Hai Lovely Readers! Long time no hear from me, huh? I'M SORRY! I really am. I hit a really nasty writers block with this story and I just kept getting SO frustrated. I knew what I wanted to happen but I just couldn't seem to get it actually written out or the details flushed out. I know I'm awful for leaving all of you hanging like that and I hope I haven't lost any of my wonderful, amazing, BEEEE-YYYEEWWWW-TEEEEE-FUL readers... If it's any consolation, I've already got quite a bit of the next chapter written, and this one's extra long. I feel like I've gotten my mojo back though, so I'm going to TRY and update every week.

I'm going to warn you all now, there's a LOT of back and side story in this chapter. I had planned on drawing some of these details out into futher chapters, but I realized that in doing that, I was giving myself writers block. I figured that once I got a lot of this out, I'd be able to move forward at a better pace. It seems to have been the trick. Once I made that decision, everything just sort of flew out of me and I had this entire chapter, minus the first couple of paragraphs that I already had written, done in 2 days.

And I promise after I say this, I'll quit this long ass A/N. I owe a big fat THANK YOU to mah h00rs. Mandy Pants; Twinky; Burfy; M3; APM; Alice; Allie; Jen; Black Hale; Leanne; Leelan; and anyone else who has been pimping out my story even though I haven't updated in so long. I love you all HARD and send out a years worth of bewbie squeezes and booty rubs. Minna Koda, YES, I stole your name for a character. Believe it or not, this particular character did not have a name until this chapter and that's part of what took it so long. I decided on the name while helping my AMAZING beta - Krisstar - help find a name for her BABY GIRL who's due in October, and after I started writing about the character, I realized it was your name too. Enjoy it. I've turned you into a 13 year old girl with very large bewbies in her future.

Links to the outfits and the um... big present... will be on my profile uno momento...

Check out the short a/n at the end for a little Q and A and some rec's, 'kay?

Holding onto patience wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
If only time flew like a dove
We could watch it fly and just keep looking up

"Hallelujah" - Paramore


Thanksgiving Day could've gone one of two ways. It could've been incredible, or it could've been horrid. Either way, there was going to be some form of weirdness once we told everyone the news, I was just hoping that the other parts of the day would be good.

It started out on the incredible side. I woke up with EJ's hand over the tiny bump I was now sporting, although no one could see it but me (or so I thought) and just knew it was going to be a great day. I had packed the outfit for the day with purpose, knowing that it was EJ's favorite and also knowing that it had been way too long since I'd worn it. I only hoped that the damn thing would still fit with the bump.

After I got in the shower, Edward got in and I got dressed. I threw on the jeans, hoping they wouldn't be too tight and was thankful when they were perfect. I put on the white t shirt and then the red strapless corset top over it. Bending over to the mirror I carefully took out the plain black plugs that were in my ears and put in the organic, wooden pair with the cherries lacquered on. My shoes were platform heels with three mary-jane style straps and I just knew Esme was going to give me hell for wearing heels. Whatever, I was barely into my fucking pregnancy. I stared at the mirror while putting on my necklace and was happy when I saw that the green tone of my skin had dissipated. I was now sporting the soft pale that I was accustomed too. I decided to let my hair air dry with a little product in it to keep it from frizzing out, put on a little make up, and sat on the bed to wait for Edward.

My mind had wandered somewhere around baby cribs when he finally walked out of the bathroom and my God, that man just gets fucking hotter and hotter every day. Maybe it was the hormones, but I wanted to jump his bones right that second. I gaped at his stomach and waist for a few minutes before I looked up to his face and noticed he was gaping at me as well.

"Damn it Snow, you can't wear that!" I was stunned.

"What? Why the fuck not?"

"Because you just… can't!" The need to jump his bones was turning quickly into the need to beat his ass.

"Listen here fucker, you can't tell me what I can and can't wear!" I stomped my foot like the petulant child I felt like and scowled.

EJ groaned and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms before mumbling something I couldn't understand.

"What?" I asked.

"I said: You can't wear that because you look like a naughty Snow White."

I laughed. "I wore it for you douche bag. I knew you thought that, I wanted to wear something special for you. I'm getting fat already and I won't be able to wear stuff like this for much longer and…"

The smile that crept across his face made me stop my sentence. "Snow White, you're always going to be smokin' hot, you don't need to wear stuff like this for me to think so."

