AUTHOR'S NOTE: So this crackfic was inspired by a lot of things.

a) my roommate walking into our room and announcing to me that his sister was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby and he wouldn't claim responsibility and so he wanted me to go and gather friends to gang up on her boyfriend
b) dealing with my four-year-old nephew and his logic that still surprises me
c) crack and pot induced conversations with michigesso as we both mused over a female Squalo and then she asked for a fem!Squalo fic. So I asked for a pic and in return I'd give her a fic. She gave me a pic within an hour and I gave her this fic within...a week. Her pic can be found in my profile despite the fact that she is too embarassed to say that it is her work of fanart. But seriously pabbomichi, it's nice!

As you read this crackfic, please do not read it seriously despite the drama. I laughed at half the stuff I wrote here. Xanxus may appear OOC but I think he'd treat Squalo a tad bit differently if she were a woman. I mean hell, Xanxus isn't all for women's rights and stuff, Xanxus' rights are all that matters. And there is the fact that women have instant weapons like sharp stilleto heels and nails and other dangerous weapons of destruction in those small tiny purses.

Also any brand name thing you may see here appears to no value for me. I just went to my roommate's girlfriend and asked "hey, what sexy brand name things do you like?" and she gave me a list which I copied down before I gave it to her boyfriend. Who ripped it and threw it away saying, "no fucking way am I buying any shit worth a thousand bucks when I'm still fucking paying tuition." Yeah it's hard on us.

As usual, the characters belong to Amano Akira. Xanxus does too, but he still swears...a whole lot. Enough to raise the ratings. There's one character there that belongs to me, technically but that character is there to add to the drama.

Please enjoy the drama and the lack of plot or any action.

Xanxus' eyes shot open as he woke up with a dull headache. He turned to his left and saw the digital alarm clock which read 7:47 am. Disliking what he saw, he turned to his right and saw his best friend of seven years sleeping in a ball beside him. Naked. Or she had to be since Xanxus could see no trace of clothing on her torso. Sure he had slept with her before but that was only sleeping and it was only when both of them were too overworked to bother brushing their teeth or changing or even going to their own homes to sleep. The night before was a haze but Xanxus knew that it felt all too good, which was why he was planning to wait until she was more presentable to his society before he bedded her. But that all went down the drain as he recalled last night's events.

"Shit, fuck, shit," he muttered as he threw his blankets off of him and got off the bed. He looked at her sleep as he quickly changed into something suitable for a plane trip. She looked much better sleeping than she did when she was awake. When she was awake her expressions varied from sneering, grinning cheekily, frowning, yelling, and doing more ugly things that Xanxus found unsuitable for a girl. Which was why he hated being seen with her if she ever wore a dress—which thankfully was a rare thing. Yet recently she had been growing out her short messy silver hair and began holding her hair up with tacky hairpins and cheap clips. Xanxus never found time anymore to harass her about that seeing as he usually was too busy with working, studying or sticking his tongue down some woman's throat and getting laid. Very hard work for a future manager of a large branch.

"Uh wha'?" Xanxus heard the other say and he quickly tied his silk Armani tie—he knew this because his secretary reminded him each time a reporter asked him. He turned to see her sit up as her blanket slipped and pooled around her waist.

"Hey you flat-chested bitch, get the fuck out cause I'm leaving for Madrid in an hour," he said as he stepped inside his walk-in closet. She looked down at her chest and blushed as she immediately drew the blanket up to her chin.

"X-xanxus?" she asked as she looked at the closet door. Xanxus poked his head out to see her with a worried expression, another rare thing.

"It was a mistake. I was drunk and horny, you were a girl, a drunk girl, so I fucked you. Don't think too much and get the fuck out." She looked shocked at first but that quickly changed to anger.

"I was a fucking virgin! A virgin damn you!" she yelled as she shot off the bed. "Damn it!" Xanxus raised his eyebrow as he slipped his cuff links on.

"Be honoured that you lost it to me you ungrateful whore. I remember you screaming my name and telling me to fuck you harder and harder. So don't you dare act like a pissy bitch now you fucking scum," Xanxus said as moved past her to snap his watch on. "I still expect a proper birthday present when I come back because you can't expect your flat ugly body to be one."

She was fuming at this point as she still held on to the blanket, angry tears welled up but she could do nothing. Nothing at all. "I hate you."

