knew it!" Lois sighs, "What were we kidding? The promise we made was long ago and we were young," Lois removes her ring, "I release you, Ebenezer Scrooge, I release you to your cold and greedy life!" Lois runs off
"Fine, that's okay with me! Your nose was too big anyway!" past Peter begins to cry and runs off in the opposite direction
Quagmire slaps present Peter upside the head
"Ow! What was that for?" Peter asks
"I can't believe you let a hot chick like that go!" yelled Quagmire
"I can't help it, love would've cost me alot."
"Love doesn't cost a thing! I would pay that much money you have right now just to get a hooker!"
"Well, I see you know alot about me, but know jack-shit about business!"
"That's it!" Quagmire goes into the DeLorean (which somehow got there from the childhood year) and revs it up.
"Uh, Spirit? What are you doing?" Peter suddenly gets nervous, the DeLorean drives full speed towards him. Peter tries to run, but gets slammed onto the hood, the car goes to a schreeching halt and Peter is flunged onto his bed, dragging the sheets off as he lands on the floor. "Holy Crap!"
"Yes, nothing says the Christmas spirit quite like vehicular homicide." said Stewie
Author's Note: So that finally ends another chapter, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish this story before Christmas. But I will finish this, that's for sure and you can read it for next year's Christmas. I hope you had a Merry Christmas, and I wish you a happy New Year.