"I still want to wear it." I mumbled. Ultimately the fucker couldn't tell me what to wear, so I didn't change.

Edward dressed in a pair of black slacks, a white button up, and a black skinny tie. Naturally, he rolled his sleeves up. Emmett tended to do the same thing and they both claimed it was because they could never find shirts with long enough sleeves because they were so tall.

Not too much later I grabbed my leather jacket and we headed downstairs to meet everyone else. I wondered if Alice knew about Rosalie and Emmett getting engaged, which lead me to wondering if I'd ever be able to accept EJ's proposal attempts.

When we got to the lobby, Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. Alice had on a strapless pencil dress with designs on it that reminded me of a deck of cards, a pair of amazing red bootie heels that I swore I'd make her let me borrow, and a deep blue coat draped over her arms. Jasper… looked like a pimp. He had a red pin striped button up shirt, grey pants, and these red boot things straight out of the sixties.

I chanced a glance at Edward's face, knowing Jasper's choice of clothes usually made him cringe. This time, he just looked confused.

"Where are Rose and Emmett?" I asked. I thought for sure they'd be down before we were.

"They left a while ago, they wanted to go ahead and tell Esme and Carlisle the news about the engagement so they didn't spoil your big announcement." Alice answered me as she played with her necklace. Wait… my necklace.

"Nice necklace Alice. Where'd you get it?" I raised my eye brow and put my hands on my hips.

Alice rolled her eyes. "God, fine, can I borrow your watch necklace thingy?" I smiled and nodded as I put on my coat.

All too soon, we were at Edward's parents' house again. Everything was much scarier this time, knowing what we were about to announce. Carlisle's parents had died when Edward and Emmett were just kids, but Esme's parents were alive and well… and super Baptists. As in, her dad was a pastor and had been preaching at the same church for a little over forty years and her mom was the choir director. They were all kinds of devastated when Esme went to school in Chicago for design and started a family there, and more than elated when she brought her family back after selling her firm, preferring the small town life. Of course, by that point Emmett and Edward were about to finish high school and head to art school.

It was bad enough that every time we saw them we got the third degree about living in sin and that being marked up was a sure shot to hell. I never thought I'd have to add having a child out of wedlock to the mix.

When Emmett had gotten Kate pregnant, it was apparently okay because he had married Kate right away, even though he was eighteen and she was seventeen. It was no big wedding, they just ran to the courthouse, but that seemed to get Mr. and Mrs. Evans off his back. Imagine how floored they were when Kate took off with little Ainsley only three weeks after she was born… and then again when Emmett got divorce papers only two weeks later. It was a bad time for Emmett. He didn't love Kate; he only married her because of the pressure from his grandparents. I hated pressure. Emmet had given up on art school, but eventually was able to go to a small cullinary trade school and opened up his diner. He said he was completely happy with his decisions, saying that Ainsley helped him find his true calling in cooking.

The color must've drained out of my face or something because Edward seemed to know that I was panicking.

"It'll be alright Snow White. They'll give us shit, but we'll be okay. I promise." He pried the hand away that was clutched to the side of the seat and kissed my knuckles.

He let go of my hand just long enough to get out of the car and come around to open my door. The second he had it opened, I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his torso, trying to hide in his jacket. I decided I would hide in there all afternoon and evening and then maybe no one would try to talk to me. Perfect plan.

Edward and I awkwardly walked up the path to the porch with Alice and Jasper following us. Just as he was about to knock, Emmett opened the door with a big stupid smile on his face wearing a nice button down shirt and a vest and tie. Clearly, Rosalie dressed him, but he hadn't forgone his boots. These Cullen boys and their boots.

"Gran and Pop loved my news. How do you think they're gonna deal with yours, fucker?" Emmett said as he punched his brother's arm.

"You are such a Goddamn dick sometimes." Edward grumbled.

Emmett made a face at him and started walking inside with us behind him before saying "Well, you've got a little while 'fore you have to tell them anyways. They just left a couple minutes before you drove up." Edward looked confused, and I'm sure I did too. "Gran and Mom made a shit ton of cookies last night for this like, halfway house or something for kids. It's at Lake Crescent but I guess Gran doesn't drive at night anymore so she's making Pop take her there today."