"Oh the pain I feel," he said dryly as he pulled his shoes out. "The door's that way. My people are going to come in a few minutes so I want you go—fuck I didn't brush yet," He hissed as he dropped his shoes and ran to his washroom. She watched him go and slowly turned to her clothes, last night's events playing in her mind. She was mental, absolutely mental to expect or to hope that Xanxus would be serious with her, that Xanxus actually meant anything by finally sleeping with her. It was pointless growing her hair out or trying to appear more feminine, she was still the convenient object for the other. He would never notice her no matter what she would do.

Slipping her jeans on, she noticed a spot of blood on the sheets and quickly whipped the sheets off and hid them under Xanxus' bed. She couldn't find her bra anywhere, not like she needed one with how small she was, and so she quickly slipped her sweater on.

"Bitch you're not gone yet?" Xanxus asked as he stood in front of his bathroom, retying his tie.

"I'm going you assfuck, I'm going," she snapped as she tied her hair roughly and grabbed her bag. "Have fun in Madrid."

"You know I will." Xanxus smirked as he looked at her retreating back.

"Fuck you," she said as she left his loft, slamming the door behind her. Xanxus' smirk disappeared immediately as he turned back to his room. He could still see the scene unfold in front of him and could still hear her as she cried and begged him to stop.

"I'll deal with it when I come back," he said to himself as he slipped his shoes on.


"No way," she whispered as her grey eyes widened with shock. With shaking hands, she set the device on to the counter. Slumping against the wall, she studied her haggard expression in the mirror opposite of her. "No way in hell."

As if it was a bomb, she tossed the device in to the bin nearby the toilet and exited the washroom. As she stumbled across her small dorm room, she quickly tossed on a sweater and pulled on a clean pair of jeans. Scrambling for her cell phone, she looked through the contacts she could call and knew that there really was only one person there to help her. Waiting for the other end to pick up, she looked around the room in panic, feeling ill and nervous.

"Squalo?" the voice asked.

"Lu-lussuria, I-I need y-your help," she stuttered as her voice shook.

"Baby what's wrong? Tell me," the voice on the other end cooed.

"I need to go to the doctor," she said.

"A-are you okay?" Lussuria exclaimed.

"Lussuria, Lussuria I think I'm pregnant." In response, a long silence followed this but eventually Lussuria spoke.

"You sit tight baby and I'll come and pick you up okay?" And so she sat in her room until Lussuria came. He took her to the nearest clinic and explained the problem to the nurses and they tested her. An hour later the doctor called them in and let them sit down before he broke the news.

"Yes you've tested positive and you've been pregnant for at least two weeks now," the doctor said. " this your husband or boyfriend?" Lussuria blinked in shock as he ran a hand through his mohawk.

"Sorry darling but I don't swing that way," he said. "I'm like her big sister okay?"

"Oh, my apologies," the doctor said as he looked away and instead turned to the girl who was studying her fingers. "Now I recommend you to avoid stressful activities seeing as the first trimester is a risky one. If you want, you can come back in a month and we can see how you're doing. If you have a partner I'd like to meet the two of you to discuss things in further detail."

"Thank you," she mumbled as she stood up. Lussuria stood up as well and winked at the doctor who looked taken aback.

"Later doc!" Lussuria sang as he led her out of the office and into the car. It was then when she broke down and unable to do anything else, Lussuria stroked her growing silver hair. "It's going to be okay. If you're going to abort it I understand. If you're going to keep it I'll still understand. I think you should tell him though."

"N-no!" she exclaimed as she looked up. "I'm not supposed to burden him at all!"

"Darling I think he'll notice when you wobble around soon enough with a huge lump on your stomach. And I heard your boobs grow, and here you are an almost flat-chested poor thing."

"I'll quit and move away," she decided as she wiped her tears. "It's all I have left."

"You could abort it," Lussuria suggested.

"I can't get rid of something so harmless when it's my fault," she said, shaking her head.

"What happened if you don't mind me asking?" Lussuria said as he smoothed away the silver locks from her face.

"I don't know. I just remember being very drunk, he was actually pretty drunk too and one thing just moved to the next. When I woke up I couldn't remember much because he kicked me out as soon as I woke up. But it all fell in as the days passed and he's in Spain now anyway. Meanwhile I would feel sick and heavy and I kind of suspected it. Finally when I realized I didn't get my period when I was supposed to I did the test. And n-now, now I'm pregnant."

"Oh baby!" Lussuria cried as he leaned over and hugged her. "Just tell him, he'll understand. It's his fault too."

