She clings to me at night. I can't understand why she would after the way I treat her.
In the day I harass her and egg her into fighting me even when I know she'll whoop my ass every time. I keep hoping one day I'll win just so I'll actually have a fucking reason to act so goddamn smug. So I can actually be better than her even though that's fucking doubtful even if I wipe the floor with her. She's as pure as any monster could be even after I taint her in the bedroom at night.
It's the only place she'll let me get the dominance I demand so much. And I don't give a shit that she's just humoring me because I'm getting what I want. I bend her over and make her scream and bite her until she bleeds and I can taste it on my tongue. I call her the filthiest things I can think of and treat her like she's cheap.
I hate how beautiful she is and how bad my chest aches when I take her over and over and force her to say my name. I wonder if one day she'll stop this madness and wake the fuck up.
And then when we lay together after I'm spent she whips an arm over my chest and holds onto me as if she's gonna die if she lets go.
What the fuck is that shit? She makes it seem like we're lovers and instead of calling her a dirty cunt I whisper how much I goddamn love her. As if I'd even think that bullshit. We're hollows. We don't have fucking hearts or feel pansy ass lies like "Love".
She's so fucking stupid but goddammit sometimes I want to be stupid too.
Sometimes after she's asleep I do things I know she always hopes for when we're awake. I kiss the top of her dumb mask and I let my fingers tangle in her teal hair and stare at the pink stripe over her nose. I whisper the things she wants to hear and wonder if she hears them in her sleep. If I give her good dreams and if they are of me.
And so fucking help me I cling to her too.
He's such an idiot.
He thinks I don't notice the way he holds me. Like when I wake up I can't feel his arms around my hips or his breath against my neck as he embraces me in his sleep. I let him keep pretending that I'm ignorant since I'm not sure I'd welcome any change in him.
We may be called hollows but we are far from empty…
At least that is how I feel and what I witness. We all carry pain and emotion and is it really so farfetched that we might love? I'd never let another male set hands on me and if Nnoitra slept with another woman I might break my vow to not kill him.
He's my comfort at night, though the fact that my comfort is rough sex and dirty talk seems a bit wrong. Still I fall asleep naked in his bed, laying my head on his chest and convincing myself that the haze after what we do is an afterglow.
Maybe I'm giving him too much credit. He can be an utter beast and I still get disgusted by him but I always end up back under his sheets worshipping his body before he wrecks mine.
And he doesn't know it but when he thinks I'm asleep I am quite the opposite. I feel each kiss and hear every whisper and I think that's the reason I come back for more every time.
During the day we can pretend to be enemies. I am his superior and I will put him in his place but at night I surrender. If it's not love I really don't want to have a name for it.
Still… What would happen if I stopped playing the game? If I let him now I'm aware of the tenderness he fights tooth and nail to mask.
"I'm awake, Nnoitra".