Naturally, Alice found some new thing Esme had brought into the house that she just had to comment on. Alice didn't really know much about interior design and while she did know how to dress herself well and had a knack for fashion, she wasn't obsessive about it. However, she did know good taste when she saw it. She'd been here on a couple of occasions, and every time she had some new furnishing to compliment Esme on. We were walking into the kitchen and before I could even greet my boyfriend's mother, Alice was running up to her, yammering on about a new vase she had seen in the hall.

"I knew it! I knew it just had to be Italian! It's just gorgeous Esme. You have such fantastic taste." I rolled my eyes.

"Bella, honey, why don't you come over here, I got some juice and an herbal tea that's supposed to be great for pregnant women."

I pried myself away from Edward, but not before rolling my eyes. Esme would go out and buy pre-natal tea. I didn't even know they made that stuff. She already had a mug of it ready for me when I sat down on the barstool that was pulled up to the island.

"How are you feeling today, sweet heart?" She asked as she patted my hair.

She was motherly and warm, just like always. When I'd met her, it put me off a bit. I was raised around a woman who acted more like a best friend who took care of you at times than a mother.

"I'm good today. I finally slept all through the night last night and didn't get sick this morning. So… you know… so far so good." I shrugged and sipped the tea. It really was tasty.

"Good." She smiled and winked before opening the oven to baste the biggest fucking turkey I had seen in my entire life. I wasn't sure how she fit the bastard in the oven, to be honest.

It wasn't long before Emmett and Rosalie left to go pick up his daughter. I sort of wanted to go with them, seeing as how Kate didn't even know Emmett was seeing someone, much less planning on getting re-married. I had to admit though; Emmett did the whole dating thing perfectly. Of course he was the proud father and talked about her on their first date, showed the picture in his wallet and all that stuff; but he didn't introduce Rose to Ainsley until they had been together for around seven or eight months. Rosalie actually got pissy when she would ask to meet Ainsley only to be told by Emmett that he wasn't ready for that. I can't say I blame him for wanting to wait until he was positive that Rosalie was going to be a permanent staple in his life.

For the next twenty minutes, family and friends filtered into the Cullen Mansion in small groupings. The people I most feared still hadn't made their arrival, and I was thankful. Edward was talking to his cousin across the kitchen, near the door that lead to the garage and found myself watching him while I sipped my tea.

Watching his mannerisms while he talked got me thinking about our baby. I decided that I wanted a boy and that he just had to have his daddy's smile and laugh. Just as I thought it, EJ must've felt that I'd been watching him. He turned to me and gave me a little half smile. It wasn't cocky, it wasn't sexual… it felt like he was telling me he loved me. I smiled back and decided that I wanted our son's eyes to crinkle at the corners when he smiled, another trait of his father's.

Another fifteen minutes passed. Alice was helping with the food, Jasper had joined Edward and his cousin in conversation, and I was still sitting on my stool. I had finished my tea and moved on to juice when my dad walked in.

Car shopping the day before had not gone well. I thought I could try to forgive the punch, or at least act like it hadn't happened for a few hours, but in reality; seeing him so close to EJ and EJ's face being so bruised had just pissed me off more. I wouldn't even look at the car Edward wanted to show me because my irritation level was just through the roof. I had tried, I really had, and I had completely believed what I had told Edward about wanting to have animosity, but thinking and doing are clearly two very different things.

Charlie cleared his throat and shifted the small wrapped box he held in his hand. "Bella, I uh… there's something outside… and um… could you come out there with me, please?"

EJ came to my side and rubbed my shoulder. I didn't have to tell my dad I wasn't going outside with him without Edward. I wasn't afraid of my dad or anything… I was actually afraid that I would hit him.

I stepped off my stool and grabbed EJ's hand, Charlie nodded his head and set the small box down before leading the way. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck before he started to talk at all, and kept looking at his feet.

"So um… I'm really sorry about what happened." He sighed deeply and finally looked up at me. "Really, really sorry. I was outta line. I hope that both of you can um…"

"Forgive you?" I asked when he seemed stuck on the words.

He nodded his head and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I was just so… Aw shit, I dunno. Baby Bell, I dunno what was wrong with me. I just know it was wrong, and I'm sorry to both of you."

His words, while a bit broken up, were sincere. I could see it in his face. I could also see that he'd wished he wouldn't have hit him at all. So I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his beer gut and nuzzled my nose into his shoulder.

"Thanks Dad." I whispered.

He patted my back and said I was welcome. I let go of him, and started walking towards the door before he stopped me.