"You don't get it Lussuria. The reason why I am where I am is partially because of his influence. People are noticing me more know and relating me to him. If they find out I'm pregnant, it would look bad and become a burden on him. I can't risk two careers for the sake of one mistake. I'm still qualified; I'll just quit my internship here and drop out of the university and move away. I have a lot of money to sustain me and the new one for a bit before I get a job."

"You thought about this a lot didn't you?" Lussuria asked in a subdued voice.

"I did, and you have to promise me not to tell anyone," she said.

"I'll take it to my grave Squalo."


"Can you repeat what you said?" Xanxus asked.

"Superbia Squalo resigned last week," the other man said as he nervously shifted his glasses.

"And you're telling me this now?" He glowered.

"Because of your business trip we decided to not say a thing until you came back," the secretary said as he nervously shifted his glasses.

"Fucking scum. Have you contacted her as to why she did that?" he asked as his crimson eyes bore into the other.

"She's not answering her cell phone as it seems she discarded it. She also has dropped out from the university according to their records."

"Bank information?"

"Withdrew all her money and everything, it's like she disappeared," the secretary said.

"Ottavio, do you know something you're not telling me?"

"N-no my lord, I'm not," Ottavio said. "She was going to become a prominent member of the Varia Association and to suddenly withdraw has caused us problems too."

"Leave Ottavio, get out. Get the fuck out," He snapped as he grabbed his marble cigarette stand and threw it at the man. Ottavio dodged and immediately fled the room, leaving the man to sit in silence. "Damnit!"

He threw things around in his office, cursing vehemently at everyone, especially at her. He turned to his table and picked up the one frame he kept because of her persistence. It looked like two young boys—maybe because she was so flat-chested and always wore her hair short when they were young—that were smiling cheekily at the camera. He took the picture out of the frame and let it crash on to the floor as he flipped the photo around. In messy writing, her writing was a small description. 'La, la la it's the ever, ever, ever loyal Squalo and the ever, ever awesome Xanxus! Warriors forever, world domination! Only little teenaged kids now but we'll become strong fighters!'

"Bitch, bitch, bitch." He repeated as he studied her face. He was going to find her, and when he did she would have more than just hell to pay for. "This is why I wanted to fucking wait before I slept with you." And so Xanxus spent the next four to five years expanding his business, studying and trying to hunt down Superbia Squalo. Extremely difficult work for the CEO of the Varia Association, a sister company of the Vongola Enterprises.


"Nonna we'll be leaving now!" Squalo called out as she placed the last suitcase in front of the entrance. The aging woman smiled sadly as she turned away from the boy's face she was wiping.

"My sweet dear I really will miss you," the old woman said as she leaned over and hugged her grandchild. "Squalo my dear, you've grown so much in four years it still surprises me. Your ex-husband made a big mistake leaving you." In response, Squalo smiled uneasily. She had stayed at Lussuria's summer home in Florence for a bit but she soon moved to her grandmother's home in Nice, France where she had to lie in order not to shock her grandmother too much. She had said that she had recently divorced her husband but found out she was pregnant and didn't know where to go, which was slightly true. But her grandmother accepted her with sympathetic arms and helped Squalo rebuild her life. Now that she was finally on her own two feet again and working in a good company, she was being relocated and promoted to Italy and it was just in time as her aunt wanted her mother to live with them instead of being alone.

At first Squalo was skeptical of going back to Italy in case she saw him but after reading some of the Italian news it seemed that he was going to be engaged to a socialite soon and he was now in Rome whereas Squalo would be staying in Milan. It was all safe for her and her child.

"Hey, hey, hey mamma! I'm four! Mamma I'm four!" the little boy exclaimed as his crimson eyes shone.

"Val you're almost four," the mother of the boy said as she ruffled her son's silver hair. "Are you all packed up?"

"Oui, oui!" he said as he stroked his imaginary mustache. "But mamma do we have to say bye to France?"

"Valerio we talked about this. We'll return to visit nonna every year okay?" she said.

"But nonna said she's going to be in Paris! Is Paris far from France?" the boy asked. Squalo smiled and shook her head, not wanting to confuse her child by saying Paris was in France.

"We'll visit every time you want to okay?" she asked as she crouched down to meet her child's eyes. The hair and the lips were hers but everything else was from him, many who had seen him before commented that the child resembled him a lot and Squalo could only laugh it off.

"Okay," Valerio said dejectedly as he hopped down from the chair. He turned to his mother's grandmother and hugged her. "I miss you!"

"I miss you too," The woman said as she patted the child, she turned to Squalo who smiled sadly in front of the door. "I miss you both already."


