A/N: .............I don't know. This is why I don't read many angsty fics. It makes me write like this.

Because when you think about it, that year for Kairi really had to have sucked. No memories, her friends thinking she had an imaginary boyfriend, no idea if Sora and Riku were even still alive....yeah. That's gotta suck.


Smile and Nod

She's not sure if she wants them to ask about her year or not.

Part of her wants them to ask so that she can tell them. Then she could gloat about that year of heartbroken worrying and crying and misery. Just absolutely gloat about her year of hell-on-earth and make it sound like her emotional torture was to be envied and her pain to be coveted. She would sing of the glory of not knowing for so long if her two best friends were safe and sound or even still alive. And then, when they were good and thoroughly confused, she might even do some genuine raging at them.

She had no grand stories of adventure to tell. She had no epic battle tales. Her biggest fight in the past year had been in the front seat of a two-door sedan against a guy Selphie had set her up with where the only thing at stake was her virginity. And she couldn't even tell them about that because after what they'd been living nothing normal fell under their scope of important anymore.

They probably considered her so weak they'd only hear half of the story before assuming that she'd lost. (Not like it would matter. A broken nail ganered from issueing a black eye and a broken nose wouldn't qualify as a battle wound in their book, even if it did in hers. So a metal-heeled stiletto wasn't exactly a weapon of legendary power, but she'd still felt pretty heroic cracking her date's windshield with it. And here her dad had called such heavy footwear impractical.)

So when they finally let their heroic tales of battles won trail off into laughter and turn to ask her, almost as an afterthought, what she'd done with herself the last year, she can only clamp her mouth shut to keep it all from spilling out as she tries to think of something sane to tell them even though she knows they aren't really going to be listening anyway.

Because she can't tell them the truth. She can't tell them how she literally worried herself sick and missed two weeks of school. Can't relay all that's implied in the simple fact that she somehow weighs less now than she did a year ago even though she's grown a foot and a few cup sizes (oh, but they've noticed that last bit, at least. Far be it from them to miss anything of actual importance.) And she certainly can't tell them about the nervous breakdown in the school hallway in front of absolutely everyone after second period when one so-called friend too many questioned her 'memories' of people and events that supposedly never existed.

And she certainly can't tell Sora how her loyalty to the shred of his memory nearly got her institutionalized.

She can't tell them anything because her heart didn't break that year; it shattered. Shattered into a million microscopic pieces that fell to the ground and got lost amongst the particles of sand on that spot on the beach about five yards from where they're sitting on the day when she looked up and realized she couldn't remember what she was waiting on.

And it's all their fault. And she knows that that isn't an entirely fair accusation, because so much of it wasn't under their control, but all things considered she can't really condone them yet either. She's got to blame someone, and they are so conviently here.

Through the throbbing in her empty chest she hears her name being called and looks up to see her hated, hurtful, beloved boys smiling at her as if it would be heresy to consider that she might have anything but lovely butterfly stories to tell.

And she can't tell them her horror stories. So she smiles her best smile and opens her mouth to oblige them, because she is their princess and that's what she does.

"It's been hell."

She's on her feet and storming away before either of them has a chance to respond. She can't stay mad at them forever, she loves them too much, but just for now she gets to be furious. Because she never really was. She's been through the worry, depression, relief; but somewhere along the line she skipped anger. She's never really hated them for this yet. She'll forgive them someday, of course, but not today, not right now. Today she gets to have five minutes to really hate them for all they've put her through; really resent them for the adventure they've had while she's sat here miserable. If they're going to have any hope she needs to blame them for this; so for right now it's all their fault even though it isn't.

She hates them today because it's the only way she'll be able to love them tomorrow.

..................................................................................................................................................fin................................................................................................................................................


A/N: I've had a weird week. I felt like writing something angsty and rant-y and...whatever you would define this as. By the way; lil' Kairi's been confirmed to be in BBS. CALLED IT. And she meets Aqua. SORT-OF-CALLED IT.

Review please. I'm a poor college girl four days from finals. Not Tetsuya Nomura.