AN: Well this is a new fanfic which may go nowhere i plan on making it short. I know this first chapter is rather dry and crappy but i plan to improve. My writing style is supposed to reflect Bella's emptiness. It will improve i promise.
Chapter 1 :
Thinking of you
It has taken months and it has taken life. So much life out of me that I fear I may just be a walking corpse. The pale skeletal teenager who regards me with dark rimmed pain ridden eyes is the stranger that is myself. I'm cold, my heart has halted the blood in my body, it no longer provides any warmth and I loathe it. The sun never shines here but if it did I would not feel it nothing can reach me here in the dimly lit hollows of my mind.
I can only feel the emptiness.
I want to forget. Forget him, forget the memories, forget myself. Forgetting myself was all too easy the rest was another matter entirely.
I am vacant.
I pulled the sleeves of my top over my hands that had turned an alarming shade of winter bitten red. It was January and I had forgotten my coat. I had barely managed to dress and brush through my ragged hair leaving the coat had been no surprise.
People no longer glanced like they once did, they had become accustom to my unsightliness. I walked as if invisible from my truck to lessons. I was on autopilot; I did not need to think about my timetable I simply turned up in the right place at the right time.
Everything moved round me but I remained the same. Unchanging yet time passed all too quickly. It no longer mattered now. I simply upheld my promise, I breathed, I ate a little, and I slept too little - For Charlie, for Him. But I didn't feel alive anymore.
Another day passed the same as the one before it.
Charlie persuaded me to drive to La Push after school and see Jake, I reluctantly complied. I didn't want Jake to see the shell of a girl who used to be his friend. I tried my best on the journey there to root round inside myself and find something to show Jake that was better than this. Better than me. I couldn't find anything and my acting skills left a lot to be desired, I could not hide from Jake.
I pulled up at the Black resident and glanced one last time at my reflection in the side mirror. Beyond hope I thought resigning to fate.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to walk with purpose. I failed miserably as I tripped over my own accident inducing feet. Ending up on the doorstep in a crumpled heap and a bleeding hand. I tried to avoid looking at the blood and instead concentrated on knocking the door and regaining an upright position.
I propped myself against the door just in time for it to swing back so I could fall through it. Thankfully I fell into the waiting arms of the one and only Jacob Black.
"Whoa Bella that's one way to make an entrance!" he chuckled.
I noticed he was a lot taller and broader than I remembered. His chest was hot and firm under my bloodied hands.
"Sorry" I mumbled stepping back feeling rather sick at the sight of my blood on Jake's t-shirt.
"don't worry about it Bells, just let me have a look at that hand" he said with a concerned look at my current appearance.
I suddenly wished I was a turtle and I could crawl into myself and stay there.
He gently grasped my tiny wrist in his giant hand and guided me through to the living room where he sat me down on the sofa. He left the room briefly only to return with what looked like a first aid kit.
"Thought I should have one handy in case you ever decided to turn up" he said with a sunshine smile.
Ah, so that's what the sun feels like I thought shying away. He was too bright for my senses to handle after they had acclimatised to my dark world. Jake was suddenly alarmed by the way I reacted to his presence. He sat down slowly next to me and carefully started cleaning the graze on my hand. his eyes briefly lingered on the scar on the back of my hand before undertaking his task as if he'd not seen it. However I had not missed the slight increase of pressure in his grip and the lethal darkening of his eyes.
I could tell he was using our silence to gather his thoughts, I wanted to run before he could come to his conclusions. He raised his eyes to mine the intensity of them made me feel instantly more uncomfortable.
"Bella you're a mess" he stated.
No sugar coating there then.
"I know" I croaked suddenly overwhelmed by previously repressed emotion.
Tears streamed down my face, this isn't how I'd planned this. I tried to get up mumbling apologies and making excuses to go. However I soon found myself in the burning embrace of my friend who soothingly rubbed my back and rocked me like a child.
"It's going to be alright Bella you'll see, I'm going to be here" his promised.
It was here that I had my first dreamless sleep since He'd left. Exhausted by my sobbing I slumbered on the warm chest of Jacob Black wishing desperately that he could live up to his promises.
AN: Hope you like review are appriecated, I don't however appricated pernickety little comments about ones few spelling mistakes. I'm human I make mistakes. Love you forever if you review ~*