Lussuria sat in the board room with the other board members of the Varia. It was once just a branch but now had become a sister company of Vongola under Xanxus' guidance. He tapped his shiny nails against the table when his cell phone beeped. Since the meeting hadn't started, Lussuria looked down and checked the message.

'Back with Valerio, come up here on a free day.'

Lussuria's eyes widened as he looked for the name of the sender and when he saw 'S.S.' he was sure his eyes could pop out. Squalo texted him once in a while, it was a risky thing since the fashionista was so high up in the Varia but whenever Lussuria got one he couldn't help but drown in happiness. Squalo had texted him the day after she gave birth, saying the name she chose, then she mentioned she got a job next time and that was it.

"Who's Valerio?" a voice asked and Lussuria snapped to look at a blond male peering at him through his bangs.

"Excuse me naughty prince! Since when did you think you could read other people's mail?" Lussuria chastised.

"Is Valerio your lover?" the blond asked as he grinned sinisterly, "you finally got one that isn't creeped out by you?"

"Oh get this Bel, his initials are actually S.S!" another man with an afro said as he leaned over to look at the cell phone.

"What?" a cold voice asked and all three of them—there was another male present but he was sleeping—looked up to see their boss standing at the entrance. "His initials are what?"

"S.S.," the blond said.

"The message?" their boss asked.

"Back with Valerio, stay up or visit me or something like that," Bel said as he shrugged.

"Lussuria, my office now and give me your cell phone," the boss said as he held his hand out. Lussuria handed the cell phone with shaking hands and then followed the man out of the meeting room. He had totally forgotten how sharp Xanxus had gotten in the years without Squalo and even though he never admitted, he still looked for her.

Shit Squalo, I'm sorry. Lussuria thought.


It didn't take him long to trace the origins of that call. And the call led him to Milan, Italy. He knew that she and Lussuria always had a familial type relationship ever since the two met in high school despite Lussuria being older. He interrogated the flamboyant man after her disappearance but the man was loyal and didn't say a word and after a while he admitted he didn't know where she was or why she left. Yet this time Xanxus knew that the message had to be from her. It had to be.

"Boss it was somewhere around here," a man in shades said as he pointed to a park. Xanxus nodded curtly as he looked around at the children screaming and laughing and at the mothers sitting on the benches. The area was known for being a residential family area and so Xanxus took a deep breath as he smiled and approached a group of women giggling and gossiping.

"Excuse me ladies," he said and the women turned around and some blushed.

"Hello there handsome!" one lady exclaimed as she flirtingly hit Xanxus' arm. Xanxus raised his eyebrow and slightly brushed at his arm before reorganizing his thoughts.

"Is there a Superbia Squalo that lives nearby?" he asked. Xanxus knew he could have easily gotten one of his employees to do this work for him but he wanted to see the bitch himself. The women turned and mumbled between themselves and soon they turned back to Xanxus.

"Are you talking about that tall, leggy woman with the long hair and those really nice clothes?" one of them asked.

"I swear the boots she wore last week had to be from Prada." a woman said.

"And did you see that scarf she wore yesterday? It was so gorgeous!" another woman cooed.

"She even dresses her child nicely!"

"Ah they're so beautiful, I'm so jealous!"

"I wonder who the lucky father is." Xanxus pursed his lips in annoyance.

"No Squalo tends to keep her hair short. Well the last time I saw her it was quite a bit past her shoulders. But she wears baggy sweaters most of the time," Xanxus said as he tried to be as civilized as possible.

"Then it must be a different Squalo," the first woman said. "Ah there is the one we're talking about." Xanxus whipped around to see what the woman was looking at. There was a slightly tall and slender woman wearing large sunglasses, a white button-up shirt with skinny black jeans and something Squalo would have never worn—heels. Her hair was tied up into a high ponytail where the tail reached a bit past her elbows. She looked like one of the women Xanxus could find on magazine spreads, nothing like the Squalo that always wore ratty sneakers and any sweater she found as long as it was clean. Since the sun was behind her, her hair looked blonde but when she moved away from it, it was silver. Just like the kid whose hands she was holding. She was smiling warmly as she spoke to her kid who looked up at her eagerly. Finally the woman sat down on an empty bench and let the child play in the park. Disappointed, Xanxus turned around angrily.

His Squalo—what a funny thing seeing as she technically never was—was nothing like the woman in the park. Sure she was as skinny and tall but the girl he knew could never maintain such long hair or wear the clothing she did without messing it up. Nor did she ever have a pretty smile, Xanxus had never seen her smile like that for anything and was sure that she was incapable of doing so.

