How long has it been? Eh..
Hurt or Hate?
"Rosalie," I sighed over the phone in my phone, "I said I don't want to talk about it...Yes, I know it concerns you, Emmett's your husband... Ask him about it then if you are so curious...Just talk to him... What do you mean he won't talk to you?... Don't you use that tone with me, Rosalie Lillian Hale!" The next thing I heard was the monotone sound of the phone being cut off. "Fine, be a bitch." I muttered under my breath.
After my chat with Emmett and our reconciliation, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulder, when I voiced that thought Rosalie reminded me that if I spoke to the others including a certain bronze-haired Adonis, then I would feel much better. The reply to that was not kind.
The doorbell rang echoing through my cold empty house signalling a person was at the door, "Rosalie," I called out as I walked slowly at a human's pace, towards the door, I hadn't heard anyone approach and there was no heartbeat; I concluded it would have to be Rosalie, "I told you to talk to Emmett, why are you bothering.." I trailed off as I opened the front door widely, "Holy..." The word blundered out of my mouth.
Golden honey blond hair man greeted me; crescent-shaped scars showered his face and neck. Fear gripped me completely as I looked at him. How many vampires had tried to kill this man?, my more innocent side asked. It was received a scoff, the vampire in me easily replied, The same number that had died in the attempt.
"So," Jasper greeted awkwardly in his Southern drawl rubbing his neck in nervousness, "how've you been, Bella?" He asked uncomfortably to me as he straightened up. The atmosphere around the house instantly seemed nervous. The house, I couldn't say it was my home anymore; it was so long since it felt warmth inside it, all that was left was a dark cool place waiting for life to involve it. Everything in the house was cold and emotionless after my apparent 'death' all I had left from this place was the memories of my father.
My eyes widened at his question, my voice coming off in a stammer, "J-Jasper! What are you doing here?" I asked before ushering him inside, closing the door behind him. What exactly would my over-nosey neighbours say if they see one of the Cullens so freely appear at my doorstep in the middle of the night? "Is everything okay? Is Alice okay? Rosalie? What happened?" I stuttered out, why would someone who I have been ignoring since I found them here suddenly voluntarily at my doorstep, someone who had tried to eat me the last time we interacted? This man had nerves to be in front of me, I had to commend him for that.
"Yeah, everything is good..." He said quietly his voiced didn't seem to believe his own words. I noticed how his scar-ridden face scrunched up ever so slightly before he madly shook his head, "No, of course everything isn't alright. It hasn't been for half a century." He rubbed his forehead, his voice more forceful before he glided towards the stairs. "Is it alright if I sit here?" He asked, Jasper seemed to be unsure of his own ability, whatever the reason it was he was in my house, asking to sit on my staircase. The only time I had ever seen Jasper doubt himself was when he, Alice and I were running to Arizona away from James and we were stuck together in that damned hotel room. Of course he was doubting himself then, a young human girl was a thin doorway away from him and he was hungry, I'm surprised he didn't eat us all up then, my less-forgiven side replied but not with malice.
"S-sure, sit where you like." I said with confusion evident in my voice before I sat down on one of the steps beside him, surprise took me to find out that we fit there, they were small stairs. He rubbed his head again, it seemed like he had something on his mind. But I had never seen Jasper so out of place before, never had I seen him so lost. Almost like a deer in the headlights. "Is there something you'd like to talk about, Jasper?" I tilted my head to the side, staring at his face for a second.
"Yes, there is." He said with a grim smile before silence reined the compact space on the stairs. Jasper heaved a sigh before all his words came out at once, "There is so much I want to tell you, to apologise for but I can't find the words to say now that I'm here. I had thought it all through, I knew what I was going to say but now that I'm in front of you, it's all gone. And the only reason I can think of is because I don't deserve your acceptance."
He sighed again before he went another silence, stifled in his own thoughts, I suppose. I just sat on the step looking forwards, staring at the door with great fascination. Never had a conversation gone so awkward between Jasper and I, not that we spoke freely much when I was human. And when he was thirsty for our blood, that annoying spiteful voice spoke out again.
"I used to get a good read on your intense emotions, you know." Jasper said after a while with a regretful sigh, "You always were full of emotion," He laughed one without humour, "It startled me a couple of times." I didn't know why he was bringing this up but now that we were actually speaking of something, I was glad.
"And there I thought I was good at controlling my emotions." I said with a bit of bite, looking forward at the door, frustration clouding my mind. Or was it the voice again?
