A/N: This is the last you guys will see of this story. I will miss it too, but please no tears. You will ruin my silk shirt. Hey! You! I see you tearing up, and I am telling you to stop that right now.
Nah, I love you guys. You can cry if you want. Lord knows I don't have no money for silk shirts. All my money goes to the liquor fund…
A year had passed since that rushed day in the judge's office when they exchanged simple gold bands and become husband and husband. Their only guests had been Jacob's family (which included Charlie Swan), Seth and Leah, and Luna and Hermione. Neville showed up after the ceremony, his delayed flight having prevented him from being there for the ceremony. To everyone's relief, Hermione and Neville were pleasant enough to each other.
No one bothered to get dressed up, which both grooms were grateful for. Their life-long hatred of formal wear didn't change on their wedding day, so both were happy to be free to not don a tuxedo.
But now it was their anniversary, and Harry had promised that, "This will be a night to remember, with lights on the dimmers and dripsy violins just out of sight."
Jacob was ready to be romanced, but Harry was making them late. He checked his watch and groaned. They were over an hour late for their Reservation.
"Come on! Don't you have any human decency?"
Harry paused in buttoning his shirt and raised an eyebrow, retorting, "If you would kindly show me a human, I might."
Finally dressed, he led the way to the door. They were staying in a hotel in Toronto for the week, leaving their house in the capable hands of Luna and Leah. Harry had warned them before leaving that he would track them down and murder them with his bare hands if he found any sign of them having sex in their room. Leah gave him her scout's honor, but he didn't trust that.
In the elevator, Harry noticed that Jacob was sulking. He sighed.
"Do you still love me?"
Jacob grunted an affirmative but still wouldn't look at him.
"Oh come on. When it comes to relationships, I'm a bargain. I have my faults, but think about how much worse it could be!"
"You're not much of a bargain. You're conceited and thoughtless and messy. And you snore!"
Harry gaped at him, "You bastard! I most certainly do not snore! Besides, you're the one who steals all the covers."
He just laughed, obviously cheered up now, and changed the subject. "Hey, remember when Charlie tried to convince us to let Bella and fucking Edward come to our wedding? Do you remember what you said?"
Harry frowned, trying to remember. He gave up, "No, I don't recall. Why?"
Jacob tried to tell him, laughed, and had to try again, "You said…well, you yelled, 'I don't want that bogus sniggering son of a whore Cullen to ruin our goddamn wedding!'"
"What? I did not!"
"And then there was that part during the reception. You got really drunk and then started bemoaning the blatant illiteracy of your ex-students, right in front of Seth."
Harry huffed, "And then you were very mean to me."
"I was not mean! I just pointed out that when you sink into self-pity, it's time for me to take you home. And then I kindly offered to drive you and you turned me down with some bullshit excuse."
"It was not bullshit! I made a very valid point. I said that I would prefer not to be driven by you because the last time you drove me home we were stopped by a policeman."
Jacob flapped a hand, stepping out of the elevator and taking Harry's arm in his. They called a taxi outside, and once inside he continued their conversation.
"Oh please Harry. Don't be so dramatic. He was just being officious."
"And then when you arrived at our house you honked the horn derisively to wake the landlady!"
He crossed his arms, though obviously still amused, "I like that! Who was falling asleep when my dad was talking to you?"
Harry, with careful dignity, turned his nose up, "I believe that I politely took my leave, followed closely by you, my baby-fresh husband, shouting incoherent abuse at me for the entire world to hear."
Jacob chuckled, "That was pretty funny."
Harry huffed, "Was not. I am still embarrassed about that."
They ate at a stupidly expensive French restaurant (they were glared at by the hostess for being late), drank two bottles of wine, and ended up thinking it was a good idea to walk back to their hotel room instead of calling a cab. Stumbling along, Harry noticed that Jacob was getting emotional about their anniversary.
"Stop being such a fag Jake!" He ordered, jabbing him in the ribs with his bony fingers. Jacob just stared at him and Harry wiggled his eyebrows. He snorted and shoved Harry into the wall. Harry kicked him in the shin. Jacob tried to get him into a headlock but Harry was too quick and slipped away. Jumping on and dodging each other, Jacob spoke up.
"Hey, remember when we ended up at Bella's anniversary to make my dad happy?"
Harry rolled his eyes, "Yes, of course I remember. It was only two months ago!"
He side-stepped a grab at his hips, danced a few steps ahead of Jacob, and then narrowly missed a tumble into a pothole.
Jacob grinned and reached out to flick his ear, "Well, remember when you whispered something funny about how fat Bella's ass was getting? And I cracked up right when Edward was repeating his wedding vows and everyone glared at us? That was so funny."
"I love you too, babe," Harry replied, laughing. Grabbing him by the collar of his coat, he brought him down for a sloppy kiss. They stood there and just enjoyed each other for several minutes, too drunk to care about being in public.
Their keycard gave them some trouble when they finally made it back to their hotel room. Fumbling around, he finally made it work. When the door opened, Jacob shoved Harry inside and then trapped him against the wall. He bent his head to kiss his neck but stopped when he smelled something funny. Harry was tense, staring at something over his shoulder.
Turning around slowly, he found a full team of Canadian officers with their weapons trained on them.
"Put your hands up, Ludwig Brink!"
Harry groaned. He should've known the Muggles would catch up to him eventually. He raised his hands and followed all of the man's commands, getting on his knees and letting an officer cuff him. He didn't want to aggravate them and accidentally cause anyone to fire a weapon. If Jacob was hurt, he would never forgive himself.
Cheek pressed to the ground while a vehicle was on the way, he met his husband's eyes. Jacob was barely containing his fury, and his pupils were switching eerily between wolf and human.
Noticing Harry, he seemed to regain his control and his eyes went back to normal. Harry smiled wanly.
The Potter luck had struck again.
After being deported, Jacob kept with him as an 'accessory' to his so-called crimes; he was accused of murder and convicted yet again in court. He was sentenced for life in prison without the possibility of bail, and Jacob was given 10 years with the possibility of parole.
He lasted a week in prison before his magic exploded in his chest and sent him into a coma. While in Canada, any time he felt it start to build, he could go out into the woods or some other remote area and just let it fly out of him. But there was no such chance of this in prison, so he really should have been expecting this.
Kept in a hospital for two days, his magic took his future into its ghostly hands. It created an illusion. On the third day Harry's heart stopped and his brain waves seemed to be distorted and directionless before dying away completely. To the Muggle's medical apparatus, he was dead.
His body was taken to the morgue, examined for the cause of death, and pronounced a mystery. He was placed inside a cremation oven and left alone to burn. No one noticed his body vanish into thin air, but they did notice Jacob Black disappear around a corner of the exercise lot a week later.
Jacob Black was never seen again, and eventually the search had to be called off.
The Cullens never did find out what had killed Victoria and her followers. The Pack stopped looking eventually and just lazily patrolled their borders to make sure no one suspicious was trying to get across.
Sprawled on the beach of Hanakapiai, Hawaii, feeling the surf covering and uncovering his calves, Harry passed the sunscreen to Jacob. The sun shone brightly down on them from a glowing blue sky. White streaks of clouds just within the horizon adding interest to the view. A warm breeze ruffled their hair and the grasses as Jacob bent over to kiss Harry.
End Please Say Something
A/N: Hey, um, guys, there won't be a sequel. I just don't have the energy, time, or inspiration for anything else. I mean it. Don't beg me, because I won't take pity on you.