"Hey Squalo!" the women called and Xanxus turned to see them waving to her. He turned back to the woman as she took off her sunglasses, and then he knew. He knew immediately because those eyes would never change. Even if she wasn't dressed like the Squalo that Xanxus remembered, she really was the Squalo from four years back.

"Ah even in that she's so pretty. Squalo! Hi there!" A woman sang again as she waved and Squalo smiled kindly and waved back. She didn't even notice Xanxus standing beside the women. Not thinking rationally, he walked right up to her and her eyes widened as she realized who the man was.

"Long time bitch," he drawled.

"X-xanxus?" she stuttured.

"I guess I should be fucking happy you remembered me," he said as he refused to move. Her eyes immediately diverted to the boy in the playground.

"Why are you here?" she asked in a calmed voice as she looked away.

"I could ask you the same fucking thing. What, decided working for me was too fucking boring and left to get hitched to some fucker? Once you lose your virginity you go off to get fucked by anything that has a dick. You fucking slut! Can't you fucking place your job over your own whorish needs first? What a fucking waste of space!" he spat. Squalo flinched slightly as she looked at the other people watching.

"I-it's not like that," she said as she looked back at her son who still played happily, not noticing his mom.

"Oh shut it you piece of shit. You're fucking coming back right now you bitch. You can't just quit and expect people to make up for the shit you did!" he yelled.

"I quit properly Xanxus, I'm working somewhere else now," she said evenly as she stood up. In her heels, she still wasn't at eye level with the other man. "Be professional."

"Well you're going to professionally quit and get your ass back." He looked at the child who finally noticed his mother. "No baggage."

"No baggage?" she asked.

"Meaning you're going to ditch all the useless shit here and throw yourself back to the work you're supposed to do."

"Are you telling me to leave my child?" Squalo asked as her nostrils flared.

"So that's your kid?" Xanxus asked he turned to look at the child who slowly walked to his mother. "Well you might as well leave him and your fucking man or I'll throw you into a lawsuit for leaving without reason and your kid will pay for it." It was obviously a lie since Xanxus didn't think there was something like that but that was the last straw for her as she slapped the other man across the face and stepped away. She gave him a look that Xanxus was familiar with as it was the same look she had given him when she had left his loft years ago. Her hair whipped behind her as she turned to her son.

"Val, come here right now!" she yelled.

"But mamma!" he cried as he fled back to the park.

"Val, right NOW!" she yelled as she marched over to her child and grabbed him. He began to cry but she simply walked on as he thrashed around in her arms.

"Squalo! Squalo I'm warning you!" Xanxus yelled.

"Fuck you Xanxus!" Squalo yelled as she ran off.


She wiped at her face which was swollen from crying as she began packing her suitcase as well as her child's one. "Mamma where we going?"

"I'm going to send you to stay with nonna for a bit, okay?" Squalo said as she put on her child's shoes.

"Oh already? We're going to visit already?" he asked happily and Squalo nodded. It was then when the front door of the house opened after a click and instinctively Squalo braced her arms around her child. He walked in silently and shut the door behind him and immediately turned to the two silver haired people in the corner of the living room.

"H-how?" Squalo stammered as she tightened her grip on the child.

"I'm Xanxus, the CEO of the Varia Association, that's how," he said as his glance flicked to the child and then back at her. He sighed as he looked around. "I'm not going to do anything to him." Yet still Squalo didn't loosen her hold.

"Mamma, who is this uncle?" the child asked as Xanxus stepped in more and looked at the pictures that adorned the walls. Most of them were photos of the boy as he grew up and some had Squalo in them as well, but none had the father. Xanxus narrowed his eyes and turned to the kid.

"How old is he?" he asked.

"That's none of your con—"

"I'm almost four uncle, how old are you?" he asked through his mother's arms.

"Almost four…" Xanxus echoed as he rolled his tongue past his teeth.

"Val!" Squalo exclaimed.

"Mamma, he's almost four too! So he's not an uncle!" Valerio said excitedly as he turned to his mom.

"Where did you live before?" Xanxus asked the kid.

"With my non—"

"Val what did I say about talking to strangers?" Squalo scolded.

"But mamma, he's almost four!" the child cried. Xanxus turned back to the photo in front of him. It was a picture taken outside in which Squalo carried her son as they wore clothing with colors that matched. Xanxus took in Squalo's dark lips and dress as well as her soft expression, something she definitely didn't have before as her lips were usually chapped and she was always frowning or sneering from what Xanxus could remember. His eyes flicked to the child and Xanxus felt like he saw the face somewhere before. He was as tanned as Xanxus was and his eyes were similar too…

"Who's his father?" Xanxus asked suddenly.