I saw from the corner of my eye that he smirked, "Oh you are, but I was talking about your strongest feelings, like the type of feeling you get when you know without a doubt that you are feeling them. The two most common were; Love and Fear." Bitterness washed into my mind's frustration, and look where all that Love and Fear got us, Bella? That voice mocked me, the words ran through my head after he said that.
The only thing I really ever loved was Edward and the only thing I ever really feared was Edward, or more so, Edward leaving. Yes well.
I turned to face him momentarily but looked away when I saw his concentrated gaze, "And now what is the empath in you getting from my emotions?" I felt my mouth quirk to the side as Jasper began staring into my eyes.
Noticing his confusing expression, he explained his findings "Well, it's almost as if you are feeling... nothing." He shook his head, my eyes flew to his scarred face, "No, there is something there but they buried deep within you. No, no, the feelings are underneath something else." His eyes widened as he processed out loud, "You feel cold inside, but I can feel something there. Is that hurt, Isabella? Or is it hatred?" The question startled me, Hurt or Hate? Hurt or Hate? What a profound question.
I looked him in the eye as I answered, "Both."I said strongly, leaving my answered at that.
Jasper, who looked shocked at my bluntness, cleared his throat, "Well, then it's time you speak to someone." Oh great, he thinks we need a shrink, spoke That Voice again.
"I speak to Rosalie."
"How about someone else lends you their ear? I'd like to, after all I have done to you, it is only right I try to make up it. Even if it takes a lifetime."
"I don't know.." I stalled.
Jasper's face twisted into one of sadness, "Please, Bella?" His eyes locked onto mine, swirling with hopefulness and pain.
I resisted, not wanting to share any of my thoughts. After all, if a ...certain mind-reader -Oh so you can't say his name now?- couldn't hear what I was thinking, why should anyone else but me? "I really don't think that would be a.."
"I want to help you, Bella, let me?"
"Okay, I will tell you what really happened to me, but not because you own me anything. I just want to tell you." I said stubbornly before relaying to him what had happened to me after they left and after I was changed, I'm sure I wasn't feeling 'nothing' then. I knew he was calming me down whenever I spoke about my parent's deaths and seeing the Cullen's faces again, I was glad that he did. It made it easier to talk when there wasn't a weight pressing down on my torso all the time.
"Rosalie? As in Rosalie Hale?" He sad disbelieving after I told him who exactly Changed me. "The person that wanted nothing to do with you?" I winced as he said it, despite its truth, -Although, Jasper wasn't our biggest fan back then either- I thought of all the trouble I caused the Cullens, what I still must be doing to them.
"Yes. She saved me from Victoria and has been with me every day since I've moved back to Forks. She is a lot nicer to me now that I'm an Immortal." I shrugged, a annoyed tone in my voice, "Maybe she feels the same guilt you do now or maybe she is only trying to make up for Changing me. And maybe Emmett is only trying to make up for my sadness.. And Alice, because we all know who really saved me on that cliff, is only trying to make up for her stupid brother and his stupidity. And lies. And deceit." My voice hardening and becoming loud as I ranted. With the last words I hit the wall beside me, making an unattractive dent. –Oh yeah, we're totally getting over him-
He nodded his head while he tried to process everything I told him.
"I have no smart answer to give you, I never was one for giving advice," I scoffed at this, the Feelings Man couldn't give advice, that's like saying the Music Man had the rhythmical talent of a lampshade, "Bella, I am not as good at the 'EmotionThing' as everyone gives me credit for. I can feel emotions, I can sympathy with emotions, Hell, I can forcefully change on emotions with my mind but I cannot tell people how to fix what their feeling properly or how they felt it. My manipulation of emotion is only temporary." He shook his head, "As I was saying, maybe you should just talk to Edward... Or scream your pretty little head off at him. He'd like that." He smiled cheekily at me. It seemed as if he were becoming in a better mood.
"I don't give a flying..." I clenched my jaw before reigning myself in, "I don't care what Edward would like. I have changed, quite literally, I am not the same meek Bella I was at the start of the century. I'm different now." I said with passion.
"You always have been different." Jasper stated, "Now those differences have been amplified through your Change. Despite what you may think, you'll always be the same person, the same Bella. You still love Edward, you still feel ridiculously inadequate towards him, you still are that ridiculously brave and stubborn girl he fell in love with."
