I can feel the filling and emptying of lungs of the girl breathing in my arms. We're sitting on the couch in the silence, and I can't help but smile as I look upon the head of the blonde girl I am in love with. I tighten my grip on her for a second, then kiss her on the top of the head. She semi pulls away as I do this, and I look at her questioningly, but don't say anything.
This is the way it's been lately. She isn't happy. And it scares me. We had just graduated college a couple of months ago, so you'd think she'd be the happiest in a while. But she isn't. Instead, I wake up in the middle of the night to her crying next to me. I have tried talking to her about it, but she just tells me nothing's wrong. I know she's lying to me, and I wish she would just let me know what was wrong.
Lilly then unwraps herself from my arms, and walks to the kitchen. The swinging door swings quite fast after she enters the room. If it were a regular door, it would have slammed. That's how it's been for the past month or so.
I sigh, digging my face into my hands. I wanted to help her find whatever it was that she was looking for. But she wouldn't let me in. My face is still in my hands when she walks back into the room. I look up to her, staring at me, with a glass of wine in her hands. She never was much of a drinker, but now, she is.
"What?" She asks, looking straight at me.
"Drinking wine again?" I ask back, not knowing what to say to her anymore.
"Um. Yeah." She simply says, and sits on the couch... the opposite end as the side I'm sitting on. She isn't looking at anything as she sips the red wine out of the regular glass, since we have no wine glasses in our apartment. Her eyes don't convey any emotion. Instead, she just stares at the wall ahead. A single tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes away at it quickly, hoping I didn't see.
In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun.
Oh dear you look so lost.
Eyes are red and tears are shed.
This world you must've crossed.
"Lilly?" I ask, putting my hand on her shoulder.
"What?" She snaps at me, and turns her head viciously in my direction. Then shakes off my hand.
"Are you ok?" I stare at her as she looks back in front of her... almost refusing to look back at me.
"Damnit Oliver. I've told you so many fucking times. I'm fine." I could see the wine in her glass splashing slightly from her shaking, as another tear rolls down her cheek. "I'm fine."
"Ok. Lilly... you are not fine." I scoot to sit directly next to her.
"I am fine Oliver!" She almost yells at me. "Don't you tell me I'm not ok! I'm fine! Get off my back!" She stands up then, splashing some of her wine on our white carpet. "Fuck! Look at what you made me do Oliver!" She storms out of the room, into the kitchen, still holding onto the glass of wine.
I stand up too, and walk myself over to a picture of the two of us we have on the t.v. stand. I pick it up and look at it. The two of us, laughing at a friend's party. I miss this.
Lilly walks back in with carpet cleaner. The glass is now filled with even more wine than before. She sits on the ground, rubbing the hell out of it, hoping to get out the stain. It doesn't come out. Not even a little bit.
"DAMNIT!" She yells, throwing down the towel she has in her hands. She takes her legs out from under her and sits crossed legs in front of the stain.
I take one look at her, wanting to cry myself. "Lilly?" I quietly say as I sit down her to her. I don't touch her, and I try not to say too much after that. She was breaking. I didn't need to push her.
"I can't stay here..." She quietly says. I can't decide if it was more of to herself or if she was saying it to me as well.
You don't know me, you don't even care.
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.
"What do you mean you can't stay here?" I ask back to her anyway. I was becoming scared. Did she want to leave me?
"I just have to go... ok?" She stands up again, leaving the cleaning products on the floor where they lay. She grabs onto her glass of wine again and takes a big gulp of it.
"Lilly Lilly Lilly..." I say, trying to grab the wine from her.
"No." She says, and pulls it away from me, finishing off the rest of it.
Before I can even try to stop her, she goes into the kitchen once again. But instead of coming back with just an even fuller glass of wine, she comes back with that and the bottle with her so she doesn't have to go into the kitchen again. "Lilly. Why have you been drinking so much lately?" I ask her, still sitting on the floor.
"What do you mean?" She asks, sitting in a chair on the other side of the room.
"You never used to drink." I say, staying on the floor. "Now you drink all the time."
"Not all the time." She says, taking another drink.
"You have to admit. It's more so than it used to be. That's for sure."
"What's it to ya?" She says to me, in a way she has never spoke before.
"I'm worried about you." She doesn't even blink in my direction after I say this. "I mean, when people drink like you've been doing, that usually means something's wrong with them. What's going on Lilly?"
She looks at me, emotionless. This goes on for a little while until she looks at me long enough for tears to begin coating over her eyes. "I don't know. I just don't feel right anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I can't fucking stand it here anymore. I feel lost... hopeless. I don't belong here. I'm done with college. I'm finished. If that's the case then why am I still here? Why haven't I found a career? Why haven't I made something out of myself? I shouldn't be here anymore." She says, standing up from her spot. She takes one look at me, then looks away again. "I can't stay here anymore..." A single tear rolls down her cheek.
Essential yet appealed.
Carry all your thoughts across an open field.