"What's it to you?" Squalo hissed as she let go of her kid. "Sit here and don't move."

"Seems he's not important, don't see the fucker anywhere," he said as he motioned around the room. "He doesn't even live here according to the management, just Superbia Squalo and Superbia Valerio."

"Get out Xanxus, please just get out," she said as she pointed to the door. "Please let us live in peace."

"I'm not leaving until I get a fucking explanation for your disappearing act you whore. I fucking go to Spain for a month and come back to see that you're fucking gone!"

"What's fucken?" the child asked as he looked at the man. Valerio had paid no heed to his mother and walked right up to Xanxus.

"Val, I told you to sit there!" Squalo yelled as she made for the boy but Xanxus immediately picked the boy up.

"Do you know who your father is?" Xanxus asked.

"Mamma said he lives far, far away in another world and that maybe one day when I'm older I might see him. Mamma says I look like my papa a lot," he said proudly. "Oh mamma look! We have the same eyes!" He said excitedly as he pointed at Xanxus' eyes and then back at his. Squalo clenched her eyes shut as she rubbed her temples.

"Mamma says you look like papa, huh?" Xanxus said as he sat the child down on to the sofa and Squalo immediately ran over and slapped her child who in response burst into tears. Xanxus took out his wallet and flipped to the last picture as he pushed Squalo aside. He kneeled in front of the child who was crying as he looked to be apologized to by his mother. "Hey, hey stop crying kid. I'll give you err…something good if you stop."

"Really?" he asked as his tears stopped immediately. Xanxus took this opportunity to place the wallet right beside the child's face. The picture in the wallet was of a five-year old Xanxus and his mother that he had kept after his mother's death. He looked between the boy and the picture. The eyes, the nose, the shape of the face, and the tone of the skin, almost all of it matched up. Only the lips and the hair were different. Squalo's lips and Squalo's hair. He turned to look at Squalo who was hiding her face behind her hands as she crouched on the floor nearby the bookcase.

"Go away Xanxus, please go away." Her voice was muffled behind her hands.

"Who is his father Squalo?" Xanxus asked as he stood up again. He fished out a euro coin and gave it to the kid.

"Oh so shiny!" the kid squealed as he ran to the nearest source of light to make it glisten. Xanxus turned back to Squalo and walked over to her.

"Who's his father?" He repeated and Squalo shook her head. He sat down on the floor in front of her and wrenched her hands away from her face. "His father is…?" Squalo closed her eyes and shook her head.

"It's so pretty!" the boy sang as he ran around with the coin, ignoring the two adults. When Squalo refused to say a word, Xanxus gritted his teeth.

"Do you want me to do a paternity test?" he asked. "I can do it right now, just take the kid and go do it right now." He said and finally Squalo looked at Xanxus with wide eyes.

"Why do you care so much?" she asked. "Just leave us alone and live your socialite life with your trophy wife. Leave us alone!"

"Bitch shut the fuck up." Xanxus snapped as he tightened the grip on Squalo's hands. "I'll reword the question so you can fucking answer me properly. Is the father of the kid me or is it someone else?" Squalo's hands tensed up as she closed her eyes shut again. "Answer me unless you really want me to take him fo—"

"It's you!" she said as she kept her eyes shut. "It's you so please go away right now, go away." Xanxus grabbed Squalo's face and raised it.

"I'm not going to go away for sure now," Xanxus said. "Look at me Squalo, fuck bitch look at me!" Squalo opened her eyes and stared at the man in front of her.

"What else do you want?" She asked in a tired voice.

"Four years Squalo, four years. He's almost four now. Why the fuck am I only finding out after so long if he's my own FUCKING KID?" He yelled.

"He's mine too!" Squalo yelled back. "I'm the one who carried him and gave birth to him! He's more mine than he's ever going to be yours!"

"Bitch you—!" Xanxus said as he raised his hand but he held it in mid-air as Squalo immediately flinched and turned away. He dropped his hand and it hung limply by his side. "Why didn't you tell me?" Squalo looked incredulously at Xanxus.

"Tell you? You actually thought I would tell you? I freaking had sex with the biggest bully of my life who kicked me out as soon as I fucking woke up. He told me not to bother him after he took advantage of me. I was eighteen Xanxus, but I wasn't stupid. I'm not stupid. If I told you, my and Val's life would be in danger cause who the fuck knows what would have happened. I mean you had just started your work in Varia and like fuck you would take responsibility for my baby."

