A happy belated birthday, Lelouch! I promise not to make Suzaku and Clovis suffer any less than you! Or at least, I'll try my best.
With this, I once and for all give up the fight against the random crack!plot bunnies. From this day forward, I shall serve them, treasure them and curse them to the World of C.
And if that still does not appease them, I shall tell Lelouch that they bit Nunnally in the nose and laugh at the result like the evil fangirl I am.
In the first oneshot of this collection, beware of... well, actually, just make sure that if your name is Lelouch and you want to commit regicide, you do it right. Or better yet - learn from Macbeth and don't do it at all, as I rather like the royal would-be victim in question (hint, hint! ...What do you mean, painfully obvious?), but I guess that'd be too much to ask.
Macbeth Could Have Told You
„So you really don't know anything..." Lelouch deactivated his Geass.
The moment he did, Clovis flinched back from the gun still aimed at his head. "I swear it wasn't me!" he exclaimed, his voice panicked, his hands coming up as though they would be able to protect him from the force of the bullet. "I had nothing to do with it!"
"I know," Lelouch acknowledged, lowering the weapon. His half-brother's arms slowly followed the movement; but before the relief could start to sink in, Lelouch stepped forwards. "However..."
"S-stop it! We may not share the same mother, but I am still your brother!"
The gun was now pointing right between Clovis' eyes. "The world can not be changed by pretty words alone," Lelouch declared.
And with that, he pulled the trigger.
Click. Click. Click.
Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.
Clovis' arms slowly came down again. The Princes stared at each other.
It was so quiet they could almost hear each other's heartbeat.
All the atmosphere was ruined when Clovis broke into laughter.
Lelouch continued to stare, unable to process what had just happened.
"C-can't breathe," Clovis eventually managed, after about fifteen minutes. "O-oh God, this is just too much."
Lelouch was still staring, gun frozen in place.
"D-don't tell me-," Clovis began, just to be cut off by another fit of laughter. "Please don't tell me this is really what it looks like." The fact that Lelouch just kept staring was answer enough. "O-oh God, this must be... the most anticlimactic... you forgot the bullets?"
That snapped Lelouch out of his trance. "I took this gun from a soldier on active duty! How should I know-"
"A soldier on active duty under my command," Clovis interrupted him, and he looked as if the only thing keeping him from slapping his knees was the thought of how undignified that would appear. Not that he was the epitome of composure as it was. "The only reason they can be called security is that there are so many of them that at least some are bound to get it right when it matters. I-I can't believe you forgot to check..."
"Do me a favour and suffocate!"
"Oh God, little brother, who would have though you'd become so hilariously imprudent when on a vengeance fueled power trip! That's-"
"Shut up!" Lelouch cut him off, and if his tone of voice wasn't enough to make the man in front of him heed the order, the suddenly red glowing eye certainly was. Clovis, having spent quite some time researching the subject, recognized Geass for what it was. At the very least, he knew he was facing a powerful weapon. The last remainders of his amusement evaporated when his brother opened his mouth, "I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you... die!"
Then, Clovis once more burst out laughing.
"Why...," Lelouch began, his voice barely a murmur. "Does this mean... it only works once on a person?"
"God, you're killing me," Clovis gasped. "Need air..."
"Shut up!" Lelouch snapped, throwing away the gun. "It's only the two of us! I can still-"
That only pushed Clovis further over the edge. Which, really, shouldn't have been humanly possible. "What? Strangle me with your bare hands? You used to be glad when you managed to keep up with Euphie, and she wore the most impractical dresses! Don't tell me you've been making an effort to become less than hopeless in the physical department of things since then – I don't think I'd be able to take it."
Lelouch clenched his fists. Twenty-five possible courses of action flashed through his mind, but none with a favourable outcome. His own trap had closed in on him.
"All right," Clovis finally said, his amusement still evident, but more controlled. "I'm over it, I think. For now. I'm sure the shock caused by a near-death experience will come back to haunt me later on, but at the moment, I'm as sane as I've ever been. Wait, that's not really reassuring, is it? Oh well." He shrugged and got up.
Lelouch couldn't help taking a step backwards when his brother reached for him.
And neither did he manage to keep himself from staring, again, when Clovis ruffled his hair. "I knew there was a reason I've been missing you so much! You may not be good for my blood-pressure, and I'm sure you've cut my life short by at least a decade just in the last half an hour or so that you've been back, but compared to the prospect of life-long boredom I'd been facing before your miraculous return, that's really nothing."
He regarded the boy appraisingly. "Oh my, you've grown – and you still look a lot cuter than you really are! Are you popular with the girls? You must be! And I take it Nunnally is also well? Yes? That's lovely! You really don't want to come back to Britannia? Ah, please stop with that murderous glare, it's somewhat unsettling. ...Well, not much better, but you take what you can get. Now, I suggest we forget about this fratricide thing – it's terribly unbecoming - and discuss the matter like grown men. See, that 'the world can not be changed by pretty words alone' line of yours doesn't sound too bad, but I have some issues with your interpretation of it. Your mother used to say 'do not shoot your relatives in the head'. Well, actually, it was 'stop trying to stab your brother with the silverware', but the message is the same. Therefore-"
Lelouch really wished he hadn't thrown away that gun. Maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to knock himself out with it before his brother noticed anything was off.
The way it was, he could only suffer in silence - and contemplate the question that had occupied many nobles before him:
Did Clovis ever shut up?
As the summary implied, this is a collection of extremely random oneshots. Most will be either gen or shounen-ai, but there may also be het. Generally, keep your eyes open for warnings at the beginning of each chapter!
The focus, however, lies not on the very possible pairings, but crack. Crack is what all these fics have in common, and crack is what makes me write this. Some chapters will only consist of a few lines, and some will be completely and utterly stupid - in a good way, I hope, but you never know. Don't expect anything overly witty, as this kind of thing is what I write when I need a break. Lean back, enjoy, and, if you have the time, tell me if I managed to amuse you.
It will make me grin!