I grimaced at his words, "But that isn't true though. Edward isn't in love with me, he never has been. He knows that much himself." –And if Edward was in love with us he would have rushed off to us once he saw us that day in school. Hell, he wouldn't have left us-
"Are you disagreeing with my assessment of his feelings? Me, the Empath?" He quirked his eyebrow, "I have felt the love you both share many times. It's still there. Dulled because of your distance, but it is still there." He stopped before rethinking what he was about to say, "Now, Bella, I know it will take a very long time for you to truly forgive our family but... we have forever."
That's what scares me. The Human-Bella said inside my head, she was desperate to let her love for Edward out, to run back to his arms and forgive him, but she wasn't in charge anymore. Vampire-Bella had taken over and was not allowing Human-Bella to revolt. A clash was happening inside my brain. One side so absurdly for forgiving them, the other vehemently against it.
"So that is why I propose coming around home tonight." He smiled, "Clear the air with Alice and Edward. Let them know how you feel. Letting us suffer, like this is cruel. Even if we deserve anything you give us." And if that was not enough, he added, "Besides, Esme misses you."
"I-I can't do that!" I stammered the words out of my dry mouth. Whoever said vampires were perfect? –Us. So many times.-
"Bella," Jasper reassured me, "Trust me, you can!"
I scoffed angrily, "Trust you? Why is damnation's name would I do that for?" He knew what I was implying, I didn't even meant to say it I just thought the snarky comment up and I had to just say it out loud; hurting him more even though I knew how much pain he felt for what happened at my pointless eighteenth birthday.
"Bella, you don't know how sorry I am for that. No, for everything, after all, I am the cause of this heart-ache." He ducked his head in shame. I instantly felt terrible for what I had said to him. A burst of disgrace passed through as I thought back to all those times when I half-blamed Jasper for making them leave... I couldn't really truly blame him as it was my fault of course.
Closing my eyes, I admitted what I have been feeling for years out loud, "Jasper, I'm pretty sure my inability to open birthday presents was the cause." I laughed without humour once, "And the fact that Edward doesn't want me, or love me." I wrapped my arms around my stomach to hold in the seizures of pain until I was alone.
"But he does love you. More than I thought possible."
"Jasper, you all know why Edward made you leave, why make this more difficult for me than it should be?" I looked up at him with a grim look in my eyes. "Why didn't you say goodbye, Jasper?" I choked out.
The scarred man beside me exhaled a breath, "It was the first time Edward really requested a thing of us. He always just went along with what we wanted or needed. He never asked us for anything. He kept to himself but you came along he seemed brighter, more... alive. When your birthday happened, he changed dramatically, it was horrifyingly clear that it was the end of our time in Forks. He forced us to go. You see, Edward had been there though everything. He knows things... He shamed us into it. I know that's a terrible thing it say but that basically what happened. He was desperate. We left messily, we didn't pack much. We ran, Bella."
"Yes, he was desperate toLEAVE. ME." I sarcastically said clearly stating the words, "I got over it, Jasper. I really did. Now I see that it was shockingly obvious that he never loved me." I shook my head in disappointment. -Liar-
"I still don't understand." Jasper stated. "He never told us how he said to you that it was time for us to leave. He stayed behind to talk to you, which is the only thing I know about Edward's last day in Forks."
"Oh." Was my ingenious reply to all that. It explained how no one knew what I was going on about. -He never told them! The Bastard!-
"Bella, what did Edward tell you?" He asked me in a small voice. Jasper had never spoken for so long to me, the longest conversation Jasper and I had been in Phoenix when James, the sadistic vampire who had Victoria as his bitch, was chasing me.
A burst of self-assurance and honesty came upon me. Courtesy of Jasper Whitlock Hale, I guess. I breathed out and closed my eyes. This wasn't going to be easy. For some reason, it would be weird admitting it to Jasper. He made me calm and I was finally realizing the trust in which his gift was making me feel. "H-he said... that he..." I pushed my hands through my hair, "didn't want me, that I wasn't r-right for him..." my voice broke at the end of it the next thing I knew that Jasper was hugging me. –Wait, what is he doing?- I knew that he was comforting me but Jasper didn't touch me. We weren't that familiar with each other. "I guess what he said was true, I always knew that it didn't make sense... him l-loving me!" I looked up at him; he looked confused and shocked by what I said.
"WHAT?" A furious high-pitched voice yelped from my outside my door. With a slam, the panes of stained glass smashed into sharp miniscule pieces from the impact of the door hitting the now-dented wall. I swivelled my head that had been looking at the past soldier to a very beautiful person with small, pixie-like features. A woman with unbearable grace, large eyes and cropped short, inky black locks; Alice...
Sorry. Sorry, so sorry. :'(