"How the fuck do you know?" he countered but Squalo just scoffed as she looked at him with disgust.

"You became known for your no strings attached sex life. Having a kid, it wasn't right and ever since I joined under your leadership I've always been told that in no way was I ever supposed burden you." she said angrily.

"Burden me? What the fuck are you talking about?" Xanxus asked.

"Ottavio and the other officials, they said that if any problems arose in front of you they'd get rid of it. They clearly meant for me or any one that worked under him to not to get pregnant, and what did I do? I got pregnant, so before they could do anything to him and me and I left. If I told you, I didn't know what you would do. But it would have been something stupid." Xanxus processed the information before turning back to her.

"So you were planning to keep him a secret all your life? You were planning to hide something like a living person?" he asked.

"It wouldn't have made a difference to you! It's my fault that I kept him, so I'll take the ownership. I've been fine these past four years!" she yelled.

"The preg-pregnancy," Xanxus began. "It wasn't your fault only Squalo. If you haven't forgotten how two people have sex, it was me that caused it." Squalo blushed furiously as she looked away.

"Please go back to your life the way it was." Squalo begged.

"Have I listened to you before?" Xanxus asked.


"What the fuck makes you think I'll listen to you now? Tomorrow you're going back with me, you and him. I'll announce him as my heir and then—"

"Xanxus no!" Squalo protested. "There's not fucking way I'm going to expose my son to your twisted world!"

"Squalo don't test me, the last thing you're going to want is a custodial fight. And you know that I'd win because I can provide for him much better than you can." Xanxus threatened.

"He doesn't even know who you are!" she yelled.

"That can be fixed in a short time." Xanxus said.

"I'm going to call the police." Squalo threatened.

"On me? Xanxus of the Varia Association? A man just here to visit his long lost child?" Xanxus asked dryly. Squalo slumped against the wall as she took shuddering breaths.

"He was supposed to find out after I died and I hoped to die at an old age so that maybe you might have died too."

"You can't hide from me. I spent four years looking for you."

"But you're getting married to some lady!" she protested. "He's going to be labeled as Xanxus' illegitimate child and I won't give him that label if it kills me!"

"Tabloids are always tabloids," Xanxus said as he sighed, he yanked Squalo up by the shoulder and dragged her to the sofa. "I'm not getting married to anyone. I'll stay here for a week. That should give you enough time to get your shit together and return back to work in your rightful position."

"X-xanxus, no please," Squalo complained.

"Wahhh mamma!" The child cried as he ran from his room and into the living room. "My coin ran away, he's under my bed and I can't reach him!"

"Hey err kid," Xanxus said.

"Valerio," Squalo corrected.

"That's such a fucking weird name," Xanxus whispered.

"Said Xanxus," Squalo replied as she finally smiled weakly.

"What? Can you get my coin back?" their son asked through teary eyes.

"Yeah come here Valerio, look do you want to come to Rome with me?" he asked.

"Is that far from Italy?" he asked. "Will my coin come with me?" Xanxus blinked as he turned to Squalo who merely scoffed and leaned back against the sofa, crossing her arms over her chest. Xanxus turned back to the boy who gave him a demanding look.

"It's um, very close by actually and you'll get more than one coin," Xanxus said shrugging.

"Uncle my age, what's your name?" he asked, satisfied with Xanxus' answer.


"He's your papa," Squalo said as she sat up again.

"I'm already old enough?" he asked as he stared back from Xanxus and Squalo.

"Yeah," she said as she stroked her child's hair. Xanxus studied the two, his supposed family now. "Your papa is crazy to think that we're going to stay with him."

"Then is mamma crazy too? Mamma always says before that she wanted to live in a small house with papa and me and that she wished that papa would see me an--" Valerio said but he got cut off by his mother.

"V-Val! That's all silly non-nonsense!" Squalo yelped as she leapt over and covered her child's mouth. Her hair covered her face from Xanxus' view but the kid was the kind to say all as he pushed his mother's hand away.

"Why are you like a funny tomato mamma? It's not nonsense silly mamma! You said it all!" Val replied stubbornly.

"If you talk anymore then it'll be no TV for a month!" Squalo scolded and her son immediately shut up. But Xanxus saw how useful his own son was as he reached over and pulled him away from his mother.

"Talk all you want. I have a big house with many TVs and lots of…uh kids like toys right? Toys. Lots of them."

"Is there a park there? Can I take my own toys there too? Can I still eat breadsticks?" he asked as he crossed his arms.

