Brown Study: a mood of deep absorption or thoughtfulness; reverie
*I do not own Twilight. If I did, I would be off doing deplorable things with shady people with the money I made*
I can't help but giggle as Jane continues to flick the tiny stone hanging from my bellybutton.
"I can't believe you did it! You are so brave!"
It tickles and I laugh.
"I am so grounded if my parents find out. Okay, we're done with mine, lemme see yours," I say, grabbing her shirt and lifting it up just enough for me to see her piercing.
"See? Nothing girly like yours, Bella. Although I think I love the one you got."
My best friend's stomach is a little flatter than mine, and way tanner. We turn and look towards my bedroom door to make sure no one is lurking around before we lift our shirts again to get another look at what we've done. It was something we decided to do one day while watching an old Britney Spears video on YouTube. We wondered why it's no longer as popular as it used to be, and decided to bring it back. Why not?
Even though we had planned to get it done together, we couldn't, because Jane's parents decided to take her on a cross-country road trip all summer and except for the week I spent in Phoenix with my Aunt Liz, I was stuck in Forks. Aunt Liz has the coolest tattoos and piercings. Jane and I spent the summer texting back and forth and calling each other every night. When I was in Phoenix I mentioned the idea to my aunt, and she agreed to take me. I let Jane know I wasn't going to wait until my eighteenth birthday like we had planned. All I had to do was promise Aunt Liz that I'd never let her big brother – my dad – know she was involved. So Jane and I got our bellybuttons pierced on the same day, but thousands of miles apart.
We go back to school in two days to start our senior year of high school, and since Jane just got back this morning, we aren't spending a minute apart this weekend. There is a lot to catch up on. Well, not really, but we're used to hanging out every day.
"Okay. So. We need to discuss Peter. Bella, what happened?" Jane's hand is on my arm, dragging me to the bed. We sit across from each other and I take a deep breath before responding.
"Nothing happened. I just knew… I mean, what's the point?" I avoid her eyes because I know the accusatory look she's giving me. She has been giving me this same look for over thirteen years now.
"Bellaaa, just because you know he's not Hat Guy, doesn't mean you can't have fun and date him."
"It's not about that. He was just…" I stop talking before I overshare. Jane gets annoyed when I overshare.
"Just what, Bella?" she asks.
"Ok, don't go all 'TMI, Bella' on me," I warn.
"Just tell meee."
"Fine, he just… it didn't feel good with him. Like, nothing felt good with him. Everything was… meh."
"Meh," she repeats.
"Meh." I nod.
"Alright, was it as bad as it was with Seth?" Jane asks.
I shake my head. "Nothing is as bad as it was with Seth. Anyway, I was obviously exaggerating. It wasn't bad with Peter… it was just… he couldn't make me, you know."
Jane's eyes open wide. She looks away, playing with her bracelet and suddenly looking very glum.
"I mean he could. But like, only by mounting me and rubbing up against me for the longest time. Which is awesome, but… never with his fingers or his – "
"Don't." Jane shudders. "I really don't want to know about Peter and his…"
"I was gonna say mouth." I laugh.
"Gross Bella, that's even worse!"
I throw my old bear at her. "Omg! I'm not a slut. I've made out with what? Three guys?"
Jane throws the bear back at me. "So you're still…"
"Yes, I'm still a virgin. I guess."
She lets out a deep breath and seems relieved.
"What does that even mean?"
Now I'm hiding behind the fucking bear. "I haven't had sex. But I've done everything but. And I'm technically not a virgin," I explain.
"I haven't even been kissed. How is it that everything happens to you?" Jane complains. "All the guys want you."
Yeah, right. Jane is beautiful. She's much prettier than me, but isn't half as friendly. We were both the shy kids growing up, which is how we became friends. She just stayed shy. Maybe shy is not the right word. Jane is just antisocial.
"Well, you turn everyone down. Seth asked you out first, and you rejected him. Peter is not your type, and well, I'm pretty sure you'd rather not be kissing your own brother."
"We're not discussing you and Jasper again. So… wrong!"
I giggle. "Jasper's a good kisserrrrrr…" I sing. "Also, his – "
"No. No. No."
Jane covers her ears with her hands and rolls onto her side. She hates hearing about the summer Jasper and I fooled around. We were just experimenting. Two fifteen year olds having fun. Unfortunately, once Jane found out about her best friend and twin brother, she refused to speak to either of us for a month.
When she finally opens her eyes and looks at me, I laugh, this time throwing a pillow at her.
"Come on, it's time to go," I say.
"Yeah, let's do this."
Jane and I run down the stairs and out of the house, jumping into my truck to spend one last day at the beach. It's a little chilly but we'll get to show off our piercings and have some fun. We end up having a good time, meeting a group of local boys who are clearly into Jane and make her blush. She ends up ignoring them and I am yelling at her on our way back to the truck when I get a little carried away jumping around. The next thing I know, Jane is dragging me into the ER because my ankle hurts like a motherfucker.