When flowers gaze at you.
they're not the only ones who cry when they see you.
Hoping she doesn't back away like she has every other time I near her, I stand up from the floor, and walk over to her. As soon as I'm here directly in front of her she wraps her arms around my neck, and holds on for dear life... the glass still in her hands. "Lilly?" I quietly ask, wrapping my own arms around her.
"Oliver. I need to leave."
I pull away from her, so I can see the face pressed against my chest. "Lilly... what do you mean? Are you saying you want to leave me or what?" My heart breaks, even thinking of this possibility.
"I don't want to leave you..." She quietly says into my chest. If it weren't for me knowing her so well, I wouldn't have been able to understand what she had just said.
"Well then what are you trying to tell me?"
"I'm done." She rips herself apart from me and talks another gulp of the wine.
"Stop doing that." I almost yell at her, trying to grab the wine from her once again. "You aren't making any sense."
She pulls the wine from me again. "Just let me have my drinks. So what if I want to blow off some steam with a couple of drinks?" She finishes her third glass.
"Lilly... this is way more than a couple of drinks."
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?!" She screams, throwing her glass across the room. It breaks against the wall, causing the glass to spread into pieces of all shapes and sizes.
She stares at me, staring at her. Her breathing becomes heavy and she's shaking almost non-stop, like she was in an ice storm. Her chin is shaking really quickly, and her blue eyes are producing more tears than I've ever seen come from one person's eyes. "Lilly..." I say, starting to cry myself.
I take one step towards her, and she screams, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT! I just... can't handle it anymore..." She quietly finishes before breaking down onto the floor, her knees turning into jelly.
I want to hold her, to try to make her feel at least a fraction better. But I can't. All I can do is stare at her, broken on the ground of our living room floor, glass broken across the room, and drips of red wine all over our carpet.
After minutes of staring at her crying, I decide that even if she doesn't want me there, I sit down with her anyway. I wrap both of my arms around her and cradle her. She quickly, without any thought, pushes herself into me, warm tears rolling down her cheeks and off onto my shirt.
You don't know me, you don't even care.
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.
"Lilly... please just explain to me what's going on."
She rips herself from me once again, but this time she just stares at me. "I don't belong in California anymore. I don't belong here anymore. I don't like the weather. I don't like the people. I don't like the atmosphere. I just don't want to be here anymore."
I try not to make it obvious, but my heart is breaking because of the not liking people statement. I'm afraid that includes me. "I'm sure you just need a change of pace or something."
"Fuck, Oliver..." She says quietly, tucking her face in her knees. "It's like you don't even know me anymore."
My heart breaks again. "I don't know you anymore?"
"You don't look at me the same. You haven't noticed I'm changing. And you don't have to go through the shit I have to. A crummy job with a dumbass boss. You have an amazing career already. I went to college to get a good career, didn't I? Why am I still at the lame job I had to support me as I went through college? And my parent's divorce a couple years ago. I've lost all my friends. My brother fucking died, Oliver." She stares at me. "And you think you can fucking fix it by holding me, or trying not to let me drink whenever I become stressed. I don't need that shit. I need to just sit here, have you have a drink with me, and watch a lame movie while eating popcorn. Or just to say... 'Let me know what's going on in your life Lilly'. You just always assume I'm fine."
"No. I really don't. I just figure I should give you your space."
She stands up again, and I look up at her. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I FUCKING WANT OR EVEN WHAT I NEED!" She storms into the kitchen again, but this time comes out with a beer bottle. "I NEED A MAN OLIVER! AND SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE SURE I'M OK WHEN I'M NOT!" She takes a big gulp of the beer.
For the first time since this conversation started, I stand up, and yell back at her. "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHEN THAT IS?! I'M NOT A FUCKING MAGICIAN LILLY! I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO MAKE YOU REALIZE THAT I LOVE YOU AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE!" At this point the both of us are crying, and I now feel horrible for having yelled at her. I watch her take another drink and hold back the tears, "I'm so sorry Lilly." I quietly say to her, taking a step closer.
But it was too late. "FUCK YOU OLIVER OKEN!" She screams, throwing her beer bottle at the wall behind me. She didn't throw it at me, but I know if she could have without hurting me, she would have. She takes another look at me, and runs out of the room, tears still flowing out of her eyes.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain.
I stand there, not being able to believe I had just screamed at her. And what had happened afterwards. After a few minutes I decide to try to find where she went. It took no time at all to discover that that area was in fact our bedroom. She had her suitcase wide open on our bed, and she was throwing clothes into it. "Lilly." She ignores me. "Lilly?" I walk over to the bed, and sit on it. She begins to walk away, but I stop her by grabbing her arm. She looks down at me. "I'm sorry." Are the only words I can manage to say.
"No. No you really aren't." She pulls her arm out of my grasp and continues to pack.
"Lilly... please... this can't be the end."
She turns to me. "I don't want it to be either. But I can't be here anymore. I need a break. I need time away from here. I need to find myself. You need time apart from me. And I need some from you. I don't want to be here anymore."