"Yeah you can do whatever you want," Xanxus said.

"No you can't," Squalo countered. "At your papa's house there are big evil monsters that will keep bossing you around as they try to take over your life and take you away from me." She then turned to the man beside her. "Xanxus please, he's all I have so don't do this to us."

"What the hell do you mean all you have? You're going to be joining the Varia. I checked up on your work and I can easily bribe your boss to shift you over to us or even fire you. You're going to get such a fucking high position under me I don't know why you're still acting like a whiny bitch."

"What's a whimybich?"

"He said buy me a pitch," Squalo told her son before turning back to Xanxus angrily. "It's not about me, after you get a child it's not about yourself anymore. He's my own flesh and blood and regrettably yours too! I have my—"

"That's why I don't see the fucking problem with you two coming to Rome!" Xanxus yelled. "I mean I'm fucking being the nicest shit I've ever been and you're acting like such an uptight diva! Shit Squalo you changed a whole fucking lot. Even though you truthfully look more fuckable now than you did before it was better when you were the obedient bitch! You're forcing me to act like an ass with you, you damned bitch!"

"Mamma what language is papa talking in?!" Her child cried and Squalo glared at Xanxus before turning to her son.

"Go watch television," she said and her child skipped away happily, obeying his mother finally. She turned back to Xanxus again so that she sat cross-legged on the sofa. "Xanxus I will forever, till I die, be loyal to you but I don't want to go back."

"Like I need that shit." Xanxus scoffed. "I'll set it straight, either you say yes or you say no. If you say yes then within a week you're going to be all set in Rome. If you say no then I'm going to make sure you're ready to be set in Rome in a week." Squalo bit her lip in frustration but eventually she sighed in resignation, in all her years she'd never been able to stand against Xanxus for too long.

"I'll go back but on the condition that I'm only your employee and that I live by myself with Valerio." Xanxus pursed his lips as he studied the woman in front of him. Years apart from Xanxus and having a kid gave her courage that Xanxus would have normally tried to get rid of if she stayed with him.

"Fine, but I get to decide where you live," Xanxus said and Squalo sighed as she nodded. He heard the boy laugh as he watched television and he turned back to Squalo who was smiling softly at the spot where her child had run off to. "Hey bitch, when was he born?"

"The tenth of July," Squalo said automatically. "He hates apples unless you slice them, he's generally picky about food and can change his mind midway through eating. He has a habit of forcing other kids to play along with what he wants to, and he always pulls my hair when he's mad. And he walks around like he owns the world most of the time. He hates it when I don't talk to him when there are a lot of people around and he always bothers me when I'm on the phone. He really does remind me of this one pe—mmfph!"

Squalo was shut off by Xanxus who leaned in to kiss her, and very deeply. Squalo tried pushing Xanxus away but the man was obviously too strong. He immediately began groping her as he kissed her harder. Pulling away to breathe a while later, he loomed over her again. "Since when did your boobs get bigger?"

"They're only an A," Squalo said as she pouted.

"Oh." Xanxus said lightly. "Sucks for you."

"You still never change."

"Can't say the same for you, you demanding whore."

"Fucking jackass."

"Scummy bitch." They were quiet for a bit before they burst out laughing which distracted their son who stormed into the room to tell them to shut up.


"Everybody, I present to you my fiancé Superbia Squalo." Xanxus announced as he raised his glass to the woman at the other end of the banquet hall. All eyes turned to her as she was bent down, wiping her son's sticky face as he devoured the fruits he dipped in the chocolate fountain. Women muttered jealously as they studied her long smooth legs that were accentuated by black heels, "custom-made Louboutins, I heard Lord Xanxus ordered it for her" one of them murmured. Her dress was a short red one that only made her look sexier. Not like she knew any of this as she stopped what she was doing and stared dumbfounded at the man on the other end. People began to clap after the initial surprise as Squalo still stared speechless. But Xanxus' smirk snapped her back to reality as he downed his drink in one go and raised the empty glass back at her. Squalo grit her teeth and unable to control her anger she stood up and charged over to Xanxus.

"You're seriously the biggest regret of my life!"

But Xanxus didn't know that it would be him that would come to struggle in his life from his rash decision. But that's another story.

You read all that, for that I congratulate you. I would have made it a two-shot but it wasn't a fic worth chaptering. I plan to make a series for Xanxus as he deals with the changes in his life, if you guys would like that is.

Anyway, hope you liked it enough to review, or hated it enough to tell me why you won't review (which is still technically a review).