The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009

Title : Story about a vampire man and human girl that are in love and stuff lol

Penname: shoefreak37

Pairing: Edward/Bella

Summary: Bella and Edward are sooo in love and just can't even stand it lol! This is all about the different stories about Edward and Bella in the Twilight saga and how wonderful it all is lol.

Disclaimer: So Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. I just effed it all up for the fun of it.

So, one day Bella Swan moved to Spoons, Idaho, and she met this really weirde guy named Edward. His eyes were all funny colored but she thought he was beautiful. He had a big poofy hair-do and the corner of his jaw could chisel through granite. It kind of was granite; see, because he was a vampire and stuff. That's right, Edward Cullen was vampire, but he sucked animals and not people so that made him ok and stuff.

Anyway when Bella met Edward he wanted to eat her really hard. Like, she smelled real good to him, and see he didn't eat people but he wanted to eat Bella. Oh yeah, he could read minds and stuff but not hers, you know, Bellas. So he ran away from home for a few days and when he came back Bella was all like "where were you" and he was like "I had to run away because your blood smelled better than a Chinese buffet" and she was like "I love you so much and cant stop it its like you've got magnets in your crotch or something" and he was like "well I'm not exactly sure how I feel about you but I could definitely stalk you with no problems"

And they so went on dates to places like the park and movies and Edward took Bella on a boat ride and he rowed the boat and it was so much fun and they loved it. By the way, Bella had a really old truck that used to be Billy Black's who was a friend of her dads and his son Jacob was totally in love with Bella and hated Edward real bad because he could never make his hair do the same thing as Edwards. What a stupid reason to hate someone lol.

One sunny spring day Edward took Bella to a meadow that was full of sunshine and flowers in the middle of the woods. They danced around naked and Edward sparkled in the sunshine like one of those peeps marshmallow things that the easter bunny brings you but you never eat. Well, he totally looked like one of those. He thought he had the skin of a killer lol but it was really marshmallow candy at easter haha!

Then Edward took Bella to meet his family. His fake dad is Carlisle his fake mom is Esme his fake sisters are Alice and Rosalie and his fake brothers are Jasper and Emmett. Alice can see the future and stuff but its not always right sometimes its messed up and changes and stuff. Jasper is married to Alice and he used to eat lots and lots of people so its hard not to eat lots and lots of people now. He wants to eat Bella hard too. Then there was Rosalie and Emmett who really didn't do anything good. Well Rosalie was real bitchy and Emmett was really funny and stuff. When Edward and Bella got to his house Rosalie and Emmett weren't there and Edward was like "where the hell is Rosalie and where is Emmett?" he was real mad for real. Then Alice was like "Rosalie had to go get a bikini wax and Emmett went to pizza hut. It was real important." Edward growled and stuff which kind of just sounded like he burped with his mouth closed and it was kind of gross.

So Bella met everybody and then they decided to go play baseball and everybody was there and stuff. They played baseball in the rain because when they hit the balls and stuff it made real loud noises and the thunder covered it up. Bella didn't know anything about baseball but she knew she like to watch Edward play he moved really fast. Oh yeah and Edward met Charlie. Charlie is Bella's Dad and he's also the police chief. He's got a really cool mustache lol mustache rides are cool lol!

Then some bad vampires with red eyes showed up and they wanted to play baseball but one of them likes to hunt a lot and his name was James and he wanted to eat Bella but changed his mind because Bella has her mouth open all the time. That just made him not want to eat her at all, it was just gross. So, the three bad vampires with read eyes just played baseball and then left because they were done. Victoria didn't like Bella she was James girlfriend because Bella was wearing black shoes and a brown jacket.

Edward takes Bella to the prom at school and everybody laughs at them because Edward has poofy hair and Bella is wearing a cast because she tripped and fell over Edwards's cat because her mouth was open so wide she couldn't see where she was going. Edward was like "Bella you hurt Whiskers! Why don't you shut your mouth sometime?" Bella was like "well I hope Jasper eats your stupid pussy Edward!" Edward was pretty upset that Bella would say something like that and that was when he was like "I'm making you go to the prom Bella for serious!" Bella was like "shit Edward grow up" but they had a real good time at the prom.

So then it was Bellas birthday and she had a dream that Edward totally didnts have secks with her until she was like 80. It was so gross and you really don't want to go into all that for serious. But it was wrinkly sex and stuff. Bella woke up screaming and Charlie came into the room and he had shaved his mustache! Bella was like "who are you?" and Charlie was like "its me Charlie happy birthday you're not old and wrinkly yet here I got you a camera" he through the camera at her and it hit her in the ear and she couldn't hear out of that one anymore.

Bella had a birthday party at the Cullens and Jasper saw Whiskers Edward's cat standing behind Bella and tried to go eat it but everybody thought he was trying to eat Bella because Jasper screamed out "Edward I'm gonna eat your pussy!!!" so everybody freaked out and beat up Jasper. Edward was kinda upset about all that happened and broke up with Bella because he definitely didn't want Jasper to eat his pussy.

So Bella didn't talk or move or shower or brush her teeth for like three months and then she found a motorcycle that she brought to Jacob for him to fix. Because when Bella holds her breath she can hear Edward fart or something. Bella and Jacob get to be like best friends or something and Jacob wants to have secks with Bella really bad but Bellas like no my flower is for Edward only. Then Jacob wolfsplodes into a wolf that's like the size of a llama but meaner. Apparently Jacob and his friends are like werewolves that eat vampires or something and they're not supposed to eat the Cullens because they prefer to eat pussy cocks and asses or something, you know, like animals and stuff. They don't eat people.