"Um, that wasn't all. I sort of… got the baby a present. And sort of you too, I guess. Here follow me."

I looked to EJ and his face seemed just as confused as mine. What sort of present would my dad get the baby, and sort of me, that required walking around to the side of the house?


"Surprise!" Sue yelled as she jumped up from leaning against a brand new, shit green Jeep Patriot complete with a big ass red bow on the fucking hood.

I just sat there, staring with my mouth hanging open. EJ went and shook Charlie's hand and thanked him a bunch of times and hugged Sue, thanking her as well. Then he stuck his head inside the open driver's side window and started looking around.

"Snow, I think this is the one from the dealership show room. The one I wanted you to look at." He yelled, his head still inside the vehicle.

I turned to my dad and his face was red with blush. He tried looking everywhere but at me. The trees to the right of us, the shingles on the roof of the Cullen Mansion, the invisible dirt under his finger nails. Everywhere but me.

"You… bought me a car?" I asked.

I was slightly angry, but more so completely shocked. My dad didn't do things like this. He was the king of gift certificates, especially when it came to my sister and me. I don't even think he knew our sizes after we turned twelve and could shop for ourselves.

"No. I bought my grandbaby a car." He grinned at me like he'd just found a loophole in some contest and won a huge prize that he wasn't supposed to be eligible for.

I rolled my eyes and snorted. "Call a spade a spade; you bought me a car, didn't you?"

"Nope. It's hers… or his… whatever. You're just the chauffer." His grin grew into a full smile at his little joke and the blush left his face.

I shook my head and couldn't help but smile. This was no trust fund vehicle. This was something someone earned. And maybe it wasn't me that earned it, but I could handle this much more than I could handle a trust fund car. But I also knew my dad didn't make much money, even as the chief of police.

"So Dad, can we work up some sort of arrangement? You know, like… I'll pay half of each payment or something until I can afford to pay you back all together?" I said as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and drug him to the car with me.

"No, this is a gift. I told you, it's for the baby. It's um… it's your baby party present."

"Baby shower, honey." Sue corrected him when we got to the car.

"Whatever, it's for that. Just a bit early."

"But Dad… This is expensive."

"I'll say. This thing is fully loaded Snow, just like you wanted." EJ said as he grabbed my hand.

"No way Dad, a fully loaded car? How on earth can you afford this?" I narrowed my eyes. "Wait, you're not selling the weed you confiscate from the kids on the reservations are you?"

The three of them laughed before my dad answered me. "No Bell, I just… I came into some money a couple weeks ago, and this seemed like a good way to spend it."

After a long discussion that still seems unreal, I found myself in my new… er… my baby's new car.

"Dad, this is amazing!" I squealed from the driver's seat.

The size of the small SUV didn't bother me like it had in the show room and I fell in love with it, even though I would surely miss Wanda.

"There's something else too." He said.

Edward leaned over the console "What else is your dad going to do to put me in the shit hole?" He whispered with a grin before kissing my cheek.

We got out of the car and followed my dad to the back of his old Suburban. He opened the trunk and inside - lying flat - were five large pieces of wood.

"Gee, thanks Dad… I always wanted a bunch of timber."

I swear I thought I heard my dad snort, but I had to be wrong… "It's not just wood Baby Bell. This was your crib."

My eyes went wide and I felt them fill with stupid pregnant tears. "You… still have my crib?" I whimpered between the tears.

"Of course. Alice's too, but I doubt she'll ever need it. Once you both got into… all that stuff ya'll are into, I didn't think you'd ever need them. I held on to 'em though. Kept hoping, and now you need yours. You'll have to paint over the head board 'cause it's got you're name painted on it, and it might need some new hardware, but… you're Grandpa Swan built it for you, so I thought you'd want to use it."

I just stood there crying in my boyfriend's parents' front yard. After a few seconds, I sat on the tailgate of the Suburban that I hated driving as a teenager and touched the old wood of my crib.

"Thank you, Chief Swan. I know it means a lot to Bella, and it means a lot to me too, that our baby gets to sleep in this crib." Edward held his hand out for Charlie to shake.

I started rubbing the simple wooden spindles that made up the sides of the crib.

"Sure, sure. Um…" Charlie made a gruff sound in his throat, "you should uh… probably start calling me Charlie now. What with my grandbaby coming along and all." And just like that, I was able to forgive and forget all about the punching incident.

