A/N: Hi all! Right, this is completely different from my usual stories. This is a birthday fic for my amazing and wondrous beta Irritable Grizzzly. It's my attempt at dry humour, and she likes it, so that's all that matters!

I suggest you head over to Irritable Grizzzly's profile before reading this. It will have a little more meaning that way, but I am pretty sure that you'll all get what I'm trying to do with this.

Also, I sadly feel that I must stress this:

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. THIS IS NOT MY NORMAL WRITING STYLE. I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY KIND OF STATEMENT, I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN AND/OR ATTACK ANYONE. I REPEAT, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

So please, enjoy!

Oh, and I also don't own Twilight.



Love at first site

Edward Cullen was the most gorgeous man and doctor that Forks had ever seen. His dashing bronze hair and stunning emerald pools had women fawning all over him, day and night. Yet for all intensive purposes they may as well have not been there anyways as he took no notice of them. He arrived at Starbucks on his way home to meet his sister, Alice.

"Edward! There you are!" she cried, sprinting to him and drawing him into a hug. She was dressed in an opal-colored top that set off her dark-washed skinny jeans perfectly, which was of course the height of fashion. The long batwing sleeves of her shirt added to the overall effect of her outfit perfectly, while the snug fit of the waste line showed off her slight figure. She wore simple silver ballet flats on her tiny pixie-like feet.

"Edward, I went shopping today! I bought three pairs of shoes, four pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts and slippers!"

Edward shook his head yes in acknowledgment.

"It's a Tuesday Alice, I know you only buy clothing for your lower half on a Tuesday,"

She squealed, and bounced up and down hyperactively, yet this was not odd behavior for a woman in her late twenties; at least not to Edward. The two made their way to the counter, Alice ordering first.

"I'll have a grande cappuccino with soy milk, no foam, whipped cream, a shot of peppermint, a cinnamon stick and chocolate sprinkles. Edward, what do you want?" she called out after rapid-firing her order.

Edward didn't even need to look up to no his order.

"A grande white mocha, with steamed milk, no cream, a shot of vanilla, marshmallows and extra chocolate," he recited perfectly.

Bella Swan, who was the bartista, was completely blown away by this. To Bella, this random concoction of drinks was completely normal, as everyone who frequented the coffee shop naturally put such emphasis upon the exact nature of their drinks. It was the man before her that amazed her, her mouth forming a perfect O as she stared at him. He was a deity of tanned stained tresses and orbs that reflected many shades of emerald, jade and grass, his tallness so elegant and graceful, like a leaf dancing on the wind, his aura so whimsical and opaque yet underneath there was a stillness, so deep and encompassing that it shook her very core...

Edward was instantly taken with the waitress, possibly due to the fact that she had somehow managed to make her mouth completely circular, and of course being able to see her tonsils made her all the more attractive.

He was instantly drawn to her deep chocolate pools and the way her mahogany hair escaped from her messy bun and cascaded in front of her face. She was yummy.

By this time, Bella had recovered from her momentary stupor and had fixed the drinks. She cooed in Edward's direction as she was at a loss for words, and he could only whimper in reply. She breathed a sigh of relief when they disappeared from her orbs' line of sight, yet without warning the pixie-like girl bounded up to the counter once more.

"Hi, I'm Alice,"

"Uhhh... I'm Bella," she replied, blushing as yet another mahogany curl cascaded out of her bun.

"Right, and we are going to be the best of friends, and you're going to marry my brother, Edward, irregardless of the fact that you just saw him. Oh, and there's no need to get jealous of the fact I'm with him because I'm just his sister!" she said, as though this would obviously counter some unnecessary confusion that would be a problem for a long time.

Bella was not in the least bit scared by this, as it made perfect sense. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, now that Alice had made her feel perfectly at ease. Alice resumed her bouncing, which went completely unnoticed by anyone else in Starbucks as every girl likes to bounce at a waitress who she had only just met and was now playing matchmaker with.

"I know just what to do! I'll dress you up in my never-ending supply of clothes that I always have with me and then you can seduce Edward and sweep him off his feet! I know you saw something you liked there, so I'll dress you up, and you can close the gap between the two of you, have your own private moment that no one will intrude on, and then capture his lips in a kiss until your tongues battle for dominance!"

Once again, Bella's mouth had formed a perfect O of amazement at Alice's perceptive nature. She knew exactly what Bella secretly wanted to do with Edward, except, being the shy girl that she was, she would prefer it if his lips came crashing down on hers first.

"But Alice, what if Edward doesn't want me? What if I'm not good enough for him? I'm only a clumsy waitress with nothing to offer him. I'm insecure and don't think I'm beautiful and I can never do anything without the assistance or instruction of a man,"

Alice slapped her until she saw fairy dust.

"If you ever want to be worthy of a man, then that attitude won't get you anywhere! Now, lets put on makeup and pretty clothes, and dance our problems away!"

And dance she did, all the way to the bathroom, taking a mysterious bag of clothes, and pulling along the disoriented Bella.

Edward sat in the corner, smirking as he always did, doing a little happy dance in his mind because of the hawt girl at the counter. He could spend his days starring at her, while he internally thought "awe she is so cute!" He didn't mind Alice's behavior, as Alice always acted this way. It was normal.

In the bathroom, Bella was all dressed and ready. She wore a cute blue strappy dress, which looked far better than her yoga pants. She wore a pair of azure tights as it was quite chilly that day, and a beautiful pair of sapphire ballet flats (that matched Alice's silver ones) encased her feet. To finish off the outfit, was a perfectly co-ordinated cobalt cardigan, just in case it got cold later. She had matching blue topaz stud earrings and a cerulean choker that made her outfit.

"Bella, you look stunning, I am so glad I came up with this idea! I knew I shopped every day for a reason," she chattered.

Bella personally thought she looked rather like a smurf, but if Alice, the girl who shopped in order to make something of her existence, thought she looked good, then she must be right!

"Thank you so much Alice, now I'll make Edward fall in love with me instantly!"

"Well, duh, you think I do this for fun? Get out of there, Bella, get your man!!"

Bella caught sight of herself in the mirror and suddenly grew confident. She flicked her mahogany curls, watching as they cascaded perfectly, and smirked at the new blue woman in the mirror. She was damn hot now, and she was going to get her man.

Bella strutted out of the bathroom and marched over to Edward, startling him as she sat on his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and winked at him.

"Did you miss me, hot stuff?" she said.

"Was I meant to?" Edward replied, completely shocked by this change in character. However, he wasn't going to question it. He had a shopaholic, fairy, feminist sister after all.

"Yup!" she said popping the "p" like a six year old with a speech impediment.

That was the moment

The one gesture

The one articulation that caused Edward Cullen to fall in love with Bella Swan.

He smirked at her, and picked her up bridal style and she giggled childishly.

"Bella, my sun, my moon, my world, I am forever yours my darling. You have charmed me by you're wit, you're mind and you're clothes. Let us leave and elope in the morning!"

"Oh Edward, my bad boy Edward, I'm so irrevocably in love with you that I could drown in your Emerald pools forever more! Let's have babies and name them Edella and Isaward!"

"Of course my darling, that is our fated future. Now, I shall carry you, my blue angel with cascading hair, into the sunset, bridal style!"

"Oh my Edward, I love you!"

"I love you to Bella, forever!"

As they left Starbucks, and started on the journey of their life, they stared into each other's loving orbs, leaving Alice to pay for their drinks.


A/N: Reviews are loved