One day Bella gets real mad at Jacob's friend Paul and punches him in the face and then he wolfsplodes everywhere! Jacob is like "Bella you should not punch faces that wolfsplode" and Bella was like "run away Jake" because she didn't know he could wolfsplode yet" and then Jacob ran and jumped over Bella's shoulder and she fell down and he turned into a werewolf right in front of her! Then Bella was like "Jake I can totally see your butthole" Jacob was like "how mature Bella"

Bella decides to jump off a cliff to test how strong the current is at La Push beach and then she decides its pretty strong cause she almost drowns but the whole time she cant breathe and all she hears is Edward farting and thinks about how wonderful it is. Jacob pulls her out and takes her home and Alice is there because she thought Bella was dead or committing suicide or something but Bella was just like "I was trying to hear Edward fart" and Alice just looks at her like that's weird or something. So then the phone rings and Jacob answers it at Bellas house and it's the cable guy and Jacob just hangs up on him and then Alice is like "Edward is lost in Italy and trying to get naked in front of a bunch of people because he has a horrible rash and clothes chafe him real bad and if they see him sparkling like an easter peep the volturi will tear his arms off! The volturi are like vampire police. It's illegal to have a rash!" and Bella was like "Shit" and Jake was like "Bella don't forget your hydrocortisone cream, rashes are rough"

Alice and Bella got there in time to save Edward from jock itch and the volturi. They wanted everybody to stay though and go to shoney's with them but Edward and Bella and Alice had to get home before Charlie's mustache grew back lol.

So then they went back and Charlie was really pissed but only had a five o'clock shadow so all was forgiven. Then Bella and Edward went to Edwards house where all the Cullens voted and decided that if Bella could learn to keep her mouth closed she could go vampiring with them and stuff. So Bella was like "ok" and Edward was like "damn it" because he doesn't want Bella to be a vampire because he would be really upset if Bella was prettier than him. So Edward was like "marry me and then I'll make you a vampire" because he figured if they got married then Bella would eat too much and let herself go then there would be no way she would be prettier than him. Bella was like "I don't know about that I mean we haven't even done it yet and it might suck real bad." Edward was like "ok we can do it before I make you a vampire and stuff ok! God Bella!" Bella said all that was ok.

Then that Victoria chick starts killing people in Seattle because her boyfriend James broke up with her to go wear brown jackets and black shoes in South Dakota. She blames Bella because it was just all her fault so she makes a bunch of vampires and apparently when vampires are teenagers they're really hormonal and bite a lot. Jasper tells everybody how to calm the vampires down with chocolate, pizza, and acne cream, and they all feel ok and think they can kill them. They want to make sure that they have enough people though so they ask the werewolves to help and they're like "only if you guys promise to leave our cocks alone. The farmers are complaining." The Cullen's are like "ok that's fine"

So they fight the newborns in a clearing in the woods and Jacob and Bella make out and stuff but Edward doesn't care. Bella tells Jake "I love you and stuff but after I saw your butthole we just can't be together!" Jake understands because he would be pretty weirded out if Bella was a wolf and he saw her butthole just out there too lol.

So Jake goes to Canada and finds a nice great dane to love and they get married and live happily ever after. Until two months later and they get a divorce because the great dane just can't deal with having a human for a husband. Jake is pretty sad about that.

Edward and Bella get married and Bella doesn't fall down or trip over Whiskers (How is Whiskers still alive lol?) and everything is great. Edward takes Bella is an island that is really hot and in the middle of nowhere so in case he's really bad at doing it to her nobody will hear lol.

So Edward takes Bella into the water around the island and Bella is all like "do it to me Edward make me yours" and then Edward is like "ok but be real quiet because if I hear you talking to much this will never work and Bella was like "ok" So Edward totally starts doing it to Bella and it so only hurts for like a second as Edward breaks through her thing that makes her a virgin. Bella is all like "your penis is so hard and cold and stuff! I can so like feel it in my vagina. It's awesome" and Edward is like "I told you not to talk too much" and Bella is like "sorry" Edwards nods and continues doing it to her until they both come at the same time and see all kinds of colors and its wonderful and perfect and they feel complete and in love and full of wonderful mushy gushy feelings and stuff and then they fall asleep on the beach. Oh wait, Bella does but Edward stays awake and plays with dolphins and stuff.

So Bella and Edward do it a bunch and then Bella gets pregnant somehow lol! Anyway the fetus is all strong and stuff and breaks Bella's ribs all the time, so Edward calls Jake and is like "will you please tell Bella to not have a monster baby and then offer to do it to her so she can have puppies or something?" and Jake is like "that's kinda weird Edward, but ok" but Bella is like "Gross no I saw his butthole and he was totally married to a great dane do you know how scary those are?"

Bella is all broke and in pain and stuff because of the fetus and Rosalie burps at anybody who tries to get too close and steal the fetus. Bella drinks some blood and the fetus is happy and Bella says "yum yum yummy" and she feels way better.

One day Bella gets up and totally ruptures her ovary or something and Edward has to rip the fetus out of Bella's uterus with his teeth, gross lol! Then he has to bit Bella and turn her into a vampire and Edward is like "shit I wanted her to get real fat first lol"

Bella was real good at vampiring and the baby was a girl named Renesmee (SUCH a cool awesome wonderful name lol) who grew real fast and was real smart. The volturi hear about the baby and are real pissed because they didn't get invited to the baby shower and they just love babies. So they come over to visit with all their family and bring 37 baby bonnets and ask if they can just eat a few people and when the Cullens say no they get real mad and eat Lauren Mallory from school but everybody is ok with that because she was just an extra character anyway.

The Volturi leave and everybody's all happy and stuff and they all live happily ever after until there's an earthquake that totally swallows everything and they all die. The end lol.

Author's note: Ok so this was supposed to be terrible. *crosses fingers and waits anxiously for awful reviews* Please tell me how awfully horrible this is and make my day!