"I can go with you. Wherever you want to go. I can go with you."
"No! I want to go by myself."
"I'm going to Boston."
"Boston? What's in Boston?"
"No name knows my name..." She says, throwing more stuff into the bag.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
"You'll be completely lost there."
"I don't care. I want to be somewhere where no one knows me. I want to start over. You know, I've never seen snow, Oliver." She smiles. "It's snows in Boston."
"What about everyone here?" I ask, becoming more and more nervous as the seconds roll on.
"They don't need me."
"I need you."
She stops what she's doing, completely, and turns around to look at me. "You don't need me."
"I need you more than you could ever know."
"No, really. You really don't."
"I'm in love with you Lilly. What happened to you feeling the same way?"
I'm expecting her to say it back to me... but she isn't. Her mouth opens, and she looks like it's difficult for her to make words could out. "I don't know who I am anymore." And she starts packing once again.
I am frozen where I sit, as she walks all around the room, packing. I cannot speak, and I cannot move. The only thought racing in my mind are possible ways I could get her to stay.
"You're my best friend Oliver." She says, noticing the look on my face. But she still won't sit next to me, or even touch me. "And I'm sure that I do love you. I was in head over heels in love with you for the longest time. It's just lately, I don't know who I am anymore."
I look up at her. "So you decide to throw beer bottles at me?" I stand up, looking at her angrily. "I'm your best friend, but beer bottles are fun to throw at me. What a lovely passtime. Let's see... how else can we break Oliver's heart?"
Her eyes were tearing up again. I had done it twice in not even a hour. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"WELL YOU HAVE A REALLY BAD WAY OF SHOWING IT!" I scream at her, not being able to take the abuse anymore. She is hurting me. And whether she's meaning to or not, I cannot handle it anymore.
She looks at the ground, "I'm so sorry Oliver."
I try to caught my breath, as I say, "I'm sorry too Lilly." I move a little forward to hug her again, but decide against it. "Do you need help packing?"
"Sure." She looks at the ground before she begins packing again.
You don't know me.
You don't even care.
"How long have you been thinking about leaving?" I ask.
"A month." She truthfully says, wiping away at her many of tears. And as much as I want to hold her, I try my hardest not to make contact with her. We begin to work around each other, getting things together in piles.
"When do you want to leave?"
"I'm thinking a week."
"Really? That soon from now?"
"How long are you planning on staying there?"
"As long as it takes."
My heart stops. "Yeah... as long as it takes. Good. I hope you find what you're looking for." I say, continuing to pack for her.
I can see out of the corner of my eye, her looking up at me, and slightly smiles. It makes me sad, because it doesn't have the same spark that it used to have.
Boston... no one knows my name.
No one knows my name.
No one knows my name.
"I'm going to go to the living room." I say, not being able to look at the crying girl I was in love with, who didn't know if she was in love with me anymore's face.
When I get in there I am instantly reminded of broken beer bottles and glasses that were once filled with wine. I sigh. I suppose it was time to clean this up. So I get going on it. I pick up all the broken glass of the beer bottle first, and get a wet rag, soaking up all the beer left on the ground. Lilly hadn't drank much of it before throwing it in my direction.
I was onto the glass of the cup that was filled with wine when Lilly walks into the room. But I don't pay attention to her walking into the room. Then she sits right next to me, and grabs onto my arm, making me stop my cleaning.
She grabs onto my face, and looks me straight in the eyes. "I'm so sorry Oliver. I never meant to hurt you. I'm just so mixed up right now."
And despite the fact that Lilly had just told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore, I grab her back, and close the gap in between our lips. I find it hard to do, as Lilly does not want the kiss as much as I do. So I stop, and instead hug her as tightly as I can. "Please don't leave me." I whisper, without meaning to say it in the first place.
"I'm sorry Oliver, but I have to." She pulls away from me at that point, but she holds my hand in hers.
"Promise me you'll come back to me?"
She looks at me with sad eyes. "I can't promise you that."
I look at the ground. Yeah, I figured she wouldn't be able to. "Well can you promise me something else?" I look back up at her.
"I'll try my hardest."
I sigh before saying, "Find what it is you're looking for. When you're out there in Boston don't let anything slow you down. Don't let anyone take advantage of you. If you find a guy," I take a big gulp, holding back my tears, "make sure he treats you right. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve."
She smiles. "I promise." I smile back at her. "Thank you Oliver." She holds me into another hug.
I grab her back, and say, "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too." She says, squeezing onto me.
"I love you..." I say, even though I know it doesn't help anymore than it did before.
She doesn't say anything, just like I expected. Then I hear really quietly, "I love you too."
My heart skips a beat, but I don't say anything back to it. Instead I pull apart from her, and start cleaning up the broken glass yet again. And Lilly, still sitting by my side, begins to help.
No one knows my name.
(There are parts of this that could have been written better. But for the most part, I like it. :) Reviews please... I'd like to know what you think.)