Once Edward and my dad transferred all the crib parts from the Suburban to my new Jeep's trunk, we all went back inside. Sue handed the present he had sat down on the kitchen island to Esme.

"This is for you Esme, for your wonderful hospitality." She said warmly. "I'm sorry Leah couldn't make it, but this year she wanted to spend it with her father." She sounded a tiny bit sad that her seventeen year old daughter wouldn't be here with us today.

"Oh, thank you so much! You didn't have to do anything at all though!" Ah, Esme. Always the perfect hostess. I craved the day to hear her make a rude comment. "And you just make sure to take home some of the desserts for Leah, okay?"

Only moments later, Emmett, Rosalie and Ainsley walked in. "Uncle EJ!"

Ainsley ran to Edward and started telling him all about how her guitar lessons were going and even let it slip that she thought her teacher was 'totally cute' but that he couldn't tell her dad. She included the most perfect eye roll I'd ever seen. I definitely don't want a daughter.

I hadn't had a chance to really take in Rosalie before they had left, and naturally, she looked incredible. She had this whole pin-up girl look going and I could just imagine Gran's inner monologue when she took in the high-waisted faux leather, skin tight skirt; the strapless red and white polka-dot sweet-heart top; and the satin and lace four inch heels. Can't count out that spider ring, either. Her platinum hair was up in victory rolls at the top of her head and the back fell down in soft curls. It was a style that I had shown her how to do when we first met, before I decided I didn't like the way she looked at EJ. I'm such a jealous bitch sometimes.

Ainsley and Edward continued to talk about her lessons and what was going on with school. Seeing Edward interact with her was fucking cute, and I had to admit it. Then, as they were talking, she removed her black coat and I became horrified. Her outfit was, as usual, adorable; a little black, white and red plaid dress with buttons down the front over a pair of red leggings paired with some black patent leather ballet flats. What was so alarming though was what was under that little dress.

"Rosalie," I whispered as I yanked on her elbow, "is it normal for thirteen year old girls to have boobs already?"

I didn't have much to compare too, Alice and I had both always been petite and petite women did not have large racks. Rosalie was friggin stacked so she had to know.

"Oh I know, Emmett almost made her change, that's what took so long. There's nothing wrong with the dress of course. But yeah, I was about that size at her age. I'd say a small B cup?" I pouted; my boobs were barely bigger than a thirteen year olds. "But he shouldn't really be surprised, I mean, look at Kate. That stuff is genetic."

"Really? I thought hers were fake?" I hadn't known Emmett or Kate in high school and her tits were just so damn big that I thought for sure they were bought.

"Nope. Those babies are all natural. She had a lift a year or two after Ainsley was born, but she didn't have shit done to the size. Pretty fucking vain if you ask me, getting a titty lift like that. She didn't even breast feed, so it's not like the damage was all that horrible." I didn't want to listen anymore, knowing that my tits were, apparently, going to go to shit after the kid was born whether I decided to nurse or not.

Not to mention, I was sort of bothered by how much Rosalie knew about her fiancé's ex's tits. That was just wrong.

Once I reined in my surprise at Ainsley's new… additions… everything was going smoothly. Everyone was happy, and when I told Esme, Alice and Rosalie about the crib, they all ooh'd and aah'd over it and Esme even teared up.

"Do you know how perfect this is?" She said while lightly patting the tears from her eyes. I shook my head in the negative. "I still have Edward's bassinette. Well, I guess technically it's both his and Emmett's, but of course you can use it. Ainsley slept in it when ever she was here."

I almost started crying again… almost. This sort of thing was almost expected of Esme, so it wasn't quite as shocking as my father keeping my crib. But the gesture was still sweet and I knew we would use the bassinette.

The house was noisy with chatter and filled with cousins, aunts, and uncles. It took me a while, but I eventually spotted Carlisle looking handsome as ever in his green sweater and fancy brown shoes. I was just about to thank him for the pre-natal care he'd set up against my fucking will, and apologize for being so damn rude about it; when I heard the front door open.

I looked over to where Ainsley and Edward had been talking earlier, but he wasn't there. I scanned the room, desperate to find him. I knew who was walking in and I knew I couldn't face them without him by my side. I couldn't find him anywhere and started to panic a bit, until I felt him behind me.

