Author's note: This story will contain multiple pairings, both het and slash. If either offends/squicks you, then you might want to click the back button. Also Bully isn't mine blah blah everyone knows this bit already blah.


(Scrawled on the back of a postcard from Vice City)

Hey, Pete!

Vice is a craphole. It's like the whole place is stuck in the eighties or something and there are criminals and hobos everywhere. HA HA, JUST LIKE BULLWORTH! Mom has the worst taste in vacations. And husbands. And... everything. You remember that sweater she bought me for Christmas, right?

See you back at school in a week or so. Wish you were here (INSTEAD OF ME)!

- Jimmy


(Scribbled on a scrap of lined paper left on Peter Kowalski's desk at home)

TO DO BEFORE MONDAY:

- Finish packing trunk (need to find art supplies - ask mom if she's seen them)

- Buy stamps

- Make sure I have enough money to pay library fines

- Buy new school shirts (WHITE!)


Dear student,

I hope everyone had a wonderful vacation this year so that you'll all be mentally and physically prepared for the term ahead! With summer vacation rapidly drawing to a close, the faculty here at Bullworth Academy would like to remind you of a few minor changes to our rules for the upcoming school year.

- All students who are taking medication on a regular basis are required to fill out a series of forms to register what they are taking and how often they will need to take it. Please contact Miss Danvers in the school office if you will need these forms. Any student found disposing of their medication or otherwise neglecting to take it will be instantly expelled.

- Students may be aware of increased media attention on our school following certain unfortunate events last term. All Bullworth students are forbidden to talk to the press, pose for photographs, or otherwise engage with any journalists.

- The bell tower is structurally unsound and therefore strictly off limits.

Remember: these rules are here for the benefit of all of us here at the academy, and should be followed accordingly!

Any new students joining us this year are required to report to Miss Danvers on the first day for orientation. Returning students can pick up their class schedules from the office as usual. Don't forget to give a warm Bullworth welcome to our new students and teachers alike! Let's show them our remarkable school spirit - and don't forget to keep your noses clean!

With all the best for the year to come,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster


(A series of notes scribbled on the back of pages torn from an English textbook)

What are you looking at? You trying to start something?

- Kirby

---

STOP STARING AT ME, GAYLORD!

- Kirby

---

Trent. Seriously. Stop it or I'll have to whip you up a fresh batch of POUNDCAKE.

- Kirby

---

STOP BLOWING ME KISSES, YOU FUCKING FAG!!

- Kirby

---

Kirby,

I can't help it. You totally got even cuter over the summer, baby. How about we go bake some sweet, sweet poundcake together?

- Trent

---

What the HELL? THAT'S IT. AFTER CLASS IS DONE I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

- Kirby

---

Thinking a LOT about my ass, huh?

- Trent

---

(This note is accompanied by a crude sketch of a boy's head being punched off)

YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD, TRENT!!


Dear Gary,

I wasn't really sure if I should write to you or not. I guess it can't hurt, though. Sorry for not doing this sooner.

We're back at school now. I guess you know that. Things here are the same as usual, pretty much... All the graffiti and stuff from the riot is gone and the skylight's been fixed, and the cliques are jerking each other around like usual. Trent and Kirby got busted for fighting already and we've only been back at school for a day! So much for everyone being united and stuff now, huh?

Wait, do you even want to hear about school stuff? I won't write about that if it just makes you feel worse. Although I thought you'd like to hear that some of the younger kids actually burst into tears if your name gets mentioned. It seems like the kind of thing you'd approve of. Anyway, just let me know what you'd like me to write about. Within reason, I mean.

What's it like in Happy Volts? I heard Johnny Vincent talking about it at the end of last year and he said it wasn't so bad. But that's Johnny, so he's probably just trying to sound tough or something. I hope you're doing okay. Even if it's alright in there, I bet it's still nice to get letters from outside, right? I know I'd want people to write if it was me stuck in there.

Not that you're like me or anything. I'm just saying that even someone like you probably likes getting mail in a place like that. It must be even worse than school, right? Ha ha!

Anyway, I probably shouldn't write too much or you'll get bored. Write back soon, okay? If you have time and stuff. I don't know what kind of schedule they have you on there.

Petey


(From the school noticeboard)

The school newspaper needs new writers! Do you have a passion for writing or photography? Perhaps you aspire to be a professional journalist someday? Do you like to gossip? Maybe your English grade just needs improving - in any case, a job at the Bullworth Bugle is for you!