I sit there patiently waiting for a doctor to see me. My foot is in Jane's lap and she is telling me stupid stories to get my mind off the pain. She already called my mother who is on her way from Port Angeles, where she spent the day shopping.
"So, any new dreams?" Jane asks.
I sigh. "Nothing new…"
"Bullshit, Isabella. You've been having more of them, I can tell. Have you been seeing more of him?"
I have, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it yet.
"Nothing different, the same stuff," I tell her.
"Just you guys hanging out, walking around?"
"Yes. Nothing else. I swear I'd tell you," I assure her.
Jane sighs. "Why are these dreams so special then? I mean…"
I stop her before she can deliver one of her special lectures.
"We've been through this. I just know. Just like I knew about Jasper and that Maria girl. Like I knew you'd fall from the roof that day. Don't look at me like that, I told you it would happen two years before it did and that was not a coincidence. I just know he's…"
Jane interrupts me. "You're so silly, Bella Swan. But I believe you. He's it."
"So, tell me about the new dreams. You may be sorta psychic, but I know a lie when I hear one." She smiles.
I smile back, wincing when I feel the pain in my ankle where Jane's hand accidentally brushed against it.
"Well," I start, "he kisses me. And…"
"And every time I see it my heart explodes."
"Oh," she says.
"Uh huh." I blush.
Jane reaches out and pinches my cheek. I slap her hand away.
"So, describe it. I want to draw it," she says.
I think of the dozens of drawings she has done of the man I've described to her. I have one in my favorite book that doesn't leave its spot on my bedside table.
"Same. Same smile. Same nose. Same jaw. Same stupid hat. His eyes close when he laughs, and he almost looks like a little boy."
He is also tall, and I am always looking up at him. His Adam's apple is big, and I swear it's always telling me to kiss it. There is hair on his chest which I can see peeking out of his thin white t-shirt. He doesn't shave too often because there's always a fascinating amount of scruff. His fingers are long and they are always on me. His eyes make my heart beat faster.
"So he looks the same…"
"Yep." I smile shyly. Jane is my best friend and the only one I discuss these things with, but it still feels somewhat silly talking to her about this man I "see" once in a while.
Actually, Bella, lately it's been almost every night.
Jane stretches and puts her very long, blonde hair into a bun. "Well, at least you know what's in store for you, right?"
I do. I have no doubt. My dreams have never failed me. Jane doesn't know the half of it, really. It's mostly little things I see, I feel, I dream. It's like I'm hyper-aware of everything, I know stuff a minute before it happens. And then the major dreams… those still freak me out. They just come to me, no matter where I am. But lately, it's just him. Hat Guy. And it's always at night. And the warmth I feel in my body when I "see" him is incomparable to anything else. Peter would kiss me for hours and I didn't feel the tingles deep inside me that I feel when Hat Guy's lips finally touch my skin. Why would I want a boyfriend who doesn't make me feel one one-hundredth of what I feel with someone I see in visions? I think I should just wait for him to show up.
Unfortunately, I don't think he shows up until I'm older. My hair is shorter, I look like I'm twenty-three, twenty-four. I wear boring clothes people wear to work and always tie my hair back. He finds me in some room I always sit in, which I assume is the living room in my apartment someday. Sometimes we are in a big classroom instead. The classroom is full of students, but I don't think we are in college since there are a lot of older people present. One thing that makes me sad is that I never see Jane, and Jane is always in my dreams. I wonder where she is in the future. A Janeless future. I can't even imagine not being around my best friend.
After reminding me for the fortieth time since I first "saw" Hat Guy to Google the hat and find out which team's logo is on it, Jane starts humming a sad melody. I close my eyes and try to picture it, but can't remember the letters or words. Was there a picture? I don't think so. It can't be that important, anyway. I'd recognize him anywhere, hat or no hat. Right? Maybe.
Jane is still humming and I am lost in my thoughts when someone appears from behind the curtain.
I look up and gasp. Jane's hand clutches my arm. It's trembling.
The smile. The jaw. The nose. The eyebrows. The... the…
"I'm Dr. Cullen. Let's see that ankle of yours."
There you go. Feel free to ask me questions, leave me your thoughts, anything you'd like. Reviews for a first chapter are great. I would really appreciate them. Also, my friends won't have to listen to me bitch about the lack of feedback 24/7 if you review. Have pity on them.
Speaking of friends, I'd like to remind all of you that WriteOnTime and Kassiah are amazing. They truly are.
I'd like to thank them, as well as Jadedandboring and Snshyne, for reading this for me and letting me talk about it for weeks. The same goes for GiveUsAkiss413 and Spargelkun. They are all probably sick of me at this point.
And a major shout-out to my Nutella girls: writeontime, ciaobella27, spanglemaker9, the-glory-days, and TallulahBelle. Do you read their stuff? You should.
Let me know what you think :)