He wrapped his arms around me and sat his chin on my shoulder before whispering "Don't worry. Nothing they say matters. It's just you, me and our Seamonkey, remember?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. The most they could do was say some really fucked up shit about how we just had to get married, or how Edward hadn't learned his lesson watching Emmett, or that God wasn't going to save us. And then a bunch of other religious garbage that I was sure couldn't be true.

"Well hello everyone." Gran said in her pristine voice.

Edward and I turned to see Pop removing Gran's coat revealing an off white dress. Esme walked up to hug her mother. "How was Lake Crescent?" she asked.

"Wonderful, of course. The children were delighted to have dessert." Gran pushed Esme back a bit by her shoulders to inspect her dress with a grim expression.

I thought she looked gorgeous in her soft teal wrap dress with the bronze belt and matching accessories. Esme just shook her off.

"I'm sure they were Mother." Esme turned to the rest of us and smiled hugely. "Ok, everyone, how about we make our plates and head into the dining room?"

Pop came over to Edward and me and hugged us each. He looked handsome as ever, and even in his old age you could see that once upon a time, he was just as gorgeous as his grandsons. His gray sweater and black slacks were simple, but so was he. It was his personality that made me nervous. You could never tell with Pop, he was either extremely accepting and offered great advice, or he was stern and pinch-faced.

We chatted for a bit while we waited for our turn in the food line that was going around the kitchen. When we got our food, we went into the large dining room that had been set up with two tables. Edward and I sat down near Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. I assumed the empty seat next to him was for Alice. I was hoping that my dad would come fill the empty seat next to me, but when Gran sat down I cringed.

"Bella, dear, I didn't see you earlier. How are you?" She said as she leaned into hug me.

Before I could get a word out, the smell of her overly floral and sweet perfume overcame my senses and that combined with my nerves made my stomach churn and my face turn green.

"Oh God." I groaned, before taking off to the bathroom.

I ran right past the one closest, not wanting anyone to hear me, but the only other place to throw up was the laundry room that was only a few feet past that. I figured it would be better than the bathroom and started hurling into the utility sink. It wasn't long before I felt EJ's hands on me, one holding my hair and one holding a cool, wet rag to my forehead.

And then we heard it.

"Well now that's just rude, she couldn't say excuse me first? She had to take the Lord's name at the table before just running away? And you know, if a person is sick then they don't need to contaminate everyone else at family functions. She should've just stayed home." Gran's voice was stern and cold.

"I think I'll just stay here for the night." I whispered to EJ.

He chuckled lightly. "Remember baby, it's just words. It'll be over soon, I promise. Will you be okay for a few minutes while I run get you a tooth brush?"

"Yeah, but I'm gonna lock the door… I'd rather not have any visitors right now."

I tried to sort of lay down, letting my face feel the cool tiles of the floor, not even caring that I didn't know when the last time Esme mopped in here because of the relief. Mere moments later, EJ showed up, brand new tooth brush and tooth paste in hand.

"You know my mom, she always keeps extras." He rolled his eyes as I climbed to my feet.

I brushed my teeth and made my self as presentable as a person with green fucking skin could be before we emerged from the restroom. I had never loved my sister more than when I went back in the dining room. She and Jasper had traded seats with EJ and I, obviously understanding that something about Gran had upset me enough to make me puke. Edward pulled my new seat out for me as I sat down.

"Um, I'm really sorry about that." I muttered, unable to look Gran in the eye.

"You should be. Now, why doesn't someone wrap her plate up and help her into the guest room so no one else gets sick?" Gran was still in full on bitch mode.

I let out an aggravated huff before gritting my teeth and speaking. "I'm not sick."

I desperately wanted to wait until after everyone ate to spew the news, but it didn't look like that was going to happen. I had hoped to announce it with dessert, maybe make it a toast over coffee and pumpkin pie. EJ and I hadn't spoken about how we wanted to do it, but I figured he'd just take my cues and go with it. I really, really wanted it to go better this time than it had at dinner with Dad and Sue, and since just letting it run out of your mouth like projectile vomit didn't work then; I doubted it would work now.

Gran continued to glare at me while everyone else started to talk and eat. I gripped Edward's hand under the table and just pushed the food around on my plate. It was my favorite fucking meal of the year and thanks to Gran, I'd lost my appetite. Okay, and thanks to the not-so-morning-sickness too.