Sign up on the sheet provided if you're interested and Mr. Galloway will contact you shortly.

Constantinos Brakus

Melvin O'Connor

Beatrice Trudeau

Christy Martin

Angie Ng

Pedro De La Hoya


(Taped to a locker)

Chad,

If you can't stop your stupid dog from attacking people, I'm going to have it turned into a pair of those puppy leather shoes you're so very fond of. Understand?

Thanks to your horrible little savage beast and his fangs, you owe me a new pair of pants. AQUABERRY PANTS.

- Tad


(Scribbled on graph paper apparently ripped from a math book)

What's the answer to question 8?

- Jimmy

---

2.518, I think. I'm not certain.

- Petey

---

Thanks, Petey! Got your Halloween costume yet? Me and Zoe are going as a priest and a nun and we're going to hang out around the old church. It's gonna be AWESOME!

- J

---

Not yet. I keep forgetting that I need to buy my own this year.

- Petey

---

Oh yeah. At least you don't have to look like a freak this time! You can wear whatever you want. Zoe says you should dress like an angel and come with us, ha ha!! Sound good?

- J

---

What the hell? I thought you just said I wouldn't have to look like a freak this year!

- Petey


(A handwritten notice taped to the window of the Aquaberry boutique, as well as several other prominent locations in Old Bullworth Vale)

Well, hello there!

Do you have trouble pairing up this season's fashions with your classic wardrobe staples?

Do you despair every time you look in the mirror?

Do you feel like just another unfabulous face in an endless sea of identical Bullworth uniforms?

Do you want to be complimented on your amazing dress sense each and every day, just like I am?

Then don't hesitate! Gord Vendome is waiting to help you look adorable RIGHT NOW! Enquire at Harrington House for further information!

(People unwilling to embrace their inner fabulousness need not apply.)


Hey. Someone told me you're dressing as a pirate for Halloween. That true?

- Ethan

---

Right. Same as always. Don't even THINK about stealing my idea, pinhead!

- Vance

---

Steal your idea? And be a sissy pirate? Yeah, RIGHT! Pirates suck! Ninjas are so much more kickass than pirates that it's not even funny.

- Ethan

---

Ninjas? You some kind of moron? Everyone knows pirates beat ninjas. I read it on the internet.

- Vance

---

Really? Well, I read about your MOM on the internet! OH YEAH!

- NINJA FREAKING MASTER ETHAN

---

It's like that, huh? Bring it, ninja boy! I'll show you who's best tonight! Prepare to walk the plank!

- PIRATE LORD VANCE WHO'S GOING TO KICK YOUR WUSSY NINJA BUTT

---

I accept your challenge! I'mma strike at you from the shadows with my kung-fu styles, loser! Get ready to kiss pavement!

- SUPER TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA SAMURAI ETHAN


Dear Student,

I hope you all had a good time this Halloween! Thank you once again to Ms. Philips for her work on the decorations. Her abstract painting of myself as the Pumpkin King is truly a work of brilliance; it is still able to be viewed in my office if anyone should wish to do so.

I would like to congratulate all the students who have managed to keep their noses clean so far this year! I am extremely proud of each of the three students who have not yet been issued with a detention this term. Keep up the excellent work!

On a less celebratory note, it is with my greatest regret that we must bid farewell to the math teacher, Mr. Woodcock, who is leaving us due to stress-related reasons. I would also like to introduce his replacement, Mr. Dickson. Please help him to feel welcome as he settles into our wonderful school.

Some additional amendments have been made to the school's code of conduct. Please ensure that all of you are familiar with these revisions, which take effect immediately.

- Bullworth students are now forbidden to come within thirty feet of the church in Old Bullworth Vale unless supervised by an adult. (Additionally, anyone with information on the mystery students seen performing highly inappropriate and sacrilegious acts in the church graveyard on Halloween night should please call the church hotline. You may remain anonymous if you wish.)

- Wearing costumes that offend religious or cultural sensibilities is banned.

- Wearing costumes meant to imitate a certain ex-student whilst simultaneously threatening to "take over the school" is banned.

- Wearing a "nudist costume" is banned.

- Staging fights on school grounds is not allowed, even if you ARE trying to solve the eternal query of whether pirates or ninjas are superior.

- A "Kick Me" sign does not constitute a legally binding contract.

Wishing you all a successful and productive winter,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster