Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man

If You Can't Say Something Nice…

"Who am I going to get to do this?" Chief Komui muttered darkly to himself as he made his way down the corridor away from the Science Division.

Normally when someone from their ranks was killed there was a long list of people willing to speak well of the dead.

Unfortunately, in this case, Komui couldn't think of a single soul whom he could persuade to deliver the eulogy. The Chief had ran through a list of the inhabitants of Black Order HQ about a hundred times already and yet he still couldn't think of anyone who would willingly accept the job.

"Well," he finally said, removing his hat and running a hand through his hair. "If I can't find someone to do it willingly then I suppose there's always the old standby. I'll just have to force someone to do it."

And, with this thought in mind, Komui made his way to the dining hall. It was around time for lunch and he was fairly certain that he could find someone to do the job there.

And if not…

Well that would leave him as the one responsible and that simply didn't bear thinking on. There was no way that he could get up in front of a room full of his comrades and lie through his teeth like that. He couldn't hold a straight face long enough.

This thought served to light a fire under Komui and he quickly made his way to the dining hall. As expected the room was filled to capacity with Exorcists, Finders and the few Scientists who had managed to sneak off without him noticing.

He would deal with that later but for now there was something else vastly more important.

Someone would have to be found to deliver the eulogy for Inspector Malcolm C. Leverrier. But as of yet no one had come forth to volunteer for the job and the service was scheduled for that evening at six.

"I have to find someone!" Komui said, beginning to grow panicky.

There were only a few hours remaining until the service and the Chief was desperate to find someone to deliver the eulogy.

"I don't wanna do it!" he moaned, clutching the sides of his head.

The obvious person for the job, and the only one who had seemed to be immune to the Inspector's personality flaws, Howard Link was nowhere to be found. The CROW member was missing after the attack that had claimed Leverrier's life and he was presumed dead as well.

That was regrettable but not something that Komui could focus on right now. At present he desperately needed to find someone to speak at the service.

As he entered the room his gaze fell upon a group of very familiar faces and his eyes narrowed, a plan forming. This was the perfect opportunity and Komui simply couldn't let it pass by.

Picking up his pace the Chief made his way over to the table where a group of Exorcists were assembled. The only one facing him, Yuu Kanda, narrowed his eyes but did nothing to warn the others of his approach.

This was good because Komui was fairly certain that they would all flee should they see him.

"Hey," he called out once he was close enough to prevent their escape. Three heads simultaneously turned toward him and three pairs of eyes locked onto his face.

Each wore the same knowing and horrified expression.

"No," Lavi said, seeming to anticipate the request that Komui was going to make and shooting it down before he even had the time to get the words out.

"But I didn't even…"

"Doesn't matter," Lavi said, shaking his head. "I know what you're going to ask and the answer is no. And that's the polite answer."

And with this Lavi turned and walked away, determined to get away from the dining hall before the inevitable happened. Being the observant one he knew exactly what was going to happen and he was loathe to stick around and bear witness.

With a sigh Komui turned back to the group, now diminished by one. His eyes focused on the dark haired samurai who had watched his approach. This time Komui managed to open his mouth and mutter the first syllable of the request before…

"No." This was all that Kanda said as he too got to his feet and walked away from the dining hall.

A slightly pleading look appeared on Komui's face as he turned his attention to the two who remained at the table. Lenalee's face paled as her brother's gaze focused on her and Komui knew in that instant that he couldn't ask his darling sister to do it.

She had already been traumatized by the man who was now dead.

So, with a sigh, Komui focused his attention on the last remaining candidate. Allen's face fell as the chief's eyes fell upon him, knowing good and well what Komui was going to ask.

The sound of a chair being pushed back echoed across the room as Allen made an attempt at escape. Komui had anticipated this however and, reaching out, he seized Allen by the arm.

"Come on Komui," Allen said as Komui prevented his escape. There was a strange look in his gray eyes as he fought against the man who was holding him by the arm. "You can't expect me to…"

"There's no one else," Komui said, refusing to relinquish his grip on Allen. This was his last possible chance to find someone to deliver the eulogy and he absolutely refused to take no for an answer. Even though he knew that Allen was the last one who would willingly do it. "It has to be you."

"But I…"

"Now the service starts at six," Komui said, releasing his hold on Allen's arm and clapping the young man on the back. "So make sure that you aren't late."

And with this Komui turned and retreated.

"Wait!" Allen called out, holding out his hand in a futile gesture. Komui completely ignored the boy's words and Allen sighed as he watched the chief turn the corner and vanish out of sight. "I can't believe he expects me to get up and speak on that man's behalf."

"I'm sorry Allen," Lenalee said in a quiet voice.

With another sigh Allen turned away from her. "I think I need some time alone." And, without another word, Allen followed the trail that the others had taken earlier.


At five forty-five Allen forced himself to leave his room and make his way down to the chapel that was located in one of the lower levels of headquarters. Dressed in his Exorcist's uniform the white haired youth slowly made his way to the room where the funeral would be held, all the while forcing himself not to turn around and go the other way.

"I still can't believe that Komui is making me do this," the boy muttered to himself as he walked down the lonely corridor.

Glancing to his right Allen noticed that the familiar shadow was visible in the window, the wide grin plastered on his face.

"It's not funny," he muttered as he continued walking.

When Allen arrived at the chapel he saw that the room was already nearly full although the people who filled the pews looked less than grief stricken. In fact, among the group, Allen was probably the one who seemed to be suffering the most.

Of course that had more to do with the job that he had been forced to do rather than grief over the loss of Leverrier.

Spying the boy who had just entered the chapel Chief Komui rushed forward and seized Allen by the arm. With a grip like a vice Komui pulled the boy toward the front of the room and, as he passed the casket, Allen had to resist the urge to kick it.

Allen stood in the front of the room, with Komui and the assembled generals, until the service began. Then he stepped toward the podium, after receiving a rather vicious shove from behind by Komui.

Staggering forward Allen reached out and gripped the podium, to keep from falling on his face. He cast Komui an annoyed glance out of the corner of his eyes before he turned to face the assembled members of the Black Order.

He had spent the hours before the service thinking about what he could possible say about the late Inspector Leverrier. And he hadn't really came up with anything.

"Well," Allen said, clearing his throat and gazing out at the faces who were gazing out at him. They seemed to be anticipating the words that he would say, since he was the one who had been tormented the most be Leverrier. "I'll say the only thing that I can say; I hope that he's a better person in the next realm."

And with these words Allen walked down the aisle and out of the room, without so much as looking at anyone.

"I don't know what Komui expected of me," he muttered as he once again walked down the corridor. Glancing to his side he once again locked gazes with the shadow of the Fourteenth.

"So are you ever going to tell them what exactly happened to him?"

"Of course not," was Allen's reply as he continued walking.

A/N- No excuse for this except that I wanted to write something where that bastard Leverrier was dead. So I did. And yay for the inuendo at the end. Mwahaha. Review if you want to.