After another fifteen minutes of me trying not to notice that Gran was pretending to shoot fucking ice picks into my body with her eyes, I couldn't take it any more. I looked over to Edward who was laughing about something with our friends, and silently pleaded with him to help me.

Eventually he looked over to me, probably sensing that someone was looking at him, and took in my expression. I'm sure the green tone of my skin helped, too. He gave me a small, but worried smile before lifting ours hands from his thigh and kissing my knuckles.

"I've got this Snow White." He whispered with a wink.

I sighed and felt a tad bit better... until he stood up still holding my hand.

"Um… I'd tap my glass with a knife, but I'm sure I'd break the shit and then have to clean up the stupid mess, so I'm just gonna ask everyone to shut up for a second."

Emmett laughed loudly and Esme gave them both that 'is-that-really-appropriate' look from across the table. Rosalie leaned to Ainsley and I assumed asked her to put her fork down before wrapping her long, thin arm around Ainsley's shoulders. Carlisle wiped his mouth as he finished chewing and set his napkin in his lap. My dad took a really big gulp of his beer and Sue tenderly patted his shoulder. Jasper was mixing a bunch of sides to make one big weird ass meal, so Alice dug her elbow into his ribs until he coughed and looked up.

Gran set her fork down perfectly and clasped her hands together before setting them on the edge of the table. Pop looked like a curious little boy, and the other fifteen or so people just looked bored and sort of pissed to have to stop eating and talking.

Edward clenched his fist around his thumb and popped the knuckle in it, I could feel him trying to do it in the hand that I refused to let go of. Finally after a few attempts at popping that thumb and people looking at him expectantly, he spoke.

"So, I know most of you got the news that Emmett and Rosalie got engaged, and um, I think that's really awesome. I'm really, like, stoked to have Rosalie as a new sister. So um, congrats to them." I think everyone thought that was it, because I saw a few hands reach for glasses. "But uh… Sn… I mean, Bella here and I have some news of our own."

He cleared his throat and I could see Esme grab Carlisle's hand over the table, they both smiled broadly.

"So… okay, sorry this is… weird." He let out a nervous laugh and I squeezed his hand and scowled at him. People were getting impatient. "Alright, so here the fuck it goes."

"No swears Uncle EJ! You owe me like, ten bucks just since I've been here!" Ainsley yelled out.

Everyone laughed, including Edward and I felt his body relax. "Sure kid, hit me up at the end of the night. Back to the news, my Bella here is giving me the most kick a… uh… incredible birthday present in the world for my thirtieth birthday… cause that's when um, she's due with, you know, our baby."

Aaannnddd crickets. No one made a sound for a good couple of minutes. Including myself. The way he worded it, while it was a bit convoluted, was perfect. He said that I was giving him the most incredible birthday present. He was happy. I could see it. I love him so damn much.

He sat down and I kissed his cheek and whispered that Seamonkey and I loved him. Hell if I know if the kid actually did, I don't think it even has ears yet, but it was nice to fucking say so get the hell off my back.

Finally everyone picked their jaws up. We got quite a few cheerful 'congratulations' from everyone and a few family members even came over to us to offer hugs and smiles. I started to settle down and get comfortable, and maybe even get some of an appetite again. The storm had passed; we were in the fucking clear. Or so I thought.

"And when did the wedding happen, Edward? Isabella, may I see your ring? You know, it's very rude to not tell your own family when you're getting married." I just stared in complete disbelief as Gran continued to rant while she cut her turkey into tiny bits.

"You could have sent out elopement announcements at the very least. And not even telling anyone that you had become engaged? Well now that's just atrocious behavior, I tell you. Simply atrocious."

She stuck a piece of turkey in her Goddamn mouth and looked at us expectantly. At first, the entire table just sat in stunned silence. You could feel the air get thicker with the tension that was building… it was almost suffocating. After staring at her too-fucking-beautiful-for-her-brain face, I looked to my sister. She was livid.

Her face and chest were bright red and I could see the tendons in her arms popping and pulling in unnatural directions. She was doing something with her hands under the table to keep from punching the God awful woman to her left. Jasper was leaning down, whispering things in her ear, I assume to calm her down. She started to straighten her back and he wrapped an arm around her. To anyone else, it might seem like a calming gesture. To those of us that really knew her, it was to keep her violent ass down.

I looked over to my father, and saw anger there as well. And to my surprise, Sue didn't look warm and kind, like she always did. Her perma-smile was replaced with a grimace so bad that it almost made her ugly and I was actually glad that Leah couldn't make it. I doubted even she had seen this side of her mother.

I chanced another look around the room. Some of the more distant relatives looked confused, like they thought that Edward and I would actually get married and not tell anyone. Emmett had his huge arms crossed over his chest and his head lowered in a menacing way and Rosalie looked just down right pissed. Her hands were on her hips and I could see her tits slightly jiggle with what I assumed was the bouncing of her knee.

Ainsley looked like she smelled a bad fart. Even at thirteen she already knew that what her great grandmother had just spewed was garbage.

And then there was Edward. My beautiful EJ, who even in a fit of rage, as I had seen in a couple of bar fights when we were first dating, was still hot; looked bad. At least as bad as that level of hot can get. His jaw was tight and his back was board straight and tense. His brows were scrunched together in a weird combination of confusion and anger. His pouty lips were mashed harshly together, making it look like they had disappeared. His left hand was almost crushing mine and his right was gripping his fork so hard that I was willing to bet the inside looked like a plaster cast of his grip.

I heard a sound come from the other end of the table and looked in that direction. Esme looked like she was… crying? But that couldn't be right, clearly anger was the correct emotion right now. And then I looked harder. Oh, she was angry all right, but I guess she just cried when she got angry. Carlisle was shaking his head and rubbing her back, trying to be as soothing as he could through his disappointment at his mother-in-law.

And then it was time for me to talk. Because I couldn't handle the anger emanating from the people I cared about, and I sure as shit wasn't going to be spoken to like that. I stood up and put my hands on the table, resting my weight on my palms. I leaned forward a little and judging by the look on my dad and Alice's faces, I was sure my expression read noting but pure, seething rage.

I worked to keep my voice calm. "Listen to me you fucking loon; we are not married, we are not engaged, and we. Are. Happy. I'm going to spend my entire life with this man, but we're going to do it our way. And I'll be damned if I'm going to spoken to like that by some crazy fucking choir director who's head is so far stuck in the bible that she can't for one second imagine that doing things differently isn't wrong. Even if it's for her grandchildren. I'm not going to hell, and neither is Edward, so you can save that speech for someone who gives a shit about what you think. Would it be so fucking difficult for you to just be happy for your grandson? He's having a fucking baby for cryin' out loud! And for the record, you drew your eye brows on too high this morning, your colorist is fucking stupid and needs to be sent back to hair school and that dress makes you look fat."

I turned on my heel to walk out of the room, but not without hearing the loud creek of a chair and the thump of what I was willing to bet was a person landing on the ground. And as I pushed open the swinging door that lead into the kitchen, I heard laughter.


Q and A:

Have you ever wanted to just go ape shit on a relative like that? I can't even count how many times I've come close.

I'm going to try my hardest to get this story on a roll again and get these chapters out weekly. What day of the week would YOU like to see it updated? I dunno what days ya'll get most of your updates, so just let me know in a review!

An outtake about how Charlie got the money will be up in a few days!

Facebook: Dani Knifewieldinghooker Writes (don't ask, it's a long story)
Twitter: DaniVandal

Rec Time:

Art School Confidential by farkle - The setting is amazing and reminded me of high school and art school, but if you don't have any knowledge of art, make sure to have google ready on another tab. But don't worry, she makes up for it with an amazing story and an Edward that you want to screw as much as you want to slap. Her Bella is brilliant but self conscious in a non-annoying way. And Alice is Jewish and throws around Yiddish slang like nobody's business.

Under The Apple Tree by danieller123 - Bella is a stripper/hooker and gets herself in a tough situation. Edward's had a small peek into her world in the past and reaches out to her. Bella is snarky and a bit uneducated, and even though she's tough and street smart, danieller makes it believeable. But don't get confused, this isn't Edward and Bella as Edward Lewis and Vivan Ward; it's far grittier than that.

And lastly, but most certainly not least: The Misapprehension of Bella Swan by HunterHunting - First of all, HH is a brilliant writer and if you haven't read CW&IA then you've been hiding under a rock. But if you have, MoBS isn't anywhere close to that story. Edward is a hockey playing man whore; and Bella is a snarky, awkward college studen with absolutely NO verbal filter. Need I say more? Oh, yeah I do... expect the hottest effing lemon you've ever read... against lockers...